Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My boyfriend died.

96 replies

Herja · 01/12/2018 13:38

I found out yesterday that my boyfriend has died. We had a long distance relationship and I had not been able to get hold of him, his mum went to check on him and found him.

He was quite troubled, but was the only person who understood me completely in the whole world. Despite his problems he was a most amazing person, I loved tge way his mind worked. He was so funny and so kind and I miss him so very much already.

I last spoke to him on Monday morning. On Monday night I called and he tried to answer I think. He was found on Thursday. I have anxiety around people I love dying, so I was worried something was wrong from Monday night. We normally spoke by message a few times an hour.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

OP posts:

Renarde1975 · 01/12/2018 19:52

Im so very sorry for your loss x

ILYJG · 01/12/2018 20:56

My boyfriend died September 16th and honestly I was in shock for about a month before it really sunk in. I hurt every day and really miss him. I understand your pain you’re not alone even though you may feel as if you are, I know I do all the time. Hang in there.

Original poster

Herja · 01/12/2018 21:06

I knew he was dead. It was the only reason he wouldn't speak to me for so long. I knew he was dead and no one believed me. He was all on his own.

OP posts:

Itsacakebaby · 01/12/2018 22:56

He sounded lovely.

Original poster

Herja · 02/12/2018 04:19

I just woke up dreaming that I was wrong. Dreaming that they'd made a mistake. I don't know how to do this.

OP posts:

Snog · 02/12/2018 04:39

I'm so sorry OP for your tragic loss.
You write so beautifully about your bf and with so much love.

Be gentle with yourself

SimplySteve · 02/12/2018 06:20

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Topgirl1 · 02/12/2018 07:36

There is an organisation called “widowed and young” that I recommend you join if you are in the UK. It’s an amazing charity set up to offer peer to peer support for people who’s partner have died young.
My husband died suddenly three years ago. WAY have been a lifeline to me.
Sending love x

Original poster

Herja · 02/12/2018 10:42

He was only 34. I'm 28. I always used to joke with hime about what we'd do when we were grown up. I've never reaally felt like I did. I'm 28. He was the person I loved most in the world that I didn't birth. I wanted to have a baby with him. He was meant to be here again so soon. I don't feel old enough to cope with this. I feel like I did when my stepdad died when I waas 13, only worse. But I can't make sense of it in exactly the same way.

He was there for everything. My memory is odd. I can remember up until I ws 3 and then not until I was 12. I met him when I was still a child. He protected me for every awful part of my life and I wasn't there for the end of his. I wasn't there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Herja · 02/12/2018 10:44

That makes no sense. The whole of my memory is filled with him. I can remember entire converstions we had when I was 15. I love him. My life is gone.

OP posts:

Bath9000 · 02/12/2018 10:47

I’m so, so sorry for your loss
Sending you hugs x

Innocentconglomeration · 02/12/2018 10:53

Op. Please don’t take this the wrong way but I think you need to remember. He was an alcoholic. This relationship was never going to grow into a mature relationship unless he gave up drink. You were always going to be looking out for him and worrying about him and highs and lows - I’ve been there. You were never going to be able to have him in your kids lives.

I know it’s nice to remember him fondly but you’re idealising him and that isn’t going to help your mental health. Been there done that too.

He had feet of clay. Don’t forget that. Remember the whole person.

Nanalisa60 · 02/12/2018 11:00

I’m so sorry for you to loss. Losing anyone is always hard but at this time of year it just the worst. He was obviously a special but maybe troubled man just remember all the good times you had together and keep them in your heart.

Katgurl · 02/12/2018 11:19

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Herja · 02/12/2018 14:27

I know @innocentconglomoration. That's exactly why it was a long distance relationship. I knew he couldn't be part of my childrens lives properly. But I can be entirely mental. I'm better at disguising it than him. We both did the part of each others lives that the other couldn't. I'm under no illusion that he was a perfect person. Just he was for me. Neither of us could be in a proper relationship with anyone really. We each had too many faults. But with each other, that was ok. We each knew all of them. I did and I do idolise him, because for me he was the only person who could still see me through everything; the real one rather than one of the hundred different fake ones I use to make life possible. He was an alcoholic, I am obsessive, delusional, frequently mentally ill and there are many things that I simply cannot face. Together we sort of made one functional person. Everything I couldn't do he did and I did the same for him. I knew his life would be hard. My plan was that when my children were grown I would move there to look after him, to keep him as safe as I could. His problems were enormous, but I would have happily taken them. I know what living with an alcoholic is like. I wouldn't do that to my children, but I would, and wanted, to do it when I could. I love him so very much. I never expected him to not drink or fix his life, i just wanted him to keep going until I could hold everything together for him. He drank mostly because he found life hard, and I could fix all the bits he found difficult. Just like he did with me.

OP posts:

onalongsabbatical · 02/12/2018 15:05

Herja I’m really feeling for you. You write with such love and light and honesty. I don’t know what else to say. But there are people out here listening, if it makes you feel the tiniest bit less alone. So sorry that you are going through this.

ILYJG · 02/12/2018 19:32

we were planning on having kids as well and I believe I actually had a miscarriage due to how upset I was from finding out he had died. I know what you mean about knowing he is gone because he isn’t responding I felt that way as well. I actually got out in my car to go look for him (because he wrote motorcycles for a living and I thought maybe he had wrecked) and I got a call from my coworker saying he was at the hospital but that he was in critical care. I made it there and ran up to the ICU and they told me he was in emergency and I just had that horrible feeling. When I went down to emergency they put me in a private room and I had to explain I was his fiancé and he didn’t talk to his family I was his only family and he was my only family we were all each other had they then told me he died and offered for me to see him. After awhile of me losing it I asked to see him because I just needed to see and when I walked in the room the hospital hadn’t even closed his mouth or eyes so he was staring up at me with wide horrified eyes mouth open blood coming out of his ears etc. But he was gone and it feel s like my heart left with him. I’ve been struggling we worked at the same business and every day I walk by his desk which has turned into a memorial for him and I just want to be where he is. Wherever he is.

joystir59 · 02/12/2018 20:02

Your post has me crying OP. So sorry for your loss .

BundyLancroft · 02/12/2018 22:06

OP, I'm so so sorry to hear what happened.

You write so beautifully about him and about your relationship. I wonder if you could write down these things, your feelings, and all the highs and lows you remember, in a special notebook that you can keep, reflect on and remember from time to time. It would keep his memory alive and also be quite a good way of pouring out your grief, sorrow and also reliving the happy times.

Take care.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/12/2018 22:13

Oh op I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sending you hope and strength and my very best wishes xxx

Bagadverts · 02/12/2018 22:22

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Is there anyone irl who can support you either just to be there or to help with childcare or practical arrangements?

bumbother · 03/12/2018 17:57

How are you today @Herja? X

YouCouldBeMe · 03/12/2018 21:35

I hope you have RL support

Original poster

Herja · 04/12/2018 03:11

I have a lot of support. My children's dad has them because I was scaring them. I kept being fine until I found myself on the floor screaming. I've had people here the entire time. But I feel fucking angry, everyone pities me, they feel sorry for me, sorry for my loss. He put so much effort in to hating the world that I am left with no one who knew the same person I did. I don't want their fucking pity. I want someone to mourn him alongside me. And there's no one. To everyone else, he was just another alcoholic. And so he doesn't matter, only I do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Herja · 04/12/2018 03:14

He's been dead for a week now and I've only known since Friday. Every time I try and eat and every time I sleep it's taking him further away from me.

I don't want that. I want the entire world to stop turning. I do not see how I can carry on without him and I do not want to.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread