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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I had An emotional Affair.. what is it now?

54 replies

MonetC74 · 30/11/2018 20:20

Hi Mumsnetters
I’d only even stumbled across the term EA by accident a few weeks ago, and feel awful about everything, so need some advice.

Have a crush on a guy from work, see him face to face rarely, we have had to work on projects together which involve email, and text etc. We have formed a bond and have been texting for more or less a year, increasingly less work related with an occasional flirty one. DH knows we are friends and no text messages are deleted etc (I don’t feel the messages are out of order).
Last few weeks the texts got a bit too flirty and then one evening while we were both drunk, we both confessed that we liked each other! This took my crush to a “holy poop this could be a real thing” level.
In the cold light of (sober) day, we discussed that nothing would ever happen as we are both married, and that sexting would not happen either as it would be too dangerous to pursue that route in case it lead to something.
But. And here’s what’s bothering me. Neither of us want to cut contact, and we both still want each other in each other’s lives. Him texting me is the highlight of my day. We text multiple times a day, usual humdrum everyday topics.

Is this an EA still? Was it, but it’s not now? Do you think being “friends” is even possible now we know we both like each other (more than platonically)

I’ve no idea where my head is at :(
Thanks x

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 30/11/2018 20:24

Yeah it does sound like it op, I don't think you can be friends, especially outside of work. Do you want to be with DH?

Orange6904 · 30/11/2018 20:25

This thread might give you some tips: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3168787-How-to-avoid-an-emotional-affair

hammeringinmyhead · 30/11/2018 20:28

Yes, it is (not was, is, as you are continuing contact with someone you like romantically). The only fair thing to your respective spouses is to cut contact outside work.

Abi47 · 30/11/2018 20:29

Try to stop. You may not want to but road ahead just leads to upset. Will hurt to stop now but it won't get any easier

Original poster
MonetC74 · 30/11/2018 20:30

Yikes. I relate to a lot of that, thanks for the link

OP posts:
Itwasatuesday · 30/11/2018 20:30

Not just friends by Shirley Glass is a very good book about EAs and how they can slip into affairs, what to look for and how to be aware and therefore stop before that point.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/11/2018 20:30

Yes it’s an EA. No you can’t be just friends.

What’s going on with your H?

Original poster
MonetC74 · 30/11/2018 20:37

I thought my marriage was fine, however clearly not. OM just asks me how I am, and gives me his time, which is what’s DH doesn’t as he’s so busy. I’ve typed that and realised how much of a terrible wife I’ve been.

OP posts:
cigarettessuffragettesandboys · 30/11/2018 21:07

I don’t understand why people do this to their partners. Surely you must have loved your husband at one point to have married him? So why do something as hurtful as tell another person you have feelings for them? Obviously you don’t intend for him to ever find out but that really doesn’t make it any better or any less hurtful. You’re allowing the EA to happen by texting this guy when I’m reality you know that the right thing to do at any indication of feelings is to limit contact and keep any neccessary interaction professional.

I may sound like I’m being harsh so sorry - it’s just hit a nerve with me tonight.

Orange6904 · 30/11/2018 21:12

Well it doesn't mean your marriage is terrible, you're now comparing someone who only has time for the good stuff, putting on their best side at work with your partner.

Ohyesiam · 30/11/2018 21:20

Use it as a wake up call op. Can things change so that your husband has more time for you? Is he willing to give you attention?

Don’t even consider an affair, they are shit for everyone.
To be with this other man you’d have to rip your marriage apart, think of telling the in-laws/ your parents that it’s over. The real mundane detail of what that would mean inyour life.

I don’t think It’s possible to be friends with forbidden fruit.

Be really tough and scrupulous with yourself here op. What’s important in your life?

Orange6904 · 30/11/2018 21:23

Bear in mind, DH might have picked up on something and that might be influencing his own behaviour. That's what happened when my partner was having an emotional affair at work (that became physical and he left me) I picked up that he was happy when he was going out to work stuff and being distant with me and it affected our relationship which he then turned around to blame on me.

IdblowJonSnow · 30/11/2018 21:34

Use it as a wake up call and back right off.
I have been in a similar position but nothing ever happened. We are still friends but it has been tricky at times. Don't go anyway alone with him and especially don't ever get pissed together! And also, don't over think it. It's not a crime to fancy someone else and although I don't necessarily disagree with what pps have said, it is very exciting to be fancied when you've been in a safe relationship for years. But if u love your dh and value your marriage get a bit of distance from this guy for a while.

Itiswhatitisso · 30/11/2018 22:04

You are falling for him

You need to decide whether to back away and end contact or fall into an affair

LizzieSiddal · 30/11/2018 22:10

Him texting me is the highlight of my day.

This is the crux of the matter and is just an awful thing to feel and say.
I feel so sorry for your Dh. You need to stop contact with this other man, tonight and focus on your marriage.

crimsonlake · 30/11/2018 22:18

Forgive me if I am wrong but are you not the same person who has started different threads about this very same subject at least twice this week?

SuperSuperSuper · 30/11/2018 22:20

I don't think that you can just be mates now. It's a bit like trying to be friends with a boyfriend you've just finished with....at least one party usually harbours hopes that it won't remain platonic.

So, you either go cold turkey, or you carry on and eventually slide into a physical affair with all the associated hardships and repercussions. Or, carry on and wait for him to end it (he may do that, especially if his wife gets suspicious).

It's not easy. I know. I'm not having a dig at you. I'm just saying that if you want to remain married you should cut this man off because he can't be your friend.

Original poster
MonetC74 · 30/11/2018 22:23

Hi, sound advice ladies thank you. I honestly hadn’t realised the severity of the hole I’ve dug myself until reading your comments. My DH and DCren are the most important things to me. I’m going to sever contact.
Crimson lake:- sorry not posted on MN before, not sure which thread you mean?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 30/11/2018 22:29

Oh please you know exactly what it is and it’s nasty, you both are a right pair of sneaks I bet the office are all laughing about it, don’t you ever feel disloyal to your husband, the highlight of your day is a text from a married man yeah I’d say your marriage must be utter shit but my advice is to not fuck up someone else’s marriage just cos yours is bad.

As per on here if you were a man you’d be destroyed but because youre female it’s all there there never mind try to act better, try acting like a decent person!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 30/11/2018 22:30

Agree with Jonsnow. I've also been in a very similar position but nothing happened. But he wanted it too and the sheer quickness of how it escalated was scary. You're fooling yourself if you think it is innocent. You've both admitted feelings so you need to stop.

Orange6904 · 30/11/2018 22:31

I don't think anyone is saying there there, just trying to give advice on what was said. I have just been through it and know how devastating it is. And yes I agree people at work probably will have noticed, they always do.

FuckingHateRain · 30/11/2018 22:33

crimsonlake it's quite common to have a crash with someone at work, I doubt it's the same poster

OP I get you, it's tricky, certainly tempting at times especially as we are getting older and our hormones are playing up
I think you're allowed to have certain fantasies Wink but I'd keep it just to that
Also I'd try to enhance the relationship with DH (how's your sex life? Maybe look into that?)

If all else fails, try to think of OM doing big mushy poo.... that will put you off 😉

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 30/11/2018 22:35

I'm not having a dig because I've been there. It's tough but you can stop it escalating if you want to. Now is the time

lottielottielottie · 30/11/2018 22:36

Seconding what @Adora10 just said.
carrying on like a teenager getting excited about the texts & the attention. Your marriage obviously isn't fulfilling you & you can't be happy.
You know exactly what this is & that it's wrong.
Hope you both get found out & have to deal with the shitstorm that will follow, that will burst your bubble & it will probably be all tears etc. Shouldn't have got this far & been entertaining all the flirting whilst you are married.

Shame on you!

FuckingHateRain · 30/11/2018 22:37

@Adora10 I doubt anyone at the office gives a fuck!
Things happen, she's not a sneak, she's human with feelings and she's here for support to prevent it from escalating....