Is he out of my league?

[Sonjing]

Hi all, I am not sure what I am trying to achieve with this post, maybe I jut want to be reassured that I am being silly. I started chatting to a man on OLD and we’ve been out once yesterday. I previously started other threads about how many bad dates I had been on and how I never seemed to fancy anyone. I turned down many, many invites to second dates.

Well, famous last words! Yesterday I met this guy and I most definitely fancy him. I think he is interested too, he already asked me out on a second date, although we haven’t pinned down a date. There was a little kiss at the end of the date :)

However, I am concerned he is “out of my league”. Here’s a breakdown:

• Him: 36, hugely successful job in investment finance, very posh and good looking. Mega expensive taste (skiing trip every weekend, sports car and yada yada). Lived in London and New York. Never married, no kids.

• Me: 29, good professional job in marketing for a corporation, well educated and “normal” middle-class upbringing. Lived in many different cities in Asia and Europe when I was younger. I think I am quite attractive, although not a model obviously. Never married, no kids

He is so sophisticated, so polished, so in control. I, on the other hand, am just a normal, nice, smart woman who bites her nails and is too lazy to iron her clothes. I feel so fascinated by this aura of “perfection”. I can’t help but thinking that he could never be seriously interested in a normal woman like me. Surely he’d want a relationship with a similar superhuman with a posh lifestyle. Probably a model, sigh!

I know how silly this sounds, and how insecure this makes me appear. I am actually pretty confident usually, but I am not used to moving in the kind of professional and social circles that this man is accustomed to.

I don’t know what I want to hear. This is so silly. It is so rare that I feel an instant attraction to someone and I am a bit scared of getting hurt down the line. Sigh!

It's one date from a OLD app. Go on another one. What Sonata said. Sadly, you don't tend to find the creme de la creme on OLD. I think I'd try to dial back all the melodrama if I were you. People all bleed red when cut.

Proceed with extreme caution. He sounds far too smooth..

You are not out of his league though, but if you're uncomfortable with the kind of lifestyle, image and company he keeps then you won't enjoy the relationship.

He’s this great but 36 and not off the market?

Something’s up.

But just go on a few more dates and, most importantly, you’re not out of anyone’s league!

Don't be to cynical OP, there could be many reasons why he's on OLD to find a partner. It could be that the women in and around his friendship group look at him with dollar signs in their eyes because of his job/lifestyle (which he hasn't bragged about to you) and due to his looks, stick him on a pedestal and he can't just be himself around them. It could be that he is very busy with work and being able to talk to people online before scheduling a date works better for his schedule. Or it could be that he's a complete arse. If he is, stop dating him, easy! In the mean time you've only been on 1 date with the guy, you had a good time and it sounds like he did too if he wants a 2nd one. So go on the 2nd date, and the 3rd and 4th etc. if you want to and you're having fun with him, you never know where it might lead.

Oh and don't knock yourself by saying you're out of his league either, you sound like quite the catch and this whole "leagues" thing is total BS, don't buy into it.

You’ve had one date, chill! Actual dating will determine If you are compatible or not. All this ‘out of my league’ nonsense isn’t really a positive way of starting something with someone.

• Me: 29, good professional job in marketing for a corporation, well educated and “normal” middle-class upbringing. Lived in many different cities in Asia and Europe when I was younger. I think I am quite attractive, although not a model obviously. Never married, no ki

^^

Er you sound alright to me!

Go get him

The telling thing is, what he does, how he behaves BETWEEN dates!!

@Sonjing

You are fine. Don’t put yourself down.
I have been a banker/consultant myself. And my observation of my mae colleagues is that many of them did not necessarily want to be in a relationship with female colleagues. First - there weren’t enough to go around, but mostly - I think they liked the idea of women having enough time to dedicate to relationship/family one day....

So - just go with it. Nothin to lose

He can't be that much of a catch otherwise he would have settled already. He probably just wants sex. see how the second date goes

If he sounds like a player, which he does, he probably is. The reason he’s not married is because he doesn’t want to be.

I modelled a bit when I was young and worked in the financial sector - I know what those guys are like. They do tend to want a gf who looks perfect all the time.

I don’t think he’s even slightly out of your league, I rather think you’re too good for him.

He already thought you were good enough to go on a date with and kiss, so why would you suddenly be thinking about leagues?? Go on a second date and see what happens!

Tatiana why would you think he sounds like a player?

Don't be blinded by his charm or outward material success.

He is only worthy of you if he is a good, kind man.

Often these careers attract characters with narcisstic traits.

He’s this great but 36 and not off the market?

Surely this could simply mean he's just not met the right person yet? I don't mean to sound naive but all this "why hasn't he been caught if he's such a catch" is odd - great men do exist, they do OLD and they do tell the truth (although I accept that there are also many, many asshats and dickheads along the same route).

I met DH OLD. He's similarly successful and comes from a family with ridiculous money. We're almost 12 years down the line and there's no 'player' element or 'league', he's just lovely and kind and the girlfriends he dated previously just weren't the right ones.

Go on a second date, go with an open mind and take it at the pace you're happiest with. Some happy ever afters do exist (although I want to vomit when folk talk about happy ever after because I've learned with DH that private schools and second homes aside, everyone's flawed and fucked up in their own way - his family are batshit beyond measure and the MIL is like something from a Wayans Bros movie).

This could be my cousin (it’s not!) He’s 35, ridiculously handsome, amazing job, lots of friends, does extreme sports and is genuinely a lovely man. He got badly burnt by a long term ex in his early 30’s (he thought they would be getting married) and is only now getting back in the dating game to look for ‘the one’. He comes across as super confident, but really isn’t deep down and just wants to find a nice woman and settle down, have kids etc.. Yes, proceed with caution but give him a chance OP!!

Is he looking for a wife? If you’re looking for someone to birth and real children themselves (as opposed to having a nanny) the advice is to aim a bit lower. That’s why there are a lot of men who are clever and successful with wives who are a bit less than clever and successful. Clever successful women are more likely to succumb to PND or outrigh refuse to become a SAHM for the rest of their lives.

@thunderinmyheart that’s really normal for London. Especially for the good looking ones.

@racecardriver - what is? That he’s 36 and still on the market?

I’m 31, live Zone 1 and work in the Square Mile. Men like that on paper aren’t common in my experience (YEARS of OLD!)

No he's not.

He's a catch - you need to give this your best shot!!

Go read "the rules of dating" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and follow them to the letter. Do not ruin this by overthinking.....

@Daria32 can I have his number??

Back to the OP, don’t let his on paper profile distract you. Just get to know him. You say he didn’t brag about any of what you’ve learnt from googling him so give him the benefit of the doubt that he just wants to get to know you too. The reality may be less glamorous and polished than you’ve inferred from what is basically a very well curated online persona (and this doesn’t mean he’s a dishonest player! We all do this with our online presence to one extent or another)

Your descriptions of both of you are very superficial. The only important thing in a relationship is character. Not background or job or money or holiday destinations. The thing that puts people in a higher league is how they treat people. So if he's respectful and thoughtful and considerate whereas you are selfish, then he's in a higher league.

None of the things you've said about him matter if he's a liar or a cheat or can't communicate well etc.

He looks good on paper but pay attention to how he IS, look at how he treats people, (especially people who are considered less socially powerful - waiting staff, cleaners etc)
Does he interrupt when you are talking? Does he remember things that are important to you? Can he communicate clearly and honestly? Can he apologise for mistakes? Does he consider your feelings (eg if you ask him to put the toilet seat down does he remember to do it in the future without needing to be asked)

I think he is only human like the rest of us. Actually I know very few men who care a lot if their girlfriend/wife is as successful in their job as they are. Maybe they are not as superficial as as women are. Not saying you are.

My advice would only be: Get to know him and find out if you like his personality and then decided if he is in your league.

Sigh, brings me back. I’d love to list the attractive things about my now DH but I think you’d either not believe me or think I was a smug wanker.

But he totally blew me away and the more I slowly learned about him the more amazing he became. And it’s turned out to all be true. He’s an unbelievable person academically, professionally, athletically, family wise.

Downside is he is an overachieving workaholic which has its challenges for both of us. But he’s still an incredible person.

I used to wonder what he sees in me but I get it now. I have my own strengths and they work well with him.

Sorry forgot to reply to OP!

OP don’t go looking for issues, there may be none that matter. And if you are a smart person you will already know it’s not about the money.

Good luck!

In my experience it’s pretty common. Most of them don’t start to even think about settling down until 30 and then by the time it actually happens they can be approaching forty.