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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Spousal maintenance

55 replies

MickyCr · 03/12/2018 09:42

Can anyone he,p me

I retired 18 months ago and after months of loving messages and telling the world (and social media) how much she was looking forward to the rest of our lives together, my wife suddenly lef. It transpires she was having an affair with a “friend” of ours who was also cheating on his partner.

We have 3 kids ages 25, 22 and 15. The two boys are with me and I have the youngest who never stays with his mum.

We had a fair amount of cash and we have agreed to split the assets 50/50, about £650k each and I am staying in the family home which is part of my share. She has a new house.

I am retired and not working. She has no child care responsibilities but is still choosing not to work. We are negotiating on the pension share and spousal maintenance.

I have offered a pension split that will give her £32k when she is 60 in 9 years time. It is CPI index linked so is more likely to be £38k or more by the time it comes. I will retain a pension of just over £50k. I am not working, partly as I am retired but also due to child care (15 year old is struggling) and also due to some stress issues. My only income is my pension

We have offered £300 per month transitional spousal maintenance for 5 years which would be capitalised into a lump sum. There are no reasons why she cannot work and she is well qualified with a strong cv.

She has come back via her solicitor wanting a far larger share of my pension (which will be my only income in years to come) and £150k maintenance

She is in a relationship with the same individual who is very wealthy but also canny and they will avoid any formal cohabiting and certainly not marriage.

Am I being unreasonable?

£150k over 9 years (the time leading up to her pension) is £17k per year. It seems wildly excessive and I do not have the money to pay such a lump.

As you’ll see reading this, I didn’t want any of this to happen.

My two boys have really struggled since she left just over a year ago

Advice anyone........

OP posts:
RCohle · 03/12/2018 14:53

I think you need better legal advice to be honest. It sounds like you're being taken to the cleaners and this will affect your standard of living for the rest of your life.

Original poster
MickyCr · 03/12/2018 15:19

Thanks everyone

She wants more of the pension which reduces my income immediately and she gets nothing for 9 years. At the same time she wants the large SM and seems not to understand that the destruction of my pension (immediately) means I have no additional spare income to fund any SM claim.

It seems logical to me - protect the pension, take a lump and get the benefit now rather than in a decades time when she’ll be taxed in it as income (she’ll be in a pension of between £32 and £40k a year). Destroy the pension, see no benefit and then get no SM as I’ll not even have enough to cover my monthly costs.

Maybe I’ve been to generous but that was how it always was and I never questioned what she spent, where she went or who she was with.

Onto the solicitor later today

OP posts:
swingofthings · 03/12/2018 15:24

Of course she'll pay the 'I have up my career to accommodate him and his ascension, why should I now be penalised. If I hadn't been a SAHM, he would have to help with childcare and therefore couldn't have been so successful. It was a fully mutual agreement that suited him'.

You therefore need to be able to show that no it wasn't your decision and that although you went with it, it was to support her in her choice not to work. You need to show that despite her lack of working for many years, she has skilled that she could use and earn an OK income and more importantly, you need to show that we're you to still be together, all you'd get is your pension, not a big income any longer assuming your pension is good but not as good as what you used to earn.

It really will depend on the judge, their view on spousal maintenance and how convinced he is that she deserves it as compensation but frankly, I'd start at zero since you don't work any longer and are sharing your pension anyway whilst she is still in a position to work.

Wherearemymarbles · 03/12/2018 16:52

Basically she is used to getting what she wants.

I’d play hard ball and string her along for as long as possible. The courts are not as automatically generous as they used to be, especially as she is not the resident parent. I bet she wants a quick divorce as she wants to get her claws into her new man before he goes back to his ex or finds someone else.

I suspect you have pandered to her whims all your married life...

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 03/12/2018 17:05

I have a legal background OP.
My advice would be to play extremely hardball. Make her an aggressive, insultingly low offer and stand by it for a while. Say you also want child maintenance. She sounds like the kind who would be susceptible to some bluff.
She will then probably meet you somewhere reasonable.
As for solicitor, unless you pay for a good one, they wont really fight your corner. You need a rotweiller on your side here to seriously put the wind up her. Sadly, this is the only way you will get anything like a reasonable settlement.

Original poster
MickyCr · 03/12/2018 17:06

She's come back and suggests £100k SM - over 5 years this is £1650 per month

My solicitor suggests going up to £50k for the 5 year offer. Still seems a lot of money but can hopefully get us to a conclusion and allows me some protection of my pension which will give me some longer term security

I think the SM bit is a farce. In Scotland apparently its capped at 3 years which is deemed long enough for transition to financial independence. We seem years behind

I know what will happen here - once the SM and PSO and divorce is secure she'll get married to the lovely new man. Hey Ho!

Never used this site before. I've actually learnt a lot and maybe should have gone on it at the start.

Thanks everyone

(once bitten.....!)

OP posts:
Original poster
MickyCr · 03/12/2018 17:07

and Wherearemymarbles

You've got it right

More than one affair

Never had to work and been trusted to do whatever she wanted without question

Sad

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/12/2018 17:18

My solicitor suggests going up to £50k for the 5 year offer
No no no and no!
Who is your solicitor?
You need a better one!
Do not budge.
She can get to fuck.
She can get a job.
She can pay you when she does!
Jeezzzz.... some women really do take the biscuit.
Is your solicitor male?
Tell her £20K over 5 years.
Job done!

FogCutter · 03/12/2018 17:27

Agree that you need a new solicitor.

theworldistoosmall · 03/12/2018 17:41

Get another solicitor.
This one is taking you to the cleaners on your exes behalf.
Your solicitor is supposed to get you the best deal. Not a deal that works for the ex.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 03/12/2018 18:08

OP I second the calls for a new solicitor.

chickenloverwoman · 03/12/2018 18:45

And me! And normally I'd be erring slightly on the side of the woman involved, but if this is a fair and true accounting of events on the OP's part, it's just plain wrong. OP she can get out to work and earn some money and pay YOU maintainance for the children she had with you. Not demand money to not work and not look after her own children!

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/12/2018 18:55

Another one here, who's been through an awful divorce. If she is entitled to spousal, no more than 6 months. I'm nearly 50 with a 7 year old...there is no reason why she can't get a job at 51. Everybody "loses" in divorce, everybody's lifestyle has to change. I know mine has, but you adapt and get on. You really really need a better solicitor. Your offer is far far too generous. Good luck OP...also you sound well rid. I hope you find somebody lovely in future Flowers

Wherearemymarbles · 03/12/2018 19:01

Get a new solicitor, one who will fight your corner. £50 k is farcical as well as hows how spineless he/she is.

Go back repeating your last minus child maintenance

FleeceDetective · 03/12/2018 19:08

She doesn’t need 5 years to regain financial independence, she has no childcare to keep her busy. I’d be looking more at 6/12months as your end point.

Changedname3456 · 03/12/2018 22:14

Your solicitor is crap.

mooncuplanding · 03/12/2018 22:30

Stop being a mug.

I know the ins and outs of 2 high wealth SM cases in the last year, both with similar characters involved as your wife. Honestly, they will be banking on you not going to court because they will be VERY unlikely to give her anything in these circumstances. You have to go hardball. Make her think you are prepared to go to court because her solicitors will be furiously advising her that her likelihood of a judge agreeing to SM is diminishing by the day.

SuperSuperSuper · 03/12/2018 22:45

I don't think that judges are keen on lazy feckers these days OP - she probably won't get what she wants in court. You can and should be more robust. Find a tougher solicitor and let him/her at it.

lifebegins50 · 03/12/2018 22:58

Has the house split been given before all financials agreed?
If she has bought a place for 650k and is now "overhoused" then I doubt a judge will look favourably on her. She could have bought a cheaper place and used the rest as income until retirement.

If she had your child living with her then I think it would be a different story as her work would be restricted and he is in critical school years.
In the absence of health issues she is unlikely to get long term SM.

Retiredoldcop · 03/12/2018 23:18

She’s bought a house for £440k cash - no mortgage

The 15 year old never stays with her and we have agreed that I will take up all the costs. I deal with all the schooling aspects which have not been easy since she left

She will have £200 - £270k left depending on the SM aspect.

My solicitor seems to think that a SM claim is inevitable even thought I’m not working and am now receiving my pension - which will be substantially reduced with the PSO.

How long is reasonable for her to get onto her feet and get employment? I think she wants a full 9 year deal until the pension kicks in for her but I can’t see this is reasonable as she can work and has no commitments stopping her.

I thought independence - leaving the marriage - also meant financial independence or at least some honest attempts to transition towards it.

blackcat86 · 03/12/2018 23:40

Get a new lawyer OP. Why are you offering anything in spousal maintenance when you're shouldering all the financial and practical childcare responsibilities. Although you're retired this restricts your income and your ability to earn if you needed to. Stop paying her bills. You're letting her have her cake and eat it at your expense.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 03/12/2018 23:46

How likely is it that she can get a job? Does she have any professional qualifications?

VanGoghsDog · 03/12/2018 23:55

She can draw the pension in four years anyway, age 55.

PersonalM0Tee · 04/12/2018 09:06

I can see no reason why your ex cannot get a job to support herself ! Starting from now

AskMeHow · 04/12/2018 12:35

You need to start thinking of your kids and their long term future. It's pretty obvious they won't get a penny off your ex for University, buying a house so you are all they have in that regard.

Stop being nice and giving away money to someone who isn't entitled to it. You bought a big house for a woman who had no kids living with her. Well, she can sell the house, buy a 1 bed and live off the not inconsiderable remainder can't she instead of expecting you to fund her.

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