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Original poster

Can't face fucking Christams

60 replies

rejectedandworthless · 02/12/2018 00:39

This is so fucking painful.

DP of 18 years left a week ago.We have 2 DC (9&15) and I simply cannot face the thought of christmas without him.
I am faced with the choice of it just being me and the DC's and trying to put on a brave face or the DC's having a ' big Family xmas' with the STBX inlaws ( I think the DC's would personally choose the later)

I couldn't even get my head together enough to buy advent calenders - i just want the pain to go away.

The look of irritation (at me) on his face when I dropped the DC's at his cut like a knief as I know he doesnt love me anymore ( ?or even if he ever did)

There is a back story and the relationship hadn't been good for a long time - one of us had to finish it (for the DC's sake) But I still loved him enough to be willing to try (have suggested counciling etc )unfortunately he obviously doesnt feel the same way .

I have gone from being the 'strong one' to being the weak pathetic one begging and pleading for him to try again !

I have no other family and not really any friends so no IRL support - I know I have to keep going for the DC;s sake but it so bloody hard....

OP posts:
Original poster
rejectedandworthless · 02/12/2018 00:44

Just re read and noticed the bad spelling - obviously not of 'sound mind' at the moment !

OP posts:
Helmlover · 02/12/2018 00:55

I’m so sorry to hear this- I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. The only advice I can give is be kind to yourself and to your kids, as they must be hurting too.

I had a major family bereavement a few years back and I tried to get through Christmas in ‘stages’ (as weird as that sounds), but it really helped. For example, try and enjoy your kids opening their presents in the morning, then focus on sitting down and enjoying a nice dinner together (don’t feel pressurised to cook anything lavish if you’re not up to it, just buy some nice snacks). After food sit down and watch a film and some Xmas tv, have a nice bath and then the day is pretty much over.

People put so much pressure on themselves to make Xmas the perfect day, but in reality it is just another day.

Give yourself time to heal and make Christmas a day for you and your kids, and maybe after Christmas visit your Gp to enquire about some counselling? There is help out there to help you through this...

and you WILL get through this Flowers

puddled2 · 02/12/2018 01:02

Advent calendars at 9 & 15 really ..

oiiiiiii · 02/12/2018 01:08

Op. I second the motion of cutting the season into stages and taking the path of least resistance wherever you can. Def no cooking, buy in as much as you can.

My first Xmas after separation was spent pretending three separation hadn't happened, big family gatherings, I was the slave as usual..agony. I so get you. I basically put on the performance of my life. I don't regret it but I can't recommend it iyswim.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know how dreadful it is.

@puddled2 go fuck yourself you absolute twazzock.

Nanalisa60 · 02/12/2018 01:10

I’m so sorry so you!, there is no good time for a husband to leave but six weeks before Christmas is probably the worst time!! No wonder you are in such pain!, I think as hard as it is that maybe you should just put on a brave face for the sake of your kids and let them spend Christmas with him and his family!! Why don’t you have them On Christmas Day till noon then tell him to pick them up for the rest of the day and night. I’m sure you are hurting so much at this point nothing that anyone will say will make the pain go away only time can do that. But believe me this time next year you will not want him back in a lucky bag !! just be brave get through this Christmas eat lots of chocolate cry as much as you want and next year will be better.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 01:20

Is there anywhere you / you and your children could volunteer on Christmas? Where I live there are a number of dinners put on for isolated elderly people in church halls and whatnot.

I certainly would not send them to the inlaws and be on your own that day.

PolkaDoting · 02/12/2018 01:57

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Guiltypleasures001 · 02/12/2018 02:03

My sons 20 he still has a felt handmade advent with numbered chocolates as does dh and myself

bert3400 · 02/12/2018 02:11

puddled2
your comments don't help anyone . Fyi my boys are 10 &16 and they both have advent calendars.

Shriek · 02/12/2018 02:18

Firstly, sorry to hear your sad situation, how gutting to see through him to his lack of feeling. Feel for you.

Is he their df? In which case wouldn't he be expecting half the day with them? Offer the bit that you can best manage without them.

Shriek · 02/12/2018 02:20

puddled for real, all that said and you come out with that, that's your carry out?? Good god!

Shriek · 02/12/2018 02:22

Agreeing that volunteering would be a great idea to get you all away from the current situation

thegreatbeyond · 02/12/2018 02:23

I bought my Mum a calendar. She's 75. So there!

Chickenwings85 · 02/12/2018 02:27

OP I'm so sorry this has happend to you and your children so close to Christmas.
As much as it hurts now is the perfect time to think up new Christmas traditions for you and the DC - maybe things you couldn't do before because the bastard didn't like the idea/thought it was daft/was just a miserable fuck in general. Claim Christmas back and make it yours and your DC's again, do things YOUR way - it will also give you a distraction away from the hurt for awhile.
You will get through this I promise you! I went through something similar around 5 years ago so I really do know how you're feeling at the moment.

Zoflorabore · 02/12/2018 02:35

I've bought advent calendars for nearly 16yr old ds and 42yr old dp so go fuck yourself with your snidey comment.

Op- you are grieving your relationship, what has been, what could have been etc etc.
Unfortunately it's normal to be feeling like you don't want to get out of bed anymore and want life to just stop for a bit, I've been there and it's truly horrible.
However, you need to be strong for the dc, they will be suffering too in a different way.

How sad that your ex can just be so cold towards you after all of those years together and that says more about him than you.
He will likely regret his decision at some point in the future and by that time you will be getting on with your life as the grief shifts to anger. I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers

SoleBizzz · 02/12/2018 02:47

This is nirmal. You are mourning the loss of a very long rollercoaster relationship. I empathise. You have two children and can build and create a life of your own.

TokenGinger · 02/12/2018 03:08

Oh, piss off, puddled. I’m 29 and my mum still gets me an advent calendar every year.

SoleBizzz · 02/12/2018 03:14

The Lonliness of Judith Hearne
Saturday Night Sunday Morning
The Remains of The Day
Howard's End

SoleBizzz · 02/12/2018 03:15

Oops soz

Banana1979 · 02/12/2018 03:40

I think you should shut up..the girl is asking 4 help and you are berating her about advent calendars..9 year and 15 year olds do still love them
You sound sad . Witch

Banana1979 · 02/12/2018 03:41

That was at @puddled2

blackcat86 · 02/12/2018 04:10

I'm 32 and DH is 39. My mum brought round 2 advent calendars yesterday. They're so cheap nowadays I think it's actually quite a nice thing for parents to buy.

OP if you get on well with your in laws still then I'm sure they'd love the DCs for Xmas but personally I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. I'd get some nice pre done food to just pop in the oven and have a lovely, relaxed Xmas with your kids. STBXH can have them boxing day. DSS has spent every Xmas with his mum so it's important to set up the traditions you want to continue as hard as it may all feel now, don't give him the satisfaction of not enjoying yourself.

Banana1979 · 02/12/2018 04:14

Look i felt the same way. Happened to me. I lost weight over the loss of my 10 yr rship after i gave birth to his daughter 2 months premature and he left me 4 a girl 10 years younger than me saying he couldn't cope with being a father. Not only did he leave and cheat on me, a first time mum with a sick prem baby , he also left me with severe post natal depression and its a miracle i didnt harm myself. He also hit me for no reason 2 weeks after baby was born ( i was prob in way of his new gf) and i reported it meaning he couldn't contact me.
So in the space of one day, my ten year rship and dreams of a family of my own came crashing to a halt. I couldn't cope. Plus i had a sick prem baby 2 look after and the post natal depression was truly evil. I refused 2 eat or drink properly for days, but i always made sure baby was fine.
My health visitor referred me 2 a service called newpin, in which mums with kids under 5 going through a hard time or have mental health issues can all meet and talk in group and participate in play sessions. Hated it at first but slowly i started to feel better, not just because of newpin but because time is the best healer, i started to realise after one year, how disgusting my ex was to abandon me and our child like that, never giving maintenance, i saw all his flaws one by one bit by bit, the bastard who never took me out, never bought me anything, the lies, when he left me i desperately tried to get him back all the shit he did and put me through didnt matter. It didnt matter that he hit me and screamed at me in front of my newborn on the first day i brought her home. It didnt matter that he never got me a card or even offered me some of his pepsi when id just finished giving birth and was gasping for a drink. It didnt matter when he described how disgusted he was when he saw my vagina during my giving birth. It didnt matter all the times he never complimented me, or even bought an outfit for baby or commented on how ugly my black nipples looked - a symptom of pregnancy and that he made me feel so ashamed and worthless when i couldnt get a drop of milk out of my engorged breasts. I just wanted him. Same like you. Because right now your feelings are hurt, you are rejected, your confidence knocked, you feel worthless. Your not depressed because you lost a beautiful man, or someone that treated you like gold, so the feelings you feel now are because if your issues with you, not because of you losing this pig of a man. You say yourself the rship had to end because of the kids so clearly your rship was affecting them in some way. My parents volatile relationship affected me badly in adult life..i always chose men who would abuse me emotionally and physically..do you want that for your kids?
Give it time. He will see you getting on with life and being happy again. Get maintenance from him you have them most of the time. He will crawl back but right now hes done the relationship a favour. You dont really love anything about him
Get some counselling. Join some groups. See your GP. Look up Mind services. You will start feeling better tiny bit by tiny bit..but you WILL get better and these feelings WILL go away and you will have control of your feelings back. Hes seconds to you now
Christmas? Make it your first without his negative energy. Invite a friend round if you can. It helps to be around people, but if you cant , keep the kids close. I promise you will feel better it wont be this way forever. Think of your 9 year old self. Would she have wanted this? Find yourself this man does not define you ok? Xx

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/12/2018 04:15

Advert calendars don't have an age limit, neither does fun - some people eh Hmm.
I'm so sorry for your situation OP, there's no magic wand to wave is there, Christmas has the tendency to highlight what you're missing, if you're missing something. However, as PP's have said, for your own sake you need to find ways to at least not make it harder, and that starts with putting you and your DC first. Fuck your STBX tbh, who gives a toss what looks he wants to give you, if it hadn't been right for a while and he doesn't love or want you enough then he isn't somebody you need in your life. Your value does not decrease based on whether other people see it or not, he is not the final word on whether you're good enough whatsoever.

Change is terrifying, and begging to get back together to plug the hole/stop the pain is a short term solution with no long term benefits. You aren't in the least bit pathetic OP. A difficult life change like this especially at Xmas would knock anybody for six, it's no commentary on you as a person.
No doubt Xmas will be tough, but take the day a bit at a time, plan activities in, ask your DC what they'd especially like to do, at home with you, and do that.Perhaps start a new tradition. Could they not see the in-laws on boxing day?

You're not alone OP Flowers

Banana1979 · 02/12/2018 04:20

Forgot to add she ended up cheating on him and had another mans baby. Oh well

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