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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He slept on the sofa because I wouldn’t give him head...

94 replies

bexxboo · 03/12/2018 07:41

So, exactly as the title states. We had a lovely evening. Watched a programme had a roast dinner and as soon as LO went down with her bottle, he asked me for head. I have a bit of a chest infection, I’m on my period. I was tired, I didn’t feel like it. I spent all day putting up the decorations, made dinner, cleaned, hoovered, did everything right. But I ended up sleeping on my own because I wouldn’t put out. He went on about it most of the evening, which in itself makes me not want to do it....

IS THIS NORMAL?

OP posts:

Bumbelinadance · 03/12/2018 19:12

Oh he has heard the expression “ bad as each other “ from somebody trying to justify his behaviour
My ex mother in law used to say this when my ex abused me
2 subsequent abused partners and a suspended sentence for assault since me and I wonder if she has spotted the common denominator ...??? Probably not

No you do not have to suck anybody’s penis when you are sick and knackered
This is when they are meant to hug you and make lemsip

Have you made demands to sit on his face when he has Tonsilittus?

OnlineAlienator · 03/12/2018 19:32

A GROWN MAN SPAT at the woman he supposedly loves? Aw hell to the no!

L.T.B

BobTheDuvet · 03/12/2018 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Larios101 · 03/12/2018 20:52

@bexxboo I could have written your exact post. DH is exactly the same. He tries to guilt trip me by saying I don’t love him, accuses me of cheating on him if I don’t want sex all the time, will storm off and sleep downstairs or sulk.

TheBookThief · 03/12/2018 20:54

LTB

CottonTailRabbit · 03/12/2018 21:03

Normal would be never driving him anywhere ever again after the spitting incident (actually all the back seat driving should have had him banned from your car already).

Can you even imagine refusing to drive him anywhere ever again?

Or are you so beaten into submission you dare not refuse him?

twominfromthebeach · 03/12/2018 21:03

Spitting is a truly vile and hateful act. It shows how little he loves and respects you. No grown, mature adult should ever do such a thing, especially to one they profess to love.

Get rid, for your own wellbeing and safety, and that of DC too.

HoppingPavlova · 03/12/2018 21:29

None of what you describe is normal and you don’t want your kids growing up thinking it is normal so you are not doing them any favours by staying.

If you have a son it’s the way they will grow up to treat women having lived it as their normal and if you have a girl it is what they will put up with as an adult because it was their normal. This is not good.

Wordthe · 03/12/2018 21:35

He's abusive
you need to make a plan to get away from him

halfwitpicker · 03/12/2018 21:36

No. He can get to fuck

halfwitpicker · 03/12/2018 21:37

He also makes fun of me if we are doing something simple like shopping, if I accidentally nudge someone, he will apologies to that person on my behalf and then tell me off so that person can hear.

Yikes. The door is that way 👉

Wordthe · 03/12/2018 21:40

If you stay with him he will slowly grind you down over the years
you don't want that!

littlemeitslyn · 03/12/2018 21:41

They wished they hadn't asked me as my jaws were damaged after wisdom teeth and they lock😁🥳🥳🥳

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 03/12/2018 21:54

Oh sweetie, I hope all this reaction isn't going to scare you away.

I know the spitting is awful, but all that behaviour calculated to destroy your self-esteem - I've experienced similar and I feel myself shrinking inward just reading it.

You can't imagine how lovely it feels to drive on your own and know you don't have to see him that day - or ever share a car ride, house, anything ever again.

I'd got so defeated by it all going on so long, that I remember being stunned by a dad at the school gates saying a friendly hello to me. I expected to be invisible or to be pitied, by men, anyway.

You say you get lonely, but do you not think it's lonely living like this? I lost a huge amount of social contact when I walked out. Survived on small chats with my DC's friends' parents really. But there were so many things to love about being free, I thought for about four years that I would never get involved with somebody again.

Maybe you could just think about what it would be like to walk away. You don't need to take it further than that, just have a little daydream.

SandyY2K · 03/12/2018 21:55

The problem is when you start with such a person (who spits at you etc), they deem it as acceptable to you... you've shown him it's not a dealbreaker.

People treat you how you let them in life.

This may sound harsh... but you have a choice. You don't live with him. You can end the relationship and coparent with him.

Would he truly want any man to treat his DD the way he treats you?

Next time he makes a remark about your driving... tell him he can talk when he gets a license... or he should STFU.

Thomlin · 03/12/2018 22:06

This is why I’ve posted, I don’t know if it’s normal because it’s all I’ve known for 3 years. When I do post something and get a reaction such as this. I feel almost guilty, like I’ve made it up.

This totally resonates with me Op, I posted (under a different name) and soooo many people told me I was being abused and to LTB. But I had never really written it all down until then and I didn't feel like I was the victim of abuse. Yeah I knew he was a total shit but there was lots of good moments in there too, and I was sure if I could fix him then we'd be happy.

I just wanted to say I did leave when my baby was 5 months old. I had to go back to work without his support and it was a horrendous year. But that baby is now 4 and I have truly never been better. Looking back now, without the everyday "good moments" I can see very clearly how he wore me down, he made me nervous and always on edge. I'm not even the same person anymore and I can't tell you how good it feels to be on your own. You will meet someone else, when you are ready, who will treat you and your daughter with the love and respect you deserve. Please get out and start living x

Borelis · 03/12/2018 22:10

Yuk awful man he is :/

cees · 03/12/2018 22:20

He sounds vile. Your daughter will look for the same qualities in her future relationships because this is her template. Find it in yourself to finish with him or your beautiful little girl will think getting spat at and dominated is her only future. He is awful, you and your girl deserve better.

Gazelda · 03/12/2018 22:25

What do you think you want to do OP?

I imagine you're feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment. Perhaps you feel it is easier to put up with the way he treats you. It's better to stay with him for the sake of your daughter.

But please remember you have choices. No one on MN is pressuring you to do anything. Take your time. But realise you are being abused. And you don't have to put up with it.

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