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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH touching me whilst asleep

428 replies

qwertyl · 03/12/2018 22:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now Envy

OP posts:
LizzieBennettDarcy · 04/12/2018 22:18

Don't be rush into making any decisions OP. Take your time and explore how you really feel about this. He doesn't sound very apologetic, and I wonder if you need to talk to someone professional about this on your own so you can be 100% that you can trust him enough to share a bed again.

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 22:22

OP, do you think there's anyone you could talk to about this?

A therapist? Women's Aid? A doctor?

I hate that he made it out to be hardly anything, yet why do it anyway? It doesn't need to go further, that was bad enough as it was, it's crazy he doesn't realise this himself.

I doubt you got answers regarding other times too.

Maelstrop · 04/12/2018 22:38

Well done for broaching it, OP. That must have been extremely difficult.

Original poster
qwertyl · 04/12/2018 22:42

Yes I really do want to talk to someone that doesn't know him - friends and family are too close and I don't want to open up to them all - you guys have been amazing and I'm glad I didnt just brush over it - our marriage is far from perfect, I don't want to make quick decisions and I know most importantly by dc are safe so I will see what tomorrow holds. I don't want to underplay it, I also don't want to make an irreparable rift. Thank you all though for investing so much time and words of support - I don't ever want to feel like I did last night xx

OP posts:
TheWiseWomansFear · 04/12/2018 23:49

An accidental hand on boob or even cuddling and near private's I could understand.... what he has done is assault, quite frankly I'm sickened...

Sleephead1 · 05/12/2018 06:44

I'm thinking of you op and I hope you slept. Never let anyone minimise your feelings what he did is wrong and I'm incredibly surprised at the people defending what he did just because he is your husband or they like it. You don't like it , you don't have to like it and you have the right to go to bed and not be assaulted.

seahorse85 · 05/12/2018 07:15

OP I feel for you. Spoke to my partner about this this morning and he agreed it was a real violation. Awful for you. I honestly don't know what I'd do.

I haven't seen anyone defending his behaviour. No-one. I've seen different perspectives, which is always a good thing, and some unpleasant and uncalled for aggression.

However, I've RRFT and it seems pretty unanimous to me - everyone agrees this is an awful thing.

OP - remember though - you don't need validation from internet strangers. If you feel it then you feel it. Sending strength.

ToastedSandwichObsession · 05/12/2018 07:37

Oh quertyl you have a lot of processing to do now. I hope you find someone to talk this through with. I hate hugs but I'm sending you one anyway.

MattBerrysHair · 05/12/2018 14:05

Qwerty you seem really level headed and sensible in the face of something really traumatic.

About a year ago my dp and I were discussing our sex life and I said I'd quite like him to try waking me up with touching/penetration (I think I was ovulating and feeling particularly frisky and daring), but he said he wouldn't. I said 'it's OK if I consent to it beforehand' and he replied that it really wasn't. He is rightly very ill at ease with sexualy touching an unconscious person. After the conversation I realised that my ardour for that particular activity would completely disappear once I was asleep and in all likelihood would have elbowed him in the ribs if he tried anything.

I suppose I'm saying that if your dh tries to minimise his actions by claiming he didn't realise it was bad, all men do it, most women like it etc. you know for sure that he's talking crap.

All the best Op, ill be thinking of you 💐

Mishappening · 05/12/2018 15:59

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Missingstreetlife · 05/12/2018 16:13

Rape crisis will speak to you op. Be strong, cry if you want to.

thinkingcapon · 05/12/2018 16:36

Mishappening that's one of the most angering posts I've ever read. God forbid you never have to come into contact with any rape victims

RivanQueen · 05/12/2018 16:42

Mishappening seriously ShockAngry, so by your logic anyone who has been drugged or is unconscious can't be raped because you can't have sex with someone when they're like that??? Fuck me that has to be one of the most ignorant and scary comments I've ever seen on MN.

Flowers for you qwertyl, I hope you're feeling a bit better today, what you've been through is horrid.

chickenloverwoman · 05/12/2018 16:44

I've reported the goady, nasty post

chickenloverwoman · 05/12/2018 16:47

Thank you MNHQ, that was quick!

notapizzaeater · 05/12/2018 17:32

I'd speak to rape crisis, they won't judge but will listen to you.

Mishappening · 05/12/2018 18:01

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Itwasatuesday · 05/12/2018 18:59

Mishappening: 'i think', that's the point, you think, you have no knowledge or experience and you post was a definite (and unhelpful) statement. Yes, I think I would wake up to, my DH could be shaved and dipped in jelly and wouldn't wake up. One person's experience isn't another's, and OP is not the first to experience this so try and be a little kinder and softer when talking to someone who has experienced sexual assault.

thinkingcapon · 05/12/2018 19:19

Mishappening you must step away from this thread please, what you're saying is hurtful insensitive and alarmingly naive

seahorse85 · 05/12/2018 19:52

@Mishappening I take back what I said earlier about everyone being in agreement.

I don't think j you understand. What you're saying here is that asleep rape victims should just say "take a hike" and the rapist will stop.

Someone who's life has been destroyed by someone raping them when they're asleep will be distraught by you suggesting this. You see, it makes it seem as if they could have avoided it - and the inference here is that it then becomes their fault.

Do you understand? I doubt you meant to, but you have potentially caused an awful lot of anxiety and distress with your posts. Please think much more carefully before you post again.

chickenloverwoman · 05/12/2018 20:12

@Misshappening I have reported your post, again. Stop being such a goady nasty rape apologist person. What you are saying is total rubbish. have some compassion for the OP.

Original poster
qwertyl · 05/12/2018 21:38

Thankfully I didn't see the post from mishappening but thank you again ladies for the lovely support, it's been such a comfort to have you all the last couple of days regardless of opinion, I welcome them all. It just feels surreal still that it happened, I just can't explain half waking up, realising it was happening, freezing and then Adrenalin and anger kicking in - I keep wondering how far he would have gone, and it's really hard to just forget that.... we had a bit of a heated exchange last night and he slept in the spare room, I slept pretty well and felt comfortable... I think it has changed things between us, I know it's dramatic to some but last night I told him, I'd rather he'd gone and slept with someone else (consenting) to get his kicks as would have felt less disrespectful than what he did.... that's just how I feel - I know that's not everyone! Anyway, wanted to come on and thank you all, you've really been amazing StarStarThanks

OP posts:
Adora10 · 05/12/2018 21:52

Totally get it OP, the level of betrayal is massive as is the abused trust, not sure how you get that back but at least now you’re wise to what’s been happening, wishing you well, you’ve had a terrible experience 🤗

LizzieBennettDarcy · 05/12/2018 21:54

I'm glad you've found this thread helpful OP.

Frankly some posters should be ashamed of hijacking it in the way they have. This is your life, not a point scoring opportunity.

I'm glad you've had the strength to verbalise all of your feelings to your DH. Hopefully you can find a way forward that you are happy with Flowers

Sassandfaff1 · 06/12/2018 00:19

I get that qwertyl. I find it helpful or maybe eye opening is the right term, to think about what feeling/emotion you would have to feel towards your OH in order to check they were in a deep sleep in order to use their body in a s