How to be 'good enough'

[ShadowTheSheepdog]

Just that. How do you become 'good enough'?

I grew up in an abusive household. I know it wasn't right. Intellectually, I know that the fault lay with my parents. I know that I wasn't born 'unloveable'. I know that I wasn't any different to any other child when I was born.

But I was taught, and shaped and moulded and I became unloveable. I lack any and all confidence; I feel guilt, shame, humiliation if I am 'visible'.

I work at a very low level at work, despite having a masters degree and working in a professional role, because I feel sick with panic at making any autonomous decision - I fear being 'told off', mocked, humiliated, shamed for making a mistake.

I am terminally single because I lack the confidence to be in a relationship. I feel shame on the other person's behalf that I'm the 'best they can do' or that they think I'm good enough.

I play in a band. I love it but I have this horrible cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when we play. After a gig, we always go and have a drink in the bar. The other band members are chatting to each other and the crowd but I can't. I avoid eye contact and hideaway or leave the building and stand outside to get some fresh air.

It's all because I don't feel 'good enough'.

Over the years, I've volunteered; pushed myself out of my comfort zone and tried new hobbies but haven't been able to improve my confidence. I have confidence around 'things' but not around people. So I know that I know my job inside out but it's the other people aspect of it that I struggle with. So I know I know my stuff in the band. I'm good at what I do. But I can't tolerate other people. My deepseated belief is that people are critical of me; that they think I'm shit at what I do; that they merely tolerate my presence/role; that compliments are insincere and given in the hope that something, anything might improve me.

I can dance (swing) but gave it up because I couldn't tolerate being 'visible' at social dances.

All of my relationships have been disastrous. I don't feel I'm worthy, or capable, of being loved. I only ever go out with men who don't think they could do any better so are willing to settle for me. I have been single for a few years now and have finally accepted it won't ever be any different. I'm comfortable with that, just a bit sad that's how it is.

When I was younger, a lot of my boyfriends had drug/alcohol problems; as an adult, my relationships haven't been loving or faithful.

I know I sound pathetic. You wouldn't see any of this if you knew me in real life. I mask it well.

I just believe that I'm not good enough on such a fundamental level that I'm not really sure whether I can change it. Maybe it's just the truth.

@Backintheroom - I recommended EMDR to a very close friend who was raised by a narcissist. Unfortunately, quite early on in the sessions she started experiencing panic attacks for the first time ever and horrific dreams and after 3 months of weekly sessions her personality had completely changed to the point that she had become aggressive, was wishing people dead and threatening suicide. Her anxiety levels were so bad that she wasn’t coping at work and was a risk of losing her job and home. It was found that the personality change was due to the EMDR. It got worse with each session. I felt awful as I’d recommended it as heard it was good for childhood trauma. Apparently there are similar cases documented and it would seem in some of those cases to have caused irreversible damage. I’ll never know if she eventually recovered because she pushed me out of her life. I really wish I’d known all of this before I recommended it. She’d had many years of counselling and never reacted in the same way. Prior to this I had only heard good things about EMDR. Due to this experience, I’d be very careful with EMDR OP. Of course it’s only one person’s anecdotal evidence but there are other cases to look at which may help you to see if it’s worth taking a risk or not.

OP, I've felt as you have. And still do to some extent.
But I've found that there are some people you'll come accross that actively dislike you, from no fault of your own, others who neutural and some who like/admire you. It's this last group of people you need to focus on.
I never coukd take compliments from anyone because I was constantly comparing myself to others and thought in my head that although they say I'm pretty/clever/competent I'm no where near as good as so and so. But, no one is perfect. Take the complements as genuine praise. Because people do mean it.

And you are more than good enough. I don't know if you've heard of Marissa Peers but she's quite good at highlighting why people may think they're not good enough and why they then overachieve.

I'm also reading this fantastic book callled women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It's genuinly helping me and has changed my pwrspective on a lot of things. I recommend it for all women but especially if you're feeling that you're not good enough

Would like others recommend a good psychotherapist. I was a car crash in all ways until I finally found a jungian psychtherapist through the bacp. She changed my life over two years of lying on the couch, going over my life.

That was 15 years ago and I really do owe everything to her. There is still a lot of shit to deal with re my family esp my frankly sadistic mother and i will never be someone who is totally secure and together but I had a loving relationship with her that has always stayed with me ever since and that I have been able to replicate with others. She helped me grow up and take better care of myself, see myself as someone who deserved care.

I really hope you can find a way of making it happen, it will be worth it

@TooOld, I was thinking the same re Asperger's.
Mind you, since realising I'm Aspie I'm convinced nearly every other person is too!!

Hi. Thank you so much for all the responses! I had a gig last night so I wasn't able to reply. Typically, I'm sitting on the sofa this morning with the aftermath of being 'visible' and regretting the whole thing.

There are too many replies to respond individually, however I have read them and appreciate them all.

To respond to a few -

GourmetGold I understand what MissMalice was saying. It's not about being loved as some sort of validation and only valuing yourself as/if you are loved by that person. It's more that, unless you have had experience of 'love' and know what that means, it's just a word. I don't have much family - both my parents were only children and we didn't really have contact with their extended families so it was just my parents, my brother and me. There were no other people in our lives to love us. My brother is married and has a family now. He's differently affected by it all because I was the scapegoat and he was the golden child but it's still affected him. He does at least believe he deserves love though and assumed he would find it one day. His wife is also incredibly patient!!

TooOldForThis67 I have been referred for an ASD assessment twice. The second time I was put on a waiting list but heard nothing and the second I got an appointment but became overwhelmed equally both at the prospect of being diagnosed and not being diagnosed and didn't go. I'm too ashamed to go back a third time

It's really good to hear that other people have had such positive experiences of therapy. It's the being 'taken apart' bit that scares me though. A friend of mine spent £3.5k on therapy a couple of years ago. And she was a wreck - it 'ravaged' her. She is much improved as a result of it, and she returns to the therapist periodically when she needs a 'refresh'. But I saw what it did to her at the time and I just don't have the capacity for that whilst I have a child at home.

I find it difficult to focus on people who 'like' me because I don't really recognise that. I can tell when people don't like me. But neutral/like, I can't really tell the difference. I know some people find me frustrating. I find it quite easy to make friends but I don't keep them very well.

ShadyLady53 I've also heard good things about EMDR. That's really sad. I hope your friend recovers in the end.

8FencingWire I recognise everything you said there. With the difference that, I don't worry about my children not loving me anymore. I sometimes think it would be easier if they didn't. I feel like I'm letting them down constantly by not being good enough.

I've also bought Home Coming and not done anything with it for the same reason as you delayed. I only have one photo of me as a child - my mother has them all and I haven't seen her for nearly 7 years. I can't bear to look at it though. I'm about 7 months old, sitting on the living room floor. All I can see/hear when I look at that photo is everything my mum told me about that baby - that she was ugly; that she didn't sleep; that she didn't like to be hugged and pulled away; that she screamed all the time; that she was difficult to love. I'm not even sure I still have it, thinking about it, I think I might have thrown it away because it was too painful to look at.

My ex is very bright but worked in a job that was well below his intellectual ability. He was afraid to climb the ladder, afraid to ever be "seen" out of fear of humiliating himself.

I really get this! I have lots of skills I could use to work for myself - at least alongside my employment. I'd love to do it too. But I can't bring myself to take that risk because I'd be completely visible.

oiiiiiii I already work with children to improve their outcomes. I've also mentored children, adults and parents to improve their outcomes. I currently advocate for an adult with moderate autism and borderline LD after a chance encounter in a pub. We got chatting over a few weeks and I learned that he had no one helping him navigate life and a couple of things that he really did need to get sorted - together, we have turned his life around in the past 2 years.

I need a cup of tea.

Hi OP, thanks for your reply. We'll all I can say is I didn't have extended family to love me, my own parents didn't seem to love me, I was bullied at school, college, in nearly every workplace..but despite having nobody to love me, I do love myself and feel 'good enough' with just these books... just learning to drop the critical voice in my head & accepting myself warts & all has been enough for me to feel this.
I would like the same for everyone..it's just SO nice being able to enjoy life!
But I can TOTALLY see these techniques would not work everyone...infact they'd probably drive some people mad & be totally useless for them
Hope you go on to find what works for you, I'm sure you will, you sound a lovely person who deserves happiness

I forgot to post you this review of one of the books a recommended, if you decide to give it a go..