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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not coming home tonight?

76 replies

Kismetjayn · 30/11/2018 21:48

And should I amend that to 'ever'?

OH and I have not had an easy ride. I have childhood trauma related MH issues. We moved in and had a baby on the way within a year (unplanned). DD now nearly 4. I'm early 20s, he's mid 20s.

I got treatment for my issues as soon as I knew we were expecting, to the point where I went from being hopeless, all over the place, reckless living to the most stable, confident person, unrecognisable today. I'm thriving- raising a happy child, got amazing grades studying while raising her, and have a life-changing interview this week. It's a big one, you'd know why if I named the organisation but I've been sick with nerves leading up as apparently I really have a chance here. It's huge and would guarantee me success in working life which is huge for a mentally ill, unemployable former teen mum on benefits. I'm doing way better than anyone expected.

OH on the other hand has depression. He doesn't really manage it, he has lied to me several times about it. He avoids responsibility a lot and doesn't do much around the house but I cut him slack as poor work environment & depression. I have been very patient but gave him an ultimatum a couple of months ago: I want 3 things from him. I want him to treat his depression- I don't care how he starts but he needs to. I want him to be reliable about picking up DD- if I succeed at interview he will need to, or she will need to move schools closer to where I am to pick her up, in which case if DD and I have to move our lives away from him just so she is collected on time what relationship is there to save? And the third- to stop yelling at me, especially when he knows I'm going through intense trauma therapy, exam moderation & interview preparation so have a lot on my shoulders.

I don't think that was asking for much and it's certainly less than he asks of me. But he keeps throwing back how he stuck by me when I was at my worst, so I shouldn't complain.

Thing is we didn't have DD then and I was 18. I can't keep being blamed for that. Tonight, he's gone from being in a relatively nice mood- bought me an advent calendar yesterday, planning Xmas, was planning to cook a nice relaxing dinner for me today- to telling me over text to just put DD to bed as we need to talk. She was so excited to show him what she'd made in school and he kept saying he'd be home soon every time I asked from 5pm to 7:30, until finally he sent that. He had been in the pub.

8pm, he rang, drunk, and said he was feeling really fed up lately and I'm blaming him all the time for things that aren't his fault. He's not coming home tonight and isn't happy. He doesn't want to break up but this isn't working (???) And he's going to his mum's.

He lives like a teenage boy, staying out when he feels like it, having a go at me about money but spending it in the pub or on coffees and never telling me how much he spends on himself, waking up late for work and staying late to make up so I have to do everything for DD, and apparently I get as much free time as him because once a month I go to a meeting in the daytime but usually back for DD's dinner.

I'm tempted to say fuck it. You're so unhappy when I ask so little as for you to collect your daughter on one or two days a week and to take anti depressants once a day, when I have worked so hard, then fine. You're making me look after DD on my own, take her to all her events on her own, while you take off and get drunk, the weekend before my big interview, fine, I will do it on my own- permanently. Is that too extreme?

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 30/11/2018 22:03

Not at all. I'm surprised you waited this long. He sounds awful and the distance between you will only increase. Can you do the new big job as a single parent, logistically? Good luck btw.

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 30/11/2018 22:07

Logistically it wouldn't be easy per se, but would be easier than most jobs. They have good childcare arrangements.

OP posts:
RedLife · 30/11/2018 22:08

Sending you massive positive vibes for your interview!

As for your DH I'd let him crack on and tell him not to bother coming home until you've decided what you want.

NotANotMan · 30/11/2018 22:12

Oh just put this relationship out of its misery already. You will be so much better off without this millstone around your neck!

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 30/11/2018 23:13

Thank you!
I'm really upset about his timing, the more I think about it. He offered to cook me a nice dinner and give me a massage after I did some interview prep- there's a lot I have to do. And this is what I get instead! It's bloody hard to concentrate when wondering if your 10 year relationship has just come to an end. Unnecessarily selfish of him.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 30/11/2018 23:36

Move to nearer work and get on with your life. He can’t be relied on I’m afraid.

BackInTheRoom · 30/11/2018 23:45

Jealousy, he's jealous? You doing well makes him feel bad about himself? Drowning his sorrows and attention seeking? Nah, lock up and go to bed. Try not to get mad, just try and get to 'meh'.

Lineofbeauty · 30/11/2018 23:49

He may be depressed. Given the timing this is probably strategic jealousy as well. You've got your shit together, against the odd, and he ... hasn't. Probably feeling guilty he is struggling in life, and is blaming it all on you or externalising his poor self esteem.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/11/2018 23:59

Misery loves company lovely
He hasn't got your misery to console him anymore

You have grown and got your act together he's just sat there and watched you

You might have outgrown this relationship

But well done for doing so much work on yourself Thanks

altiara · 01/12/2018 00:18

Nope, not too extreme. He’s showing you what he thinks of you getting your life together isn’t he! Not just selfish, but trying to sabotage your efforts.
Take control, dump him and good luck with the interview!

QueenofallIsee · 01/12/2018 00:21

He is trying to sabotage you OP. He felt better about himself when you were perceived by him to be ‘worse’. Now he hasn’t you to compare himself favourably too, he is trying to drag you back down.

flossietoot · 01/12/2018 00:22

Do you know he is definitely at his mums?

Singletomingle · 01/12/2018 00:29

As a male who has been through depression he sounds awful and while depression takes many forms what you describe isnt depression. Hate to say it but you need to move on.

triwarrior · 01/12/2018 00:39

Best of luck for your interview. Regardless of what happens with your boyfriend, you sound tremendous! Strong and capable, kudos to you for overcoming your difficulties. Don't be held back by him.

AgentJohnson · 01/12/2018 01:36

You outgrew him and he has chosen not to grow and you can’t keep making excuses for him because this just enables him.

Despite his posturing, when he realises he can’t manipulate you into accepting his shit, he’ll be back. This is the moment to be strong and to ask yourself what you want for yourself and your daughter. Waiting for him to take responsibility is a strategy that isn’t working.

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 01/12/2018 01:37

Thank you so much, all. Re is he really at his mum's, I expect so. He usually sods off back there, but he usually has his brother there, so idk. Not ruling out possibility of OW but don't think so.

I have wondered too if it was sabotage. Recently in an argument he asked if I had to go back to work now, if I couldn't wait another year or two. I rattled off the long list of reasons why it couldn't wait a year or two- all the reasons we agreed on when I started studying & planning this career path- but since then it has been preying on my mind why he wants me at home. He says it's because he might be able to get a better job with less distance covered making it easier to pick up DD, but given he is the one messing up his hours, it's not exactly difficult now.

I've written out a bunch of recommendations from relate. I've reflected on what I could do better at. If he can honestly fill it out- reflect on his own shortcomings- and come up with an action plan, we can try that until after Christmas.

If not... Does anyone have any resources on separation (not married, joint tenants, child?)

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 01/12/2018 01:40

Well done you.
Think agree with others about he can't cope with your success.
When this happens he has to come up to your leave with you or leave .
This has happened a few times to me and it is confusing.
Grown together or drift apart.
You did good Thanks
Good luck with the interview.

Robin2323 · 01/12/2018 01:42

'Come up to your level'

Blondebakingmumma · 01/12/2018 04:43

Hmmm
Interesting timing re drunk tantrum and running back to mummy. Screams sabotage to me.
Good luck with the interview!
He owes you a huge apology. Like pp have suggested it sounds like you have outgrown him 🌸🌸

Monty27 · 01/12/2018 04:53

Congratulations on all your successes and hope there are many more to come.
Yes he's licking his wounds and scared he's being left behind.
Don't let him hold you back.
Leave him to wallow if he doesn't step up.
Best of luck OP you should be proud of yourself Flowers

Cawfee · 01/12/2018 04:59

Don’t let him distract you from your interview prep. He’s trying to sabotage you

KeiTeNgeNge · 01/12/2018 06:04

Sounds like he is trying to sabotage you. Not sure there is any point trying to push through Xmas - he has had ample opportunity to address his depression and hasn’t. Have a think about what you want and what would make life easier for the two of you.

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 01/12/2018 06:14

Mm, I have been wondering that, it's mainly for DD's benefit as she does love him and has been so looking forward to Christmas. On the one hand, I feel like in fairness to her we should at least try to have a nice time especially as it would take a while to get things sorted.

On the other hand that might be an excuse for me to put off the hard work a bit longer. Don't know where my mind is with that right now.

OP posts:
ohamIreally · 01/12/2018 07:47

As soon as I read this I thought sabotage and I see other PP have come to the same conclusion.
If this is the case it will escalate as the interview approaches. Please don't let him drag you down OP you sound so together and switched on.
Forging ahead with your plans is absolutely the best thing for your DD.

bethy15 · 01/12/2018 08:32

When you got together you was a mess, you had MH issues and was very vulnerable, he was happy with this.
Now you have got yourself into a good position in life and look to be in line to get a great job, great qualifications and just doing well with your daughter, and he's unhappy with this set up.

Certain men like women who are reliant on them and are weaker and vulnerable, and as soon as they have themselves together and realise they can stand on their own two feet, they don't like it so much and attempt to pull them back down.

That seems to be what's going on here. It seems that the two of you can never be satisfied in this relationship.