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Original poster

DH touching me whilst asleep

428 replies

qwertyl · 03/12/2018 22:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now Envy

OP posts:
Original poster
qwertyl · 04/12/2018 20:16

Thank you all lovely ladies and sorry this has come to insults.... I will broach it, he knows we have to, I don't want to. I'm a lawyer, I know that legally I could argue my ground, I'm more upset that I'm a personal and emotional level this felt so wrong. That's my gut and I don't take it lightly in 15 -17 years of a sexual relationship.... he wasn't trying to rouse me to enjoy it too, that's my main concern. And I should feel safe in my house in my bed with my DH. He's ruined that....and he does know what he did was wrong - I think he's only sorry I finally found out

OP posts:
sparklesaremyfavourite · 04/12/2018 20:19

Poor OP.

Please... PLEASE can the debate stop? It's pretty simple. What was done to her is a crime - it is literally not down to perception! Go and research the law and consent, instead of making excuses for this man.

She is a victim of something horrible and grieving the idea of who her husband is, and needs support and nothing else...

She has to come back and read all of this when really all that matters is her. None of us.

Please, lets just all agree that we all care for her welfare and wish her well going forward.

Flowers for you qwertyl

Original poster
qwertyl · 04/12/2018 20:20

Well yesssass do I need to tell my 5 year old to make sure she tells her DH not to penetrate her while she sleeps in case he doesn't know that? I have three brothers, I hope to god they haven't ever done this to their wives.... will post in morning - I dread to think how he'll try to convince me this is ok....or my fault for having such a low sex drive im sure..! Wonder why?

OP posts:
sparklesaremyfavourite · 04/12/2018 20:21

Just saw your last post. I will be with you in spirit, as I'm sure many of us will. Flowers

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 20:21

qwertyl

You deserve so much more. I hope you realise that.

I'm so sorry that you gave gone through that because your husband has no respect for you.

I wish you all the best and I hope you see your true worth while dealing with this horrible situation.

sparklesaremyfavourite · 04/12/2018 20:23

qwertyl you are strong and inspirational. You know what's right and I'm sure you won't allow his bullshit. Gentle hugs.

picklemebaubles · 04/12/2018 20:23

Quertyl you are so strong. Awesome woman.

Zofloramummy · 04/12/2018 20:28

I posted last night, I’m sorry but I do think the discussion about consent should have been conducted away from a thread to support qwertyl.
One mans beer is another mans poison and all that. What some people have as accepted behaviour in their relationships is not what happened last night to qwertyl.

Wishing strength for your conversation last night. Stay strong and don’t let him try to gas light you.

Zofloramummy · 04/12/2018 20:33

Tonight not last night

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 20:34

We’re all with you OP you can see the majority here totally get it, the rest, well pay no attention 👍

Don’t you ever doubt your own judgement or put a man’s sexual needs before your right to consent, there literally is no other explanation other than what you yourself believe happened.

I’m actually appalled at what you’ve endured 😟

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 20:35

Quite qwertyl

I have a dad, a brother and a husband. I'm willing to bet my lovely house that they all understand that poking a woman to see if she's sleeping and then inserting fi gers while they beat one off is deplorable at best and sexual assault at worst. But then ....I don't think men are bumbling clueless idiots.

Shame on me for not getting that men are potential rapists until boundaries are explained to them.

Who knew?

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 20:45

I'm so sorry you're going through this Qwertyl. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now.

Have you thought about if he is doing this as you suspected previously, and if perhaps there's any reason why you sleep so deeply and if anything could be happening there?

Please take good care of yourself and your children, it's so worrying to think of him there with you and you feeling like your not safe at home. We're all with you in spirit.
What a vile man to make you feel like this.

Passmeagin · 04/12/2018 21:02

I left my dh for this exact reason. Went to bed he tried it on. I said no I'm tired and woke up with his fingers inside me.
This was however after I'd kicked him out twice (I know) for having sex with me when I was asleep. He'd done it countless times before but he (and his family and friends) kept minimising it. Apparently when I signed my marriage license I signed away my right to consent. Unconscious women cannot give consent. It's simple. He could've woken you up to see if you fancied a bit. Your body. Your boundaries

Wordthe · 04/12/2018 21:17

I think that sexually assaulting you while you're asleep it's very sinister and it feels very linked to necrophilia

Original poster
qwertyl · 04/12/2018 21:33

Well he's sorry.... it was a mistake, he doesn't know why he did it.... he's in the spare room, first time in all our time together.... unless illness or breast feeding - thank you ladies and gents for being my virtual support today. Tomorrow is another day - I don't want to think about it anymore, such a horrible feeling and NOT sexual or pleasurable for me at all - he did minimise and say it wouldn't have gone further.... why do it in the first place? It just feels such a sad situation, I really didn't think this was who he was ☹️ hugs to anyone in similar circumstances - ThanksThanks

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 04/12/2018 21:37

OP What did he say about the other times you suspected he had sex while you were unconscious?

Shepherdspieisminging · 04/12/2018 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zofloramummy · 04/12/2018 21:46

I’m sorry qwertyl. Try to sleep tonight. I presume you haven’t made any long term decisions yet.
Of course he would try to minimise it. He is trying to make it a non-issue that he can say sorry for and forget about.
How was his manner when you got home? Did he apologise or did you have to raise it as something you needed to discuss? He must have known surely that after you left he bedroom last night that there would be some kind of repercussions?

IDrinkAndISewThings · 04/12/2018 21:54

I'm glad you spoke to him, and I'm glad you can go to bed on your own tonight and feel halfway comfortable in your security. It's not up to anyone on here how you handle this situation - you know how it made you feel, you have an intelligent head on your shoulders, and can be trusted to make the right decision for yourself (I'm resisting say for you and your children because I think when it comes to our kids we will endure no end of personal hardship to try and protect their happiness). My only advice is to take as much time as you need on this one, do not feel you need to 'get over' this in line with anyone else's agenda. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you, so long as you make it yourself. Much hugs x

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 21:54

Point.....whoosh over head.

It always amuses me to turn someone's words back on them and watch them flounder around aggrieved.

Qwertyl

He hasn't explicitly said as such, but what he means is....he wouldn't have raped you.

So....in his mind, inserting fingers is an acceptable thing to do....as it doesn't quite equate to rape. You have a legal brain....I know you will see this.

He isn't the clueless idiot that the men apologists on this thread have given him credit for then...is he?

He KNOWS.

Didsomeonesaybunny · 04/12/2018 21:56

My ex used to wake me up frequently at 3am touching me sexually. I used to think it was because he loved me; wanted to be close to me but I think it was somewhat darker to be honest.

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 21:56

How far can I go, whilst still have the gaslightling and wiggle room of incredulous indignation of innocence?

IDrinkAndISewThings · 04/12/2018 21:58

Seriously now @Sassandfaff1 can you drop this now? This is isn't the time or place.

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 22:01

My last point was me pointing out the op's husband's thought process...in case that was missed.

I made 2 sentences towards others on this thread. The rest was in direct reference to the OP.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 22:06

Thank god you're a switched on lady who had no doubt what had gone on despite some of the shit you’ve had to read on here.

Take as long as you need to decide where you go from here and if that means ending your relationship then you’ve got the grounds for it, do what is best for you and nobody else 👍