Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

OLD triangle

71 replies

ru345 · 09/12/2018 12:58

After several flop relationships with mainly players over 3 years I was about to give up OLD. Then as I was leaving the site to join another new OLD site guy who had been chasing me for several months contacted me again and I agreed to meet him!

However joined new OLD site and this man asked to meet me out next day and we had 3 dates in one week! Totally swept me off my feet with wining and dining and took me away also on 3rd date as special occasion also. The sex is amazing and we seem to click! But I am getting the feeling he is just after fun as not long come out of OLD relationship and he loved her think he still does? He wants to take things slowly just enjoy us and have fun...

Anyway the other guy is lovely and wants a serious relationship (which I do too) and I could easily grow to love him as he is lovely to me and the fact we accepts me more as a package as I have a son with autism. I have met him 4 times in total for dates out.

I didn’t mean for this too happen! I have always been the one who was cheated on so feel bad and want to choose one of these men who are lovely each in different ways my heart say Mr Fun and my head says Mr Serious. Help me please I need to choose by Xmas as don’t want this love triangle and want to be with one ....or risk losing both but which one?

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 09/12/2018 13:08

This isn't a triangle.
Youre just dating multiple guys.

Pick your fave and go for it.

bigchris · 09/12/2018 13:13

Neither seem that serious so I'd keep dating both tbh

Original poster

ru345 · 09/12/2018 13:16

So no harm carrying on...not used to dating 2 at once is this normal then?
I can’t choose see which one lasts the course maybe....

OP posts:

AnaViaSalamanca · 09/12/2018 13:17

keep dating both, why do you need to commit so quickly?

Bernina · 09/12/2018 13:17

But you're only dating, you can date as many as you want!

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 13:19

If you’re sleeping with both of them it would be courteous to let them know.

SierraSmythe · 09/12/2018 13:21

You're not cheating! I think it's perfectly reasonable these days to follow the US model of dating whoever you want until you've either had the "exclusivity chat" or you feel that you have naturally become BF and GF.

The only issue is that you have been sleeping with one of them (no judgement!) which means that you are more likely to start feeling for him. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are repeating past mistakes. You say you were messed around by players but this guy doesn't seem to want a relationship and you do so what's the point of getting further involved with him? No doubt it would just add to your feelings of "I always end up with players, whyyyyy meee?!" when actually it's all about decisions you make.

Ask him what he's looking for and make a decision based on his answer and also how eager he seems to make you part of his life. I dislike the idea that some women have that asking could scare him off. If he's interested in/ready for a relationship, why on earth would he be scared off? It would only scare off a player that you don't want anyway.

In my humble opinion, the other guy sounds much better as you're on the same page and he seems like he'd make a better partner. Are you attracted to him?

Original poster

ru345 · 09/12/2018 13:22

No only sleeping with Mr Fun. Oh I been single for 15 years so this multiple dating is new to me...

OP posts:

Original poster

ru345 · 09/12/2018 13:28

@Sierra Mr Serious not attracted to him but could over time as he is lovely and could see myself falling for him slowly.

Yep totally fallen for Mr Fun which I am starting to realise he is a player...going to ask him...will watch him run or maybe not...only one way to find out...should I message or face to face the question?

How shall I word it to get maximum scare factor?

OP posts:

Bernina · 09/12/2018 13:32

Definitely ask him face to face not over text.

Original poster

ru345 · 09/12/2018 13:35

Okay he is trained in NLP so don’t expect a massive non verbal shock as professionally trained to lie lol
Will be impossible to read him tbh!

OP posts:

Original poster

ru345 · 09/12/2018 13:38

Can I ask about Bu OLD will he see me go online as have not been I. Since he asked me out 3 hrs on their? Can I see if he is online too? Think I need to start dating others but made my profile inactive will he know I made it active again?

OP posts:

Notcoolmum · 09/12/2018 13:59

It is a different world isn’t it? But until you’ve had the ‘exclusivity’ conversation you don’t owe them anything other than to be careful regarding sexual health.
Are you sure you will grow to be attracted to Mr Serious if you aren’t already?

Original poster

ru345 · 09/12/2018 14:15

It’s more I am worried being left on the shelf tbh as getting old now @notcoolmum

OP posts:

Notcoolmum · 09/12/2018 14:16

Ha. How old are you? I don’t think we should settle at any age. But you know what you want and will accept.

ImNotKitten · 09/12/2018 14:20

Which one do you prefer? Not a problem to date them both if it’s something you’re comfortable with.

SierraSmythe · 09/12/2018 14:32

It’s more I am worried being left on the shelf tbh as getting old now

I know that feeling OP! I was so fortunate to meet my kind and lovely DH after years of OLD. I had my fair share of flings but very much kept my eye on the end game of settling down so if we weren't looking for the same thing I ended it sooner rather than later (as hard as it was at times). I have some nice memories though

Anyway, enough about me. You were wondering how to word it. I find it's normally easier on the first date when you're still finding out about each other, asking about experiences with OLD, etc. At this later stage (definitely in person), I'd maybe ask him why he signed up for OLD and what he was looking for. If he's vague, I'd be a bit more specific like "Do you see yourself settling down if you met the right person?" If it feels natural, maybe bring up that you were looking for someone to settle down with so he's clear what your needs are. I'd ask during drinks or dinner, not during an intimate moment.

To be honest though, there should never really be too much doubt about a guy's intentions (although there are exceptions, of course). If he's wanting to introduce you to his friends and family and is always the one pushing for a next date, discussing future plans together, etc, it's a pretty good indication. Disclaimer: of course, that doesn't mean people don't change their minds and want out!

Original poster

ru345 · 09/12/2018 17:37

@notcool don’t laugh mid 40s lol!
@imnotK good question Mr Fun I prefer as developed feelings quite quickly since dtd but I sense I would be picking the wrong one...a player..wants fun...nothing serious...

@Sierra yes I am in same position want out of OLD lol had enough!
Mr Fun He asked me one first coffee date what I wanted and I said long term and he said he wanted the same but fun in the way...I will ask him again! He introduced me to his cousin on 3rd date but after 4th date and dtd he said about slowing down ...we only met a week ago today!
Got date with Mr Serious tomorrow it’s hard work this multiple dating!

OP posts:

Notcoolmum · 09/12/2018 17:43

Same age as me :) you’ve had 4 dates in a week and met his family? (Mr Fun?)

SierraSmythe · 09/12/2018 18:01

after 4th date and dtd he said about slowing down

Hmm, bad sign. Put it this way: have you ever been getting to know a guy you are crazy about and see a future with and told him you want to slow down? Normally you want to see them as much as possible! I guess the only exception to this would be if a guy was recently widowed or a dad and was worried about the effect on his DC.

Have you snogged Mr Serious yet? If so, do you get butterflies? I hope it goes well tomorrow!

Original poster

ru345 · 09/12/2018 18:27

@notcool yes Mr Fun met his cousin’s husband to be precise on 3rd date!

@Sierra that was exactly the reason he said to cool down re what happened with his last OLD to his kids after 2 months and then it ended not long after and one of his kids upset as liked her! So he wants to take it slow this time. I understand that and expect it to be 6 months as an average see if we last the honeymoon period? I have my doubts though...call it gut instinct! He is starting to chat a lot about sex now so thinking this is just turning into a sex relationship? He has just ordered stuff off internet for our next date but won’t tell me what but to do with bedroom?? Possibly 50 shades stuff as he was quite Dom.

Yes I have snogged Mr Serious and it is getting easier and nicer each time! This is total opposite and building really slowly but we are relaxed in each other’s company...I can see it lasting with him and he is keen I meet his child and visaversa

OP posts:

TemptressofWaikiki · 09/12/2018 18:49

Bit rich though to call Mr Fun a player when you have two on the go. I am younger than you but it seems far more old-fashioned, as I find you a bit hypocritical.

Notcoolmum · 09/12/2018 18:51

If you have snogged Mr Serious and enjoyed it then there is a spark. I’d really not be happy with someone buying bedroom toys after the first time we had slept together. And certainly not without discussing it with me.

Original poster

ru345 · 09/12/2018 19:31

@Tempteess I hold my hands up I never done this before and surprised to find myself in this situation as always was other way round! Not proud and very confused what to do as can’t choose! Both are lovely! I realise now it’s possible to like 2 men at the same time!

@notcool yes I was a bit what you shopped without me ...as I would have liked to decide together with Mr Fun.

I do like MR Serious their are more advantages to staying with him than Mr Fun but sadly Mr Fun comes higher for the sexual side (can’t rate Mr Serious though).

I will see how date goes tomorrow with Mr Serious it’s only daytime date. We do get on really well and I enjoy our conversations more conservative than Mr Fun’s. Mr Fun wants to know how I feel about things...I am trying to not like Mr Fun but I got to admit I do want Mr Fun more! But deep down know he isn’t right for me! If I dump mr serious it won’t last with Mr Fun anyhow!

OP posts:

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 19:52

“He has just ordered stuff off internet for our next date but won’t tell me what but to do with bedroom?? Possibly 50 shades stuff as he was quite Dom”

What what what ? Are you looking for a relationship or a fuck buddy?

Flip

1 2 3