How to broach inlaw issue with DH?

[ministollenbite]

This might be long, please bear with me. I have name changed for this thread.

DH is the oldest of 4, he's the only one to leave the town he was born in. Is successful and dependable. He is the only one married and still with the mother of his children. We have been together 25 years.

Our house is amazing (this is relevant). We finally built our own house after years of renting while looking for the right site. I managed the build, know lots of people in the trade thanks to my brother so have a fab house for much less then a builder would have cost us. It's not a mansion, we have no surplus rooms. But we put our heart and souls into it. We spent where it mattered and saved lots where it didn't/wouldn't be seen. It is fabulous and we are very proud of it and what we achieved.

Anyway, since we are now in our own house the comments towards me have started. We took them to lunch, DH went and paid and the comment was 'Sure, hasn't he loads of money' - Yes he bloody has because he works hard.

I went to a free event in DFS, was photographed and it was in a magazine. I knew none of this. IL's saw the pic and were asking me about it. I told them I hadn't a clue but after some thought suggested that it could only have been this free event. FIL then made a comment about me social climbing. I was only there in the hope of winning the couch in the draw!

Both DD's play hockey, neither are that sporty but I think it's important to play a team sport, and the secondary school they will go to is a big hockey school. Anyway, MIL has previously commented 'Hockey? I always knew you were a snob!' I was taken aback but just said, 'Are you only realising that now?' and laughed it off.

We were visiting this weekend - after hockey, so DD1 was in her kit. The first comment was that those hockey skorts are for snobs who go to boarding school! I told her it was the kit and that's what all girls playing sport wear. She then said to the girls 'You'll never be snobs while I'm around'. DH was also in the room. I said nothing. I have mentioned to him on the other occasions that I expect him to tell his mother to cut out this commentary.

I'm sick to bloody death of them. Every time I've we've visited since we've moved into the house I've got the snob or social climbing comments. This was the last straw.

I haven't told DH about the 'he may as well pay for lunch, he's loaded' comment as I think he would be rightfully hurt, it was said in from on both DDs. There was also a comment from an uncle a couple of years back. Along the lines of - Your wedding was one of the best days out we had. Your dad was a bit of an old bollox, your mother is lovely though'. This was my dad who was dealing with cancer, and paying for the whole bloody 'best day' and who has since died. None of DH's brothers came to my dads funeral or even sent me a card or text of condolence.

There have been other comments from one of his brothers but we could be here all day.

And now I've had enough. I'm going to broach it with DH this weekend. DH is a man of few words, we rarely argue as he wont engage. He's told me before she doesn't mean it. Yes she fucking does.

How can I broach this without turning into a harpey?

My DH is handsome, incredibly clever, kind and funny; however his family are now really colouring how I feel about him. This is where he came from after all and his never putting a stop to these comments and standing up for me are making me think is this what I'm looking at for the rest of my days?

Do you think your husband doesn’t know what his family is like and that he doesn’t have an opinion on this? Of course he does and he knows them better than you. Any retaliation will result in his mother having her views confirmed. All you will get is another biting comment and her gathering the clan around in condemnation of you.

She wants to battle you for her son. He has left the clan and done it for you. He isn’t refusing to fight for you, he is refusing to behave on her terms. To behave the way she brought him up, bitching and arguing. She can’t get to him, she is going for you. Don’t be the weak link.

But to be honest, hockey on Ireland is ridiculously middle class and Anglo Irish. Their reaction is probably a cultural thing and yes it is sectarian unless you live in a Protestant community. Even then it would grate against working class unionists. I would also say in my experience their baiting is quite mild for an Irish family.

But to be honest, hockey on Ireland is ridiculously middle class and Anglo Irish. Their reaction is probably a cultural thing and yes it is sectarian unless you live in a Protestant community. Even then it would grate against working class unionists.

I think you'll find most Irish people have long ago stopped attibuting sectarianism to sports in general years ago.

As for hockey, it was played in all the convent scools in the midlands and South east of Ireland when I was in secondary scool in the 70s.

They are very chippy, bitter, insecure and immature people. Your poor DH. Please don't let these shits affect how you see him.
I have been him. My "family" was belittling DHs lovely parents, and were more or less openly jealous of me and mocking me for trying to aim for other things in life. Yes we do OK. Because we work our socks off.
My DH felt nothing but sadness for me for having to deal with my shit "family". He understood my conflicting emotions about them. He was even way too nice to them.
I went NC with the fuckers and no regrets.

I had a very similar problem with my Mil. It was obvious that although I could have the chat with my DH, it would b putting him in a difficult position. It also became obvious that if I confronted the comments directly, I would always come off worse. So I gave them what they expected of me. I suddenly became so busy with frivolous activities, always at the salon, gym, yoga, you name it, haha, that I barely had time for them. I arranged regular activities that my DD had been begging to do, thus cutting available time to visit. I made my DH home life dream, every opportunity I got. And on the few instances that they had the opportunity to have a go at me, I laughed...... Smiled....... Gave a lingering look of ice cold I don't care. In the end my Mil realised that I was actually the one who held all the cards. That until that point I had being playing nice. That she WAS the matriarch, but I am replacing her. She understood the message loud and clear, eventually. She began to be kinder, less critical, bit her tongue and showed me some respect. These days I barely remember how she used to treat me. She's getting older, I help her however I can, those days are behind us. Show her what you are made of, and the rest of her family will fall into line.

Don't be afraid of exaggerating your willful waste of money and excesses, she needs to know your playing up to it, and undermining her in the process.

Good luck, truth is you DO hold all the cards. She knows it, but you don't........ Yet!

We live in a crazy hockey town in the north Island of New Zealand and there's no getting away from hockey....

You MIL has a huge chip on her shoulder by the sound of it. Inverted snobbery was mentioned by someone earlier and I think that's what it is. Plain and simple petty jealousy. You need to pull her up on the snobby comments or your children will think that type of attitude is acceptable

I am going to bring up the subject with DH taking the tack that I am not going to be called a snob in front of my daughters by her, and as such will be reducing my trips to their house.

I dont expect him to confront her and drive any wedge between them. I am happy for him to go to see his family without me. I spend time with mine without him.

If it comes up as to why is 'Stollen' not with you again? I would hope that he said, every time she has been down lately you have made comments about social climbing and being a snob and they are making her feel uncomfortable. I doubt he will though.

I'd be taking the girls to lots of hockey ....:) wheres stollen ? hockey club...wheres dgc hockey club,
if you can find lacrosse so much the better or maybe camogie?

you are in a strong position to a certain extent but also cant do right for wrong as they say.... need to be clear they will see less of dgc if they are going to rude to you and especially in front of the DD -if you cant trust him to call them out then the dd will go less.......

they're not good grandparents if they are snipping at the dd mum in front of them.....