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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend died.

96 replies

Herja · 01/12/2018 13:38

I found out yesterday that my boyfriend has died. We had a long distance relationship and I had not been able to get hold of him, his mum went to check on him and found him.

He was quite troubled, but was the only person who understood me completely in the whole world. Despite his problems he was a most amazing person, I loved tge way his mind worked. He was so funny and so kind and I miss him so very much already.

I last spoke to him on Monday morning. On Monday night I called and he tried to answer I think. He was found on Thursday. I have anxiety around people I love dying, so I was worried something was wrong from Monday night. We normally spoke by message a few times an hour.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

OP posts:
sparklesaremyfavourite · 04/12/2018 04:25

Herja, I send you so many hugs. He sounds like a magical person and I understand your deep sense of grief at having lost such an important relationship. I've been through a lot of loss and I can honestly say it gets better

ManchesterMum63 · 04/12/2018 04:30

Thanksxx

YouCouldBeMe · 04/12/2018 06:23

It's normal to grieve but you need to live for yourself and your children. Try to eat and sleep Thanks

babygoose48 · 04/12/2018 06:29

I’m so sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Original poster
Herja · 04/12/2018 11:13

I keep trying to remember him. Just remember, not think. He was not perfect, but to me and for me he was. He was only 34. His name is Luke. He was beautiful. And I can remember his hand in mine and him pulling me against his chest so vividly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herja · 04/12/2018 19:55

I spoke to his mum today. I have health anxiety about other people. I'd made him plan his own funeral a long time ago. It turns out it came in handy, at least I could tell her what he wanted. And I went to see one of his friends, I wanted someone to grieve with me. I found someone and I feel worse for it; it makes it more real that my poor darling is gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herja · 04/12/2018 19:57

He, him, his, was, would, he'd. His mame is Luke. Not his or was, Luke. Luke. Luke. He is my favorite person on the world. The one person who understands me. And now he is gone. He is gone and I need him.

OP posts:
FairyFace · 04/12/2018 20:07

Op Im so sorry for your loss but you sound like you need help and support right now, you also need to realise your kids are alive and need you, Luke is gone and you have your lovely memories of him, but you have to pull yourself together for your kids sake. Maybe try and take what strength he gave you whilst alive and think how he would want you to stay strong.

Original poster
Herja · 10/12/2018 07:22

I'm flying for Luke's funeral today. I will be in Scotland all alone. Just waiting. The funeral is on Wednesday and the only way I can be there is to go today.

I found out from one of his friend's that he hadn't been in bed. Just on the floor, beside his bed. He was cold and alone. I knew he looked like he'd been sleeping and I must have turned that in to in bed in my head.

If he looked asleep and was on the floor, it must have been quick, right?

I can find no redeeming feature for any of this. I usually can. This has been the most awful period of my life and this week will be harder.

I miss him so very much. I want to see him, but his mum won't talk to me, so I don't know where he is.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 10/12/2018 07:53

Oh, Herja, I’m so sorry, honestly if I was anywhere near I’d offer to come and hang out with you for a while. Is there really no-one there you know who could hold your hand for a bit? I’m so sorry his mum won’t talk to you. Everyone who knew him must be in shreds. Can a friend tell you where he is? I’m reluctant to ‘advise’ anything but sending virtual handhold and love. Keep posting if it helps. When's your flight and what time will you arrive? xx

Original poster
Herja · 10/12/2018 08:05

I'm not sure when the flight is, but I knkw I have to leave my house at 10. I get there in the afternoon.

I know people there, but in the village he lived in, not the city. I'm staying in Inverness. I don't know if I can face going to the village. It was my favorite place in the world and everything will be wrong. How can I go there with no one to call the deer for me, or push me on the swings they built?

OP posts:
slappinthebass · 10/12/2018 09:42

Why won't his mum speak to you?

onalongsabbatical · 10/12/2018 09:43

Have a safe flight and take care of yourself. Can anyone you know from the village come and send some time with you?

Original poster
Herja · 10/12/2018 11:25

Because she just found her son dead on his bedroom floor and she's a bit spun out.

I'm at the airport. It seems the flight isn't for 2 hours. This is hideous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herja · 10/12/2018 11:28

Because I asked her to ho to him. She didn't and then when she did he was dead.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 10/12/2018 11:42

Together we sort of made one functional person.

I felt like this about my H. He died 11 years ago.

I know this won't help right now, but it will get easier.

Is there anything right now that we can do to help you? Cheesy songs on YouTube, links to hilarious airport fails, cute animal pics?

nessus · 10/12/2018 12:28

Herja my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you have woken to this nightmare. I know sadly from personal experience that you will forget how to breathe often over the coming months (and even years), but just keep breathing. Take it one breath at a time.

This week will be hard and unreal. Please be gentle with yourself and only do as much as you are able especially in these early days.

Luke loved you and he died knowing you love him. You brought light and love into the last 2 years of his life.

I couldn't comprehend when it was said to me, but the pain of loss does indeed transmute over time to take on a form that we can bear.

You write beautifully and I second a PP, write and set your heart out. Emails, letters, sms.

You have your children, friends, family (and a whole bunch of strangers on MM) all caring for you right now. Please know that support is there whenever you need it.

Original poster
Herja · 11/12/2018 08:06

And so I've woken up in Scotland. I had nightmares and there was no one to talk to. Last night things were moving in my room and there waas no one to stop it.

Today I am seeing him and it won't be him. Today I am going to the village he lived in, where I was meant to live one day, where we were both so happy. Because I don't know if I can ever come here again and I need to say goodbye to the place I loved so much, where every inch is filled with memories. Say goodbye to the life we'd planned as well as the person that I love.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herja · 11/12/2018 16:50

I went to see him. He'd hit his head. He had a small patch of blood pooled in the side of his ear where he'd been lying on his back. They'd done something to make the split in his lip go for the first time in 10 years. His mouth had been closed too tight, so his jaw was clenched. He looked so much like him and not. He felt like him but cold, but his hands and wrists, his face, his hair felt like him. His lips. And most bisarrely, whatever they'd put on his lips tasted like the blueberry vape stuff he used, so he tasted like him too

OP posts:
bumbother · 11/12/2018 21:10

Will be thinking of you tomorrow @Herja.

Try and get some sleep tonight Thanks

SingaSong12 · 19/01/2019 23:09

Herja- wanted to say hello and best wishes Flowers

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