How do you trust again?

[NameWithChange]

Just that really, does anyone know?

I can't imagine ever putting myself on the line again.

2 serious broken relationships with men I knew for a long while, promised me the world and turned out to be lying snakes.

How and why do people put themselves back out there? I can just see my life trickling away as I run around after the kids, have no time for myself and struggle to make ends meet.

Any happy endings out there ??

@ShotsFired sorry you're feeling so bad 

I think, for me anyway, nobody could destroy that ever again because nobody will ever have to power over me to do that. Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean I'm handing over the reins to them.

Agree with everything @userxx said

I look at single mum friends chasing after men and prioritising a new relationship over their children and I feel sick!!! how do you know this is what they are doing? Are they not just dating? I think not judging others is important to become happy with yourself.

I remember being criticised purely for having a relationship just because I had a 2yo at the time! We kept it secret from everyone for around 8 months and never introduced our kids to each other until we both felt comfortable. Took it slowly etc and I genuinely got called a slag and a bad mother! My other half got no critucism as a single dad however......

Criticism*

I look at single mum friends chasing after men and prioritising a new relationship over their children and I feel sick!!!

how do you know this is what they are doing? Are they not just dating? I think not judging others is important to become happy with yourself.

100% agree with the second part ^^

I get this. I have been so badly hurt by ex. We split 12 months ago but the things he has done since then have destroyed me. I can no longer imagine ever trusting someone again.

I see some of my friends who are head over heels in love and I feel happy for them but jealous.

I'm cross with myself for ever allowing the ex in in the first place, I shouldn't have ignored the red flags.

I have no answers just empathy

Jeez i feel like such a failure in love. All around me are people who fell in love at a young age and have been happily together forever more - you just have to read MN to see all the "soulmate" posts.

I'm not a cynic...far from it but I met my husband at 16, we were together for the most part for over 20 years, married for 13 and everyone would have said we were "soulmates". I've never liked the term personally as I find it a bit puke but I would have said this was it, as perfect as two people can be for each other.

Anyway, he had an affair with a younger woman and it tuns out no-one really knows who anyone is or what they are capable of. We know what people want us to know and we place our trust in that being enough.

I don't think i'll ever be as trusting again because I am less naive now than I was before this happened. I know people can tell you anything and promise you the world but then things happen. This doesn't mean I am ready to give up on being open to meeting someone. It just means I will always have a protective layer on.

@wishywashy6 and @Sunshineandflipflops

It's interesting, you both say you wouldn't give someone that power over you again. I could do that. I could get into a relationship but keep a wall up around my heart. I've done it in the past, before I was stupid enough to let my ex in. But, for me, real love is having the vulnerability. Knowing your heart could get broken but trusting that person not to. So if I don't want to be vulnerable like that, for me it's all a pointless exercise. I don't know if that makes sense?

"Power" over me is something I will never let anyone have.

For me, it's not so much about not putting up a wall but I've experienced things that have changed me as a person so I can never go back to who I was before or love in the same way as I did. That doesn't mean I can't love at all but will I ever 100% trust that someone will never be unfaithful just because they say so? No, I won't.

@Storm4star I do understand that yes and I suppose while I've probably come across as an ice queen, it's more complex than that.

I'm not saying I'm unhurtable, I've got feelings and I do feel vulnerable to an extent in that I've let someone else into my heart again. Right now I'm trusting a guy to not hurt me again and so far he isn't. IF he did, yes I'd cry. Yes I'd feel hurt but I'd get over it again. And I wouldn't go back to him time and time again in the hope that he'd change. I think that's my point, I'd be fine.
For me I'd rather take the risk of getting hurt and enjoy the good parts than completely cut off the chance of a good relationship just because it might go wrong. I might step out of my front door and get run over by an arctic truck tomorrow, but I also might not.

I don't know if this will come across right written down but I spent a while single really taking a step back from everything and assessing life on a bigger scale. I kind of came to the conclusion that everyone I meet, everyone that has been in my life and who will enter my life in the future has done/ will do so for a reason. They're right for me at that time, whether it's to push me on to a different path or to teach me some kind of lesson - they're all part of my journey.
I'll be dead in 60 years and I fully intend on just embracing all the good and bad parts life has to throw at me.
I'd rather have something to cry about than to never feel anything again - does that make sense or do I sound like a lunatic now?

I kind of came to the conclusion that everyone I meet, everyone that has been in my life and who will enter my life in the future has done/ will do so for a reason. They're right for me at that time, whether it's to push me on to a different path or to teach me some kind of lesson - they're all part of my journey.

I love this @wishywashy6. I don't want to live in the past or have any regrets but I want to learn lessons from my past to help shape my future for the better.

@Sunshineandflipflops that's just it. I could say I regret X,Y,Z about my life but for all the bits I could regret I also then think "if it wasn't for that though, I wouldn't have..."

Sounds a bit cliche and pukey but I feel an inner peace now that I've never really felt before. If you strip everything else away, I have my kids and my health, anything else is replaceable.

What's the alternative to never trusting again?
Knowing I won't feel like this again. That is better.

For me I'd rather take the risk of getting hurt and enjoy the good parts than completely cut off the chance of a good relationship just because it might go wrong
That's really interesting. I look at it as the "size" of the pain I am going through now is greater than the "size" of the love (having been happily single, happily in love and unhappily single!).

So I can't currently see a time when I will risk suffering the bigger pain by trusting that the smaller love will not turn into that pain (I am rambling now...)

(Storm4Star and wishywahsy6 It kind of helps knowing I am not alone in feeling so wretched about love, so thank you for your kindness)

But, for me, real love is having the vulnerability. Knowing your heart could get broken but trusting that person not to. So if I don't want to be vulnerable like that, for me it's all a pointless exercise. I don't know if that makes sense?
100% clear sense to me.

That's really interesting. I look at it as the "size" of the pain I am going through now is greater than the "size" of the love (having been happily single, happily in love and unhappily single!). *

@ShotsFired that's quite interesting actually as I've come out of it all feeling the other way round

I'd rather have something to cry about than to never feel anything again

I do understand this and you don't sound like a lunatic! You sound like someone who still has hope and that's not a bad thing!
I think Shots and I are in the same place, in knowing that we don't want that pain again. I want the security of knowing I won't be in that situation in future. That is what brings me peace. It is kind of sad. Love can be a wonderful thing, but it's a risk I just can't take.

For me, it's not so much about not putting up a wall but I've experienced things that have changed me as a person so I can never go back to who I was before or love in the same way as I did. That doesn't mean I can't love at all but will I ever 100% trust that someone will never be unfaithful just because they say so? No, I won't.

This this and this. Being betrayed changes you, you cant ever go back to being that person and to be honest I wouldn't want to. I took something positive from the negative. Its hard but doable.

The problem is I bet there are a whole bunch of us who would have bet a million that our husbands were ‘not the type’ to go off and do something so stupid, but opportunity, boredom, depression , whatever means I think that many are vulnerable to ego boosts that get out of hand and then create the damage. I can only liken it to shellshock or PTSD when you realise everything you thought and knew about someone who you had no reason to doubt was suddenly was blown to bits

I know if I decided to go it alone I would need a good long period on my own to get my head in the right place or would have a chronic urge to snoop .

I just can't imagine ever putting it all on the line again for a person

Do you have to - put it all on the line again for one person? Genuine question. What is "putting it all on the line"?

We are all encouraged in psychobabble to "trust" and get over "trust" issues. Why I've never been exactly sure. A certain amount of trust I imagine would grow as a relationship develops. But alot of people "jump in", and maybe trust too much??

I’ve taken a decision to remain single until my dc is 18. (7 years)

Which means I don’t need to worry about it for a while, and I can just get on with enjoying my dc, home, job, life.

I'd been on my own for 2 years when I started seeing someone a few months ago. I went through questioning how I could ever trust again while I was single and tbh now I'm in a relationship trust isn't the issue. I wouldn't have got involved with him in the first place if I hadn't felt I could trust him. The problem I'm having is that I'm keeping him at arms length. I can't let him get close.

I’m 9 months post split after discovering STBXH, who I trusted implicitly, was having an affair. We’d been married 23 years together 25 years.

I never imagined he’d do what he did. We had a really good marriage and were making all kinds of plans, we had holidays and weekends away booked and then WHAM I found a photo on his iPad of some random woman and within 4 hours our whole relationship had collapsed.

I’m recovering slowly but I don’t think I would ever trust any man in future. It never entered my head he’d cheat on me so perhaps I became complacent, I just think if someone I know inside out can deceive me so easily, others can do too.

I’m 60 now and I’m really sad that the future I thought I’d have isn’t the future I’m going to have but I’d sooner be on my own than constantly worrying someone might be cheating.

The problem is I bet there are a whole bunch of us who would have bet a million that our husbands were ‘not the type’ to go off and do something so stupid, but opportunity, boredom, depression , whatever means I think that many are vulnerable to ego boosts that get out of hand and then create the damage. I can only liken it to shellshock or PTSD when you realise everything you thought and knew about someone who you had no reason to doubt was suddenly was blown to bits

Totally this!! When I had concerns about my ex-P and his 'friendship'. I remember sitting down and having a 3 hour conversation with his mother about it. She agreed that should would have felt the same about another woman messaging etc. Then she said he was like his dad...that he probably couldn't cope at all with another woman/affair, so she was confident he (her son) wasn't like that.

Well he was!

In all the years I knew him, I honestly never questioned his friendships with other women (his work colleagues are mainly female) and trusted him implicitly. It truly never crossed my mind until this OW (as she turned out to be) popped up as a new friend on FB. I can't explain how I knew she was a threat to our relationship. It was one interaction on FB that I saw and then found out she was whatsapping him every night - then he made her stop (apparently) after I voiced my concerns. He didn't come across as someone who would be duplicitous, but he ended being just that person. It took a whole year to find proof and a whole year of him gas-lighting me and being emotionally abusive. He was not the person I initially met and fell in love with at all. A lot of people were shocked and his parents are still in denial about it. They blamed me for being 'unstable'...i.e: being anxious and stressed all the time due to the gas-lighting etc. His behaviour facilitated my anxiety, but they couldn't accept that. They said she is a friend to him and a 'shoulder to cry on'...you couldn't make it up. But he is their son and of course they will believe what they want to believe.

Either way when I did find out the truth, it was a weight off my mind to know I wasn't going mad as he was making it out to be. Yes, it has dented my trust, but as I've said in a previous reply to this thread, I feel quite positive about my future now and will be enjoying the single life with no plans to enter into another relationship for a fair few years. My youngest is still at home and will be doing her GCSEs next year, so I'm rather like @Seniorschoolmum and want to concentrate on myself, my job and my home. I've got lots of lovely friends and plans for next year! Trust in another relationship can take a backseat for now.

@Lily007 My situation was very similar to yours and happened 12 months ago. It all happened so quickly and my/my children's lives changed in a split second.
@Pinkmonkeybird I only had 2 weeks of gaslighting between having suspicions something wasn't right and finding out he was having an affair but those were by far the worst 2 weeks out of any of this as I thought I was going mad.

I think I still believe in love too much to give up though.

Good for you PinkMonkey--have fun!! . I have stayed (its complicated, business together etc and I would effectively lose my job at 56 ) but I do know that I certainly don't feel exactly the same about us and I have antenna on alert. In my case it
was something that happened a long time ago (13 years) and I found out 2 years ago totally by accident, as he had left 'stuff' in an office drawer. I think in his case it wasn't an affair as such but a heavy infatuation mainly on his side with a very young women who worked with us occasionally, however i don't take kindly to the fact he never removed her off facebooki ended up doing it myself. What has also surprised me and came up because I continued snooping after i found out is that he has a chronic porn habit (multiple times a week) when I am out. Not really a way to build trust is it. he is unaware that i know this and in detail, although i have casually mentioned twice that there were dodgy supercookies on his ipad. he was embarrassed and said he would stop-but he hasn't, he just doesn't know how I know. . I am still very undecided, I do care a lot but the trust to be frank is buggered simply because I know he isn't underneath what he gives the impression of, not quite the 'new man' he gives the image of and it has totally killed how I feel about sex too. As you say it isn't always the 'likely lads' that go off like this. In my case the only red flag I had was that he always liked women and they like him and he got on with them better as friends and colleagues than men . I did have an inkling way back in 2005 that far too much texting and 'popping around there' was going on, but I let it drift and didn't snoop as much as I should have at the time, as life got in the way. I think to be honest it was an ego buzz on his part, but I think once you see someone has potential to be not quite what you thought they were, it is always in the back of your mind even if you stay. I also don't like playing detective but somehow feel compelled. Not good I know and not at all healthy. I think one way or other this coming year i have to make a decision to either trust and accept the porn too or get out.

Don't want to be old and lonely - but cannot imagine sharing a bed with a sweaty/smelly/hairy/snoring (delete as appropriate) lump of flesh ever again!!!

Honestly if your experiences have led you to see men like this I think you’re better off not dating. Women sweat, smell if they don’t wash, grow hair, and snore. Even when I’ve been through bad times in relationships or been hurt I can honestly say I’ve never felt enough contempt or looked down on men/a guy enough to view them like this! I think you’ll know when you’re ready to date as you’ll look forward to the idea of having a man you love or fancy in bed next to you to sleep next to through the night rather than this view. When you’re really crazy about someone even the snoring and sweatiness after a long day or occasional disgusting fart don’t put you off.