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Original poster

Husband not noticing our relationship is in decline.

57 replies

Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 09:23

Over the years, it has seemed as though every time my husband has a big project on at work, he has given up on a bit of our relationship in order to focus on work.

In the last couple of years, for example, he's decided that he is too busy to visit my parents, so now I go on my own to visit them. Which isn't a big problem in itself, but if I am worried about them, I now chat to friends who also have elderly parents, not to DH.

Anyway, he works away from home several times a year. Usually I send him a daily chatty email while he's away and he replies. This time I decided I would wait for him to email first and it hasn't happened. I got a text to say he'd arrived, and I texted back. He's liked a couple of my Facebook photos, and commented on our son's Facebook page. And apart from that, nothing in 5 days.

I'm finding it unnerving that he hasn't bothered to initiate contact in five days. But am I being petty? I know that if I messaged him, he would reply. But it's also making me realise that it's always been up to me to initiate contact when he's away from home.

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 29/11/2018 09:30

Sounds like you're feeling taken for granted, and not without reason. I think it's easy for that to happen in any long-term relationship. Perhaps even inevitable at times, but it's not terminal in itself, and doesn't have to be permanent. You have to talk and find the fun again.

Original poster
Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 09:45

We have talked, but as soon as there's a new project at work, he focusses on that. He says all his hard work is for me and the kids, and I know he honestly believes that, but he doesn't seem to realise he needs to put some effort in at home, too.

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 29/11/2018 09:48

He may be a compartmentaliser. What about when he's not focussed on a new work project, does he engage with family life?

Original poster
Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 10:04

Yes, he's a devoted father and the sort of man who would be described as an ideal husband. But he works long hours and puts work first. We had booked a week's holiday self catering this summer and had to cut it to 5 days, so he could get back to work for a meeting. The fact that the day of the meeting had been booked as a holiday months in advance meant nothing.

OP posts:
ShotsFired · 29/11/2018 10:06

Have you looked at "love languages"?
He may simply not place the value on them as you do, instead speaking a different "language".

Original poster
Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 10:29

We do speak different love languages. He loves to give gifts, though I'm not bothered. I do buy him gifts because I know he likes them.

Acts of service is probably my love language though I am fed up doing things for him, only for him to use the time I've saved him to do more work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 10:32

Also, I like physical affection, but several years ago he asked for a six month break from sex so that he could focus on work, and our sex life never really picked up again after that.

OP posts:
Prinstress · 29/11/2018 10:38

A six month break from sex... To focus on work? That makes absolutely no sense to me... How do they detract from eachother ?

IdblowJonSnow · 29/11/2018 10:39

Sounds like he's checked out somewhat. Warning flags to me op. He needs a massive kick up the arse - if you think it/he is worth it. How does a sex break mean he performs better at work? He doesn't sound like a good husband at all. Could there be someone else?

Original poster
Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 10:56

Definitely not someone else. He does a lot of evening / weekend work on his laptop at home. His colleagues joke to me about him being a workaholic. I'd be astonished if he so much as glanced at another woman.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 29/11/2018 11:16

It does sound like he’s deliberately checked out.

I’d tell him you aren’t haopy with his behaviour, things have got to change and he’s on last chance saloon territory.

I think if you could put it all in an email and send it while he’s away, you can think clearly about what you need to say and he can think about his response.

gamerchick · 29/11/2018 11:20

Also, I like physical affection, but several years ago he asked for a six month break from sex so that he could focus on work, and our sex life never really picked up again after that

Erm that was your que to realise he will never put you or your relationship first and it was time to split up. Everything since has been just gravy, why are you putting up with it? Confused

Seriously man, this is your life for the rest of your marriage. How long that is is up to you.

LizzieSiddal · 29/11/2018 11:21

I should add my Dh is a workaholic. I’ve known it since we married so it isn’t a surprise. He would work all hours but he’s sensible enough to take notice when I say “that’s emough, you have a family and you need to engage”.

It’s annoying I have to remind him occasionally (he’s a workaholic due to childhood issue which he’s having therapy for) but if he didn’t listen, it would be the end of the marriage.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 29/11/2018 11:23

What does he do? Vaguely....
The cutting the holiday short would have been a show down for me. He could have Skyped in

Original poster
Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 11:33

The thing is, every time a little bit of our marriage has crumbled, I've adapted. I have a good friends, a good social life, our kids are happy and secure, I've developed a very happy life, it's just that DH is increasingly on the margins of that life.

DH regards himself as indespensible at work; I just don't understand why he doesn't want to be indespensible to me.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 29/11/2018 11:36

He has selectively checked out of much of your relationship and you have let him. Do not buy into the I work only for my family bullshit that men excuse to essentially live the single life but with relationship perks.

It’s time to get real with him and let him know that one day him checking out of your relationship when it’s convenient for him, will result in you not caring enough to stay checked in. He either take the opportunity you are giving him to sort his priorities or he needs to focus on his work elsewhere.

Stop enabling him and accepting whatever little crumbs he can get away with throwing your way.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 29/11/2018 11:48

He's not indispensable at all. If he broke his leg or something the would manage!

Original poster
Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 11:49

I'm wondering if I've got to the "checking out" point. I wonder if I started regarding him as a friendly flatmate rather than as a husband would work. I don't want to leave. I've built up a great network of friends and colleagues here. I'm involved in the local community. If I leave, then I lose all that. If we sold our house we couldn't both afford to buy in this area. I don't want the upheaval or the expense of splitting up. And our lives are increasingly separate anyway, so it wouldn't take much adjustment to have a house share set up.

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gamerchick · 29/11/2018 12:00

Well if that did work and you did check out of the relationship side. What would happen if you met someone you liked? Would it work then and if you do emotionally check out that really could happen. We never know what's around the corner.

Maybe you should talk to your husband about any options.

TwinkleToes101 · 29/11/2018 12:16

What does DH say when you talk to him about your marriage OP?

Original poster
Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 12:33

The last few times we've talked, it's been about specific things and he has always been appalled that he has hurt my feelings, and has said that he's not happy with his lifestyle either and he'd like to pursue hobbies and do stuff together. But any improvement doesn't last, and we're back to square one as soon as the next work deadline approaches.

For instance a couple of months ago I asked him if he realised how long it was since we last had sex, and he guessed 3 or 4 months. He was genuinely aghast when I said it had been 10 months. So he did the whole buying flowers and chocolates thing for a romantic night in, which was lovely, but we haven't had sex since.

If I said I thought our marriage was effectively over I think he'd burst into tears, and he's not a man given to tears.

OP posts:
TwinkleToes101 · 29/11/2018 12:45

Arpafeelie, I think you have carried on thus far in your marriage because you love your husband. Despite everything, you are robust and have found other healthy outlets for your frustrations. From what you say, your husband loves you too - it sounds genuine. Because it would be a shame to leave something that could be saved, I think you need to go to couples counselling. You may well find that will lead to individual counselling for your husband. I have friends in similar situations to you who go and they are working things out, and others that refuse - they aren't doing so well.

expatinspain · 29/11/2018 12:53

It's such a shame when people are obsessed with work and let the other parts of their life slide. I'm sure almost all end up regretting it. No one ever lies on their deathbed and thinks 'I wish I'd worked more'. Sadly workaholics often done realise what they've lost/sacrificed until it's too late. Work is like an addiction.

Original poster
Arpafeelie · 29/11/2018 12:59

I have absolutely no doubt that my husband loves me and dotes on our kids.

Someone asked what I would do if I met someone else. I don't see that happening, because Im not looking, and also because DH is still my idea of the ideal man. He's honest, generous and has a great sense of humour.

But I'm getting a better return on time I invest with friends, colleagues and family and the fact that I can cold bloodedly assess that tells me that things have gone very wrong.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 29/11/2018 13:01

I think you’d be good candidates for relationship counselling, to try to salvage things before they’ve got too far. He clearly needs a wake up call and to rethink his priorities.