How to broach inlaw issue with DH?

[ministollenbite]

This might be long, please bear with me. I have name changed for this thread.

DH is the oldest of 4, he's the only one to leave the town he was born in. Is successful and dependable. He is the only one married and still with the mother of his children. We have been together 25 years.

Our house is amazing (this is relevant). We finally built our own house after years of renting while looking for the right site. I managed the build, know lots of people in the trade thanks to my brother so have a fab house for much less then a builder would have cost us. It's not a mansion, we have no surplus rooms. But we put our heart and souls into it. We spent where it mattered and saved lots where it didn't/wouldn't be seen. It is fabulous and we are very proud of it and what we achieved.

Anyway, since we are now in our own house the comments towards me have started. We took them to lunch, DH went and paid and the comment was 'Sure, hasn't he loads of money' - Yes he bloody has because he works hard.

I went to a free event in DFS, was photographed and it was in a magazine. I knew none of this. IL's saw the pic and were asking me about it. I told them I hadn't a clue but after some thought suggested that it could only have been this free event. FIL then made a comment about me social climbing. I was only there in the hope of winning the couch in the draw!

Both DD's play hockey, neither are that sporty but I think it's important to play a team sport, and the secondary school they will go to is a big hockey school. Anyway, MIL has previously commented 'Hockey? I always knew you were a snob!' I was taken aback but just said, 'Are you only realising that now?' and laughed it off.

We were visiting this weekend - after hockey, so DD1 was in her kit. The first comment was that those hockey skorts are for snobs who go to boarding school! I told her it was the kit and that's what all girls playing sport wear. She then said to the girls 'You'll never be snobs while I'm around'. DH was also in the room. I said nothing. I have mentioned to him on the other occasions that I expect him to tell his mother to cut out this commentary.

I'm sick to bloody death of them. Every time I've we've visited since we've moved into the house I've got the snob or social climbing comments. This was the last straw.

I haven't told DH about the 'he may as well pay for lunch, he's loaded' comment as I think he would be rightfully hurt, it was said in from on both DDs. There was also a comment from an uncle a couple of years back. Along the lines of - Your wedding was one of the best days out we had. Your dad was a bit of an old bollox, your mother is lovely though'. This was my dad who was dealing with cancer, and paying for the whole bloody 'best day' and who has since died. None of DH's brothers came to my dads funeral or even sent me a card or text of condolence.

There have been other comments from one of his brothers but we could be here all day.

And now I've had enough. I'm going to broach it with DH this weekend. DH is a man of few words, we rarely argue as he wont engage. He's told me before she doesn't mean it. Yes she fucking does.

How can I broach this without turning into a harpey?

My DH is handsome, incredibly clever, kind and funny; however his family are now really colouring how I feel about him. This is where he came from after all and his never putting a stop to these comments and standing up for me are making me think is this what I'm looking at for the rest of my days?

Is hockey considered snobbish? Wow. Lucky they don't go to a lacrosse playing school 😆

I would never allow my family to talk to my DH this way.

Has your DH said why he just lets it go?

They are being rude but you sound rude too to be honest. DH is from a fairly poor background but is now hugely successful. I am hugely proud of him - he had worked really hard to get where he is.

However what that means for his parents is that they find it impossible to relate to his life, e.g. they have never been on a plane, he regularly travels internationally. They also will never have the relationship with they would like with him and our children as his job means we live far away. I try to be respectful that it isn't all easy for them. Having a child that chooses such a different life to yours inevitably makes it harder to relate to them.

But my MIL would never make that snob comment but neither I or DH would be offended by the lunch comment as it is true. We always pay for meals out.

What is a harpey? Some kind of argument, I suppose. I'm guessing you're in Ireland from other terminology used?

I with you, OP, they really don't sound very nice at all. The thing about your dad I would find hard to forgive. And why should you have to change your DDs out of their hockey kit so as not to 'offend' their grandmother. She sounds very strange.

I would just avoid them all as much as possible. But yes, your DH should be sticking up for you more.

It’s called inverted snobbery and is based on the old green eyed monster. To be frank I had similar comments with regard to Brexit (people know I am hugely anti it for all kinds of reasons). I’ve been told, ‘it’s only because you get to travel to Europe with work sometimes’ or ‘you have a business that trades with them’ or ‘your son fancied working in Germany (and could feasibly do so) ‘ etc. In every case the people saying this stuff were people who wanted everything on the doorstep. Now the way I see it, that’s all fine and dandy if that’s what you want, but don’t get resentful of those who choose to not do that . I would insist your DH has a word and asks them to cut the snide comments as it’s upsetting to you and therefore peeing him off

Unless the brothers were particularly close to your father I wouldn't expect them to attend his funeral. Obviously what the uncle said about him was horrible and you are very sensitive about it but I think strike that one (the not attending the funeral) off your list of grievances. I wouldn't expect to attend my sister's father-in-law's funeral unless my sister particularly needed my support.

It may be unintentional but you come across as feeling you're a cut above them.

Rise above the snob comments and simply act like you've not heard. Silence is a very effective technique.

Your DH is a non confrontational man and will not want to challenge his mum.

Let it go. It's not worth it.

Challenge them every time and make them feel uncomfortable for a change. It's jealousy pure and simple. They are working class you are not and it makes them feel inferior but that's not your problem

I'm not boasting about the school being academic. Someone asked why I am sending them to a sporty school if they are not sporty. I'm am simply pointing out that the school is academic but hockey is the main sport played. We are not in the UK, we have a very different schooling system, their primary feeds into a very decent secondary school. However most of our secondary schools are very decent, this one just happens to be all about hockey. I did ask my dd's today about hockey and what they would give it as an activity out of 10. Both said they enjoyed it and gave it a 7. I am not forcing them into something they hate.

DH had a very happy childhood. His parents ran their own business are were out working all day. They got themselves out to school and home afterwards until tea time. So from that point of view they were self sufficient I suppose.

His family put on a great veneer, (he will say this himself). It's all monologues but without actually really talking about anything. Totally superficial. Any issues will be glossed over, if we pretend it isnt happening then it isnt happening. If you get my meaning.

DH as the oldest is called to put out the occasional fire and come and talk sense into someone.

our further posts do come across as quite condescending or patronising towards his family. Socially inept, sad and to be pitied. I dont mean to be, by socially inept I mean this brother would like nothing better then to settle down and start a family. But he sits at home all evening after work playing computer games and is a great man for a joke but not so good at a two way conversation. Sad and to be pitied - as I said I dont want to go into too much info but I am sad for and pity the way anothers life had turned out. It's not what you would wish for anyone but only he can change it and the 'lets pretend all is fine attitude' is not helping.

loveyoutothemoon I say very little in front of them, so no I dont go around boasting about my 'wonderful' life! FFS I have wanted to post about this issue for ages but am aware of how it might come across, and get me a bit of a roasting.

7yo7yo I had to read that a couple of time.

cloudpop : ) we'd just have to sever all ties if they took up Lacrosse. God forbid DD1 is ever picked for the debating team.

Heckypeck those comments were about me being a snob and a social climber. The ones about him paying for lunch - he was at the counter paying for lunch at the time.

changingevery how am I being rude? I'm not calling them plebs or peasants. I am respectful. I listen to his father droning on when everyone else has legged it. I downplay lots of stuff. But I'm not going to apologise for where and how we live because it might make them uncomfortable.

Yes I'm in Ireland, and I suppose you could say they might think I have notions.

I am a SAHM as we agreed that we wanted one of us to be at home to bring up the children. I am aware that we are very lucky to be in the position we are. I have a feeling that they think poor old DH is working like a dog while your one is spending all the money as fast as it comes in - on hockey sticks and the like!

Someone asked what a harpey is - its a nag.

Thanks for all your insights. It has helped me straighten things in my mind slightly.

Mitzymaybe, in Ireland funerals are very different affairs. Funerals are a big deal here, you pay your respects to the family of the deceased. They are my inlaws they would definitely pay their respects by text at the very least. My family would all go to my DH's parents funeral if it arose.

This sounds pathetic but Atilla I am honoured you took the time to respond. I have been on Mumsnet for over a decade and when you comment on a thread, I think - that's it the Oracle has spoken!

Thanks again all

Take a leaf out of your husbands book and don't engage. They are looking for a reaction and you are giving it to them. If your husband confronts them about it they will just find sneakier ways to give you digs.

Irish people's begrudgery of anyone who does better is legendary. You are not going to be able to change the culture. Just ignore it.

A harpy is a nagging, grasping woman out for what she can get.

You sound like you're proud of your family's achievments and that's fair enough. That's as it should be.

A solid upbringing helps the children achieve as much as, if not more than the parents.

However, for a 'small town' family, who thought they were doing well, to come across success greater than theirs and feeling that that success is being rubbed in their faces, to see their son become something they're not, acquiring different hobbies, sports, interests and, perhaps accents will provoke a reaction, whether their feelings are justified or not.

Whether they don't want your DH to 'forget where he came from' or whether they're jealous and just trying to take the shiny off what they perceive as your uppity-ness, is a matter for debate.

Not going to your Dad's funeral and not even paying respects, is just poor.

Have a word with your DH. Quietly and calmly explain what's been happening and how you're feeling about it.

You asked, so these are the bits I would personally find rude in your in-laws shoes. My guess would be that even if you haven't said anything directly that they are perfectly aware of your feelings...

DH is the oldest of 4, he's the only one to leave the town he was born in. Is successful and dependable. He is the only one married and still with the mother of his children. We have been together 25 years.

This paragraph implies to me that you think it is an achievement to leave the home town, it is just a different lifestyle choice. It comes across that you look down on his home town as not interesting enough.

Relationships breakdown. Your marriage is a great achievement for you but relationship breakdown happens and it isn't a competition between the brothers or they are less people for not choosing to have a committed relationship.

I wont go into the brothers lives, One is a lovely guy but socially inept, another is a mess and to be pitied (a very long story I'm not going into) The last is a shit father who has also passed nasty comments about my brother, which I have forgiven in the past but his taking issue with me having a relationship with the mother of his children was the last straw for me this summer. They all had the same chances as DH. After none of them acknowledged my dads death 9 years ago I will admit I dont like them very much.

Socially inept is normally a judgemental way to describe someone who is introverted and chooses not to focus on social relationships. There is normally nothing wrong with that unless they are being directly offensive.

Maybe the brother is a shit father but it isn't really your place to pass judgement on that. I would imagine that MIL is clear you don't like her other sons if you have had disagreements.

There is jealousy there, but jealous of your son who is a hard worker. FFS. The man won a full scholarship to University, has worked for everything he had. They should be beaming with pride at his achievements.

You think they are jealous and should feel proud, rather than maybe sad their son isn't as close and disappointed he isn't close to his brothers. My MIL is far prouder of her grandchildren than academic or financial achievements. Different people value different things and you can't be sure of their motivations

You shouldn't apologise for how you choose to live your life no, but you also shouldn't expect them to value the same lifestyle choices you have made. MIL calling you a snob is rude but based on what you said I can see how she would feel that you are judging her sons and her and she would feel defensive.

So maybe DH just sees a massive culture clash between his wife and mother. Clearly you should take priority but I can understand why he wouldn't want a big confrontation. Let him take responsibility for his and his children's relationship with them and take a step back. But I think pushing him to damage his relationship with them over this would be unfair.

You've just reminded me, after one of the previous snob comments, she did turn to DH and say 'Dont forget where you came from'.

Just to clarify MIL and FIL did pay their respects and minded our two very small children while we went to the funeral.

I would be incredibly upset if my dh heard these comments and didn't defend me.

As for how to approach it, why don't you try it from the dc perspective? You're worried that the comments your iL's make will tarnish their relationship with their grandparents, or it's harmful if they hear their GP say these things about you. It teaches lack of respect and manners, it's teaching your dc to disrespect people and be rude etc?

I'd then want to tackle the issue of him standing up for you. These comments aren't made in jest and are hurtful, and if he sits by and lets them say these things it shows a lack of respect for you and his silence, is his agreement with them almost

Whilst I would want my DH to stand up for me as I would for him if it was the other way round. However I would be very upset if my DH was talking about my family in the way you are talking about his and I would certainly be pulling him up on it.

It's the lobster pot analogy, his family are trying to pull him back down. Of course you're the evil harpy who gave him notions above his station!

I'm Irish and I know exactly what you mean in your posts. The parochial nature of the interactions, the who's doing better than/ worse than someone else. The eternal comparisons with other family members, the parish. The valley of the squinting windows isn't the half of it.

It's a very old-fashioned view of the world. Everyone is compared to the morals and values of the family of origin and found wanting. Equally all the shite is brushed under the carpet, the failed marriages, the alcoholism, the social ineptitude. My own family has had in-law feuds for years and I'm not going to let them go on to the next generation.

I agree with Attila's suggestions of grey rock and trying to deal with your husband first. He needs to have your back in this situation. Your MIL is a nasty piece of work and it's not going to get better. If you try and raise it directly with her, you'll be the worst in the world.

sweeneytodsrazor I'm giving strangers on the internet context, what would you like him to pull me up on?

I'm not the one calling them names in front of their children. I'm not the one insulting their father or brother.

TheLongRider - exactly.

The thing is she's not a nasty piece of work. She loves her grand children and they love her. These comments are since we moved into our house and I'm getting very tired of them. They are nasty and I have had one every time we have seen them since. They obviously have always thought I'm a snob but i'd rather they had kept it to themselves.

Twas far from hockey you were reared
Its a type of nastiness that bothers me even more after so many years in the US where the attitude is so different.

Exactly, it's why I was happy to stay living in the UK. I would be able to have all the notions I wanted and just say it was the done thing!

whoknew thank you I will take that approach. We have lots of convos with the children about respect for themselves and others.

If your husband does bring it up with them they will say they were "only having the craic" and you were getting thick about nothing. Any sort of insult or nastiness can be dismissed as craic and you will be portrayed as the unreasonable one. Just ignore, it will drive them nuts.

Sahm when both kids are at school? What do you do with yourself all day? Why don't you now work?

I can see why you're angry but don't take it out on your husband he didn't make any of these comments and is being put in a very awkward position. He's trying to tread a fine line of keeping out of it and not creating family strife. If it's getting you down, reduce your contact with them. My read of their behaviour is that they are jealous and worried that he will leave them behind in some way (remember where you came from) so are trying to pull him and you backwards. Don't punish him for others behaviour...that's wrong and a cruel thing to do. I agree with others on here, frame the conversation with him around protecting your DD from the catty comments and be the better people in this, rise above it. Don't risk your family future but allowing this to drive a wedge between you and your husband.