How to be 'good enough'

[ShadowTheSheepdog]

Just that. How do you become 'good enough'?

I grew up in an abusive household. I know it wasn't right. Intellectually, I know that the fault lay with my parents. I know that I wasn't born 'unloveable'. I know that I wasn't any different to any other child when I was born.

But I was taught, and shaped and moulded and I became unloveable. I lack any and all confidence; I feel guilt, shame, humiliation if I am 'visible'.

I work at a very low level at work, despite having a masters degree and working in a professional role, because I feel sick with panic at making any autonomous decision - I fear being 'told off', mocked, humiliated, shamed for making a mistake.

I am terminally single because I lack the confidence to be in a relationship. I feel shame on the other person's behalf that I'm the 'best they can do' or that they think I'm good enough.

I play in a band. I love it but I have this horrible cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when we play. After a gig, we always go and have a drink in the bar. The other band members are chatting to each other and the crowd but I can't. I avoid eye contact and hideaway or leave the building and stand outside to get some fresh air.

It's all because I don't feel 'good enough'.

Over the years, I've volunteered; pushed myself out of my comfort zone and tried new hobbies but haven't been able to improve my confidence. I have confidence around 'things' but not around people. So I know that I know my job inside out but it's the other people aspect of it that I struggle with. So I know I know my stuff in the band. I'm good at what I do. But I can't tolerate other people. My deepseated belief is that people are critical of me; that they think I'm shit at what I do; that they merely tolerate my presence/role; that compliments are insincere and given in the hope that something, anything might improve me.

I can dance (swing) but gave it up because I couldn't tolerate being 'visible' at social dances.

All of my relationships have been disastrous. I don't feel I'm worthy, or capable, of being loved. I only ever go out with men who don't think they could do any better so are willing to settle for me. I have been single for a few years now and have finally accepted it won't ever be any different. I'm comfortable with that, just a bit sad that's how it is.

When I was younger, a lot of my boyfriends had drug/alcohol problems; as an adult, my relationships haven't been loving or faithful.

I know I sound pathetic. You wouldn't see any of this if you knew me in real life. I mask it well.

I just believe that I'm not good enough on such a fundamental level that I'm not really sure whether I can change it. Maybe it's just the truth.

OP I could have written your post almost word for word (even the band and the dancing! The MA and the low paid job etc). I really get it. No one has ever loved me, I’ve never been in a serious relationship with someone who reciprocated, 34 desperate for kids of my own but have given up on relationships.

I find watching Videos by Richard Grannon and Ross Rosenberg on YouTube are helping. Ross talks about the original wound from childhood, deep loneliness etc.

This video is a good introduction;

m.youtube.com/watch?v=u5iKCIFT9eI

He recommendeds psychotherapy. I’ve never managed to talk about relationships or early childhood with my counsellor but I’d like to try in the new year. The idea is to heal the original wound and then somehow you feel healed.

I do so much alone. I’d love to have a relationship that was loving and healthy but I don’t know how to let love in yet.

You are so not alone. We are in this with you. I hope that one day you can see you really are enough and always have been 💐

Just wanted to add, that quote from that guy about 'can't love yourself unless loved by someone else/others' is not true!! Ignore it. There are plenty of people surrounded by loving family & friends who still don't like themselves!....and plenty of people who are not surrounded by loving family etc who DO like themselves.....it really does come from 'within'.

My own experience is liking yourself & enjoying life is just the absence of the horrible, cruel voice in your head...it might not happen overnight, but it can happen pretty quick.

It is true. It might not be people who you’d think - family, friends etc, but if you are able to love yourself there will always be someone who has loved you, believed in you, shown you that you are of value. You cannot truly believe that relationships can be safe and nurturing if you’ve never experienced that. You can know it as a theory but until you’ve experienced it, you won’t truly believe it’s possible for you.

Okay, so..if it is true. That loving/liking yourself only can be possible because of being liked/ loved by someone else
What if that person who 'loves' you has a bad day/week/year ...as most people do .. and doesn't seem very 'loving' anymore... you've attached your whole self esteem to THEIR approval of you...do you crash & burn? Are you now 'unlovable'?? Do you desperately seek out someone else to love you..so you can love yourself again.
Or do you stop seeking out external approval... that can come & go...or just decide to approve of yourself.. without external approval?? What's the best thing to do?!

And surely needing approval from others..or another to 'show you what love is'... means you think others are superior to you?? That they know better than you?? Why would they?

You sound like a total warrior.

I think psychotherapy would be a really good idea. Your counselling has given you the tools to get through life and cope on a superficial level but now you need to go more deeply into the childhood trauma I think to really find some lasting peace.

Would it help to think of the issues as an attachment disorder? Not being loved in childhood does create a very real 'condition'. Sometimes it helps to give things a name?

Goodness no it’s not about external approval at all, that’s entirely different. This is about learning to value yourself through the process of being loved - being accepted for who you are, just as you are, without needing to change based on how someone else feels about various aspects of your self. We’re social beings, we develop a sense of self in relationship with others. If you don’t learn it as a baby with an attentive, attuned, nurturing mother or father, you will need to learn it at a later time with someone else.

Be liked & loved by others is great...but it's a 'nice to have'..a great addition to liking yourself, rather than a 'need to have'.
'Needing' to be loved & liked by others could be a slippery slope to an abusive relationship with someone who sees your neediness.

What could be better than being your own best friend... you're never alone when you've got your 'self'...bit sickly sounding but IMO true

I have had counselling several times and have used the strategies gained, which is how I went to university; had dance lessons; joined a band; have a job in the first place. But the impact is all very superficial.

This is why counselling doesn't really work a lot of the time. You have to go through the hard feelings and experiences, which is what therapy addresses. It's crap, and it diassembles you - and that's the point. You come out the other side the same, but different.

I write as someone who can wholly personally relate to your OP. Therapy has been integral to finding myself again.

@MissMalice....what happens to those who don't meet this amazing loving person who shows them how to love themselves? You could waste lifetime waiting for them to turn up? I know where you're coming from & for many people that loving person might have turned up & helped them.
But what's wrong with using therapy to get there if it works? Did for me.

I never said anything against therapy or anything about waiting for someone to turn up. I spent 10 years in therapy recovering from my childhood - best thing I ever did.

My therapist became my safe, loving, attuned, nurturing “parent”. First we worked on me being able to trust her enough to have that position, then we worked through the parenting I never received and then I learned how to support myself without her.

I think you sound amazing, I don't hear anything more than what's happened to other people who seem 'perfect' from looking in. We all have failed relationships and setbacks, no-one walking along the street that you see has had no setbacks no matter how amazing they seem. I'm not saying everyone will have had the same childhood and not downplaying that, it sounds like it's ingrained these feelings into you. You say you can't tolerate people because you think they're being critical but I think that is because you have been brought up to be so critical of yourself.

It wouldn't matter if you made a mistake or weren't 'good enough' at something, none of us are perfect. It's negative self talk from the people that brought you up. It takes a lot of work but you have to change your thoughts and every time you hear that negative narrative starting in your head you have to say stop and replace it with a more realistic postive thought. Maybe have others have said, some counselling will help.

You've achieved a lot, you should be proud of yourself!

That sounds fantastic! Really good that you found a great therapist.
I'd have loved that, but unfortunately didn't have the money.
Luckily there was an alternative for me with the self help CBT books.

I'm sorry OP. I think you sound amazing.

@GourmetGold, I'm in a similar position to you. Also autistic and the family scapegoat. They love me conditionally, unconditionally. I don't doubt my family love me, but they love me when and how it's easy for them and blame/use me without thinking. I adore them and I know my mother would walk through fire for me but she has said most of my life that everything happens for a reason and the reason I was put here was to torture her not sure why she ever thought that appropriate to say.

OP I realised very early that my confidence needs to come from within, my family were not going to build it and I had no friends. I did the fake it till you make it and it's working. It was horrific at first but now it's second nature and people often comment on how confident and self assured I am.

Another person who thinks that therapy rather counseling to support you may be the best way forward.
Bruce Perry does a lot of work with dc, I wonder if he was talking about the importance of young people receiving love. It is important, you have described the impact of not having it.
It is much harder learning to love if you haven't experienced it but you have, your dc loves you.
Try and think of love as care rather than romantic love, positive emotional connections.
Bad childhoods are damaging but not irreparably so we the right support.

@GourmetGold - I’m glad the CBT books helped you. As it happens I spent most of my time in therapy as a single parent on a very low wage, at times with no wage at all. We all make different choices, the important thing is that we choose what’s right for us

I am in love with you based on how you write about yourself. You sound beyond amazing.

Is there a chance you could work with babies or children in foster care situations? You had a difficult time growing up because you didn't have that positive loving person when you were a child. Is it possible that you could throw the towel in on "fixing yourself" and redirect your efforts simply to preventing this happening to the next child?

To me you absolutely deserve to feel differently to what you do - but - possibly as long as you're striving for it, the focus will feel too much on you and it won't work out. would radically changing your idea of what your life is "for" perhaps be the thing that helps you find a new energy?

@NameChange, sorry to hear you've also had that unpleasant experience with your family using you as a scape goat

It always shocks me to the core the unbelievably cruel things people.. (especially family!)..think it's okay to say!!. It's like they think it's okay to abuse you just so they can feel better..like they've got the right to do so, especially parents who think they own you.
I think these are painfully sad & unhappy people if the only kick/thrill they get is putting someone else down...like they're so superior..what a joke.
Glad you've found that strength from within to value yourself, despite this poor treatment

Hi op, my ex grew up in an abusive home. I don't believe it was deliberately, but his mother was notaffectionate and never told him or his sister she lov d them. She was also very critical. Both of them are unable to express affection, cannot hold on to relationships.

My ex is very bright but worked in a job that was well below his intellectual ability. He was afraid to climb the ladder, afraid to ever be "seen" out of fear of humiliating himself.

After we split I looked into his issues/symptoms and discovered he ticked every box for Avoidant Personality Disorder. Might be worth a look.

I second psychotherapy. Go get the life you want and deserve. You sound lovely.

Reading the OP's post - I think you could be on the autism spectrum. Yes, you have other issues due to your upbringing but I think it's a possibility.
It's apparently easier for females to mask it than men. Why don't you look it up, especially Aspergers - high functioning autism? Being uncomfortable around people and feeling like you don't fit in matches a lot of the symptoms. Whilst it may not help you, at least it will make you understand why you feel the way you do and accept it.
Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree, just another angle.

OP, you are me, pretty much to a T.
It took me 40 years to realise I can’t do something basic like name my feelings, and that, in my book, is pretty f**d up.
You are not alone.

I thought long and hard about love.
Did you know it’s on the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? In the middle.

He is my, albeit half baked, thought on love.

I have never been loved until I had my DD.
Tried to look back: I chased it, I compromised for it, I made a lot of mistakes, but the first time anybody loved me was when my DD was holding on to my cheek when she was breastfeeding. I didn’t know that at the time. She continues to love me, I am scared of the day she won’t.

I do a job I love. I’m really good at what I do.

I have a group of friends that love me and I love them back.

I have achieved some pretty spectacular (for me) stuff.

As you say, on paper I’m awesome.

Deep inside though it’s not that great. I feel unloveable. I am reading the book suggested upthread, the Home Coming one. I had to put it to one side for a while, it took me the best part of 3 months to start being ok with looking at a photo of me as a child. It’s by my bed, now it greets me in the morning and I smile at it, it’s the first thing I do.

The thing is, I miss/want intimate love. As in someone I can come home to and be myself and not be worried I’ll be trampled on.

I too am worried I am not good enough.
I’ll come back, dinner is nearly ready.

It might be worth investigating EMDR Therapy?