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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH touching me whilst asleep

428 replies

qwertyl · 03/12/2018 22:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now Envy

OP posts:
Aquilla · 04/12/2018 14:56

Here's a crazy idea: why don't you tell him loudly to fucking stop that.

picklemebaubles · 04/12/2018 14:57

Quick summary for the hard of thinking...

OP is upset about what happened.
He grabbed her belly knowing she doesn't like it, while she was asleep.
He stopped when she woke up.
He waited until she was asleep, did it again, and pushed his fingers into her.
He knew she'd have said no if he initiated sex.
She thinks he's done it before, as she's woken up wet.

Does any of that sound like consensual sex? Sleepy wake up sex? No? That's right, because it isn't, it's assault.
No murmurs of endearment, actions to turn her on, nothing. NOT CONSENSUAL.

Ok?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2018 15:15

Here's a crazy idea: why don't you tell him loudly to fucking stop that
So it's back to being op's fault. By the time he'd forced his fingers into her, it was too late for the assault to have not happened. She clearly didn't lie there whilst he got himself off so stopped it as soon as she could but there's also panic, incomprehension, shoc ketc which can render someone incapable of action. It isn't PP's fault that her partner assaulted her

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 15:15

Adora10 don't just take half my sentence to try and prove a point, I finished that sentence with if its not ok with her, then it is not ok end of

picklemepopcorn · 04/12/2018 15:23

Nessie, when you read my summary a couple of posts back, does it sound like that would be ok sometimes?

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 15:34

Adora10 don't just take half my sentence to try and prove a point,

All you have banged on about is how you would be ok with this type of sex, we all heard you loud and clear, you are completely missing the point, and my point above was deliberate, because, you seem to be incapable of distinguishing between enjoyable sex and sex forced on you whilst unconscious, fuck knows how you can't tell the difference.

Onestep2 · 04/12/2018 15:44

@scattypenny I'm the same as you. I've woken DH up with blow jobs or touching his penis and he has woken me up under similar circumstances and I rather enjoy it. in our relationship this is totally normal and I would never dream of saying I had been sexually assaulted.

That said HOWEVER, I think the fact is OP is that you yourself felt uncomfortable/violated with what happened. I think you really need to speak to your DH to find out what his intentions were and if you can move past it. If not then it's up to you where you go from here. Good luck.

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 15:47

I wouldn't bother Onestep2 I've spent 8 pages trying to stay exactly that.

ScattyPenny · 04/12/2018 15:47

Adora, calm the fuck down. You seem to be more upset about this than the OP.

Some women would be fine with it. Others wouldn't.

It's not a war. It's just different people with different ideas about what is acceptable in a relationship. OP isn't fine with it. Nobody is vilifying her for that. Nobody should be telling her how she should think or feel on either side of the fence.

I share my body with my partner (and vice versa) because I love and trust him. If he ever did anything to hurt or frighten me that would change. It's probably got a lot to do with past experiences.

Not one person here has said that the OP is wrong to feel the way she does.

ScattyPenny · 04/12/2018 15:47

Onestep, exactly that.

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 15:49

Why are the loudest voices those who think it's fine.

Here's an idea, keep it to yourself you think it's fine if you're woken up being sexually assaulted. It doesn't matter if you like it or think it's fine, it's not, even in the eyes of the law, it's not.

If you enjoy it, TBH that's your problem, and maybe you should work on that yourself, but the OP is not OK with it, she felt sick about it and was in an emotional state. This isn't normal, and shouldn't be normalised by other women with a 'take it on the chin' mentality.

This could have been happening previously too, and the OP is concerned. If you believe being penetrated without consent or consciousness is normal then step away from this thread and go and read and educate yourself on consent and lack there of. Because it's not normal and it's not fine.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 15:52

Adora, calm the fuck down. You seem to be more upset about this than the OP.

You are actually dangerous, the poor OP, shocked and feeling utterly sick and you compare my reaction to you and your minimisers to worse than what she has been through; utter shame on you, you make me sick, I hope this thread gets pulled for the OPs sake, people like you should not be allowed to post.

CaptainsYuleLog · 04/12/2018 15:55

I suspect there are hairy hands on this thread. Creepy.

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2018 15:55

Adora, myself and others are trying to say though the onestep that isnt the point, it isnt exactly that.

This thread is not about being woken up with people initiating sex. No one is arguing that it is sexual assault to do that in a relationship.

This is not about that. This is about a man who knew that the answer would be no to sex. Who touched his wife in an area he knew she disliked to check she was asleep. Further presumably put his fingers inside her to double check she was asleep. This is also an OP who has in the past thought that he had done the same and gone even further and had PIV when she was asleep. This is as much as control, power and ownership as it is about sex.

Most find the idea of this revolting. I also find the idea that people are ok with this (and the second example not the first) because its further evidence in the erosion of the idea that sex should be a mutually enjoyable pasttime. That is what upsets me.

ScattyPenny · 04/12/2018 15:56

Okay. Fair enough. You win this battle you have created.

Like Nessie, I give up and wish the OP good luck in whatever she chooses to do.

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 16:08

Please do give up, honestly, certain people are damaging to other women and in no way help the OP pushing an agenda that it's fine.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 16:10

Quartz, I know exactly what this is about, I just can't stand people comparing it to sex with their partners and how they are A ok with it.

You would have to be thick as mince to read what the OP has written and then compare it to your own sex life when it is clearly an emotional post about violation and sexual assault.

PoesyCherish · 04/12/2018 16:20

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. How awful. You are not overreacting at all and it is not okay for him to have done this. What he's done is sexual assault. I know that's probably really hard to hear right now but trust your feelings and instincts on this.

You mention not wanting to leave the DC alone with him, do you think you could tell him to leave? You don't / shouldn't need to leave, it's your house and he's the one in the wrong, he should be the one leaving. Either just to give you space (if it's what you want) or more permanently. Sending an unmumsnetty hug Flowers

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 04/12/2018 16:31

Can I please just re-post picklemebaubles summary over and over again?
Though I am not sure why it needs repeating FFS! This wasn't an attempt to initiate some sleepy, mutually satisfying sex. This was the OP's partner shoving his fingers inside her WITHOUT HER CONSENT!

OP, I hope you are OK and getting some real life support, and that the way this thread has turned out hasn't upset you further.

CantWaitToRetire · 04/12/2018 16:45

OP, if you can hear me alongside all the arguments that are going on between other posters, then I have a genuine question.

You say you sleep heavier than your partner and fall asleep quicker. You also say you think he wanted you to be asleep before touching you. So my question is, do you feel you've been sleeping heavier than normal on this or other occasions? I don't particularly want to suggest something sinister, but is there any chance you've been given anything to make you sleepy? I'm happy to be told absolutely not and I'm way off the mark, but in the context of what has been happening, and what you may have slept through previously, it's worth exploring.

cocodash · 04/12/2018 16:58

OP I feel so bad that this has happened to you I truly do. As many have posted on here, only you know your own boundaries and obviously in this case your boundaries have been well and truley crossed leaving you hurt and confused at the man you have spent so long sharing a bed with. Which is not okay in any relationship. I hope that you find the comfort knowing that you have so much support in this thread and that you find the courage to deal with the situation as you see fit.

I also understand that Mumsnet is a forum where people post their own personal opinions, and quite rightly everyone has different opinions that they are entitle to and have a right to voice this opinion. Where a difference of opinions happen there usually is a debate, however I feel some posters on this have taken this “debate” too far.

Regardless of the subject matter of this thread @Adora10 the way you speak to others and have come across on this thread is absolutely disgusting. Your aggressive language, abusive comments towards other posters is nothing short of bully tactics. You have absolutely no right to call other woman thick and stupid and brand their opinions worthless. The fact you think this is acceptable is beyond vile and is downright abusive and demeaning to other woman. You should be ashamed of the way you have spoken to other woman on this thread

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 17:03

but is there any chance you've been given anything to make you sleepy? I'm happy to be told absolutely not and I'm way off the mark, but in the context of what has been happening, and what you may have slept through previously, it's worth exploring.

This is something I was asking about earlier, without really saying it, asking why it was she was sleeping heavier.

As she said she felt he could have done this before as she felt wet on waking, there is something to explore and think about here.

90mammasophie · 04/12/2018 17:05

Really surprised by a lot of these comments. What's happened IS a serious thing. I don't know how you'd be able to sleep beside him now, knowing he might start touching you or more. Do you trust him? In general ? You think he might have been doing this (maybe more) for a while.. what else might he be capable of. Sorry. Wishing you strength to deal with this situation.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 17:10

Coco: do you actually think I care about women who are finding excuses for a man that has clearly violated a woman?

What I find disgusting and what you find disgusting are two different things, and I'm A OK with that, I can also sleep well tonight knowing I called out people who were deliberately minimising what is sexual assault and everything I have said is in defence of the OP, so take your opinions of me and shove them Coco, I honestly don't care what you think of me.

Using words like thick and stupid are valid in this instance so you telling me to feel ashamed has jack shit effect on me, you'd be better spending your time advising the OP than slagging me off.

Original poster
qwertyl · 04/12/2018 17:27

Have read all the posts, it's been on my mind all day and I know I have to discuss this evening even though I want it to go away. I can't respond to everyone's points but I can say:

We have had sleepy sex, this was different. I am sure he didn't want me to wake up. It makes me feel sick and sad to type that as it makes me believe he sees sex as a purely physical act for him that he wants/will get regardless. If I ever felt horny and he was asleep/away etc I'd find a way to satisfy that need without violating him - as I said, he has a high sex drive, he probably wouldn't ever say no or feel violated.

How can he see that with 4 DD if this happened to them he would be furious I'm sure...I am sure he would never touch them at all (have no reason to believe otherwise) but the deviancy of last night is now making me question everything (please don't make this worse launching into child sex abuse etc. I AM NOT suggesting that but 15+ years with a man I thought I knew has made me question that...

As to drugging. No, again, would not believe so but is his form to give me one more glass of wine etc yes, and I go along with it so I probably am sleepy enough to let it happen. I get more tired than he and I am often up with the dcs when he is not. So drink has probably played a part -

I just feel desperately sad that for whatever this reason this has happened and DH is not the DH I'd hoped for me and my dcs....

I'm sorry to have started any fighting obstacles posters who have all tried to help. I'd desperately love a day or two on my own trying to work things through but job and dcs won't allow that - no way he'll go somewhere else. We have 2 step dcs who visit through the week and I really don't want to cause a problem if everyone's life/

Oh and lastly - I did tell him to get the fuck off, jumped up and went downstairs followed by sleeping in DDs room once is felt him out his fingers in me which thankfully was enough to wake me. He was coming towards me (my back) and I have every intention of asking if he intended to put his penis in me or to get his kicks with his fingers there because I am certain it wasn't with the intention of waking me up to get involved.... we have sex two to three times a week, he's hardly starved...

OP posts: