Always left out

[justalittlebitsad]

I'm a creative freelancer. Have worked at one company on and off in the region of three years. Since the spring, I've routinely worked one or two days a week but haven't been able to work for the last month as my Mum has been in and out of hospital. It's been a really tough time. A few weeks ago I got added to a Whatsapp Group for the Christmas night out in about ten days time. It looked like the date had already been agreed between everyone. Replied that I would love to come but couldn't make it as I already had something arranged (genuine). Out of 9 people on the group no one responded and the conversation carried on about where they should go, look at this menu, blah, blah, blah. After a few days, I ended up exiting the group as it was clear that no one could give a stuff.

DH said that I shouldn't expect to be included as I am not there every day but the really sad thing is that this happens to me a lot. At the company where I worked when we got married I was responsible for organising cards and presents for Birthdays, new babies, staff leaving. When we got married I received absolutely nothing, not even a card. To add insult to injury, the day after I came home from honeymoon my boss asked me to organise flowers for someone who had just had a baby.

Is it me? I wouldn't dream of leaving people out but I've thought for quite a while that people just don't like me/can't be bothered with me. If that's the case, does anyone have sensible advice for coping with stuff like this?

I'm not sure what the answer is though! If you find it let me know

I used to spend my life disappointed
In other people's lack of efforts. I really learned who cared after a big back injury. Even my best friend in the world didn't come and see me. It left me utterly lonely and bereft, feeling like I must really be unloveable (my marriage also broke up at the same time). It was a horrible stage and even now I get a bit low thinking about it. So, I opted out of anything social that led me to have specific expectations. I binned friends that didn't show they cared rather than just said they did. I stopped expecting anything, and more importantly I learned to love myself a bit more. I'm more alone than ever but happier than at any other point in my adult life because I'm not being left
Out all the time. I hope you can find a similar resolution to your emotions about this.

We either have to suck it up or be more assertive probably? I don't know I wish I knew

I think I need to lower my expectations and focus my efforts on the decent people around me.

The wedding thing did grate. I got married quite late and can never recall someone in the office not even getting a card when they got married. Even DH got a card and a present and he works with a load of blokes!

It's odd to me that you - the only freelancer - is taking care of all of the wifework in the office. Don't do that anymore. The office wifeworker is often the most favorite of the manager because it takes work of the manager they usually hate doing - cards, gifts, flower ordering. Plus, the manager's favorite is often resented by the other employees and then you get excluded from functions.

And it always seems, if it's the wifeworker's time to be acknowledged, no one steps in to do it.

So, maybe it's not you personally at this particular office - just the role you have assumed.

Also, I agree with the PP that if you are doing all of the giving and no one reciprocates, you have to stop giving.

The fact no one responded to your statement you couldn't make it to the event, is telling. That's just rude. It doesn't sound like you have a genuine connection with these people.

Did you invite all your colleagues to your wedding or why were you expecting a card?

No, the office wifework was in a previous job not this one.

I don't actually do lots of giving in this role but I have stepped up/done extra hours to help them out. It is what I tend to do but as it doesn't appear to be appreciated I won't bother and will just do what suits me.

Yes, I think it's dawned on me that I don't have a connection with them. Time to move on I think.

Is the work night out being paid for by the company? I could see a contractor being left out, or forgotten in that circumstance, including remembering your wedding.

Also, sometimes the perception is freelancers are paid more than employee salaries, and/or ‘not entitked’ to inclusion in staff outings.

Not nice to be left out, of course, but your employment status might make people see you as not core team (doesn’t explain why boss would ask you to do the office-wife jobs, though).

I often have this issue. I'm never the person that people make sure they include. In my last role they would arrange to go for lunch and not even ask me, when I was right there. I don't have any answers but yes I'd be hurt.

Just to re-iterate, I did the permanent full-time wifework job when I got married.

Current job is part-time ad hoc freelance with no wifework.

Night out was organised by a couple of members of staff. The boss (who ended up paying) kept asking if I could go/could change my plans so I could go. As I said previously, I've worked for him on and off longer than anyone on the payroll.

I'm sure it does feel isolating but I'm not sure its personal OP. Its hard to agree dates and I'm not sure that I'd expect 9 people to re-arrange for one.

I'm always rather perplexed by the office thing about birthday, wedding and babies cards and gifts. I think its nice for it to be acknowledged in some way but I wouldn't be insulted in the slightest if I didn't receive anything. Maybe it just matters more to you than others - thats why you like organising it all for others.

A thicker skin may indeed be the way to go - its probably not personal at all and doesn't mean anything. I'm sure other people get left out and just don't notice. We will always get left out, not invited or forgotten at some points in life, just don't take it personally. People who get prickly or over sensitive about this stuff are not that attractive to others and can seem a bit needy.

I think it would have been nicer if they'd have replied and said it was a shame you couldn't make it but in my experience with my workplace WhatsApp group those groups are fast moving and it is easy to miss posts.

No, I didn't expect them to reorganise the date.

I didn't like organising the cards and presents either! It was my job and the company paid for it all. I didn't have to go around the office with a begging bowl.

Have spoken to two of them since the night out and asked them how they got on, did they have a great time, etc? I might be prickly, oversensitive and needy on here but I certainly won't make my feelings known to my work colleagues.

Sometimes you have to let people know you are being left out.

I know what you mean about the WhatsApp group, you probably just wanted someone to say along the lines of. That’s a shame sorry you can’t make it. Rather than the radio silence.

I don’t think you can do anything about the current situation but the bit where your boss asked you to send flowers I probably would have replied.
I will send her the same type of flowers I got for my wedding a couple of weeks ago.

I too have done the flowers and presents and card stuff. I even organised a surprise birthday party. It is not appreciated and people just claim the credit.

Sometimes you have to let people know you are being left out.

How do you do that though? Other people on this thread are saying how offputting it is when people are sensitive and needy. Over the years I've found it's easier to pretend to be oblivious to things than it is to pull people up. Doesn't hurt any less but if people really are pulling your socks then you're not giving them the satisfaction of knowing you are upset.

I think it is later when people ask you to organise flowers, cards, presents etc when nothing was done for you.

I'm not sure you sound suited to freelance work if you want to be involved in everything. I do contract work and one of the reasons I like it is not having to go to social events or pretend people I work with are my best friend's for life!

Freelancers are not always considered to be part of the team. It's nice if they're included, but it doesn't always happen.

I've also been working freelance in an office on and off 2 days week for the last 3 years. I finished last week. No one noticed! No thanks and goodbye. They make a fuss every time a short term intern leaves, so it did leave me feeling a bit sad. However, the reason I've chosen to do freelance consultancy work is partly because I couldn't stand organisational politics and petty crap that goes with it, so I can't really let myself feel petty! Just a good reminder of why it's better to have that bit more freedom. It's sad people don't value freelancers more OP. If you feel it so strongly then maybe think about getting a permanent job. But in the meantime don't take it personally- I really think it's about the job status and antiquated attitudes. Them not you!

Yes, I think it's dawned on me that I don't have a connection with them. Time to move on I think.

Or make a connection with them?

You know, I can understand exactly how you feel, as I've experienced similar for a long time too.

I'm what people always call 'lovely' too, to the point, even when I've just had tickets to something, the people sitting near always end up talking to me, kissing me goodbye and saying how lovely I am.

But after doing so much for some people, like my oldest friend, making sure I had a lovely thoughtful gift for her wedding and baby arrival, got a basket of baby and mummy goodies delivered to her home when she came back. I had a bad back and needed an op.
I was really worried about it and said I'd be laid up for three weeks. I was at a hobby where I used to help out. Anyway, I had the op and she, nor anyone even so much as texted me to ask if I'd got through it OK. I could have died and they wouldn't have even known (I'm not on SM).
The woman who ran the hobby (it's too outing to say) I used to help a lot, run the thing for her when she wanted to go out, and this was her business. Nothing from her either.
Not until the owner wanted to go out and wanted me to come back and run it. Then I get a text from my friend saying she had asked her to ask me if I was OK to come back. I knew then we wasn't really friends at all.

Then I was at another group. It was a group created around crafting hobbies. I used to get on well with the women, do a lot for them, made them things I could make through the craft whenever they asked for gifts for their kids.
Then I was threatened by the woman who ran the place we met up in. It was actually pretty bad from her. People from the group just stood and watched.
I obviously couldn't go there again, but it was kept as the place and I was left out. People didn't even text to see if I was OK and I was dropped.
This experience didn't hurt, some of the people were not very nice, and I was annoyed at myself for being too accommodating and making so many things just because they wanted them when clearly it meant nothing to them at all and they were just using me for my talent and lack of saying no.

To a lot of people lovely means accommodating and a pushover, and people do take it for granted.
Those who do nothing but then suddenly remember always get thanked more and it's always appreciated.

I had to move on and develop a thicker skin and decide I would only do things for myself to make me happy, not other people all the time. There's no happiness in trying to please other people but never yourself, people will take and take and take from you and leave you with nothing for yourself.

Take a step back from it all. Ask someone else to arrange the flowers if it isn't a part of your job.

I don't expect anything from anybody that's the best way to cope with disappointment.
If I get anything that's great but as a rule I know that people have busy lives.
I concentrate my attention to very few people. I fuss over them and I get that in return.
My husband and our son get most of my attention.
Try not to feel like it's something wrong with you. Clearly you are very thoughtful and kind.
Focus on your husband and close friends.

That's just it. I thought I had a connection with them but I clearly don't. I am friendly, easy going, ask how they are, laugh and joke, etc. but then don't get invited. Can't quite see what the rest of them are doing that is anything different to me. I possibly did 'try too hard' when I was younger but I don't think that's the case now.

No, I don't really like being left out but neither do I like all the politics that come with being permanent. Perhaps neither are right and I need to start working for myself! I have been thinking about it for a little while.

bethy15 I'm really sorry to hear you've had a hard time. How rubbish. You do find out who your real friends are when something serious happens. One of my friends who is older and very wise told me that you should never do anything for free. You need to charge something even if it is a small amount for people to value it/you/your time. I also do work on the side for friends and family and always charge pretty much full price. I don't earn an awful lot and, much as I love my job, don't particularly want to work for free.

I am pretty good at only agreeing to things that work for me. I'm quietly assertive and don't let people walk all over me. Perhaps I am too independent/together/get on with the boss too well that I don't fit in with the rest of the team. The boss is a bit of a slavedriver and every now again causes team meltdown (think emotional women crying) and I've ended up as the go between a couple of times in terms of telling him when he is out of order (quite often!) and explaining to them why he does what he does (have known him quite a while and understand his motivation). I'm a bit of a diplomat in terms of keeping the peace and perhaps because I'm not there all the time it grates a bit. The default setting for the team when there is a problem with the boss is to get emotional and I am very different from them all in that respect (years of difficult bosses so I do have the hide a rhino from that perspective).

Have been with consumed with my Mum for the last few weeks and have already thought I need to concentrate on me and DH now. I do have some lovely friends and freelance for three other companies (one of which has a really amazing and supportive team) so not everything in my life is doom and gloom!

That's fine, I actually prefer it when something like that happens, then you at least know. I hate people being fake, so I'd rather people be upfront and honest.

Sounds as if other companies value you a lot more. These people don't seem worth your concern at all.

It's a learning curve, isn't it?

I do try to pay attention when something isn't working and either modify my behaviour or drop it altogether. Trying to make sense of this one hence the reason I posted this thread. Maybe I am just not cut out for freelance work. Maybe the group thing doesn't work for me either and I should just accept that I need to be a lone wolf in these situations.