Husband not noticing our relationship is in decline.

[Arpafeelie]

Over the years, it has seemed as though every time my husband has a big project on at work, he has given up on a bit of our relationship in order to focus on work.

In the last couple of years, for example, he's decided that he is too busy to visit my parents, so now I go on my own to visit them. Which isn't a big problem in itself, but if I am worried about them, I now chat to friends who also have elderly parents, not to DH.

Anyway, he works away from home several times a year. Usually I send him a daily chatty email while he's away and he replies. This time I decided I would wait for him to email first and it hasn't happened. I got a text to say he'd arrived, and I texted back. He's liked a couple of my Facebook photos, and commented on our son's Facebook page. And apart from that, nothing in 5 days.

I'm finding it unnerving that he hasn't bothered to initiate contact in five days. But am I being petty? I know that if I messaged him, he would reply. But it's also making me realise that it's always been up to me to initiate contact when he's away from home.

If I'm working, he'll often end up having an expensive meal out rather than heat something up himself. I've had days when, once I've subtracted commuting costs and the cost of DHs restaurant meal, my net income is below the national minimum wage, which is dispiriting

Well that’s why he does it, isn’t it ? Whatever he says with his words, his actions show that he HATES you working outside the home. He wants you feel so dispirited about it.

The alternative to a three course dinner cooked by your loving partner doesn’t have to be a microwave meal. If he’s capable of making a cup of coffee ( as you say that’s his contribution to dinner ) then he can take 5 mins to fry/grill a piece of meat/fish and empty a bag of salad onto a plate.

He is eating an expensive restaurant meal to make you feel bad, to punish you for neglecting him.

Me working is a whole separate issue. I'm just trying to work out what the future looks like, if I regard our marriage as more of a friendly house share. Can we go back to better days, would it work, how hard would it be? I want to think things through carefully before broaching counselling with DH. Would I be better off investing my time and energy into friendships, work, etc?

I definitely don't want to split up, I am very clear about that.

You write that you do not want to split up but you are really facilitating his life at your overall expense both emotional and financial.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from the two of you?. Would you want him to behave in the same ways as his dad does towards his partner, I would think not.

You are showing him that on some level this treatment of you is still acceptable to you.

"Would I be better off investing my time and energy into friendships, work, etc?"

You already do this and you are still unhappy because your H is the root cause of your overall unhappiness. He gets what he wants out of this, you do not. It will continue thus as well because such men do not change.

Does a "friendly house share" model of a marriage sound like a good idea really, particularly with relation to your son let alone your own self here?. No it does not, it is down to the two of you as parents to teach him healthy relationship lessons and that is patently not. Why do you want to sell yourself so short?.

Would I be better off investing my time and energy into friendships, work, etc?

Yes, for sure.

I do think you need to talk to your DH about how you’re recalibration the relationship in your head, so he grasps that his absenteeism isn’t acceptable, thus you are effectively downgrading the relationship.

recalibrating ^^

Going back to your title, the thing is that it isn't in decline for him, is it? He gets all his needs met. Food when he wants it, no sex when he doesn't want it, etc. Meanwhile it's very different for you. So you have to tell him how serious this is, and that one night of 'making it up to you' behaviour won't cut it.