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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH touching me whilst asleep

428 replies

qwertyl · 03/12/2018 22:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now Envy

OP posts:
Adora10 · 04/12/2018 14:09

If shes not comfortable, then shes not comfortable

Nesssie, minimising again.

If you bothered to read the OPs feelings on the matter, I doubt comfortable is an appropriate word, try, shock and feeling sick.

She also said:

I'm sure to make sure I was asleep

What more evidence do you want or need??????

Sunisshining5346 · 04/12/2018 14:11

OP you need to just look at the majority on here. The majority think this is completely unacceptable!!! The odd idiot just wants an argument! This is extremely serious. You feel violated. You will feel on edge everytime you go to sleep from now on.

THAT IS NOT OK!!

Bekabeech · 04/12/2018 14:14

OP you are not over reacting.
My advice is to phone rape crisis and talk to them. Get professional help and advice.

And my bottom line is if you feel violated you probably have regardless of the law or what a court would say. And ultimately what happens next is your decision.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 14:14

Eeeew, imagine being fast asleep and your partner thinking it ok to insert two fingers inside you, to get you going.

Nesssie, he must be one shit lover pal that's all I can say.

CandyCreeper · 04/12/2018 14:18

This comes up on here so often, and it always splits opinions personally it wouldnt bother me but i understand everyone is different.

Sunisshining5346 · 04/12/2018 14:21

It wouldn't bother you? So if you didn't wake up, your partner had put his fingers into while you were asleep and got off on it.
You wake up the next morning and have no idea that he had done that. He tells you what he did. You would be ok with that?!

CandyCreeper · 04/12/2018 14:24

wouldnt bother
me, I cant pretend that it would 🤷‍♀️.

Missingstreetlife · 04/12/2018 14:27

It doesn't matter what most people think, legally it's assault.
Op should speak to her partner unless she is afraid, in which case leave with children or throw him out. Show him the cup of tea video, it's so clear and tell him he's a nonce. Don't sleep with him ATM, spare bed or sofa.
If he doesnt get it she should kick him out. If he is apologetic she should use her judgement as to whether it's genuine and consider if she wants to separate. He has to know this is a red line.
Op unfortunately there are other threads on this same issue and lots of advice support (and some idiots).
Rape crisis, women's aid will help. It's clear abuse, best wishes to you.

Twinningsloverbutnotanymore · 04/12/2018 14:29

Oh wow this is a deal breaker for me. He's out in my eyes. Toss his shit in the street and don't you dare feel bad. He's a rat. No way this is secxual assault you never said yes.

loveyoutothemoon · 04/12/2018 14:29

I sympathise with you OP. My ex used to do this, even after me telling him I didn't want him to. (That was part of a very bigger picture though).

I never thought that it was sexual assault at the time but I've seen so many people on here over the years saying that it is.

The main thing is, it's up to you if you forgive him or not but if it were to happen again after you setting the boundaries, that's unforgivable.

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 14:30

Sunisshining5346 but no one is saying that? Some of us are saying that we don't need to give express permission every time to our oh to start turning us on in anticipation of sex.

Adora10 on the contrary, waking up to oral sex/fingering is delightful.

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 14:31

My ex used to do this, even after me telling him I didn't want him to. - Now this is clear cut sexual abuse.

and this The main thing is, it's up to you if you forgive him or not but if it were to happen again after you setting the boundaries, that's unforgivable. is the main point here.

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 14:32

How can you know it would never bother you?

I seriously don't understand this at all. What if you were in crippling pain with a UTI or period pain? Or not in the mood to be penetrated?

You know your body is yours, and not nothing more then a sex toy at the disposal of a partner, asleep or awake?

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 14:35

I believe she already questioned if he was doing things to her in her sleep, and set the boundaries that it wasn't a good thing.

They were already established beforehand.

And here's another thing, no decent man thinks it's OK to penetrate an unconscious woman, whether they are in a relationship or not. A man who actually penetrates a sleeping woman and is fine with that is not OK.

CandyCreeper · 04/12/2018 14:36

Because its happened, it doesnt bother me. Not everyone gets upset or feels violated all the time.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 14:37

Nessie, I never said oral, now did I?

Read again, you seem to have a real problem understanding other's posts.

Shepherdspieisminging · 04/12/2018 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunisshining5346 · 04/12/2018 14:41

Candycreeper is saying that..she has just said it wouldn't bother her!!

It is very clear that the OP found this extremely distressing. She needs encourgement that she is right to feel like that, she isn't in the wrong. Not warped people on here telling her they wouldn't mind!!
Your relationship is not hers!!

She is upset and disgusted. And people should be reassuring her that is completely right to feel like that. Not making her doubt herself, by telling her they wouldn't mind!!

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2018 14:42

Candycreeper - what has happened though - full PIV sex when asleep or just the starting of to see if you are awake

The two are very different

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 14:43

She needs encourgement that she is right to feel like that,

The whole way through I've said that I don't mind but it all depends on the individual relationship and if its not ok with her, then it is not ok end of.

hannah1992 · 04/12/2018 14:49

I think what some posters aren't getting here is that in a trusting and loving relationship waking up your partner in a sexual way can be arousing etc

However, this is not what the OP is saying. She's saying that her DH waited for her to be asleep so he could do whatever. That is a completely different situation to being asleep all night and being woken up sexually in the morning by a horny partner or whatever.

OPs DH purposely waited for her to be asleep and made sure she was before he attempted anything which is quite frankly weird and not ok.

If My DH wants to wake me up by kissing me and touching me then that's great with me (doesn't happen due to children) but we know each other and are comfortable and we know what each other likes. If he had waited for me to be asleep like the OP has described to have his wicked way it would be a whole different story

Sunisshining5346 · 04/12/2018 14:50

Not everybody is adding if she's not ok with it, then it's not ok though. Just writing a sentence saying 'I wouldn't mind' is dangerous! And could sway her into thinking she might be over reacting.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 14:52

The whole way through I've said that I don't mind

But nobody was interested in your sex life or what you thought about your relationship, same with the other minimisers and excusers; the OPs point is clear to understand, you and a few others have done a great job of derailing and dismissing her feelings on the matter.

She knows her own life and what has been happening, you don't so but out if all you can do is go on about how you love being fingered when sleeping, you are actually giving me the boak, I don't think I've ever came across anyone that is so self centred they can't actually even understand what this post is about.

ToastedSandwichObsession · 04/12/2018 14:55

Oh Op this is wrong, your post made me feel shivery. This would be a deal breaker for me, no question especially because you'd laid your boundaries out already and he's ignored them.

On a side note I too am quite appalled at some views expressed on this subject. In fact I wasn't going to read on until the last comment on the first page (on my ipad) jumped out at me.

user1479305498 · 04/12/2018 14:56

Whoa! It doesn’t matter if some women would find this ok, you don’t one bit and nor would I. It’s the same as porn etc, it doesn’t matter if 3 out of 5 women have no issue with their partners whacking off to sex workers every day , if you have an issue with it, that’s totally your prerogative whilst in that relationship. I would leave someone for this to be honest.