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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I had An emotional Affair.. what is it now?

54 replies

MonetC74 · 30/11/2018 20:20

Hi Mumsnetters
I’d only even stumbled across the term EA by accident a few weeks ago, and feel awful about everything, so need some advice.

Have a crush on a guy from work, see him face to face rarely, we have had to work on projects together which involve email, and text etc. We have formed a bond and have been texting for more or less a year, increasingly less work related with an occasional flirty one. DH knows we are friends and no text messages are deleted etc (I don’t feel the messages are out of order).
Last few weeks the texts got a bit too flirty and then one evening while we were both drunk, we both confessed that we liked each other! This took my crush to a “holy poop this could be a real thing” level.
In the cold light of (sober) day, we discussed that nothing would ever happen as we are both married, and that sexting would not happen either as it would be too dangerous to pursue that route in case it lead to something.
But. And here’s what’s bothering me. Neither of us want to cut contact, and we both still want each other in each other’s lives. Him texting me is the highlight of my day. We text multiple times a day, usual humdrum everyday topics.

Is this an EA still? Was it, but it’s not now? Do you think being “friends” is even possible now we know we both like each other (more than platonically)

I’ve no idea where my head is at :(
Thanks x

OP posts:
FuckingHateRain · 30/11/2018 22:38

Shame on you!

WTF is that??!!

lottielottielottie · 30/11/2018 22:45

@FuckingHateRain well it means what it means....

Shame on you!

For encouraging & enticing this sort of behaviour. End of. SHAMEFUL.

lottielottielottie · 30/11/2018 22:50

If this was a woman writing that her DH had done all this .... confessed desires & attraction exchanged about each other, the constant texts, the giddiness of receiving such texts, god forbid still wanted to keep the woman in his life as a 'friend' all hell would break loose & it would be all LTB Confused

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 30/11/2018 22:51

I don't see anybody encouraging it. Everyone has said it is not a friendship and contact needs to end. At least the OP has the awareness to post here and look for advice

Adora10 · 30/11/2018 23:00

Oh listen to yourselves. you’d not be defending a man saying exactly the same, how pathetic and yes folk in the office will have noticed, you’re all mugs if you believe the OP has no idea she’s having an emotional affair.

Thank fuck my morals are not in the gutter 👍

Original poster
MonetC74 · 30/11/2018 23:03

You’ve all put it completely in perspective, I am ashamed of what I’ve done, no excuse.

OP posts:
puddled2 · 30/11/2018 23:08

Your marriage is not all that .. obviously

BackInTheRoom · 30/11/2018 23:22

Marriages need work when you've got stress, kids, bills, mortgages etc, they can take a hit and are susceptible to things like this but it's what you do about it. Well done OP for posting here and getting a perspective on it so I won't shame you. Just go back and work on your marriage now you know it needs some work shoring up. 👍

yve62 · 30/11/2018 23:37

There is nothing lonelier than a lonely marriage.
Anyone saying 'shame on you' needs to show some compassion and a little less self righteousness. OP came here for advice not puritanical judgement.

Lineofbeauty · 30/11/2018 23:42

No-one's perfect. Don't beat yourself up asbyouve not actually done anything awful. But do think what this tells you about your marriage. Husband who gives you little emotional support is also a problem. Doubt you'd have done down this alley if everything smelled of roses at home. We're all human.

Orange6904 · 30/11/2018 23:42

I get the messages that are angry, this is the pain that these things cause when they escalate. And maybe people at work don't give a fuck but they will notice which is pretty humilating for the partner. I was humilated to find out I was the last to know.

Lineofbeauty · 30/11/2018 23:42

Gone down..

Orange6904 · 30/11/2018 23:44

But people always say that 'I don't get any support'. Maybe her DH has noticed the distance? Maybe she is justifying the flirting to herself. Maybe her DH wouldn't mind the attention she has been giving to someone else for a year? Not saying this is always the case.

Abi47 · 01/12/2018 02:16

Am sure it's not always the case, but sometimes men can do this with more than one woman at the same time. Look after yourself OP as you may not be the only one being made to feel special. If you fall for him you are hooked. Real life will become very difficult for you.

Bettyboohoo34 · 01/12/2018 07:22

Our situations sound so similar op. No judgment here, I understand how these things grow and develop.

I’m involved with a married man and have my own family too. In my case it’s never been physical (apart from an awkward kiss) just texting, daily as “friends”. Although for over a year our texts were flirty and sexual and we admitted feelings for each other.

I agree with the poster above that he may be texting other women. You’ll become hooked, like I have and all other areas of you life will become negatively affected.

It’s so obvious, but speaking from experience please, please cease all contact and focus on your marriage. I started running and it has helped get my thoughts in order. Be strong and do the right thing for you and your family.

Original poster
MonetC74 · 01/12/2018 07:52

It is a lonely marriage, kids, 2 jobs you all know how it works, I’m not going to say it’s just my life that’s like this. It started as genuinely totally platonic and I (really, despite you all saying I knew it and wanted it) didn’t see it sneak up on me like it has. Thankfully he’s in a different office to me, and I barely see him in the workplace, so that’s a bonus. It’s just the habit of texting that’s going to be a hard one to break, and someone who actually asks how my days been etc that’s going to be a tough one 😔
He makes me feel important, which is something DH and DCren don’t anymore

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 01/12/2018 08:11

Do you make your DH and children feel important?

Original poster
MonetC74 · 01/12/2018 08:31

Goodness I hope so! I’m broken as a person if what I do isn’t good enough! DH takes a back seat over the children but once their in bed /occupied I’m always doing stuff for him! (Over and above the stereotyped “woman” duties)
Actually, maybe that’s a topic for discussion in our house tonight, he barely notices if I’m even I’ll, let alone asks if he can help...

OP posts:
FuckingHateRain · 01/12/2018 09:28

Talk to him ! He's pushing you away, please tell him ... he might change...
Women are pushed to EA for a reason

Good luck and don't feel bad cause you haven't done anything wrong!

GloomyMonday · 01/12/2018 09:39

Op, I can well imagine how something like this can develop in incremental steps that are barely noticed until you suddenly realise that you're way over a line.

But these things follow a script. And your conversation about how you both feel, and how nothing can ever happen, is part of that.

I would be devastated to learn that my dp had had a conversation of that nature with another woman, wouldn't you?

The next step for you is tentatively discussing all of the things about your partner and marriage that make you unhappy, and listening to him doing the same. As you give yourself tacit approval to 'find some happiness' you'll convince yourselves that nobody will get hurt because no one will ever know, just this once etc.

Meanwhile your dp senses the temperature of the marriage changing. He doesn't know what's wrong but knows that something isn't right. All of your energies are being poured into another relationship, of course the gulf between you will widen.

Read the hundreds of threads on here about affairs being discovered: 99% of participants wish they could go back to the line and never cross it.

If you're not happy in your marriage, end it and be single. Don't have your family, friends, colleagues, kids, neighbours all knowing about your seedy affair. If you are happy you are at a pivotal point right now. And no, you can't be friends any more, that ship sailed.

Abi47 · 01/12/2018 10:30

Reduce contact, get in touch and keep in touch with friends. Fill that void. It's no life relying on texts from a married man to make you feel special. Get out of it now. It will not get easier to do so

Orange6904 · 01/12/2018 10:59

Divert the energy you've put into another man and him being the 'highlight of your day' into the man you married. Talk to him. Pick up some hobbies that fill a void if you're bored like @Abi47 said. If after all that you're still not happy then think what to do next. Having an affair at work and shitting where you eat will not fix anything. It will just create a stinking mess to sort out. Break it down, is it even about this man or just how he makes you feel? Is it worth breaking up 2 families and all the pain just to pursue someone who might not even be that great once you get with them and get to know them outside of a fantasy? Think of all the details.

It's exactly what @GloomyMonday said your partner will have picked up the change, I did when my ex did this to me, he kept pushing me away acting all distant and strange but being excited about work and buying fancy clothes for work do's. It starts to affect the other partner but they don't know what is going on and why.

Anyway, you said in a previous post you will sever contact. If he's in another office that makes it easier. Good luck with everything. Brew

Original poster
MonetC74 · 01/12/2018 14:16

Thanks all, some excellent advice I plan on taking x

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 01/12/2018 14:29

I had this from my H OP, it seems it went on at a point when he was unhappy with life generally, a lot of stuff was going wrong and instead of being mature about it he found a ‘diversion’ that brightened his day. It’s extremely disrespectful to your partner and if he finds out I doubt he will ever feel quite the same about you, so I suggest you up your female friends contact, get some good books, join the gym - whatever, and if you find your marriage is unsatisfactory and gives you a wandering mind, then do the decent thing for everyone

Original poster
MonetC74 · 03/12/2018 20:57

Well, it’s been 2 days with no contact. I haven’t said anything to him about going NC, 48hrs of hell, not going to lie. The shitter is (and some of you will love this :( ) he hasn’t text me either... 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts: