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Original poster

DH touching me whilst asleep

428 replies

qwertyl · 03/12/2018 22:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now Envy

OP posts:
IToldYouIWasFreaky · 04/12/2018 18:32

The OP was asleep. The OP was unable to give consent to any act. The OP is clear that she did not consent.
This is not a grey area.

JosCally44 · 04/12/2018 18:38

But punching someone in the face is blatantly intended to cause pain whereas the 'act' we're talking about is surely intended to be pleasurable. Obviously not pleasurable to OP and therefore (one would hope) that if/when the husband is made aware, he will be horrified and never do it again. That is, if he's not a weirdo.

He may have (wrongly) assumed implied consent due to the nature of their relationship.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/12/2018 18:44

I'll be interested to hear how your DH justifies himself. I'm not surprised you're upset. I would be too.

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 18:45

You are moving the goal posts....and not very cleverly at that.

You stated 'it's perception'.

You deem being hit in the face as 'not pleasurable'.

Would that be YOUR perception?

Perhaps someone into S and M might like it?

What you really mean in a very narcissistic way to be honest....is YOU want to be able to define what is pleasurable.

You do know the world doesn't revolve around what YOU find acceptable?

And the law doesn't revolve around what YOU find acceptable.

Who are YOU?

sparklepops123 · 04/12/2018 18:59

Stay strong op 💐

JosCally44 · 04/12/2018 19:01

It doesn't revolve around what you think either Sass. You are being as aggressive as your mate Adora.

I think if you asked the majority of people in RL....what would you perceive as pleasurable?

a)being punched in the face
b)the 'act' described in the original post

you would get an overwhelming response of a.

However, the OP did not see it that way. She was upset and rightly so because she felt violated. She's got every right to feel that way and it's a horrible situation for her. Again, her perception and her truth.

I wasn't moving any goalposts.

Can't we all be nice though to be fair? Aren't we all on the same page in that we are trying to give support to the OP? Even by suggesting that her husband may not have meant her any harm, and that he was just being an idiot by not realising it would upset her, surely it is still showing her support. People are just coming at it from different angles that's all.

No one has suggested that sexual violence is acceptable. I certainly haven't.

JosCally44 · 04/12/2018 19:03

Ah major error.....I meant b obviously!!!

picklemebaubles · 04/12/2018 19:03

Oh Jos. There is no way waiting until your wife is asleep to shove your fingers into her can be considered nice.

picklemebaubles · 04/12/2018 19:05

No one has suggested that sexual violence is acceptable. I certainly haven't.
Jos, you said "he may not have meant her any harm". How does grabbing a place your wife hates to be touched, and sticking your fingers in her, both while you think she's asleep, how can that be ok?

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 19:07

You would perceive unwanted and un consented fingers in your vagina as 'pleasurable'?

Shock

Well. That's obviously your 'kink'

I'm pretty sure most women would not. Please don't project your kink on the rest of us. Thanks.

Figgygal · 04/12/2018 19:12

Sorry op this happened
I wouldn't have accepted that happening to me either I honestly wouldn't know what to say or do at this point other than asking him to get out of the house and give me space

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 19:13

The cognitive dissonance on this thread is almost astounding......except.......it really isn't.

I feel like shaking women. What some of them view as 'normal' or not meant as 'harmful.' No wonder some men are such pigs. It's open season.

They have all the world's wealth, run the top businesses, are the majority in governments and military and the judicial system and some how, they dont understand that putting 2 fingers inside a woman's vagina whilst they are asleep is a violation. The poor men. How do they stumble through life........

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 19:13

I’m mates with nobody on here Jos and I think I’ll get over anyone’s distaste at my posts 👍👌

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 19:16

Sass how do u think people like Donald Trump exist? It’s depressing I agree 😟

LizzieBennettDarcy · 04/12/2018 19:24

OP you really need to talk this through with your DH and I think my guide would be how he reacts to what you say. If he's genuinely shocked and upset at how you're feeling, I'd have some hope this wouldn't happen again. If he minimises it, and makes you out to be the one with a problem, I don't think I'd ever want to share a bed with him again. I wish you well Flowers

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2018 19:28

Jos I think you are confusing what implied consent means - you are seeing it as preexisting consent - you cannot pre consent (Legally) to a sexual act. There is no such thing as advanced consent (in legal terms)

Implied consent is when you give consent via actions rather than words or by inaction - but you would have to be awake to give it. So implied consent simply does not exist here. EVER in any case.

The other thing is as an act out of nowhere sticking fingers up my vagina is not going to be pleasurable. I would be surprised if anyone found it so (out of nowhere)

And seriously if people have read the entire thread how can we still be thinking that a man who gives his wife wine to make her sleep longer and then checks she is asleep (knowing she would have said no) is somehow an accidential idiot,

Interesting it is not legally subjective - the law would never allow it to be so. The definitions of assault are clear. Neither is the concept of consent subjective - you either do or you do not. Anything done without your consent is assault. Advanced consent does not legally exist either. Law cannot be so subjective so regardless of the intended consequences of an act the key is and always will be consent.

And consent is required each and every time (and implied consent is through actions)

busybarbara · 04/12/2018 19:47

No one should be putting their hands on your body without you offering or discussing it first in any circumstance! It doesn't matter if it's your DH or a total stranger, the law is the law.

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 20:01

*I think if you asked the majority of people in RL....what would you perceive as pleasurable?

a)being punched in the face
b)the 'act' described in the original post

you would get an overwhelming response of a.*

I'm sorry, but no.

If you asked if people found full sexual intercourse pleasurable you would get a yes, but being raped isn't.

And to the other poster, no, there is no implied consent as there is a relationship already established. Just no. We're going back to the days of there's no rape within a marriage.

Shepherdspieisminging · 04/12/2018 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 20:06

My kids are going to run rings around idiots.

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 20:08

The subservient attitude from some women is worrying. And I think they should read some educational books instead of watching towie or geordie shore or love island.

Shepherdspieisminging · 04/12/2018 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 20:13

Dear daughters.

Do not let your husbands insert fingers into your vagina while you are sleeping, witjout your consent. Do not let other weak women tell you it is normal, and that men aren't sure if it is allowed and you need to teach them that it isn't because men are dumb and unless you teach them otherwise....your body is there's to do as they please.

Yours sincerely

Mum.

seahorse85 · 04/12/2018 20:15

My kids are going to run rings around idiots.

Face palm 🤦‍♀️

Sassandfaff1 · 04/12/2018 20:16

Wow. You sure think men are incapable.

Your low opinion of men in the real world is troubling....I hope you don't have a son. I wouldn't want him realising his mum thinks males are all potential rapists until a women educates him.