He's not coming home tonight?

[Kismetjayn]

And should I amend that to 'ever'?

OH and I have not had an easy ride. I have childhood trauma related MH issues. We moved in and had a baby on the way within a year (unplanned). DD now nearly 4. I'm early 20s, he's mid 20s.

I got treatment for my issues as soon as I knew we were expecting, to the point where I went from being hopeless, all over the place, reckless living to the most stable, confident person, unrecognisable today. I'm thriving- raising a happy child, got amazing grades studying while raising her, and have a life-changing interview this week. It's a big one, you'd know why if I named the organisation but I've been sick with nerves leading up as apparently I really have a chance here. It's huge and would guarantee me success in working life which is huge for a mentally ill, unemployable former teen mum on benefits. I'm doing way better than anyone expected.

OH on the other hand has depression. He doesn't really manage it, he has lied to me several times about it. He avoids responsibility a lot and doesn't do much around the house but I cut him slack as poor work environment & depression. I have been very patient but gave him an ultimatum a couple of months ago: I want 3 things from him. I want him to treat his depression- I don't care how he starts but he needs to. I want him to be reliable about picking up DD- if I succeed at interview he will need to, or she will need to move schools closer to where I am to pick her up, in which case if DD and I have to move our lives away from him just so she is collected on time what relationship is there to save? And the third- to stop yelling at me, especially when he knows I'm going through intense trauma therapy, exam moderation & interview preparation so have a lot on my shoulders.

I don't think that was asking for much and it's certainly less than he asks of me. But he keeps throwing back how he stuck by me when I was at my worst, so I shouldn't complain.

Thing is we didn't have DD then and I was 18. I can't keep being blamed for that. Tonight, he's gone from being in a relatively nice mood- bought me an advent calendar yesterday, planning Xmas, was planning to cook a nice relaxing dinner for me today- to telling me over text to just put DD to bed as we need to talk. She was so excited to show him what she'd made in school and he kept saying he'd be home soon every time I asked from 5pm to 7:30, until finally he sent that. He had been in the pub.

8pm, he rang, drunk, and said he was feeling really fed up lately and I'm blaming him all the time for things that aren't his fault. He's not coming home tonight and isn't happy. He doesn't want to break up but this isn't working (???) And he's going to his mum's.

He lives like a teenage boy, staying out when he feels like it, having a go at me about money but spending it in the pub or on coffees and never telling me how much he spends on himself, waking up late for work and staying late to make up so I have to do everything for DD, and apparently I get as much free time as him because once a month I go to a meeting in the daytime but usually back for DD's dinner.

I'm tempted to say fuck it. You're so unhappy when I ask so little as for you to collect your daughter on one or two days a week and to take anti depressants once a day, when I have worked so hard, then fine. You're making me look after DD on my own, take her to all her events on her own, while you take off and get drunk, the weekend before my big interview, fine, I will do it on my own- permanently. Is that too extreme?

Hi again OP. Am I correct in thinking you’re not married ? I think you need legal advice regarding what he’s entitled to. If you’ve got until mid January that gives you a bit of time to get an initial appointment with a solicitor. I would advise that you do so ASAP, yes it’s an upfront cost but it can prove very worth it in the long run.

You sound very together now and switched on. I hope you get the job you went for but if you don’t, you will get another. Just keep at it until you do.
Your partner sounds abusive. He spends money on alcohol but complains about you needing to take a taxi, and you eventually don’t go out! That’s such a red flag, as is the sulking, drinking and you not being able to rely on him to pick up his own Dd.

Get your ducks in a row, get a job and ask him to leave. You will have a good life without him dragging you down at every opportunity.

And yes I agree with Jenny about getting legal advice about what you’re entitled to re your possessions. The Citizens Advice Bureau is brilliant and free. They do usually have a waiting list, so ring on Monday to get an appointment.

And Citizens Advice, also have a huge amount of info on their website.

He's an immature, selfish waste of space and the depression isn't the root cause of that. You, on the other hand, are clearly one of life's awesome people. You are an achiever. You can do this so much better on your own without his dead weight holding you back. Don't worry too much about details like what you'll get to keep from your current possessions. Obviously fight for what you want but don't let it delay you moving forward. Prioritise the problems to be solved and work through them.

You need to fly, you can't do that with him pulling you back down all the time. You sound absolutely amazing
Have you thought that he might not actually have depression at all but might just be a miserable, negative, lazy, alcohol dependant mil-stone? Has he had a diagnosis?
It's all about sabotaging your success. I can't get my head around him choosing not to pick up his own daughter as some kinda point scoring exercise

I just want to cheer you on. I'm afraid I have no practical knowledge of what he is entitled to (if anything) but wishing you the best as you have moved beyond this starter relationship by achieving so much and he hasn't.

Oh, thank you everyone :) that's right, we're not married.

And yeah- he didn't pick up DD on Wednesday, he got his mum to collect her after all. Then didn't let me know when he was home, or when she was home, until gone 8pm because 'they both fell asleep'.

Right. Citizens advice on Monday then. I've done benefits calculations and we should get by even if I've not been successful with the interview. I don't think he's abusive exactly, just thoughtless and lazy. The taxi was too expensive, which is fine, it was just his absolute rudeness about it when all I wanted was a straight answer about whether we could afford it with Christmas on the horizon.

He does have a diagnosis of depression. He was on the wait list for CBT but said it wasn't helping (obviously! He was only answering their check-in questions and hadn't started therapy yet!) So stopped answering their phone calls and was taken off the list (I was so angry).

Great, you're so organsied and on it!

OP everything he is now doing to to pull you back down to his level. Everything. He's manipulating and calculating every situation to make things as difficult as possible for you, I would absolutely consider relocating nearer your new place of employment if you are offered the role, if that would work better for you, and get everything into your own name now.

good luck Op you have done incredibly well given all your very difficult circumstances.

Thank you :) I think him walking out on us was the final straw, it made me start seriously looking into the reality of being a single parent rather than just the nebulous 'I won't put up with this' with no consequence. Turns out single parenting wouldn't be as bad as this (who knew?)

Ironic that his grand gesture to bring me to heel, is what has finally pushed me away.

Urgh okay I know I'm full of shit.

He signed up to the online thing, has been actually doing it, says he plans to write their weekly activities up and stick it on the fridge so I know he's doing them.

One half of me expects & wants him to fuck it up so I can break up with him. Even if he does improve, it can't fix the hurt caused. The other half says maybe he will stick at it this time and it's selfish of me to break up with him if he does because he will finally have done what I wanted him to and there will be no more issues.

I don't even know what I want any more. This is how I get suckered back in every time.

OP, he hasn't changed. He is paying you lip service so you won't chuck him out. Little morsels to keep you sweet and in your place. He isn't serious about changing. Trust me on this.

You have grown and have your shit together. He is at least another 10 years away from being mature enough to be a good partner, if he ever will.

Can you envisage what a weight will be lifted off your shoulders if you don't have this manchild to look after any more? If you don't try and rely on him, and be constantly let down, but just rely on yourself? Imagine a life without all the worry and doubt and disappointment.

It's good that he is finally making some moves to deal with his depression but that doesn't mean that you are contractually bound to stay with him.
Honestly, you can say if hsi depression eases a bit, he will be in a better place to deal with life on his own.
No one "deserves" a relationship

Continue on as you planned - discuss it all with CAB, get your ducks in a row, and take it one step at a time.
You said yourself you won't find out about the job until mid January - you don't want it to get to then and realise that the relationship is going nowhere and you then have to start at the beginning of sorting it all...

He's doing the minimum he can to stop you chucking him out..
without sounding too cynical, he could be finding lists anywhere and printing them - not necessarily from what he signed up to or be actually doing them...

Protect yourself and your DD, and your future! You've come a long way - dont let him ruin it for you!

You're right. Thank you for keeping my head on straight!
And his tasks are- as they should be for someone at the beginning of this- really tiny. So I still have a good while of crap while he learns to manage. DD doesn't deserve a parent who's still learning to be an adult, she deserves one who stepped up as swiftly as she needed.

OP, if he was serious about treating his depression he’d have gone to his GP and got a prescription for antidepressants, not just messed about self treating with online checklists.
As PPs have said, he’s just going through the motions to try and con you into staying.
Frankly, I’m not convinced he even is depressed. It’s a convenient excuse for not doing anything - a get out of jail free card for chores, work, pulling his weight or being an equal partner.
Apologies if he is genuinely ill, but I think you’re in a good position to recognise if that’s the case, from your own history.
I’d advise you to keep on with your plans to leave. Otherwise you could be posting the same thread in five years’ time. Good luck, OP.

I think its worth saying "if you do the depression worksheets, I'll stay with you forever" is not legally binding. If the relationship isn't working for you on a bigger scale then you are allowed to end if EVEN THOUGH hes doing the worksheet taped to the fridge.

Equally, it is possible that he really is trying now and not just giving it lipservice (although I'd have expected him to pick your daughter up if that was the case really). Only you can decide whether any changes are enough to make the difference that you need.

Yes. God. You're right. This is why women waste years on useless men, isn't it? They make one step forwards and the exact same step right back again. I'm so glad this board exists.

I'm pretty sure he does have depression, I noticed it years ago. In fact we had a deal 6 years ago; if I sought treatment for myself (I was anorexic at the time but hadn't been diagnosed, and didn't know about my main diagnosis) then he would seek treatment for his depression. It spiralled until he was actively suicidal this June & July, got anti depressants, and sporadically took them/ quit taking them, even when I said a main part of why we have no sex life is because I don't trust him, and a big part of not trusting him is his not looking after his health. It felt a huge success when he sought the diagnosis etc. But then if it took five years just to get to that point and he still isn't consistent treating it..

What the fuck am i doing waiting, when he still holds me responsible for the two years I was off the rails & undiagnosed. Aaargh.

OP I have just recently ditched a useless boyfriend of 5 years, who blamed his lack of basic effort on mental health which he failed to address, and used my own (addressed) mental health as a weapon against me.

I felt nothing when we split. Perhaps a bit sad for a day. But then I realised that everything I achieved, everything "we" built together, was mine. He'd put in so little effort that he didn't even have a relationship with his own family and friends - they were on my side. All I lost by kicking him out was stress and aggro and misery. I'm so much happier now. Let him fuck off to his mums, in fact encourage it. A bit of space will do you wonders.

he sounds pathetic and appallingly horrible to you OP, undermining your fantastic achievements at every opportunity with his woe is me crap. No way I'd give this cretin another chance. You lady deserve way better

@ffsake I know I can't predict the future but that's what I think it will feel like. Everything we have together is down to me. He tried telling me I hadn't put anything into the relationship and how hard I had worked was all a by-product of the baby.

I just laughed, didn't even want to debate it with him any more. Said 'okay', laughed, and let him get on with his evening. He did the washing up to 'prove' he was a good partner. Because obvs you can be as rude as you like as long as the plates are clean (?)

Citizens advice say it doesn't sound right about what he says he is entitled to, and have booked an appointment to discuss local solicitors for their free half hours.

I'm realising even if he does reform, I'll never be able to look at him without remembering all the hard work I somehow had to put in to make him a nice normal human being. That basically makes me his mother. Ew.

I know exactly how you feel. But the good news is, you can feel good about trying to help him, about succeeding while he tried to drag you down, you have done the best you can with the resources available and there is nothing to regret. By splitting, you can both focus on what makes you truly happy without needing to compromise. For me this meant that I have been able to book twice as many holidays as I'm no longer paying my ex's way, and he gets to be the unemployed unmotivated layabout he always aspired to be, without my endlessly irritating encouragement and forgiveness. It's all silver linings from here on out.

It's scary but if you're used to relying only on yourself it's not that big of a change. And your child will grow up to appreciate your strength, determination and independence. That was the biggest gift my mother ever gave me and I respect her infinitely for it.

He was mostly nice over Christmas, but he slept half the days away and was really rude to DD on Christmas day in the late afternoon so I sent him to bed for being tired and grumpy (all his own fault as he stayed up til stupid o clock wrapping presents as he hadn't done it until then). He also didn't buy the only present I asked him to get for DD so I had to rush and get it.

So I guess even the times that are nice aren't up to a basic level of what they should be, and all the niceness is mainly down to me (suggesting games, cooking dinner, doing presents).

I've made it very clear in several ultimatum type conversations what my stance is. He behaves like a spoilt brat rather than a grown man. All sass and rudeness, then pouty contrition, then back to normal again.

I'm sad for him because his life is going to be so shit but it will be his own fault.

Only 12 days now til I find out about interview results, and only a week until my CAB appointment to talk about practicalities & solicitors. His clock is ticking...

I'm stressed about moving, as I'll have to by September and have to get out of the lease here and everything. Stressed about sorting custody especially if I have to relocate further. But it's just what has to be done really.

Hope the interview results are what you want. Sounds like you've made a decision and are slowly working towards your goal, good luck x