How do you trust again?

[NameWithChange]

Just that really, does anyone know?

I can't imagine ever putting myself on the line again.

2 serious broken relationships with men I knew for a long while, promised me the world and turned out to be lying snakes.

How and why do people put themselves back out there? I can just see my life trickling away as I run around after the kids, have no time for myself and struggle to make ends meet.

Any happy endings out there ??

Start with yourself. You and only you should be promising yourself the world.
A relationship should enhance your happiness but not provide it all.

I know it sounds cliche but I spent an awful couple of years with a lying, manipulative and controlling moron. I totally lost myself, spent all my time worrying about his reaction to things, keeping it all together etc. Finally it came to a head and I realised I was chasing something that was never going to happen. At the start he'd said all the right things, made all the right promises, but his actions never backed up his bullshit.
It took time but I spent a year single, just learning to be happy on my own.

Make a little time for yourself each week, even if it's just a bath and face mask or something. Spend quality time with your children, sit back and appreciate the things you do have.

I am dating again now but never again will I rely on a man to make me happy. That's all me now.

Stay strong and be kind to yourself

Oh and as for the trust, you've just got to look at what's in front of you and not judge based on your past. Easier said than done but it's just something you have to work on.
Start with being happy on your own though, once you find that inner strength you realise that nothing is that bad really, you've always got yourself

Thank you.

The problem is I really seem to get sucked in by these tossers! The last one convinced my family he was such a great guy too!

I want nice baths and treats and quality time with kids and nice meals out etc with friends. Genuinely can't see why I would ever risk my sanity again in another relationship!!!

I suppose it's easy to get sucked in when you're wanting it so badly to work but I think that's why it's so important to establish happiness on your own first.
That way you only want to let people in who make it better, not worse.

Stop looking.
Stop the thought process that you need to have a man.
You need to get happy in your own skin.
Enjoy your own company.
Enjoy time with friends and family.

I've been screwed over as well, and right now I'm happy being single.
I really don't want a relationship.
It would be nice to find someone to go out with and enjoy doing things with and of course, sex.
But I know I'll never fully trust a man again.
And I know I really don't want to ever live with a man again.
Sad? Maybe.
But I have great friends and family and I'm busy every weekend.

Find yourself. Take your time.
Don't expect anything.
See what happens.

I agree with you on all those points hellsbellsmelons.

Thanks very much.
I love this and it sums it all up!

Honestly, I won’t ever trust again. My last break up nearly killed me, the pain went on for months and it still hurts now a bit if I think about it (therefore I don’t often think about it!). I can’t go through that again. I honestly don’t think my mental health could withstand having my heart broken again. I’ve made a nice single life for myself now and I’m happy and contented. I’m nearly 50, my kids are grown up so I don’t need someone to have a family with. My view is I tried relationships for 30+ years and it’s never worked so I’ve learned my lesson!

NameWithChange I get it it totally do. I have been single now for 2 years after a nasty separation. I also have several young children, i have still a lot to sort out from my separation, financially, practically and emotionally. But im happy alone, i dont need anyone else, im beginning to get an inner peace that i haven't felt for a very long time. I think you need to try and make your life as happy and for filling as possible. Try and become as self officiant and independent as possible, these issues will not be solved by meeting a man. x

I don’t and won’t ever trust anyone but my kids, ever again. I never show it to people, I don’t make anyone pay for what’s been done to me in the past, but I always have one eye open and I would say 90% of the people I have dealings with prove that I am right to have not let my guard down.

@Namewithchange - I wish I had the answer to this! My H had an EA then physical relationship with another woman. I partly blame myself as he was very unhappy due to my problem drinking - although having an affair was not the best response after 20plus years together. Of course the affair has burned out, I've stopped drinking and now he wants to try again - and it is the trusting him again and the fear of another heartbreak which is holding me back.

In your case - I think there are two things in your post that stand out - trusting again in a relationship and having a good life - the two things are not the same. Focus on making your life more fulfilling so that you don't feel it is trickling away. Do all those things you want to do without "looking" for a relationship. Find your inner strength so that if someone does come along, you know you can manage with or without them. Don't make being in a trusting relationship your goal - make being happy and fulfilled your goal and everything else secondary to that. Good luck!

I'm genuinely not looking!!! That'a what worries me!!! Kids keep me busy at the mo and juggling work but not sure where I will be in 10 years. Don't want to be old and lonely - but cannot imagine sharing a bed with a sweaty/smelly/hairy/snoring (delete as appropriate) lump of flesh ever again!!!

I have always been extremely independent, bought my own property from young age and worked hard etc.

Socialising with friends is hard because of childcare / work / time and energy and I have noticed married 'friends' have dwindled as I became single. Other single mum friends have their own childcare issues so coinciding plans can be tricky.

I just can't imagine ever putting it all on the line again for a person. Can't see the benefit. Maybe I am just in the fall out from divorce phase, but I look at single mum friends chasing after men and prioritising a new relationship over their children and I feel sick!!!

@Namewithchange - apologies if my post made it sound as if you weren't doing all of these things! It was just when you said you felt life trickling away.

You sound like you are maybe a bit protective of yourself after break ups but that's no bad thing - better that than the other which some of your friends are doing.

I agree with basically 'being a friend to yourself', enjoy your own company, make your life how you want it. It has taken me decades (I'm 48) to stop being unkind to myself. Having just gone through a break up from a 9 year relationship (he had an OW) I know that this is the time to concentrate on myself.

I feel exactly like Hellsbellsmelons. Nearly 2 months on and I am enjoying my single life and have no intention to date or look for another relationship. I still need some time to lick my wounds and letting another person into my life is not the answer. I also feel at this point in my life, that I wouldn't want to live with another man again. Trusting another man will take time for many of us who have been screwed over. Unfortunately some women (I've done it!) head into another relationship thinking another man is the answer...they are not.

I'm not ruling out relationships in the future. I want a few years on my own and I owe it to my youngest (she's 15) to support her through the next phase of her life. We've both been through hell from the break up with my Ex. A few of my friends have said I shouldn't be so rigid with this decision as I never know who will come along, but I feel quite strongly about this having been through everything recently.

Trust might come in time, but you need to concentrate on yourself.

Storm4star Honestly, I won’t ever trust again. My last break up nearly killed me, the pain went on for months and it still hurts now a bit if I think about it (therefore I don’t often think about it!). I can’t go through that again. I honestly don’t think my mental health could withstand having my heart broken again. I’ve made a nice single life for myself now and I’m happy and contented. I’m nearly 50, my kids are grown up so I don’t need someone to have a family with. My view is I tried relationships for 30+ years and it’s never worked so I’ve learned my lesson!

I could have written this exact post (no kids though). It just seems overwhelmingly risky to even try when the pain is so great and terrible when/if it goes bad. The lovely before part is wonderful and I loved being in love and thought I was in it for life. But oh god the pain. Can't see how its worth risking doing that again.

And as for people who jump in and out of relationships and are never single. I simply cannot understand. How can they do this time and time again? How do they survive?

I could have written this exact post (no kids though). It just seems overwhelmingly risky to even try when the pain is so great and terrible when/if it goes bad. The lovely before part is wonderful and I loved being in love and thought I was in it for life. But oh god the pain. Can't see how its worth risking doing that again.

Because you've got yourself still? I've been through the shit, the lies, the pain etc but I came out of it stronger.
I'm seeing someone now. He's lovely, it's great but I am 100% in a different head space this time. I know I'd be fine if it doesn't work out, I know I'm ok on my own.

I wasn't looking for a relationship but it's happened and while it's good, it can stay in my life. The second it starts to be not good I'm in a place now where I'd definitely walk away and not look back.

I don't want to allow my past determine my future

@shotsfired

And as for people who jump in and out of relationships and are never single. I simply cannot understand. How can they do this time and time again? How do they survive?

I think it is down to self esteem, insecurities and lack of confidence. I've had 2 long term relationships in my life. I don't count the one with the father of my son as that was just a couple of years between 17-20 and I was very young..it was a disaster. I was then on my own for 9 years and I have to say that I didn't have the confidence to be with anyone...lots of insecurities due to my childhood etc and just felt too scared to go into a relationship. Then I my ex-H (father of my DD) and was with him for 11 yrs. We split amicably, but he did screw me over financially. There was a gap of a few months and then I was with my ex-P (who I split with recently...together for 9yrs). Boy do I regret doing that. We didn't live together until a year later, but with the benefit of hindsight I shouldn't have jumped into another relationship so quickly. That's why I am very mindful not to do it again. For the first time in my life...despite the pain of the break up...I am feeling a helluva lot more confident about myself and know I am totally fine on my own.

I've been through the shit, the lies, the pain etc but I came out of it stronger

Not everyone does though. The whole "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" doesn't work for everyone. I am weaker than I used to be. Yes I have me, I can take care of myself and make myself happy but overall I am definitely weaker. I used to be able to be that person that friends could come to if they had a problem but now? I can't deal with it. When other problems happen in my life it takes me so much more time and energy to sort them out. My heart is scarred for good. I know I'm ok on my own but that doesn't mean I could ever take the risk of falling in love again because before the acceptance of being alone again you have to go through the pain, and I'm just not up to it.

Don't want to be old and lonely

A lot of people feel this way but you could meet someone tomorrow and he could die at 70 and you live till 90! Or you could end up his carer which would be worse imo. I have seen people lose their partner at 65+ and it is so so much harder for them to adapt to being alone again than it is for someone 20 years younger. Some couples do die within months of each other but a lot more don't.

@Storm4star I suppose you're right. I just can't imagine living my the rest of my life never letting anyone else in just because of what's gone before me.

My outlook on life is now if it enhances me then it stays, if it doesn't it goes. That might mean I stay in this relationship until the day I die, or I might have 12 more after this one. Or none.
Any of those is ok with me, just taking life as it comes.

Jeez i feel like such a failure in love. All around me are people who fell in love at a young age and have been happily together forever more - you just have to read MN to see all the "soulmate" posts.

I only had my first "real" boyfriend late teens, but he cheated on me. Then a (with hindsight) controlling long distance nutjob while I was at uni.

Then.... till I met my now-ex in my 40s, when I had got on with my life. Because of my past, I was extremely cautious and exceedingly keen to make him see who I was - a very very imperfect person with baggage, and to make sure he went in with his eyes open and I wasn't spinning him so rose-tinted version of myself.

We were going along fine for years (so I thought) till one day he informed me he'd checked out some time ago because he couldn't be with me and how I was. And that was that - he left. He'd given me no clue whatsoever he was unhappy - he'd been as loving and attentive as normal, but he told me it was all an act (and before the inevitable chorus stars up, there categorically, definitely was no other woman. I am sick of having to defend him on that point).

Because you've got yourself still?
That's exactly my point. If I am putting myself back together and standing up by myself this time, how is it not lunacy to risk destroying that again? Good men don't come with a special certificate, so that means you can't tell them from the shit ones. And that is where the risk is.

Fuck's sake, I am sitting here crying just thinking about the whole shitty situation now.

What's the alternative to never trusting again? For me I had to let go of the hurt and betrayal or I would be alone forever and that isn't the life I want. Also, I wont allow some cheating fucker to colour my view of other people, that would be giving him control of my life and he isn't having that.

My outlook on life is now if it enhances me then it stays, if it doesn't it goes

I agree with you on that 100%
Maybe that's a part of it for me. I really like my life right now and it would be hard to see how another person could enhance it. Relationships can bring fun, happiness etc but they also require emotions, commitment, time invested etc and I'm not willing to do that.

ShotsFired I'm so sorry this has upset you. Mine was a bolt from the blue too, I got the same sort of reasons. I do know exactly what you're talking about and I feel the same way as you.