Left husband, DV, struggling with it all.

[Elliebellybum]

I left my DH last week after a build up of EA which ended up with me getting a black eye in front of my screaming children.

I had him arrested and was promised it was good for a charge/bail conditions etc.

Long story short, no charges, no bail conditions, he was allowed to return home and I felt I had no choice but to leave with the children (in fact this was the advice of the police)
He had got someone round to barricade the doors so I had to break in with the kids in tow to actually get any stuff out.

He took me straight off the insurance for the family car (it’s in his name) and the police removed the keys for it. So with no vehicle my sister got us.

Been staying at my sisters since. Trying to get a rental is impossible, I have money and can pay, but because I’m a SAHM no one will rent to me, I have Guarantors for the rent but no one will.

So currently we are at my sisters and I’ve had to register homeless. Council won’t help as I am not exercising my marital property rights, beyond them saying when there is space in a refuge we can have it.

DH being an arse as I knew he would be. House still barricaded against me, so can’t get in, says we can have the car/money as long as we come home.

Doesn’t say he won’t help with car/money if we don’t but so far I still don’t have a car or any money from him. He is basically trying to financially starve me until I come back.

Has offered to do counselling which is at least something.

I’m really fighting myself not to go home. This is so hard.

I’ve let the kids down, I’ve taken them from a nice cosy house, to sofa surfing miles away from home with hardly any stuff.

I could have them back home by lunchtime if I do what he wants.

It’s proving 100% more difficult than I ever imagined, I’ve just been cut loose by all the agencies that assured me they would help. I thought at the time I did the right thing, but now I wish I’d never called the police and just said to everyone something else happened.

I’m debating an occupation order, which I think I could probably get as currently he could stay at his mums, but we don’t actually have a proper place to go and our youngest child is three!

I just want to go home. I’m a tearful wreck because it’s like a whole heap of shit has just descended on me. The kids are being brave and telling me it doesn’t matter that I can’t get us a place to live, but of course it matters.

Everywhere I look I see more and more of a mess.

He just won’t leave, I’ve asked and asked but he says he has nowhere to go, when I point out the same could be said for the three children he just says “but you can come home”

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to dig myself out of this mess I’ve created.

I meant to add, in between declarations of love to me, he tried to get another woman to go out with him for a drink!

I’ve only been gone a week!!

I just want to go home. I’m so tired and fucked off with it.

I was the victim yet somehow I’m homeless, the kids are homeless, I’m using my savings to finance us, I’ve got no car.

I could just go home couldn’t I? Just say it was just something that got out of hand and just go home.

It’s what the whole situation is gearing up to.

Only hope is an Occupation order, but he will be so, so angry and he can be very cruel and unkind when he’s angry and I’m a bit scared to do that

I have no advice but I can send you an internet hug. You absolutely did the right thing, don't for a second think you didn't.

Get some legal advice from a family lawyer asap. Ask them to assess you for legal aid, take full details of your income & bank statements to the appointment.
Apply to court for a non molestation order & an occupation order - you can apply yourself without a solicitor if you are not eligible for legal aid.
Get some advice & support from a local domestic abuse support organisation.

No ! You have done the right thing ! Now you need to find the right people to help you. Have you tried women’s aid ? Or tried calling your local women’s refuge? They will have access to the right people, you need people who know what they are doing.

People who are trained in dealing with dv, you need to contact the police again and speak to the dv team and keep hassling them to help you. This is the worst time, I know it, I uprooted my child and it was awful but in the long run I’m better for it.

But how did I? The kids would have got over it. I would have got over it and he would have been remorseful and normal for ages.

I know I sound weak, I think he’s worn me down but I’ve spent a week crying and being turned down for every possible rental property in our area!

How am I even being a good parent??

I currently have an IDVA because my sister was trying to get me some help.
She said it’s ridiculous that I am homeless while he sits in a 4 bed house and that we should try for an occupation order, however I was advised elsewhere that if he contests it (he will) it could take up to four months to be sorted!

He gave you a black eye in front of the kids, it’s not a good environment for them to be in. He’s toxic, you are being a good parent removing them from his control

You have absolutely NOT let your kids down, he has. You have done the best thing for them that you ever could, which is remove them from a dangerous situation and show them that EA and physical abuse is wrong and will not be tolerated. Please don’t go back. If you’re with your sister, you’re safe. Please call Womens Aid for advice, they will help you, and an occupation order is potentially a very good idea.

If you go back, you will be even more vulnerable as he will think he has all the cards. Don’t do it.
Your situation is horrible now, but keep going as long as you possibly can, maybe try an airbnb or something for a bit, and make sure you talk to a lawyer, initial session is usually free, I would think.
You have been assaulted so you will feel weak and scared but with time you can overcome that and find a way forward.

Well 4 months to wait for your own house, is still getting your own house at the end of the day. Perhaps the refuge can help with accommodation?

So sorry this is happening to you. The children will thank you for it. If you take them back to that environment they WON’T ‘get over it’... I didn’t, it happened to me as a child

Don't go back OP.

Complain about the police. Try your local DV team and ask them for help. At the very least they should provide someone to accompany you to get your stuff out.

Go to a solicitor and apply legal aid. I think you may get it because of the abuse.

I would wait until you have seena solicitor before you start applying for private rented property.

Good luck, it's bloody hard but you will be free of him eventually.

I haven’t read through all the other replies but hang in there and:

1. Call women’s aid
2. Speak to 2-3 solicitors. Women’s aid might give you local number. Lots give free 30 minutes initial advice.
3. Don’t go back. If he knows he can give you a black eye in front of the kids with no consequences, what will it be next time?

I’ve had to book a holiday let for next week. We are hours away from the kids school, so they were off last week. It’s costing a fortune.

I have been offered a chance to stay in a house that has sat empty for ages, just as a caretaker until it’s demolished in a year.

It’s ok, but it’s obviously a favour and I’m worried that because it’s not a “rental” we are going to end up with it catching on fire, but it’s very cheap while I try to sort something out.

But what kind of mum am I?? I can’t stay here because of school so the best I can offer is some dilapidated house due to be bulldozed at some point? That’s the fucking best I can do for my children??

Please don’t go home. Your kids would rather feel safe, and not see their mother beaten than have their toys and things. I promise.

Please call a domestic abuse charity and complain about the police as another poster said. Put in the occupation order, four months will pass quickly. I know it’s hard to find the strength, but if you can just get through these first few months things will get so much brighter

Your a mum who put her children first.
Your a mum who refused to let her children live i a violent home.
Your a mum who, although it would have been easier to stay, took your children to safety.
Your a mum who, despite how hard this is for you, is still only considering her children and how they feel.

You’re*

My DC witnessed the emotional and eventually physical abuse my XH (their father) put us through. They didn't really understand at the time but now they're teenagers, they are so grateful that I got us away from him! Hang in there, don't go back!!

ellie you have done the right thing.i know that you can’t see a way to a better future right now but you just have to take each day at a time.the advice you have been given by pp is great.you have not taken your children from a cozy home,you have removed them from an abusive environment.sending hugs.fwiw I left an EA home and am staying with relatives as can’t afford to live anywhere else (still paying towards mortgage as house is jointly owned).i am a few months down the line from you but despite my living arrangements the dc and I are much happier.sending hugs

My BIl, SIL and nephews ended up living in similar circumstances in the middle of my eldest nephew’s GCSEs.

A pipe burst in their house whilst they were on holiday and when they returned they opened their front door and watched as all their mail floated away down a brand new river!

They had insurance so it should have been easy to rent somewhere. But because it was only supposed to be 4 weeks, then 6 weeks, then 2 months, then 3 months, then 4 months and finally the best part of 6 months(!) nobody would rent to them.

If I remember right the real low point was the caravan (in February!) and the high point was the Air BnB where they got to stay in one place for over a month! In between there was other Air BnBs, a short term rental, a couple of hotels (single room with two teenagers!) and staying with family,

But they survived.

Eldest nephew still did great in his exams.

Youngest nephew looks back on it as “the best adventure ever”!

You seriously can't go back. He will really escalate the violence. That's what you should be afraid of for you and the children. That's not an option. I know it is hard now but it's worth it and you have no choice if you want to survive. It won't kill the children to do without school for a few weeks.

Could your sister rent for you?

Could you get a job?

You urgently need an advocate which should be a social worker.

My mum stayed with my emotionally abusive dad because she prefered the money and the house. Us kids had to put up, especially me as I got the brunt of his drunken rants about how horrible a person I was (I was 6), with it all, for years before she moved out. It was a MASSIVE RELIEF. I didn't care we were sofa-surfing. I didn't care about where we lived, as long as it wasn't in that horrible (naice, big, 4 bed) house, in that fancy street, with my dad. I loved him, but hated living anywhere he was.

You are a GREAT MUM. You are AMAZING. You are doing the absolutely best by your children by the simple fact you have taken them out of that toxic environment. You are NOT letting them down - they will NOT see it like that.Keep going - you are doing amazingly x

I witnessed a very similar DV event as a young child. It has stayed with me for the rest of my life. You never forget watching your Mum get hit. One incident and we left. We sofa-surfed whilst everything got sorted, like you, and all I remember is that bit being fun! Weird. He will do it again. You’ve done completely the right thing.