How to be 'good enough'

[ShadowTheSheepdog]

Just that. How do you become 'good enough'?

I grew up in an abusive household. I know it wasn't right. Intellectually, I know that the fault lay with my parents. I know that I wasn't born 'unloveable'. I know that I wasn't any different to any other child when I was born.

But I was taught, and shaped and moulded and I became unloveable. I lack any and all confidence; I feel guilt, shame, humiliation if I am 'visible'.

I work at a very low level at work, despite having a masters degree and working in a professional role, because I feel sick with panic at making any autonomous decision - I fear being 'told off', mocked, humiliated, shamed for making a mistake.

I am terminally single because I lack the confidence to be in a relationship. I feel shame on the other person's behalf that I'm the 'best they can do' or that they think I'm good enough.

I play in a band. I love it but I have this horrible cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when we play. After a gig, we always go and have a drink in the bar. The other band members are chatting to each other and the crowd but I can't. I avoid eye contact and hideaway or leave the building and stand outside to get some fresh air.

It's all because I don't feel 'good enough'.

Over the years, I've volunteered; pushed myself out of my comfort zone and tried new hobbies but haven't been able to improve my confidence. I have confidence around 'things' but not around people. So I know that I know my job inside out but it's the other people aspect of it that I struggle with. So I know I know my stuff in the band. I'm good at what I do. But I can't tolerate other people. My deepseated belief is that people are critical of me; that they think I'm shit at what I do; that they merely tolerate my presence/role; that compliments are insincere and given in the hope that something, anything might improve me.

I can dance (swing) but gave it up because I couldn't tolerate being 'visible' at social dances.

All of my relationships have been disastrous. I don't feel I'm worthy, or capable, of being loved. I only ever go out with men who don't think they could do any better so are willing to settle for me. I have been single for a few years now and have finally accepted it won't ever be any different. I'm comfortable with that, just a bit sad that's how it is.

When I was younger, a lot of my boyfriends had drug/alcohol problems; as an adult, my relationships haven't been loving or faithful.

I know I sound pathetic. You wouldn't see any of this if you knew me in real life. I mask it well.

I just believe that I'm not good enough on such a fundamental level that I'm not really sure whether I can change it. Maybe it's just the truth.

Sorry. That's all just so garbled and self indulgent. Sorry.

I think most people have doubts occasionally about whether they're likeable or not but yours seems to be in overdrive probably because of the past. You are more than good enough. To achieve a masters degree is fantastic! And swing dance too. Have you thought about accessing some counselling to help with your self esteen and confidence?

You sound very intelligent and perceptive about yourself and others. You actually sound lovely and I think you will find people that recognise that. Have you had any counselling or been able to open up to anyone, as you have here? I have a feeling it would do you a power of good to have someone listen to you and marshal your thoughts.
You don't say how old you are but I think this stuff will fall into place for you eventually. I certainly hope it does, you deserve more fun from life!

I echo NewStartNow with their question about counselling (though therapy would be better, imo).

Thanks for the replies.

Sadly, I'm nearly 44. As the years go by, this only gets worse. I suppose it's because with each passing year there is more and more evidence to support how I feel.

I have had counselling several times and have used the strategies gained, which is how I went to university; had dance lessons; joined a band; have a job in the first place. But the impact is all very superficial.

I went to university as a single parent with no support - I had no choice. I went to dance lessons on my own because I had no one to go with. That kind of thing.

I find it really hard to explain. It's almost like my self confidence and self esteem are actually ok. I have developed strong boundaries over the past 5 years or so. That kind of thing but, when I see myself through the eyes of others, I see what my parents saw.

I can't afford therapy. Largely due to the way I work. I live a very frugal lifestyle - I cover expenses and keep my costs low but I don't have spare money.

That’s so tough OP.

Unashamed huge unmumsnetty hug for you

BACP are good and do not charge the earth; it would be worth contacting them even though cash is tight. Please consider doing this for you. You are worth investing in .

I loved this OP:

www.audible.co.uk/pd/Home-Coming-Audiobook/B004EVM1W6?source_code=M2M30DFT1BkSH121515013C&ipRedirectOverride=true

Ps you’re in a band, can dance, put yourself through Uni as a single parent? You sound fucking awesome.

I think it's true to say that everyone here is seeing you as fucking awesome, as above. I feel like giving you a big hug.

You sound lovely, op. Perhaps give hypnosis a try, if you can get the CDs it's not too expensive (e-bay) I had some good results using a hypnosis CD, it wasn't a blinding flash more of a slow burn over some months.

Im with Atrocious. You sound awesome. I would struggle not to hate you but only because of jealousy because l would give anything to be able to dance. And play in a band..wow.
Psychotherapy that really gets to the root of your issues from childhood would help. If you found a final year student its usually free as they have to put in the hours.
Or some kind of support group where you could see that others have struggles and are often only pretending to have it all together.
Some books are very useful too to explain family dynamics. I have been really helped in my own life by systematically working through a book following the tips. Maybe someone here would have a suggestion for one that would hit the spot for you.

There are some good resources at the start of the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Thanks. At the moment, I just feel like I'm waiting for it all to be over.

I did those things to give me more confidence but, if anything, making myself visible and realising just how much impact this is having is just making it worse. I just want to hide away and wait for it all to disappear. I do those things now because they distract me from being alone with my thoughts

@AtrociousCircumstance said:

“you’re in a band, can dance, put yourself through Uni as a single parent? You sound fucking awesome.”

Read the freedom programme book, even if your problems aren’t specifically relationship related. And I don’t know it but what about a book like a woman in your own right? I’m sure other posters can recommend specific books. 8 habits of highly effective people is a good check in for where your life is unbalanced. His son’s book, for teens is even better.

Hallo Shadow

I could have written most of your story myself, so I completely get where you’re coming from.

My parents didn’t care for me, they let others do it; relatives, boarding school, and I have always felt utterly without value. As a result I made a lot of reckless choices as a teenager- maybe attention seeking- drug and alcohol abusers, single parent. I went to university, good degree, but I have zero self esteem and worry constantly about my performance at work even though I probably work well below my capability. People can’t understand how I appear to have such potential but just don’t trust myself.

Having had counselling galore, now I am having psychotherapy on Nhs luckily. I’m on long term antidepressants and anxiety has skyrocketed since the menopause.

I just wanted to share my experience and acknowledge your pain. Maybe we will never feel good enough. ACE’s have lifelong impacts.

Some practitioners offer psychotherapy for free or for a reduced rate for those on low incomes. That might be worth exploring.

It sounds to me like you’re talking about childhood trauma. The thing with trauma, and the resulting shame, is that because the damage happened in relationship, the healing also needs to happen in relationship too. So the type of counselling that is based on strategies isn’t really going to be that effective - it needs to be psychotherapy that’s focused on the relationship between the two of you.

“For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that “unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.”…The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation” - Bruce Perry

There are days I could have written this. There are other days I feel like I truly am the smart savvy woman that other people see.

But I know that other people telling you you sound kickass Doesn’t help, because that makes you feel even more guilty for not being able to feel good about what you’ve done/become?

I wish I knew how to help you, because I do understand how awful your feelings are. I did do therapy, and it helped a lot, but I lack resilience - when things are going wrong in life/work I know it’s all my fault because of the fundamental uselessness of me (and knowing those are buttons installed by my parents doesn’t stop me reacting to them being pushed)

If you really can’t do therapy, try reading Dorothy rowe’s Guide to life. V good on explaining to your logical brain why you feel like this and that it’s not your fault

See this is what I mean though about it being superficial. I know that people see that but it feels completely disconnected to who I am. I always say that I look pretty good on paper.

That is what I do and not who I am.

I think what I 'do' is good but the me behind it feels, as myidentify said, "utterly without value".

I fear people getting too close and seeing the person that my parents saw.

It sounds ridiculous but I tried to change everything about myself to make myself more acceptable to them. Everything I did was wrong/criticised to the point where I don't even really know who I am anymore.

“For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that “unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.”…The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation” - Bruce Perry

See, this is what scares me. I have no relationship in which to do this. I have no family and I'm single. I have children but that is a different sort of love and they are dependent on me. There is no one who has 'chosen' to love me. And there never has been.

Thanks for the recommendations. I'll work through them. I've done the Freedom Programme online - I can spot an abuser at 100 paces!

I just feel like I carry so much shame around with me.

I became pregnant in an abusive relationship when I was 23. I lived at the other end of the country and so had no choice but to go 'back home'. My mother had made it quite clear when I turned 18 that I was only there because she was 'doing her duty' until I finished my A Levels. The day after I was discharged from hospital with my baby, she made me homeless. We lived in a 'hostel' for nearly a year.

I carry the shame of that too. I feel so worthless that I can't bear to inflict myself on other people.

OP, I absolutely understand where you are coming from, as I had the same problem with toxic parents completely undermining my self esteem. My father used to shout “You’re hopeless, helpless and useless” at me on a daily basis, my mother continually criticised me, neither of them ever gave me any love or affection.
I too, still like to be “invisible”, and felt like an impostor in my job for years, despite being a competent hospital doctor.
May I share a couple of things that helped me, in the hope they may help you too?
First, I had therapy sessions in which I was given a new mantra to chant to myself. Instead of the “hopeless, helpless, useless” label, I was taught to repeat “I am loving, I am loved, I am able”.
To start with, I couldn’t accept it on an emotional level, even though I was demonstrably “able” professionally. But repetition helped to drum it in.
Secondly, my faith helped me. Whatever my parents thought of me, or whatever shit of their own they were projecting onto me - I became a Christian in my 30’s and discovered that I was loved unconditionally by God.
I cannot overemphasise what a difference that makes. To be accepted just as you are, to not have to make any effort to appear normal, to know that you are sustained, loved and comforted at all times. I carry that with me for support in social situations.
To summarise, I’d recommend you see a therapist, preferably a cognitive behavioural one, to start blocking the negative thoughts and self destructive beliefs, and replace them with helpful positive ones. And try out your local churches, to see if one of them would suit you, and provide a loving supportive community where you could socialise without fear and remind you every Sunday that you are loved.
Sending you a hug and some encouragement, OP. It is never too late to turn this around and triumph over your abusive childhood. God bless.

Is there just one person in your life you could open up to OP? A friend, one of your band mates?

What you’ve said about your parents makes me so angry OP. You deserved real unconditional love and support. You still do.

Babdoc

Thanks. I can see that. I have a similar mantra I try myself but it always feels hollow. I have 'love' related positive affirmation cards in a prominent position in my living room. I do read them and repeat them but it is somewhat 'hollow'.

I completely understand that about religion. I was christened CofE but I'm not a believer. I do have links with the Catholic church and am required to attend mass several times a year. I can see what people get from it. I find it powerful when we go up for Communion, obviously I only receive the blessing, but it's moved me to tears more than once because it feels so 'intimate'. And I know the priest believes it even if I don't!

My son knows a little of my background (and, therefore, his) and he tells me that I am strong and he admires me but I don't see it and I can't see the person he does. More than that, I feel guilty that he deserves so much more. He deserves a family who loves him and I can't give him that - we are very isolated really.

I did later marry but I know that he had misinterpreted feelings of pity and compassion as 'love' and the marriage was dead before it had even really begun. We stayed together for a long time but it wasn't a functioning marriage and that, in turn, became abusive due to the lack of love and resulting frustration he felt that he had 'trapped' himself. My son jokes that I managed to provide him with 2 fathers/dads and neither of them were much good. He doesn't hold it against me. But I think he feels sorry for me too and I hate that because he shouldn't feel like that.

Hi OP, so sorry how you are feeling, low self-esteem is an awful life spoiler!
I too had an abusive upbringing...I don't think my parents meant to be unkind, but looking back I think THEY suffered/still suffer with depression & poor opinions of themselves...they just ignored it themselves & projected it onto me (family emotional punch bag basically!). I then developed low self-esteem & depression myself...though I didn't, unlike them, deny it & project onto others.
I also realized I'm autistic, which can add to low self-esteem when you realise you don't seem to 'fit in'.
The good news is from my experience, despite your past experience of being treated poorly by others you CAN overcome low self-esteem & enjoy your life & feel much better...even really GOOD about yourself!
For me it was the books by the author
top psychiatrist Dr David Burns... I'm always recommending them.. unfortunately most people aren't interested don't know why, they are missing a trick!!
This workbook of his is amazing, really simple CBT exercises that can literally transform your mind in minutes (his first book 'Feeling Good' is great too) it's like you are having a personal therapy session with one of the world's best psychiatrists for only a few £££.

You disarm the 'im not good enough' voice in your head.

www.amazon.com/dp/0091825628/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_JENaCb01T8ZYY?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I can't add to the amazing advice you've had here but just want to say, from only what you've said... YOU.ARE.FUCKIN.AWESOME. You just need to start believing it yourself