Can't face fucking Christams

[rejectedandworthless]

This is so fucking painful.

DP of 18 years left a week ago.We have 2 DC (9&15) and I simply cannot face the thought of christmas without him.
I am faced with the choice of it just being me and the DC's and trying to put on a brave face or the DC's having a ' big Family xmas' with the STBX inlaws ( I think the DC's would personally choose the later)

I couldn't even get my head together enough to buy advent calenders - i just want the pain to go away.

The look of irritation (at me) on his face when I dropped the DC's at his cut like a knief as I know he doesnt love me anymore ( ?or even if he ever did)

There is a back story and the relationship hadn't been good for a long time - one of us had to finish it (for the DC's sake) But I still loved him enough to be willing to try (have suggested counciling etc )unfortunately he obviously doesnt feel the same way .

I have gone from being the 'strong one' to being the weak pathetic one begging and pleading for him to try again !

I have no other family and not really any friends so no IRL support - I know I have to keep going for the DC;s sake but it so bloody hard....

-Cath2907
That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. Go through the motions, but it’s exhausting. As much as I dread telling the kids, not telling them has been emotionally draining. Every time they ask about something in the future, it’s like a shock wave hits me. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to get stronger so that I can try and deal with the aftermath when they find out dad’s moving out.

I just read your first OP and felt that could have been me five years ago, I left because I had to, but every fibre of my being was distraught because my family was falling apart. I spent that first Christmas curled up on the couch with my dog, the kids were with their Dad, I can remember so much not wanting to wake up, literally praying I don't wake up, the hurt feeling was unbelievable, I have never experienced it since. Now I'm living with my kids, have a little buissness that I love and would love to know who or what stopped me taking my life that night

-babycow38
I imagine it was the kids that stopped you.

have your kids on Xmas day - don’t let him have that pleasure. Big brave face.
Then on Boxing Day send the kids to the inlaws and take yourself away for 2 nIghts - a spa or city break or stay with a friend - something that’s a treat for you

Thank you all for the support and suggestions.

I have managed to 'order Christmas' (thank you Amazon) & the DC's now have advent calendars so at least I feel as if I have achieved something .
DC's want to spent xmas with their father and his family opposed to it just being the three of us and I have do do whats right for them .
I dont have any family so will be alone on xmas day - its bloody hurtful that after having everyone to us for years noone has considered me ,so exmil is now on my 'fuck off' list !!

I go from being a strong 'warrior woman' thinking I can do this to a complete sobbing wreck .
I even managed to prepare the DC's a 'proper dinner' yesterday (opposed to super noodles ! ) and everything was going great until the bloody oven packed up and I then spent the next 2 hours on the phone a sobbing wreck to EXDP- not my finest hours and today I got home to find the bath is leaking into the kitchen !

As they say life can only get better ...

You will be fine give it time OP. Time is a great healer, have Xmas day off buy yourself something nice, get in all the food you love and sit back and relax.

I had 7 years on my own until I met my dp who is the best thing since sliced bread for me.

There is hope and happiness once you get over the initial heartache.

Please do not spend any money on anybody other than you and your children.

I still have an advent calendar. im in my 30s!
Op I can understand your pain, it may not seem like it now but it will go away and as your said the relationship was bad and not good for your children.
I went through the same thing out relationship wasn't good and it got to the point where my DC was regressing because of the toxicity and we both realised we needed to separate and it still hurt like hell to do it.

RejectedBUTDEFINITELYNOTworthless this really does get better and what's making it worse for you is your isolation. Perhaps now you are not with him you can set about building your own circle of support.

Screw him and his family, yea, make your own. If the DC want to go there make sure you all have a lovely time together Christmas morning, and when they get home in the evening for tea and a Christmas movie!

The morning you can plan a breakfast of their choosing, a big breakfast or whatever their favourites are, that you can all do together after your present opening! Don't forget to get yourself something special to go under the tree, and then once they are off for their dinner with him, take yourself off to a soup kitchen or centre to volunteer serving Christmas dinner, you will be surrounded by Christmas spirit and many many people and be happy to get home after having helped and met many ppl!

The ups and downs will even out eventually!

Then things like the bath leaking won't feel so overwhelming. [santa]

I hear ya sister. I've been dumped by my loving 50 yr old husband for a 23 yr old. I'm sitting in a restaurant in Liverpool on my own. It's Christmas and everyone's in couples. I've just pawned my wedding ring. It cant get any WORSE darling, we must be on the way up soon. Hang in there, we will get through this. We must know our own worth. Xxxxxxxxx

-rejectedandworthless
I think you’re doing great. You’re getting by as best you can. I’ve also done the online route for Christmas. I can’t really handle the shops at the moment. Do you have friends that you may be able to see on Xmas? I’m in the same boat if my kids decide to go with dad to the in laws (4hrs away).