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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Always left out

60 replies

justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 19:02

I'm a creative freelancer. Have worked at one company on and off in the region of three years. Since the spring, I've routinely worked one or two days a week but haven't been able to work for the last month as my Mum has been in and out of hospital. It's been a really tough time. A few weeks ago I got added to a Whatsapp Group for the Christmas night out in about ten days time. It looked like the date had already been agreed between everyone. Replied that I would love to come but couldn't make it as I already had something arranged (genuine). Out of 9 people on the group no one responded and the conversation carried on about where they should go, look at this menu, blah, blah, blah. After a few days, I ended up exiting the group as it was clear that no one could give a stuff.

DH said that I shouldn't expect to be included as I am not there every day but the really sad thing is that this happens to me a lot. At the company where I worked when we got married I was responsible for organising cards and presents for Birthdays, new babies, staff leaving. When we got married I received absolutely nothing, not even a card. To add insult to injury, the day after I came home from honeymoon my boss asked me to organise flowers for someone who had just had a baby.

Is it me? I wouldn't dream of leaving people out but I've thought for quite a while that people just don't like me/can't be bothered with me. If that's the case, does anyone have sensible advice for coping with stuff like this?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 02/12/2018 19:22

I'm sorry. I wouldn't leave anyone out either, but this year I've had a lot of things on my shoulders, tough times, and I've felt completely let down and forgotten about by a lot of people. It's hurtful. I don't know what to say, advice wise, I'm wondering myself. I'm trying to just plod on and not put myself out anymore for other people.

Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 19:30

Thanks Honeyroar. Sorry to hear you've had a hard year.

DH keeps saying 'out of sight - out of mind'. There aren't that many of us and it makes me wonder if I really am that unmemorable. Part of me thinks I shouldn't expect to be invited/not bother with them at all. Feel very sad as I always get everyone/get comments that I am a 'lovely lady' but always end up being sodding left out!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 20:48

Anyone? Sad

OP posts:
Grobag369 · 02/12/2018 20:58

It’s easy to feel it is something about oneself causing these things but actually people are just caught up in themselves and not thinking

Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 21:01

So I should just feel grateful if I get a few crumbs?

OP posts:
Bernina · 02/12/2018 21:05

Did you want them to rearrange the night to suit you? It probably took the other 9 people ages to find a date that suited everyone in the first place.

Veganfortheanimals · 02/12/2018 21:09

I think you can't ( or I wouldn't) expect 9 people to change their night out to suit you..however look at other times this has happened? Is there a pattern?.

Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 21:11

No, I guess I was sort of hoping that someone might have messaged me to find out which nights I was free in the planning stage but they didn't so when I said I couldn't make it, it would have been nice if someone had responded and not ignored me.

OP posts:
Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 21:15

Yes, there is a pattern. I have no idea why. I get on with everyone (or at least I think I do). However, when it comes to something significant (like getting married) no one can even be bothered to buy me a card. In fact, I worked half a day and no one even wished me well except the guy I sat opposite.

Clearly, I am an unmemorable and/or unlikeable person although I am often told I am a 'lovely lady'.

Would just like some tips on how to either resolve this and/or deal with it as I have very down all day about it.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 02/12/2018 21:54

No you wouldn't expect them to rearrange, but you'd kind of expect them to say "oh that's a shame" or "I'm sorry but I think it will be a nightmare to find another day", or something.

Are the others all full time? Perhaps they don't properly think of you as an employee? Although it's strange they added you to the group at all, if they then ignored you.

Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 22:12

One person is full time. The rest work either five short days or two/three days per week. They are all permanent. I'm the only one who is freelance. Behind the full timer, I've worked there the longest so it's not as if they are all long standing member of staff.

One thing that has just occurred to me..... The boss very much has my back and has consistently messaged me to ask how I am/my Mum is. Asked me several times if I was going/could change my plans. Two of the girls I work with said a few weeks ago that they had decided that I was 'the favourite'. Not sure that I agree with that but I guess it's possible that they organised it and he told them to add me into the whatsapp group (hence the reason no responded). Sad

OP posts:
TwoOpenOneClosed · 02/12/2018 22:16

I hear you! I've been volunteering for the past 6 months 4 days a week to gain experience following a lengthy career break and suddenly finding myself in a position where I need to get a job. I'm feeling fairly low and lack confidence anyway but I feel invisible there most of the time because they never include me on nights out or if they go anywhere. Ironically I probably wouldn't be able go anyway but it would be nice to asked once in a while!

Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 22:17

Sounds like a playground when I read it back.... Confused

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Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 22:19

Four days a week for six months?! How rubbish is that? Perhaps we should organise our own night out, TwoOpen?! Smile

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 02/12/2018 22:22

How about you organise a night out for you and your colleagues. Maybe if you give them another chance and instigate the conversation then a suitable date can be agreed? I'm sure they wouldn't have added you if they didn't want you there, they've just gone with the majority and when is convenient to them.

TatianaLarina · 02/12/2018 22:24

They’re just busy. You’re being over sensitive.

I can’t believe you expected a card for your wedding. I’d only do that for someone whose wedding I was going to - with the present.

You sound like one of those people who isn’t very sociable and misreads social situations.

Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 22:27

Yes, I could and I did think about doing that before the disaster with my Mum (as nothing had been organised). Trouble is, now I am doubting myself.

This has been a bit of a theme for me and I'm wondering if it's something I'm doing that really puts people off. Will crawl back under my stone if that's the case!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 02/12/2018 22:30

You’re not doing anything that puts people off, other than being a bit paranoid. You’re just misreading social cues.

Work aren’t going to rearrange the outing for you when they’ve agreed a date the others can do and you haven’t been around much. If you say you can’t go that’s fine, but why are you expecting a fanfare?

Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 22:30

Erm... well, the company in question sent Birthday cards to members of staff, cards and flowers for new babies, cards and presents for people leaving. I know because I organised them! The day after I came back from honeymoon my boss asked me to organise flowers for one of the blokes who had just had a baby.

Yes, maybe I am just being sensitive.

OP posts:
TwoOpenOneClosed · 02/12/2018 22:31

That would be good justallittlebitsad! I'm trying to do what everyone advises on here to do if you're lonely and feel invisible go out and volunteer it hasn't helped me though! I never seem to be able to make friends, I'm always on periphery never in with the gang or invited to anything.

Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 22:33

I'm not expecting a fanfare. I'm asking people how you deal with this type of stuff as I clearly have a problem and obviously cannot read social cues.

OP posts:
TwoOpenOneClosed · 02/12/2018 22:34

I don't think you're being sensitive, you feel invisible even though you think about all your other colleagues and make sure you treat them no one ever offers the same back!

TatianaLarina · 02/12/2018 22:34

A baby - sure. A leaving card - sure. But a card for a wedding??

It’s literally never occurred to me in my life to buy a card for someone’s wedding I wasn’t going to. And I’ve never worked anywhere where people were given wedding cards.

Babygrey7 · 02/12/2018 22:34

I am working in an office, free-lance, since Feb and work with the team there.

They did not invite me to the Christmas party

I think that is about my work status (free-lance vs employed).

As it is a small office, only 12 people, and everyone keeps talking about the menu, what to wear etc I feel a bit left out.

But like I say, I don't think they don't like me, it's just a work status thing.

I love being free-lance, as I can work the hours I like Grin and, really, who cares about work christmas do's, they are not exactly the social highlight of the year, are they Wink

Don't sweat it OP, it's not you, it's them

Original poster
justalittlebitsad · 02/12/2018 22:34

Yes, I feel exactly the same TwoOpenOneClosed. Would like to try and get it sorted but the only advice you get on here is that you're being too sensitive!

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