Left husband, DV, struggling with it all.

[Elliebellybum]

I left my DH last week after a build up of EA which ended up with me getting a black eye in front of my screaming children.

I had him arrested and was promised it was good for a charge/bail conditions etc.

Long story short, no charges, no bail conditions, he was allowed to return home and I felt I had no choice but to leave with the children (in fact this was the advice of the police)
He had got someone round to barricade the doors so I had to break in with the kids in tow to actually get any stuff out.

He took me straight off the insurance for the family car (it’s in his name) and the police removed the keys for it. So with no vehicle my sister got us.

Been staying at my sisters since. Trying to get a rental is impossible, I have money and can pay, but because I’m a SAHM no one will rent to me, I have Guarantors for the rent but no one will.

So currently we are at my sisters and I’ve had to register homeless. Council won’t help as I am not exercising my marital property rights, beyond them saying when there is space in a refuge we can have it.

DH being an arse as I knew he would be. House still barricaded against me, so can’t get in, says we can have the car/money as long as we come home.

Doesn’t say he won’t help with car/money if we don’t but so far I still don’t have a car or any money from him. He is basically trying to financially starve me until I come back.

Has offered to do counselling which is at least something.

I’m really fighting myself not to go home. This is so hard.

I’ve let the kids down, I’ve taken them from a nice cosy house, to sofa surfing miles away from home with hardly any stuff.

I could have them back home by lunchtime if I do what he wants.

It’s proving 100% more difficult than I ever imagined, I’ve just been cut loose by all the agencies that assured me they would help. I thought at the time I did the right thing, but now I wish I’d never called the police and just said to everyone something else happened.

I’m debating an occupation order, which I think I could probably get as currently he could stay at his mums, but we don’t actually have a proper place to go and our youngest child is three!

I just want to go home. I’m a tearful wreck because it’s like a whole heap of shit has just descended on me. The kids are being brave and telling me it doesn’t matter that I can’t get us a place to live, but of course it matters.

Everywhere I look I see more and more of a mess.

He just won’t leave, I’ve asked and asked but he says he has nowhere to go, when I point out the same could be said for the three children he just says “but you can come home”

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to dig myself out of this mess I’ve created.

You have done the right thing, returning now will make the dv 1000% worse for you as he won’t trust anything you say.

Things will work out for you. On a plus note you have accomodation sorted for next week hassle the council again and contact Womens aid.

You’ve done the right thing. Do not go back and don’t think for one second him saying he’d go to counselling is a “win”. It’s just more manipulation.

You need advice about housing, CAB, womens aid, shelter they can all help you with this. Moving into refuge if there is a place for you wouldn’t be a bad idea. You’d get support and have somewhere safe and concrete to go housing wise. Please consider this.

You have done the right thing - but also you are right leaving is just the start.

Get legal advice and start the occupation order - you can do it but it will take time

The council can’t get us into a refuge, we tried last week, nor can my IDVA.

I think I’m going to have to do holiday let for a week, dilapidated house after that and try for an Occupation order.

I have always looked after the kids pretty much 100% alone, but I’m struggling to get done what I need to.

We need to move to the holiday place tomorrow, then again a week later, I need to buy a car as I’m borrowing one, I need to buy white goods for the dilipidated house, I need to find/see a solicitor and there is Xmas in the middle of it all.

He meantime says I can have everything I want if I return.

He isn’t going to give us a thing if I don’t, I’ve asked repeatedly to use a car and have money for the children but he’s ignoring those bits

Your children will never forget that moment. Believe me. And they will never forget what you did to protect them and show them this isn't OK.

Why are the council not helping - you are considered homeless (you left the martial home fue to violence and abuse. Is it because you are in a new area?

My dad beat my mum up when I was ten. Forty two years on I still remember it 😢

The refuge situation changes day by day.

All the practical stuff is unimportant to your kids. They won't care if they live in a dilapidated house for a while. But I echo what others say - you never forget your mum suffering violence at the hands of your dad. Never.

You have to show them that that's not a part of normal life.

They say I have a marital home and should be exercising my marital rights over it.

Which if he won’t leave I can’t do!

I’m homeless in my own borough, we are going back there tomorrow because we can’t stay with my relatives much longer

You are a fucking fantastic mum. You are thinking clearly and you have priorities sorted. Your children and everyone else that really matter will see that and will see what a cunt he is being. Ride it out, it's the right thing. I'm sorry it's shit, but that's all on him.

Definitely push the council hard. Go and see Shelter if you can, they are fab and up to date with current legislation and will know your own council policies.

Is he working tomorrow? Phone your local DV place and ask for an escort to recover your possessions and a car if you have two. Also find all your documents, passports, birth certificates etc. Bank statements as well. Is the account in joint names? Because if so you can access those, it's equally your money. Clear the lot out. Leave him enough for fuel for work.

If you don't have bank cards go into the branch with ID and either transfer it to a sole account or draw it out cash.

My mam left my stepdad after years of abuse. I am the oldest out of 6, I was 17, youngest was 6. We stayed with my auntie in a 2 up, 2 down terrace for 5 months. 3 adults and 8 kids. It was hard for my mum but the younger ones loved it.

Start kicking up a major fuss with the authorities. You have rights and they have responsibilities to provide a safe place to stay. You do not have to exercise your martial rights to the house unless they can make him leave. It's not safe for you or the dcs.

I knew this day was coming so I had all our paperwork ready, I have it all with me.

No joint accounts.

One car is in husbands name and one in company name, he has taken me off the insurance and the police took the keys from the one he owns (they say he pays for it he can remove access to it from me)

I have been in once and got lots of stuff. The police advised an escort, so I booked one, then they phoned and said they didn’t feel it was required and to go with a third party and ring if any problems.

I can get in at the moment through a bit he hasn’t secured, I just need to get in and get the beds really.

The National Centre for Domestic Violence will help with the non molestation order for free, regardless of your finances. They may also help with the occupation order. Call them tomorrow. Women’s Aid is often suggested on here but I found NCDV much more practical help. Stay strong OP, your kids are saying it’s fine, they aren’t pushing to go home and that’s telling. This is the worst most stressful time but when you get through it you will be free of his abuse and your life will be transformed. One day at a time, one step at a time. Four months feels like forever now but it’s weighed against yours and your kids whole future.

No helpful advice other than u sound like an amazing mum. We had dv in the house when I was a kid and I wish my mum had left with us but she thought she was doing the right thing keeping us all over her and just putting up with the crap. I just really hope u get the help and support u and ur kids deserve. The lack of support is horrendous, and people wonder why women don't leave these abusive relationships! Really hope u get through this. U deserve peace and happiness for u and ur kids.

Well done. You've done the hard part and left.
Apply for an occupation order on Monday, if it takes 4 months, you'll have your housing sorted by Spring at the latest.
If you have to have temporary accommodation until then, its only temporary.
He isn't going to give you anything you want if you go home. He isn't going to move out. He isn't going to stop the abuse. He isn't going to keep you safe. He isn't going to keep the kids safe. Those are what you want. What he will do is be on his best behaviour until you are settled and then he'll escalate the violence.
Perhaps you should run a Claire's law or Sarah's law check on him.
Please don't go back . Keep your kids and yourself safe.

You have done so, so well. Please don't go back.

I'm another adult child of domestic violence and I can't help but resent my mum even now because she didn't remove me from the situation. She didn't want to leave the council house so we stayed and I had to witness all sorts. It has affected my health in adulthood, even things like suffering psoriasis. High levels of cortisol caused by stress in childhood can cause debilitating health conditions.

You are a great mum, and sofa surfing for a little while isn't so bad in the scheme of things. You'll get the occupation order! He's trying to make you give in so he can carry on abusing you.

Another here who grew up in DV situation. My mum kept taking him back for financial reasons and the violence escalated, inevitably to us. Myself and my siblings are very damaged and resentful as a result. By the time he properly left when I was a teenager (emptied the entire house and took cars) we were so relieved, but so much of what we experienced could have been avoided had my mum been as strong as you.

The important part is you have left. Stay strong for the kids.
You can get stuff from websites like Freecycle and charities. You will be fine. The kids will be fine. If you go back you are putting yourself at an enormous risk. The kids would rather sleep on blow up beds than have a mum who is a punch bag, or worse.
You are teaching your children valuable life lessons by showing them that behaviour is wrong.

I think you are amazing. Fuck him and his house. That's all he's got. Your kids won't respect him once they're older and see what a POS he is.

I understand this is really hard and demoralising OP but people try to see this temporary struggle as in investment in your children's future mental health.

You need legal advice and then a plan. Keep on at the council and even branch out your area if it will help. Yes it may mean a change of schools but it will help you get back on your feet.

Or start the legal route to get back in that house

*please

This bit is the very, very hardest bit OP. If you can battle through the next few weeks, you’ll be over the hump. Well done for leaving. You’re stronger than you think.

I never comment as I am more of a luker but please believe me when I say that I know what you're going through.

My ex did the same to me in front of our kids, I didn't leave and it got worse, so much worse. The kids have nightmares about what happened.

I went to social services who initially agreed that it was violent on his part and tried to force me out of the house we owned to go to a refuge. I managed to rent because I went for benefits so it may be worth looking into that. As soon as I left I was abandoned by all agencies and made out to be unreasonable by them.

In terms of demanding he had supervision as he had never had the kids on his own.

I later got made homeless as my benefits stopped due to me owning a house.

Contact your local mp, because they can write a letter on your behalf demanding that you have the right to benefits and housing.

Please whatever you do, dont go back because it will get worse much worse. I have so much guilt that I didn't leave when he blacked my eye in front of the kids, they saw so much. And it will affect them for the rest of their lives.

Pm me if you need any details of who to talk to. If I can help then I will x

Have you checked what benefits you’re entitled to?

Please give shelter a call, they are fantastic and know the laws and legislations in cases like this.

The police are disgusting. A young mother died at the hands of her husband near me recently, he killed her while there two year old was watching Peppa Pig upstairs. The enquiry found that the police had failed on numerous occasions to keep her safe, they do not always get it right and you are entitled to complain.

I think I’m just struggling with all that’s happened. A week ago I had a husband, house, car and I knew what life held.

Now I don’t have any of those things.
It’s really scary because I do want to go back, but I know it’s probably not right to do so, for the kids if nothing else and friends etc have helped to move us and find us a place to live, so the pressure is on not to let people down who helped.

We have a joint tax credits claim, which I will have to change eventually, he’s the one did the hours, I only earn a few k a year from my self employment, but as I have 3 kids I believe won’t get changed onto UC yet anyway

The website entitledto.gov is really good for working out what benefits you could get.

I know it’s hard, every part of you will be wanting to sweep this under then carpet and put it down to a mistake. It’s normal to want to go back to what you had, but he changed that not you. Remember what you said in your opening post, your children were screaming, he gave you a black eye in front of them. You can’t go back, happiness doesn’t lie that way.

Have you spoken to your GP? There’s no harm in asking for some help to process what’s happened.

Keep going OP, I’m in awe of you. You’ve got this and your kids are so lucky to have a mum like you.

None of this is your fault, you haven't made the dc homeless he has. Remember that. You have removed them from an abusive life and are giving them a very strong message that it is not acceptable for anyone to treat someone that way. They'll thank you for this later in life.

Go and see a solicitor and see what your options are. Good luck.