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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He slept on the sofa because I wouldn’t give him head...

94 replies

bexxboo · 03/12/2018 07:41

So, exactly as the title states. We had a lovely evening. Watched a programme had a roast dinner and as soon as LO went down with her bottle, he asked me for head. I have a bit of a chest infection, I’m on my period. I was tired, I didn’t feel like it. I spent all day putting up the decorations, made dinner, cleaned, hoovered, did everything right. But I ended up sleeping on my own because I wouldn’t put out. He went on about it most of the evening, which in itself makes me not want to do it....

IS THIS NORMAL?

OP posts:
unique1986 · 03/12/2018 14:24

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Lozzerbmc · 03/12/2018 15:13

This is NOT normal behaviour and he is controlling and abusive. You dont live ith him? I’d advise ending relationship before more children and you get trapped. This is not how a relationship should be at all. You deserve better so does your daughter

RivanQueen · 03/12/2018 15:18

OP he is abusive and you don't need to put up with that kind of treatment from anyone. There is a pinned thread at the top of the relationships page on MN 'Right, listen up everybody - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody
You should read that, what it says it absolutely true.
Also google emotional abuse and you will see very quickly that this is what he is doing to you. You posted before that your arguments "come to blows" so maybe he has already crossed over into physical abuse as well?
Call Women's Aid or a Domestic Violence support group in your area. They will help you get away from this horrendous excuse of a man and find yourself again. Your life (and your DD's life) can be so much better than this.
Please get yourself and your DD away from this monster, I'm sure you don't want your DD growing up believing that this is the way relationships should be. She will end up in the same situation if you don't show her that this behaviour isn't tolerated.

lilstar · 03/12/2018 15:29

My heart goes out to you. I felt so uneasy reading your post because this, like others have said, is abusive behaviour. I managed to leave an abusive relationship at the start of this year and it was controlling behaviour such as this that featured regularly...it just gets worse too. Read a book called "living with the dominator" you might recognise some of the behaviours described in it and it will help you recognise what is normal and what is not. Often abusers as so good at it that we don't realise it's happening until it gets so bad.

BMW6 · 03/12/2018 16:08

I am totally horrified OP.

Get your child and you as far away from this violent abusive BASTARD as quickly as possible.

Better to be alone than with this piece of shit.

MadeForThis · 03/12/2018 16:20

He spat at you while you were driving. Wanker

CryingMessFFS · 03/12/2018 16:26

OP you are in an abusive relationship. He spat at you while you were driving? He’s vile. You deserve better. You don’t deserved to be assaulted while driving or sexually abused because he can’t take no for an answer. Please leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/12/2018 16:51

Wow - this is abuse - full on, awful abuse.
If you've written about him before on here then I'm sure Womens Aid have already been mentioned to you.
Call them as soon as you can.
0808 2000 247
He is vile and your poor DD will grow up a victim like you and choose a man just her father. That is her normal right now.
If you don't want this future for your DD then you need to get away.
And fast!!!!

busybarbara · 03/12/2018 17:07

This man sounds like a grade A "c" word, but one thing I noticed here..

Certainly discuss likes/dislikes but asking, no. Enjoy when offered but otherwise leave it. If it's not offered and given freely then I'd not want it.

Are you saying that in a sexual relationship you shouldn't ever request anything? That only if something is initiated or offered by the other person, it's OK?

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 17:54

explains how we are both as bad as each other
You're not a nasty abuser, OP. Don't listen to him.

mimibunz · 03/12/2018 17:57

He’s disgusting and you deserve better!

HotSauceCommittee · 03/12/2018 17:59

Please get rid, OP; he spat at you. He sounds horrible and abusive and you’d be setting a terrible example for your daughter as to what a healthy, loving relationship should be.
Thank your lucky stars you don’t live with him and change the locks

NotUmbongoUnchained · 03/12/2018 18:03

Certainly discuss likes/dislikes but asking, no. Enjoy when offered but otherwise leave it. If it's not offered and given freely then I'd not want it.

Bullshit. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for what you like in the bedroom. It’s attitudes like that that mean there are still women who just lay there and are treated like a blow up doll because they’re taught not to speak up for what they like and enjoy.

OP you need to step up now and protect your child. It’s hard, I had to do the same with my ex, but you can’t look at that little girl you love and have her grow up thinking that is how she will be treated by men. Because that is what will happen.

RaiderOfTheKitchenCupboard · 03/12/2018 18:05

He sounds awful OP, I really hope you find the strength to leave him far behind. You and your daughter deserve so much better.

Vitalogy · 03/12/2018 18:07

Are you saying that in a sexual relationship you shouldn't ever request anything? If you've already discussed likes/dislikes and they've listened/ are a decent partner, then no, I don't think "Will you suck my dick for me now" would be necessary.

ImNotKitten · 03/12/2018 18:07

You need to leave him. You are modelling to your daughter how she should accept being treated by men and other people. If you can’t leave him for your own sake please do it for hers. You both deserve better.

category12 · 03/12/2018 18:09

He spat at you? That can actually be classed as an assault.

Honestly, he's vile to you and you deserve better. Get rid of him.

Vitalogy · 03/12/2018 18:13

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for what you like in the bedroom Exactly, that would come under discussing likes/dislikes. Not see above

BeyondVicious · 03/12/2018 18:17

There is an large difference between "mmm I'd love it if you xyz..." and "oi love, giz a blow job"...

NotANotMan · 03/12/2018 18:21

He's HIGHLY abusive. Please get help to leave now while your baby is young enough not to be too badly damaged by growing up with this.

billiby · 03/12/2018 18:35

You say that your arguments can come to blows, then he says that you're as bad as each other. This is terrible OP, you may both become physical, but you're probably the one who will end up hurt.

You need to be away from each other, for you and your DC sake.

SheHasNotions · 03/12/2018 18:35

He SPAT at you?!

What a disgusting thing to do to ANYONE, let alone your partner and mother of your child.

He sounds like a horrible man. You deserve to feel safe and to be respected by the person who ‘loves’ you. This isn’t love.

KlutzyDraconequus · 03/12/2018 18:44

There's so many guys out there that are single, that would never dream of doing to you what this douche is doing to you Op.

He's coercive, abusive and downright unpleasant. Dump the dick head, change the locks, tell him to get to fuck.

You, and every other woman in the world, can do better and deserve better than someone like this moron.

category12 · 03/12/2018 18:47

If there is violence on both sides, it's all the more reason to split up. Absolutely toxic for your dc to grow up with. Don't let any emotional blackmail about "being as bad as each other" keep you there - someone has to do the right thing, which is to end it.

Jaffacakebeast · 03/12/2018 18:56

He spat at you! That’s horrific, alone without any of the other stuff it would be the end for me. Disgusting behaviour

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