How to broach inlaw issue with DH?

[ministollenbite]

This might be long, please bear with me. I have name changed for this thread.

DH is the oldest of 4, he's the only one to leave the town he was born in. Is successful and dependable. He is the only one married and still with the mother of his children. We have been together 25 years.

Our house is amazing (this is relevant). We finally built our own house after years of renting while looking for the right site. I managed the build, know lots of people in the trade thanks to my brother so have a fab house for much less then a builder would have cost us. It's not a mansion, we have no surplus rooms. But we put our heart and souls into it. We spent where it mattered and saved lots where it didn't/wouldn't be seen. It is fabulous and we are very proud of it and what we achieved.

Anyway, since we are now in our own house the comments towards me have started. We took them to lunch, DH went and paid and the comment was 'Sure, hasn't he loads of money' - Yes he bloody has because he works hard.

I went to a free event in DFS, was photographed and it was in a magazine. I knew none of this. IL's saw the pic and were asking me about it. I told them I hadn't a clue but after some thought suggested that it could only have been this free event. FIL then made a comment about me social climbing. I was only there in the hope of winning the couch in the draw!

Both DD's play hockey, neither are that sporty but I think it's important to play a team sport, and the secondary school they will go to is a big hockey school. Anyway, MIL has previously commented 'Hockey? I always knew you were a snob!' I was taken aback but just said, 'Are you only realising that now?' and laughed it off.

We were visiting this weekend - after hockey, so DD1 was in her kit. The first comment was that those hockey skorts are for snobs who go to boarding school! I told her it was the kit and that's what all girls playing sport wear. She then said to the girls 'You'll never be snobs while I'm around'. DH was also in the room. I said nothing. I have mentioned to him on the other occasions that I expect him to tell his mother to cut out this commentary.

I'm sick to bloody death of them. Every time I've we've visited since we've moved into the house I've got the snob or social climbing comments. This was the last straw.

I haven't told DH about the 'he may as well pay for lunch, he's loaded' comment as I think he would be rightfully hurt, it was said in from on both DDs. There was also a comment from an uncle a couple of years back. Along the lines of - Your wedding was one of the best days out we had. Your dad was a bit of an old bollox, your mother is lovely though'. This was my dad who was dealing with cancer, and paying for the whole bloody 'best day' and who has since died. None of DH's brothers came to my dads funeral or even sent me a card or text of condolence.

There have been other comments from one of his brothers but we could be here all day.

And now I've had enough. I'm going to broach it with DH this weekend. DH is a man of few words, we rarely argue as he wont engage. He's told me before she doesn't mean it. Yes she fucking does.

How can I broach this without turning into a harpey?

My DH is handsome, incredibly clever, kind and funny; however his family are now really colouring how I feel about him. This is where he came from after all and his never putting a stop to these comments and standing up for me are making me think is this what I'm looking at for the rest of my days?

Hmm I think you are right to be offended by the snippy comments. They clearly feel inferior to your family and are trying to take you down a peg or two.

Regarding talking to DH, I would frame the conversation around protecting your DC from the nastiness. That should be easier for him to accept and not feel like he is having to choose between you. He needs to challenge any comments he hears politely but firmly.

I would personally see less of them myself and let your DC lead you on how often they want to meet. DH is more than welcome to go and have lunch etc with them on his own. I would do this by being suddenly busy every time they want more intimate visits and only see them at larger gatherings.

When you do have to see them, create a set list of things you can say to shut down comments.
"I don't agree." pointed look
"I don't know what you mean." patronising look
"Hmmm" walks away

DH is the oldest of 4, he's the only one to leave the town he was born in. Is successful and dependable. He is the only one married and still with the mother of his children. We have been together 25 years.

OP, this does come across as a list of what you see as achievements his family have failed at. You may not be a snob, but you do come across as thinking they haven't done much with their lives and that you don't like them very much !

If you and your DH have different views on the matters that his family is raising - I mean that your DH has the same views as his family - then he may not be reacting to their comments because he doesn't see them as being wrong. I do think the comment about your father was wrong, obviously!

But why take your DD in her hockey gear if you know they think it's a snobby sport?

I think you'd have more luck getting your DH to tackle any comments made in front of your children tbh, as he won't want his own children thinking badly of his family - that may be the best angle to take here! Hope you find some way of stopping the flow of comments soon.

Tell him you don't feel sexually attracted to a husband who doesn't stand up for you.

Maybe your DH is doing the right thing by not engaging or rising to the bait? Maybe you should try the grey rock approach yourself or just roll your eyes, yeah yeah whatever. if they know it's getting to you they'll just keep on.

Or, if you really feel you must have it out with them, then don't hide behind DH to do it, you're a grown up, tell them yourself the jokes are getting old, it's hurtful and they need to stop it especially around the kids, say that you're not going to apologise for having done well for yourselves as a family and if they keep on you're going to fall out.

Your In-laws are way out of order. It all stems to jealously pure and simple.

Since when was hockey a sport for snobs? They sound a bunch of bitter, jealous dicks

But why take your DD in her hockey gear if you know they think it's a snobby sport?

^Her DD should wear whatever she wants.

Hi there everyone,

We're moving this to relationships at OP's request

Not saying you are a snob but you do sound very dismissive of his family. That could make you appear as a snob especially when you combine it with things like the dds arent reaĺly sporty but you have chosen to make them do a team sport as their school is big on this sport. That sounds like it is more you wanting it for some reason as opposed to your dds wanting it.

Totally agree with greendale

OP I know where you are coming from. I get this from my in-laws due I think to my occupation, (which is seen to be elitist by some) and the fact that my DC are academic where their DC are not.

I'm working-class and proud of it. I don't think I'm superior to anyone else, and neither do my kids. Yet we're called snobs behind our backs. I used to get very upset about it, but not any more. It's their problem, not mine. Tell your DH to step up and sort them out. Meanwhile, ignore ignore ignore.

You sound very judgemental of them-I expect they know that’s how you feel about them.

However, they do sound awful.

I haven't told DH about the 'he may as well pay for lunch, he's loaded' comment as I think he would be rightfully hurt

I would tell him if you want him to know what they are really like.

sassitudeandsparkle I wont go into the brothers lives, One is a lovely guy but socially inept, another is a mess and to be pitied (a very long story I'm not going into) The last is a shit father who has also passed nasty comments about my brother, which I have forgiven in the past but his taking issue with me having a relationship with the mother of his children was the last straw for me this summer. They all had the same chances as DH. After none of them acknowledged my dads death 9 years ago I will admit I dont like them very much.

I have no intention of changing DD out of her kit so as not to irk her granny. We picked her up from training and headed st to their house.

It's not really a question of picking and choosing lunches. They live 2.5 hours away. DH likes when I go too as he has someone to go out with. I've told him to go as often as he wants but I will go only when it suits me.

I've been doing the grey rock approach but it is affecting my attraction to DH. His letting all these comments go and not stopping them is getting to me.

There is jealousy there, but jealous of your son who is a hard worker. FFS. The man won a full scholarship to University, has worked for everything he had. They should be beaming with pride at his achievements.

sweeneytod my dd's would never leave the house if I didn't make them. Being part of a team lends valuable life skills, it's non negotiable for now. They play hockey with all their friends, so its social as well as exercise.

I am also wondering if they are not so in to sport why are they going to be sent to a hockey school?

It's the feeder school for their primary. It's very academic. The key sport played is hockey. Neither of them are going to ever bother the national or even county selectors. That's absolutely fine. They both also play instruments, read, bake, draw. Its an hour a week of exercise, it happens to be hockey. I certainly didn't choose it to annoy their GM. I loved hockey in school. I had hoped they might also take to it.

When they are older they can choose to do or not do whatever they want. For now I have chosen hockey. They gave up football, they gave up swimming. They have to learn that they cant just give up everything. They dont hate it. DD2 prefers it to DD1

You do kinda seem as if you've looked down your nose at them and this may result in them making snipey comments.

Maybe at the next comment made say I'm sorry if I've come across as snobby IL, it wasn't my intention and leave it at that? If the situation doesn't improve maybe keep your distance if it's impacting you.

Its not you, its your inlaws but your DHs inertia re his parents is also hurting his own family now as well as his own self. He really does have to address this now. I therefore do not think you are going to get all that far with him this weekend when you talk to him; he will likely shut you down completely.

Raise and reaffirm your boundaries re these people; you do not have to see them very often.

re your comment on what your H said about his mother:-
"He's told me before she doesn't mean it".

Yes she does mean it, she absolutely does mean it. This phrase is really code for, "I know what she is like but I cannot or equally will not deal with it now". This may well be because of his own fear, obligation and guilt. This whole dynamic has been present his entire life; this is what he in all likelihood grew up with. Its normal to him sadly. If he cannot defend himself well then he is going to be unable to defend you people as his own family unit.

People from dysfunctional families like your husband's end up playing roles; what role/s is/are your H playing here?. What are his boundaries like with regards to his parents and siblings?.

The grey rock technique can work well but it can be exhausting to keep up.

Are you all that surprised that his siblings are all dysfunctional as well?. I am not having read about them as they are all very much a product of their parents upbringing.

What exactly do you know about your DHs childhood?.

First OP, sorry for your loss of your dad. I can understand you would feel hurt if your DH's family didn't acknowledge and recognise your loss. I think this hurt you very much, understandably.

Hmm, so pls take this next comment in the spirit in which I intend it. Reading your posts they can in part come across a bit boasty. I'm sure you don't mean too but the written word is sometimes hard to know how it was said. For example you said about your DC's hockey sch is very academic. I think I know what you mean, they are not there really for the sport more as it's a feeder and that's where they would have gone anyway. But, some could interpret that as my kids are going there as they are very intelligent. The academic comment could be perceived in a number of ways Iyswim? Similar examples in your other posts, particularly about DH's siblings .You said I think In your last post that ' I want them to do hockey'. I know what you mean but some could say what about what they want?

I wonder if your DH's family just don't 'get' you? Without really knowing about your background, ie working class family etc, could your DH's family think that you have done quite well for yourself,through their son,from humble beginnings?
Or vice versa?

Also, i don't know if you work but could his family feel that the financial contribution in your marriage has been unequal? Could they think you have ideas above your station. I'm just throwing ideas out here so pls don't take personally.

I think before you spk to your DH you should have a think about how his families reaction to your fathers passing and illness makes you feel about them. Could any of that be clouding your judgement now? Could they possibly have a view of you that is wrong but one that you may have inadvertently created ?

Talking to your DH will open up the can as it were and start a chain of events. If you have a good think and on reflection still feel it's unwarranted and makes you unhappy then you should spk to DH. It is a tricky one as they are his family but equally you his wife so he will have a balancing act here to navigate. Good luck OP.

Hockey is not snobbish, I used to love it at school!

I do think they are jealous, but do you maybe rub it in their faces a bit? I mean, when you're describing things on here it does sound a bit boastful. Do you talk about things in front of them in a similar way?

P.S I do think comments about your dad and dd are so out of order. Do you think that your relationship with them is a bit competitive?

I am sorry but i would be jolly tempted to just say fuck off plebs to them, i have no time for such cuntfuckery

Your further posts do come across as quite condescending or patronising towards his family. Socially inept, sad and to be pitied. Combine that with the need to emphasis how academic the girls school is, the fact that your house is amazing, that you and DH are the only ones that have managed to remain married really does suggest you see yourself as superior to them. It probably makes them feel very inferior.

It's a very difficult situation you find yourself in. I can understand completely, but you need to be very careful about talking to your DH about it. I dislike my SIL, as does DH, not all the time, but there are aspects about her personality I find really really annoying, DH knows this, but he has had a lifetime of this behaviour, and lets it brush over him.
I, on the other hand, sometimes get so pissed off I have a real tantrum (childish I know). All that happens is DH and I have an argument; I now realise that she actually has a toxic affect on our relationship, so I am determined now to ignore her when she 'does what she does'. DH cannot control her, she will not change, he dislikes it but copes with it, I have to learn to do the same.
Your DH might already feel as you do, but know that short of no contact things won't change, whatever is said.

Good luck OP

I’d have to be passive aggressive and say if we were snobs we wouldn’t be mixing with the likes of you (sniff and turn mouth down in a bitchy way).
Knobs.

Actually that might be aggressive aggressive.