He's not coming home tonight?

[Kismetjayn]

And should I amend that to 'ever'?

OH and I have not had an easy ride. I have childhood trauma related MH issues. We moved in and had a baby on the way within a year (unplanned). DD now nearly 4. I'm early 20s, he's mid 20s.

I got treatment for my issues as soon as I knew we were expecting, to the point where I went from being hopeless, all over the place, reckless living to the most stable, confident person, unrecognisable today. I'm thriving- raising a happy child, got amazing grades studying while raising her, and have a life-changing interview this week. It's a big one, you'd know why if I named the organisation but I've been sick with nerves leading up as apparently I really have a chance here. It's huge and would guarantee me success in working life which is huge for a mentally ill, unemployable former teen mum on benefits. I'm doing way better than anyone expected.

OH on the other hand has depression. He doesn't really manage it, he has lied to me several times about it. He avoids responsibility a lot and doesn't do much around the house but I cut him slack as poor work environment & depression. I have been very patient but gave him an ultimatum a couple of months ago: I want 3 things from him. I want him to treat his depression- I don't care how he starts but he needs to. I want him to be reliable about picking up DD- if I succeed at interview he will need to, or she will need to move schools closer to where I am to pick her up, in which case if DD and I have to move our lives away from him just so she is collected on time what relationship is there to save? And the third- to stop yelling at me, especially when he knows I'm going through intense trauma therapy, exam moderation & interview preparation so have a lot on my shoulders.

I don't think that was asking for much and it's certainly less than he asks of me. But he keeps throwing back how he stuck by me when I was at my worst, so I shouldn't complain.

Thing is we didn't have DD then and I was 18. I can't keep being blamed for that. Tonight, he's gone from being in a relatively nice mood- bought me an advent calendar yesterday, planning Xmas, was planning to cook a nice relaxing dinner for me today- to telling me over text to just put DD to bed as we need to talk. She was so excited to show him what she'd made in school and he kept saying he'd be home soon every time I asked from 5pm to 7:30, until finally he sent that. He had been in the pub.

8pm, he rang, drunk, and said he was feeling really fed up lately and I'm blaming him all the time for things that aren't his fault. He's not coming home tonight and isn't happy. He doesn't want to break up but this isn't working (???) And he's going to his mum's.

He lives like a teenage boy, staying out when he feels like it, having a go at me about money but spending it in the pub or on coffees and never telling me how much he spends on himself, waking up late for work and staying late to make up so I have to do everything for DD, and apparently I get as much free time as him because once a month I go to a meeting in the daytime but usually back for DD's dinner.

I'm tempted to say fuck it. You're so unhappy when I ask so little as for you to collect your daughter on one or two days a week and to take anti depressants once a day, when I have worked so hard, then fine. You're making me look after DD on my own, take her to all her events on her own, while you take off and get drunk, the weekend before my big interview, fine, I will do it on my own- permanently. Is that too extreme?

It all sounds so sad & bleak (probs not helped by the weather).

More sad though is that DD will be going to her school Christmas event today without her daddy. It's the first day of advent and our advent calendar (reusable one, I made it) is still in the loft with all the decorations we were meant to get down ready. Today was going to be an exciting family day- it's going to have to be an exciting Mummy & DD day because he chose to walk out on us.

Feeling grim resolve today.

I was reading this thinking sabotage!!!!

If you get the job he’ll just continue with this s nonsense.

You sound like you’ve really got your act together and I really hope for you and your daughter you get your act together.

You are still at the start of your life really (there’s probably another 50 or 60 to go)
I would not waste time on a man like this.

You are also in all likelihood modelling a bad relationship for your daughter even if she is v attached to him.
I remember crying for my father while he was at the pub /me crying for him to stay with me while he left to go the pub.
It meant I learned to seek poor treatment from men later in life. God only knows how I managed to find current DP.

He's back and seems sincere about changing, has signed up to online depression help...

Please help me not be a complete mug. He hasn't really changed has he? Or is this a real step?

Let him go, he is a millstone around your neck and you won't realise it until he is gone

I wouldn't even be giving the future headspace right now. Focus on your interview, that is life changing for you and dd. I would say he needs to show improvement and build trust. But I wouldn't be engaging in discussing the future of your relationship until after your interview so you take away any power he has on that front.

Be careful re the sabotage. He may say he’s changing but this week don’t rely on him for anything that would jeopardise your interview , or have back up. Don’t be in the position that you have to skip it to go pick dd up as he’s gone awol etc.

Online help is a start, but I reckon he needs more than that.

I also think there's some jealousy and sabotage with his actions.

Yes, have back up plans for this week for your interview. If you need him to do things to make sure you get there, make sure you have alternative plans.

Just focus on this, not him right now.

Yes. Do not rely on him for the interview. Hopefully we will be proved wrong but not worth taking a risk.

Thank you all, that is really sound advice. I don't have any family and no friends really so will rack my brains. Someone must be available!

ccoNTACT A LOCAL NURSERY and see if they have space on the day

PS did you used to have friends but he didn't like/trust them?

I think he's scared of your success, that your lives will change and he will have to justify why he doesn't do much in comparison to you. Basically I think he is having a wobble. You are entitled to further yourself and your career and congratulations on overcoming so much to get where you are but where will that leave him?

Speaking from experience (it wasn't my husband who was worried about by my career success, it was his family), some people get defensive (jealousy? Insecurity?) when another person in a worse situation surpasses them, as it can make some them feel shit about themselves. If he's is feeling depressed, is he also feeling sorry for himself and worried that all this success will make you want to leave? It's no excuse for his behaviour, but I have realised that just by having my own achievements, some people have changed towards me for sometimes unfathomable reasons.

She will be at the childminders & nursery on the day, but I need him to pick her up at 6pm.

Thankfully (sort of?) No, that's not a red flag here. I didn't have friends due to being in and out of inpatient for MH, he's been very encouraging of me building up friendships when I've had the chance.

Could h8s dm not mind your dd. Might be more reliable or at least be on standby.
You have used having your dd at a young age as motivation for improving your life and thats fantastic. Without this guy you will go from strength to strength. Remember he can still see dd and be part of her life but you will not be dragged down.
Hope you ace that interview.

tell your childminder what the deal is and ask her for a favour

I've swallowed my pride and asked his mum to be our backup. She's not best pleased with me but hope she knows if she does have to pick up DD it will be her son's fault, not mine.

He's acting like everything is normal which I guess for him it is. I've got a bunch of links saved for custody rights, working out maintenance etc to go through as soon as the interview is done. I don't see him staying considerate & reliable until January as he didn't actually get around to signing up to the online MH thing because it needed his card details and he didn't have them to hand/feel like literally getting up and walking 10 paces to his wallet. Then 'forgot about it'.

I think he is feeling sorry for himself but his whole family are useless at taking responsibility and I think he uses the having depression as an excuse not to do better himself; if he addressed his depression, he'd have to address the other problems in his life (not getting up on time and doing better at work, not always being the best partner, not always putting the effort in at home). He doesn't want to do those things as it is difficult and he might have to admit some fault so it's easier to leave the depression untreated and then say 'its not my fault, it's the depression.'

Before he was diagnosed, he blamed me; 'its hard to get on with work etc when you're constantly supporting your mentally ill partner'. Except I sorted myself out, so he had to have something else to blame. I should have seen that red flag tbh- before we got together, he blamed his ex girlfriend. But we were very young, I didn't notice then and when I did realise, I hoped he'd grow out of it.

Can you rely on your MIL? If you have any doubts ask your CM, or even look at paid creches if possible. Don't underestimate his attempts to sabotage if he really wants too ( including using his DM). Good luck!

I gave up on your second sentence; you know he's never going to back you up, have your back or even be responsible, an online tool he couldn't even be arsed using, says it all really; he too selfish to give you what you want; you should definitely be thinking of moving on without him pulling you down, any person that acts like that does not care enough.

Sounds like you've got the measure of him, OP. Good for you. Sounds like you will flourish without him trying to drag you down.

And best of luck for your interview.

MIL works down the road from childminder so has to drive past DD to get home. We might not always see eye to eye but she's not so selfish as to drive right past her if I say there's no one else to pick her up. She has picked her up on one occasion before when I had a funeral to attend and OH couldn't collect her.

At a push the childminder would keep her but charges v highly for late pickup (as is only fair).

I feel the same way @adora10. I'm so sad and disappointed tbh. It doesn't feel like a partnership and I always saw my future with him. But at the end of the day if he isn't going to be the same kind, responsible adult I saw him being, then the future I wanted with him doesn't exist whether we're in a relationship or not.

Yeah the fact he couldn't be bothered to fill in his card details isn't a great sign is it? I am pleased that you know he's really not being fair and you are starting to get together a plan for your future. Good luck with the interview. Please don't let this man hold you back any longer, yes he supported you but you are the one who got improved things for yourself, you'll know that it can be hard but that it can be done and he's not even trying.

Well done on getting yourself so together. I think for your own and your daughters sakes you should just make the break, he's dragging you down and you will never be able to relax or rely on him when it comes to doing things for your daughter like collecting her from school. Best of luck with the job

Depression is no excuse.
I've know people gets jobs, get qualifications, go to uni, buy houses, get rid of bad relationships, help people , learn drive etc.
All the time struggling but never giving up.
This is no disrespect to anyone with depression by the way.

Okay so I hope no one minds me rambling on more.

The interview was alright. Not great, not bad either. The reason I have to give him to the new year really is because I won't find out until January 14th, so won't know where I'm going to be until then.

I'm using this time to get all my ducks in a row I think is the phrase. I told him last weekend that I didn't know how I was going to forgive this and that it would take a lot to move past it and he's still acting as if nothing happened, sulking if I'm not affectionate with him! And was really disrespectful yesterday (rude & infantilising) about whether it was worth the cost of booking a taxi to an event I had planned (can't get there without one) then accused me of being arsey when I said that he didn't consider the cost of all the alcohol he drank. I didn't go in the end.

I'm finding some practical aspects hard. I came into the relationship with a good amount of savings. Most of it spent on furniture, deposit for renting the house, his car, and paying bills when I wasn't working but before benefits came in.

He says everything is half his because he works, so anything that goes back into savings is down to him, so the reason we could afford the furniture/his car is down to him. That doesn't sound right to me, but would he be able to take half of everything if we broke up even though most of it was bought either by my family before I went NC when DD was born, or with the £15k I had saved before we moved in? He had no savings despite being employed & paying a token gesture of rent to his parents. I don't want him taking my furniture- I know it sounds pathetic but I chose it, I saved that money for it before moving out, and it feels mine. My bed, I spent ages finding one that was exactly what I wanted, he didn't care and just wanted one that didn't rattle like the old one. My reading chair- I found it in a charity shop and rang him up to see if I could spend the £50 on it. He can have the TV and the PS4 and all his hobby equipment, which is probably at least £3k in total. I just want my bed, my wardrobe, things like that.

Also, how easy would it be to take him off the lease? Would it be that straightforward or can they cancel our tenancy?

I feel so guilty thinking about him going back to live with his mum, without us. Without our house, without our things. Without DD most of the time. But I have given him plenty of warnings.