He slept on the sofa because I wouldn’t give him head...

[bexxboo]

So, exactly as the title states. We had a lovely evening. Watched a programme had a roast dinner and as soon as LO went down with her bottle, he asked me for head. I have a bit of a chest infection, I’m on my period. I was tired, I didn’t feel like it. I spent all day putting up the decorations, made dinner, cleaned, hoovered, did everything right. But I ended up sleeping on my own because I wouldn’t put out. He went on about it most of the evening, which in itself makes me not want to do it....

IS THIS NORMAL?

Why are you with someone so immature?! Is he 18?!

God no, that's not normal..

Not normal. I just firmly say no. Though my boyfriend never seriously asks me unless we're already getting sexual. He jokes about it sometimes in normal life though- then again so do I.

I know how you feel OP- I suffer from chronic fatigue and depression so I'm rarely up for more than the 'normal' sex we have. (Which is great and I enjoy it) but adding more pressure to please on is stressful.

OP, what you wrote about "doing everything right" is very telling. This is not love.

thats pretty offputting. How the hell would you give head with a chest infection anyway. You wouldnt be able to breathe. Tell him to grow up and stop sulking

It would be the first and last time.

I understand asking. I can even understand disappointment when the answer is no, although disappointment does need to come with acceptance.

But storming out and sleeping on the couch? Erm no. I’d be telling him to get the hell out by the end of today and that would be that.

I understand asking. I can even understand disappointment when the answer is no I think that would be the beginning of the end for me. Certainly discuss likes/dislikes but asking, no. Enjoy when offered but otherwise leave it. If it's not offered and given freely then I'd not want it.

I'm guessing this isn't the only problem in your relationship, by the words 'did everything right'...

Yes, that’s the bit that leapt out to me also. I think there are much bigger problems than the one the OP is describing.

I'd have been sleeping on the sofa for most of the last 18 years if I'd stormed off every time I'd been turned down for oral.

When he tries to confuse you, and make you feel like you're going mad, especially when he said he couldn't sleep and that's why he slept on the sofa.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I distinctly remember him storming out of the bedroom last night

This is gaslighting, another typical trait of an abusive personality.

I said well you slept on the sofa. He said it was because he couldn’t sleep

To be fair maybe he needed to have a wXXk and then fell asleep after. Better down there than next to you.

It’s happened a few times but not for a long time. He doesn’t deal well with the word ‘no’ never has. He will go on & on until you eventually agree or give in (I mean with anything) he’s getting better but I find him exhausting. We can have an argument which comes to blows, I’ll get upset & take a time out. He’s sorry, but then explains how we are both as bad as each other & reminds me of how difficult I can be. If he offers me a takeaway or buys food to cook, I’m reminded for at least a week after of the price & the fact he bought me food. Always point scoring ‘remember I did this for you?’

He doesn’t understand why I find motherhood exhausting, she’s an easy baby so why am I so tired? He asks. All I do is stay at home & spend time with her, so I shouldn’t be tired or depressed.

I get nervous if I have to drive anywhere with him in the car, which makes me not want to go out or spend the day with him. He apologies to other road users on my behalf, indicates for me, and tells me how to drive. I’m the one with the drivers licence, i hate driving my car now. About 6 months ago he spat at me while I was driving. I pulled over but he refused to get out of the car. He loves arguing with me when I’m driving & it really puts me off.

You never know when he won’t like something or disagree with you, so it’s better not to take the risk of going out for the day. He’s okay around people, it’s just when we are alone.

He also makes fun of me if we are doing something simple like shopping, if I accidentally nudge someone, he will apologies to that person on my behalf and then tell me off so that person can hear.

Why am I still in this relationship?
Because he’s the father of my child, I have no family close by, about one friend, and I get so lonely. He helps a lot with our daughter when he stays. (I refuse to live full time with him)
If I’m busy in the other room and he needs my help with something i feel like I’m expected to drop whatever I’m doing to attend to his needs. He’s constantly calling out for me, like a child for its mother.

What do you mean... You did everything right!???
This is a huge red flag from where I am.
What was he doing all day?
Was he helping you with the cooking, hoovering, cleaning, putting decs up etc....????

I think there's a lot more to this and I think you know this has pushed you slightly over the edge!

He had our daughter that day. So I took the time to do my decorations, when I say ‘I did everything right’ I just meant I did everything to my standard, im a perfectionist. I wanted to make it beautiful for when they arrived back.

Dear God, OP, your update is horrific! Your shit of a partner is a violent abuser.
Please get help to ditch this relationship- speak to Women’s Aid, they’ll support you through this.
You need to dump this vile man before he destroys your self esteem any further or isolates you from whatever friends and social life you have left.
Have a great big hug and my prayers that you are soon rid of him and living a happy confident life, either alone or with a decent loving partner who cares about YOUR needs and wellbeing.

Op, I'm shocked by what you've written.

If I were you, I'd be extremely worried about your little girl growing up thinking that this sort of behaviour towards women is acceptable.

My only advice is to get rid now!

This is why I’ve posted, I don’t know if it’s normal because it’s all I’ve known for 3 years. When I do post something and get a reaction such as this. I feel almost guilty, like I’ve made it up.

He sounds like an absolute prick.

Make plans to get rid lovely, he’s abusive and will not change.

No, none of that is normal! That's a lot of abusive behaviour.

OP I think you know in your heart what you need to do- for your daughter's sake as well as yours. It's good that you don't live together so you have your own space. You will develop and grow as a person without him and your confidence will return. If he is keeping you from making friends, that will return once you have finished it with him. A woman with a strong group of friends can conquer the world. You don't need him.

I am just going to chime in here too, and join other posters in saying no, this is NOT normal. He is abusive, no sugar coating it here.

He is abusive.

For your sake and that of your child you need to get out. I dread to think the damage it's caused you already, let alone further down the line. And good grief, your poor child.

You know in your heart that it’s not normal to spit at people you claim to love. And you know it’s downright dangerous to do it when you’re the driver. Was that the turning point, after which things just got a little bit by little bit worse?

He crossed a huge line when he spat at you and in the end, you didn’t stand up to him.

I’m guessing he’s been crossing a lot of lines since.

What’s the next line he’s going to try to cross?

Jesus love, please leave him.
Is there no charities or originations near to you that you can contact for help? He sounds like an awful awful person. For the sake of your child and yourself you need to get away.

His is immature, selfish, ill mannered in the extreme and lacks self control.

He's your baby's father but it sounds to me as though you have two babies.

There are far better and more considerate men out there. You don't have to settle.

Oh OP, as others have said your update is truly awful behaviour by him. You shouldn't have to put up with any of it. You deserve to be free and happy. Yes call Women's Aid and speak to them.