Is he out of my league?

[Sonjing]

Hi all, I am not sure what I am trying to achieve with this post, maybe I jut want to be reassured that I am being silly. I started chatting to a man on OLD and we’ve been out once yesterday. I previously started other threads about how many bad dates I had been on and how I never seemed to fancy anyone. I turned down many, many invites to second dates.

Well, famous last words! Yesterday I met this guy and I most definitely fancy him. I think he is interested too, he already asked me out on a second date, although we haven’t pinned down a date. There was a little kiss at the end of the date :)

However, I am concerned he is “out of my league”. Here’s a breakdown:

• Him: 36, hugely successful job in investment finance, very posh and good looking. Mega expensive taste (skiing trip every weekend, sports car and yada yada). Lived in London and New York. Never married, no kids.

• Me: 29, good professional job in marketing for a corporation, well educated and “normal” middle-class upbringing. Lived in many different cities in Asia and Europe when I was younger. I think I am quite attractive, although not a model obviously. Never married, no kids

He is so sophisticated, so polished, so in control. I, on the other hand, am just a normal, nice, smart woman who bites her nails and is too lazy to iron her clothes. I feel so fascinated by this aura of “perfection”. I can’t help but thinking that he could never be seriously interested in a normal woman like me. Surely he’d want a relationship with a similar superhuman with a posh lifestyle. Probably a model, sigh!

I know how silly this sounds, and how insecure this makes me appear. I am actually pretty confident usually, but I am not used to moving in the kind of professional and social circles that this man is accustomed to.

I don’t know what I want to hear. This is so silly. It is so rare that I feel an instant attraction to someone and I am a bit scared of getting hurt down the line. Sigh!

Where were you when I was endlessly swiping on apps and having god awful dates with unambitious men?!

I felt exactly the same when I met my husband. I was working in a coffee shop after quitting my corporate job, living out of my parents loft and riddled with debt.
He was a millionaire business owner with sophisticated taste. I thought it would be a one time thing, there'd be be no way we'd have enough in common.

Turned out we are basically the same person underneath all that and found our soulmates in each other. We've discussed it since and he felt just the same as I did, thought I was totally out of his league!

None of that stuff matters, it's who you are inside.

I'd be concerned that a very polished, very successful man night be a perfectionist which often equals controlling. Perhaps he'd dating down in terms of status because he wants to find someone more controllable than a very priviledged woman.
Maybe he's still single at 36 because he's ridiculously fussy / very superficial, and purely decided that it's time to have a family with whomever puts him on a pedestal.
Or a positive option - similar to what poster above described, been blown off by an ex and took a while to recover.

Just don't be so blinded by his charm/achievements that you don't observe his personality/morals, it takes a bit of time wqhich is the downside of OLD as you are pushed tomake up your mind quickly.

p.s. also sadly men in these circles often take drugs to sustain the high performance, so there's that to consider too.

Why should middle class women be easier to controlthan a upper middle class or upper class women? Maybe he is just a bit perfectionist or he needs to look welldressed in his job.

Sounds very Daniel Cleaver and Bridget Jones.

My instant thought was 50 shades of grey.
My second thought was - am I the only one that really wants to see a picture of him?? 😂

Because there are 100s of them in the city OP, and they’re very easy to spot.

Some people can work in finance and retain integrity and true values but it’s hard. By and large the stereotype of shallow, selfish, money-minded people is not actually untrue.

The polish, the sports car, the expensive ski habit - he’s preoccupied with appearance, luxury, money. He likes beautiful surfaces.

A perfectionist about his own looks will be a perfectionist about his partner’s.

Sonjing I bet you didn't realise you were going to inspire so much wild speculation! This guy, whom none of us except you has met, has been painted as everything from a BDSM millionaire, to a controlling abuser, to a superficial appearance-obsessed perfectionist, to a cocaine user, to a cold-hearted amoral shark. And of course, there must be something seriously wrong with him if he's still single and using OLD at the age of 36. He may be any or none of these things, but the fact that people are willing to paint him that way from the few scraps of information provided is ridiculous.

In the kindest possible way, OP, please take a step back from all this and think about the impression you got of him. Put aside all the stuff about whether he's out of your league and ask yourself: did you like him enough to want a second date? That's really all you have to decide. You can get to know him better over the course of a few dates if that's what you want, and you don't have to get hugely involved until you think you know what sort of person he is. If he does turn out to be wrong for you in some way, then fair enough, you can stop seeing him. But don't do that based on the assessments of people who don't know him and have no idea what he's like. Trust your instincts!

There’s always the poster who comes on and says ‘don’t make decisions based on posters’ views’ as if anyone was that fucking stupid.

Of course we don’t know him. All we’re doing is warning her of the potential pitfalls. Presume he may be any or all of these things until he proves himself otherwise.

There are many women who turn up on this forum married to men who are good looking, keep themselves fit, who then have major issues when their wife puts on weight, childbirth changes their body, or they make less effort their dress. Women report on here ‘he told me I look fat, frumpy, he doesn’t fancy me any more, he preferred me when I was thin’ etc. And of course they’re devastated. Sometimes to the demise of the relationship.

Their ‘instinct’ didn’t tell them that this is how their DH’s would turn out. So instinct doesn’t help. Worldly wisdom does.

I grew up with men like this, and I’ve worked with men like this, I live around men like this. With the looks and the money and the perfect appearance comes expectations - and if you do not understand that you are very naive and you may get hurt.

I agree with grace. It is a bit classist to assume all of those things.

Not when it’s your own class. It’s not about class anyway, it’s more about mindset and values.

If you're in Zurich going skiing every weekend isn't all that unusual for the winter sports types.

Also there are no leagues - so you are not out of his league.

Yes we are in Zurich indeed, so not too unusual to go skiing every weekend.

So - you're a bilingual expat under thirty who's made a career in a beautiful yet tough city - you've made it.

Trust yourself!

I thought, Gneva - not far wrong!

ConfusedWife because women from his circle wouldn't be as impressed, wouldn't question themselves and 'leagues' whereas middle class women (as OP demonstrates) are more likely to be in awe and feeling a bit unconfident. That's exactly what SOME men like this want.
Let's hope he's not, and that he actually appreciates someone intelligent and more down-to-earth when it comes to an LTR. As someone said before, like Darcy and Bridget (a better, organised, version of her in OP's case!)

Geneva, obvs.

You've met someone. You're attracted to him. You've got on well. Go on a second date it's a no brainer.

Love, have you any idea how vapid some of the women “in his league” would be? Or how many women would date him because of his success and not his personality? Sounds like a stereotype, but I assure you it’s still very much a thing.

He’s interesting to you because of WHO he is, not what he earns. To him that’s refreshing.

You are interesting to him because of your background and personality

And yep, it’s a second date!! Take things step by step and don’t even think about second guessing things or analysis of future potential until a good 6 months in. If it gets to that longevity, THEN start to evaluate

Get to know him, take time to just be with him and see where it goes.

You are way overthinking everything on this.

Oh, and my OH is waaaaaaaay out of my league success wise, but he loves me more than anybody he’s ever known and I him.

Just relax and enjoy each other’s company and see where it goes. Be yourself. You Being YOU is what he finds of interest.

IM WAY MORE INTERESTED TO HEAR HOW SECOND DATE GOES. Please

Good to tread carefully as with OLD men generally. However maybe he’s a bit board of women in similar jobs to himself or what he might consider to be ‘airheads’

Also I’d be less interested in how finished and in control he is. I’d want to know more important things - if he’s kind, big hearted, honest, trustworthy, thoughtful yada yada

Don't put yourself down woman!

I've seen plenty of couples who could be described as "mismatched" and they're the ones that normally work/last.

Let it happen organically.
As my dear departed dgm used to say "what's for you won't go against you" and I always thought she was talking shite when I was younger. Now I know exactly what she meant- if something is meant for you, it will happen.

How exciting