Can't face fucking Christams

[rejectedandworthless]

This is so fucking painful.

DP of 18 years left a week ago.We have 2 DC (9&15) and I simply cannot face the thought of christmas without him.
I am faced with the choice of it just being me and the DC's and trying to put on a brave face or the DC's having a ' big Family xmas' with the STBX inlaws ( I think the DC's would personally choose the later)

I couldn't even get my head together enough to buy advent calenders - i just want the pain to go away.

The look of irritation (at me) on his face when I dropped the DC's at his cut like a knief as I know he doesnt love me anymore ( ?or even if he ever did)

There is a back story and the relationship hadn't been good for a long time - one of us had to finish it (for the DC's sake) But I still loved him enough to be willing to try (have suggested counciling etc )unfortunately he obviously doesnt feel the same way .

I have gone from being the 'strong one' to being the weak pathetic one begging and pleading for him to try again !

I have no other family and not really any friends so no IRL support - I know I have to keep going for the DC;s sake but it so bloody hard....

Karma is a bitch banana

What a shame.... you must be soooo sad for him love it.

How you feel is perfectly normal. They say it takes a month for every year of a relationship, so you have a difficult year ahead of you, before you begin to feel better.

There's no magic bullet, but no contact helps significantly, and distraction.

You need to take care of yourself; seek rl support, allow time to wallow and grieve, do things that make you happy.

Regarding Christmas. When it happened to me I made a list of everything that needed to be done and wrote one thing on every day of the calendar. It really helped me to get organised and not become overwhelmed, because you do need normality for your dc. As pp have said, cut corners and take the easy option wherever possible. Accept invitations. Days at home will feel quiet but so what, dc will be happy watching movies with nice food I'm sure.

Yay Banana What goes around comes around eh?

OP if you have no RL support keep posting on here and draw a tonne of help and support. He has treated you like utter shit. Leaving just before Christmas is a dick trick without all the other shit you have had to undergo. Once you find your anger you will decompress a bit and start to really see what a turd he is. Then you will start to heal a bot too.

there is a back story and the relationship hadn't been good for a long time - one of us had to finish it (for the DC's sake

This speaks volumes. If you can see that it’s in your children’s best interest that your relationship ends- then perhaps you will come to see it’s actually in yours too. You are worth more than this prick who looks at you like you’re worthless. You are strong and you’re just getting thrown by the “pick me” dance which isn’t even really about him and you. It’s about fear of the unknown. But in the unknown lies Hope. And Change. And your future can be everything you want it to be- happy and healthy- not stuck in a bad relationship.
Chin up. Find somewhere locally that still has advent calendars (our Tesco and Aldi both did) or take your kids out for a breakfast and then buy them a tin of their favourite sweets to eat out of each day. Start NEW Xmas traditions of your own. You’ve got this.

Thank you for all for taking time to offer advice and a hand hold - you really dont know how much it means .
I didn't mean to Post and run - I just needed to (try ) and sleep.

I will take the advice & make a list of what I need to buy for christmas and do some online shopping today even through its the last thing I want to do .
isadora 'But in the unknown lies Hope' those are powerful words & I will do my best to hold on to them.
The anger towards him & the inability to keep his promises to make an effort set in months ago ,so at the moment I am feeling a mix of complete loss and absolute rage !!

I dropped some clothes at his Mums last night and she didn't even bother to say hi to me which hurt.
I know I need to cut all contact (except in regard to DC) but that is easier said than done when all I want to do is hear his voice.

I will keep posting as I have little rls

Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. It will be different this year that's for sure. Your children will know that. Take each day as it comes. If you've got good friends lean on them for a bit, that's what they are there for

Just focus on survival mode this year, take the pressure off yourself & take it easy. Your kids are old enough to not need all the bells & whistles & to understand that Christmas will be low key this year.

Next year, you’ll be in a totally different place & can make it extra special.

Sorry you're having such a rough time at the minute OP. I know this must be very painful and it's a dreadful time of year for him to do this to you. Try to be kind to yourself and take things one moment at a time. Keep Christmas very low key, just you and the children and some peace and quiet. You're honestly well rid of him if he has done this to you.

I was in this situation years ago. I booked us all into a hotel which did a Christmas package and we had a great time. It broke the traditions which would have been so painful to rerun without their dad there. We were with other people which took the pressure in an a way. We all did our own thing - I set up a jigsaw in the lounge and lots of people helped in bits, one dc watched boxsets on the CD player in her hotel room and we all enjoyed being catered for. It made it easier in subsequent years as we agreed that Christmas that everyone should do just what they want at Christmas time - now they are all adults and I am a granny and their dad is forgiven - that’s just what we do - no obligations, no expectations. Go where you want to go and do what you want to do at Christmas. I love it.

Is there anyway you could do that?

urban That sounds like a good idea if only I felt brave enough to break with 'tradition' !!
I actually found a holiday to florida leaving on xmas day but I figured things will be tough wherever we are without spending loads of money to be miserable.
I know it sounds pathetic and I know I cant hold on to the past (or rather what I wanted the past to be like)

I just wish I could get a grip & pull myself together ....

Get a grip & pull myself together....

Please stop beating yourself up he left you not the other way round!! you need time to heal this is all very raw!! As I said before I think you just need to get through this Christmas the best you can
do something nice with your kids on Christmas Eve go out to dinner or lunch go to the Christmas market go ice skating, panto make the weekend befor Christmas till Christmas morning as special as u can then Christmas morning try not think about your twat of a husband get u open to presents with the kids and have a lovely breakfast together!! Then get him to pick up the kids at noon then as soon as they have gone cry your heart out, eat chocolate drink wine and grief as much as u need to. As hard is it is for you it’s not a walk in the park for you children and they will be torn between you both so try and make it as easy for them as possible. Time is a great healer and remember next Christmas you will feel so much better. Please be kind to yourself I’m sure u are in such pain but just get through Christmas as best as u can.

Oh OP, I'm there too (my current thread asking for handhold is on this board somewhere).

I was so upset yesterday re it being December. I wish it would all dissappear. It's such a horrendous emotional roller-coaster from one minute to the next isn't it. First I'm sobbing, then I'm scared, then I'm resolute, then I'm angry, then I'm numb, then I'm hugging the kids pretending it was a joint decision for the best, then I'm snapping at them because they are out of sorts and we're all tired and uneasy, then I'm mad again, and then I'm wanting to beg him back and sobbing again. I honestly do not know how this first month will pan out, I'm finding it incredibly painful, and especially difficult having to arrange to see him for the kids and sorting things like money out.

I'm here though, if you want to message me you can, maybe we could be there for each other.

I'm sorry it's just all so shit xxx

Hi OP.

Could you book Christmas dinner in a pub or restaurant for the three of you? It's short notice but someone may have space/cancellations.

I'd do some practical work on the lack of social circle too, perhaps. Have a look at meetup.co.uk or try to reconnect with old friends who are nearby. Maybe join the PTA, the WI, or offer some of your spare time to a local charity. Any colleagues who might be up for a cinema trip or after-work beer? That kind of thing. It will seem very hard at first but it's worth doing I think.

I was where you are in December some years ago. Next December WILL be better, I can tell you that with confidence.

super Thats a good idea. I dont know why I hadn't thought about it before - I'm off work tomorrow so that will be my challenge for tomorrow.
getoffthe table So sorry you are going through this too. I feel exactly the same as you do going from anger,sadness and fear coupled with that awful stomach churning - I feel like telling the next cheerful person that enquires 'ready for christmas?' to sod off !!
I have managed to order presents today so at least thats an achievement . My youngest has been asking to put the decorations up for weeks and that will be another hurdle to get through (used to do it as a family of four & make an occasion of it )
ExDP is due to bring DC's back at 6pm and I'm sat here like some desperate woman attempting to look 'sexily undone' ! mind you he did phone earlier to tell me me what time he was coming and I did at least manage to sound oh so casual and friendly instead of like a desperate woman on the edge- I just need to do the same when he drops off ! He's so cold towards me & that stings .
I will check out your other thread but I shall be around later on this evening should you want to chat but until then remember we will survive this I'm holding on to isadora's quote 'in the unknown lies hope' & you should too.

If you can't face christmas then dont . Try go on a holiday with the money you would of spent on xmas presents . It will help you to think about your future and also to get away from reminders of whats happened. You sometimes have to put yourself first . X

I don’t think it’s good to go on holiday, and agree with you when you say you will be miserable whether on holiday or at home, so why pay to be miserable? Flying off to another country doesn’t make the pain go away, it just means you’re miles away surrounded by strangers with no support to call on. It will make you feel even more alone. Going for a meal on the day though is a really good idea, followed by a good Xmas movie at home snuggled up together on the sofa stuffing your faces with chocolate! You sound strong; you’ll get through it , then New Year, new beginnings.

Tell the children that this Christmas will be different but they can take part in choosing new traditions - pyjamas til midday? Lunch out - silly game or movie, whatever they like the idea of. Keep posting , you will have us all here to cheer you on!

'in the unknown lies hope'

I like that, thank you.

Hope you have had a reasonable day x

Hi all,
New to mumsnet. I’ve just started following this thread and am struck by how many similar storues there are out there. My husband of 24 years told me a few months ago that he wasn’t happy. Doesn’t feel the spark, attraction anymore. After a few months of trying to work on the relationship, he decided last week that he can’t do it anymore and has organized a flat to rent and will be moving out after his return from work trip overseas on Friday. Kids 15, 18, 20 are completely clueless as we never argued (obviously didn’t communicate very well either) and will be crushed when they find out dad’s moving out. Anyone have any advise on how to break the news? I’m dreading it and struggling to cope with my own emotions- not eating, sleeping- but want to get strong for the kids. Struggling with Christmas as well.

Shops still have advent calendars and they’re reduced, so go out tomorrow and get some. Make a plan fir Xmas day - without the in laws! Small steps... you’ll get there.

Talk to the DC about what they want to do this Christmas. My local swimming pool runs special Christmas Day sessions, is that something you would enjoy? Some exercise is a great idea (snowy walk?).
In our family we've eaten some weird foods at Christmas (Ostrich, Crocodile and Insects) as we had a food issue. Games can be a good idea, and maybe watch some alternative films - not happy family ones.

Just take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself.

Hi @Trudeau2525 so sorry, and yes hopefully it will help you some to see how common this is. Doesn't take the pain away though.
Do create your own thread for your support in relationships

rejectedBUTNOTworthless I prepared a post to you yesterday, but my device plays such fucking annoying funny games, I lost it otherwise I would have been back before now.

Go through the motions. Do the things you usually do and make some of your own traditions! The dc will be excited, they will, and you will enjoy that, you will be able to escape into their excitement for some special Christmas moments, that's what's important. Focus on them, and keep going through the motions. Maybe you could find something special for you to do for you over Christmas, I don't know...maybe if you like yoga, take up a class for a few weeks, or zumba, or whatever you like and enjoy that will be special time for you. Keep strong.

Hi all. Definitely just trying to go through the motions. It’s weird how all of a sudden the things thatvinuswd to enjoy doing, I can’t bear to do anymore. It’s like a switch has been turned off. Honestly I’d stay in bed all day if I could. I drag myself out for the kids. Husband arrives back on Friday and we’ll tell the kids then. I expect a new fresh wave of hell after that

My STBXH and I split in October. Despite it being mutual and overdue it was still a numbing shock! I just kept the words of Winston Churchill in my head “when going through hell... keep going!”

It will get easier just keep going through the Xmas motions. Buy late advent calendars! My mum bought me one this year and I am 41!