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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I show my husband I love him?

70 replies

sunshine05 · 29/11/2018 07:33

I wrote on here months ago about my husband complaining I don't show him enough affection, I thought I'd managed to be more tactile, show him more that I love him but tbh I don't think anything has changed.

I feel like neither of us get what we want from our relationship. I want more romance, he wants more affection/touching/sex.
Sex is always a lights out groping affair. He never 'sets the mood' - we don't work up to it which I think makes it hard for me, I'm sure he doesn't need all that!

It was his birthday 2 days ago and despite giving him nice pressies, making dinner for him, the fact that I was so tired I fell asleep and didn't give him a bj means he was upset! I mean really? Is that fair??

Im struggling with a health condition at the moment - it's chronic and makes me really tired. He doesn't buy that as an excuse saying I've always been this unloving.

I need to turn this around asap as I'm worried one day he'll just up and leave.

Any advice??

OP posts:
hugoagogo · 29/11/2018 07:35

What are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like hard work.

Luglio · 29/11/2018 07:38

Advice? How about 'Let him go'?

He wants you to shut up and suck his dick. What a prince.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 29/11/2018 07:40

It sounds like he just wants more sex.
He doesn’t seem to care about you though. The fact that he doesn’t care that you’re ill or can even be bothered to make sex a more pleasant experience for you shows how self centred he is.

Storminateacup1 · 29/11/2018 07:42

He didn’t get a bj, so he’s upset? Jesus, is he a teenager?

If DH said that to me I’d be keeping tighter lipped than usual.
What a fool.

I think if you haven’t already, sit down together and explain what you need from him, and give him time to explain what he needs from you in order for this to work.

Let him know that he needs to try too, otherwise it’s really just not going to work out, it’s not your job to fulfill his desires especially when you get bugger all in return.

snowone · 29/11/2018 07:43

Have you explained how you feel regarding romance and 'building up' to actual sex? Maybe if he took your perspective on board then you may be inclined to be more 'affectionate'.

A marriage is a 2 way relationship - I'm afraid yours sounds very 1 way.

Just FYI - I'd be absolutely ripping mad if my husband demanded a BJ, he'd be waiting for a very very Long time!!Angry

ballsdeep · 29/11/2018 07:43

He sounds like a. Child and incredibly hard work.
Get rid of him

BeeMyBaby · 29/11/2018 08:27

Do you have children (if so what ages)? My point with this question is could you not do stuff earlier in the day when you are not so tired? Or have a nap - basically more self care so that you have a better sex drive yourself? TBH if I just got DH a present and cooked him dinner then I don't think he would feel incredibly loved, maybe for Christmas you could get vouchers for a meal together so you can both enjoy yourselves and you are not so tired. Tell him you love him randomly throughout the day, lots of hugs I guess.

Thingsdogetbetter · 29/11/2018 08:31

He doesn't want you to show him you love him. He simply wants sex on his terms when he wants it. I assume the affection and touching he talks about is the type that leads to sex? You want romance, he wants sex for him. You get no romance, but still you're all stressed about giving him what he wants. Has he done anything to try and fulfill your wants??

If neither of you are getting what you need, why are you so worried about him leaving? Surely it would be better if the ungrateful, sulking, unromantic, lousy shag left?

LizzieSiddal · 29/11/2018 08:38

It’s all about him isn’t it? He sounds extremely selfish.

Why is this all on you? You’re asking how to show him Love. Has he been asking how to have sex with his wife so she enjoys it? Thought not.

Original poster
sunshine05 · 29/11/2018 11:37

BeeMyBaby we have 3 kids. It's exhausting! We rarely get time to ourselves apart from the one hour after the eldest has gone to bed. So in terms of doing stuff earlier in the day that just isn't possible...

Yeah I feel like he's being selfish but when I dare to mention that he just says it isn't all about sex, its about him not feeling wanted, not feeling loved. I'm not tactile enough apparently, not physical enough. I do kiss him, cuddle up to him on the sofa, hug him etc. So tbh I don't really get it either.

Thingsdogetbetter I'm not sure if he always wants it to lead to sex but I guess I hold back sometimes not wanting to initiate things if I'm not in the mood/too tired. He says I never intitate anything. He's probably not far wrong, but that's who I am, how I've always been. I don't see how I can change.

And to all those people saying LTB, it's not quite that simple. We have a life together, kids, it's not all bad. Like all marriages there are neglected areas that we need to work on....I'm not going to throw it all away just because of this

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshine05 · 29/11/2018 11:40

I think we seriously need therapy but I don't think he'd ever agree. He would only listen to what I feel I need if a 3rd party was there relaying it over to him! When I tell him I need romance he says I'm the one that's not loving, that needs to change. GRR, he's impossible to reason with, he won't listen!!

He thinks I'm being incredibly selfish and it's all about me. That was our argument when I said I was sorry but I was really tired.

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 29/11/2018 11:59

I think you both need to be very specific.
Have a conversation about what you both actually need from each other.
When he says he needs you to be more loving, what does he actually need? More time with you? More hugs and kisses? More intimacy?

When you say you need romance, what does that mean to you? Flowers? gifts? Words about how he feels about you? Affectionate touching?

Have a conversation about what stops you from doing those things (any barriers like holding back affection because youre tired and don’t want it to lead to sex) and how you can achieve work towards fulfilling what you need from each other.

Then put it into action.

Trinity66 · 29/11/2018 12:01

And how can he show you that he loves you? This needs addressing also, he sounds selfish and only cares about his own needs (which btw don't sound like affection but sexual, however he'd like to dress it up)

Storminateacup1 · 29/11/2018 12:01

Jeez, it’s sounds like gaslighting to me.

It’s all your fault? Er, not a chance.
If you need a third person there so he will listen to you, surely that’s not healthy? Has he always been like this?

Original poster
sunshine05 · 29/11/2018 12:22

ILiveInSalemsLot this sounds like a good idea telling eachother what we need, but I don't know how we'd do it without it turning into blaming and arguing. I know he'd just say you've never done this or don't do that rather than looking at it in a more subjective way, standing back and not getting emotional or upset about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshine05 · 29/11/2018 12:24

Storminateacup1 well on certain things he won't listen/is very stubborn but I'm sure I am too! Hmm

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 29/11/2018 12:34

Would arranging something in advance for a certain time/date work? I know not everyone will agree with this (and lots will hate the idea) but "scheduling in" a date night for say two hours? The first hour he does things that you like. Be specific like a PP suggested. Buy you flowers, massage your shoulders, cook an (easy) meal you like, kiss the back of your neck - whatever it is that makes you feel loved. Tell him what you want in advance so he knows. Second hour - things he likes. Yes sex is likely to feature here, but it might take the pressure off knowing that it is within a specific timeframe, and that he will have made an effort to make you feel loved first? I know it sounds really artificial and probably strange, but maybe arranging things this way just a couple of times might make you feel closer to each other, and both more loved and appreciated?

ILiveInSalemsLot · 29/11/2018 12:37

Op the idea is to look to the future and work out how you can both be happier from now on.
There is absolutely no point in looking backwards and bringing up grievances.
That’s not how this will work and you need to be clear with dh on that.
Maybe you can both start by writing it down?

AgentJohnson · 29/11/2018 12:39

I remember having many a discussion with Ex about this and in the end he was only interested in me ‘putting out more’, the ‘problem’ was mine and not his. In the end I stopped trying to talk to him and realised he just wanted an orrifice to ejaculate into, my emotionally and physical needs just weren’t important to him.

When the relationship finally broke down I was relieved. The very thought of being pawed at by him made me nauseous.

bitheby · 29/11/2018 12:40

He really sounds very selfish. Would him leaving be so bad?

Anyway, google love languages as it might help. We all have different ways of feeling loved so if you both look at it then it might open up some communication around it.

RivanQueen · 29/11/2018 12:42

I agree with PP's OP that when he tells you, you aren't "affectionate" enough what he's actually saying is you're not having sex or giving him a BJ often enough. I expect he knows that if he phrases it as "not feeling wanted" or "not feeling loved" you will feel guilty and confused which puts you on the back foot thinking about what you can do to make it better instead of thinking about how this is also affecting you and what he could also be doing to make the intimacy in your relationship better.
The fact that you can't have a discussion with him about this is very sad to hear, and that he will only listen to a 3rd party relaying info to him WTF is that about?? He should be listening to his wife about how she is feeling not dismissing you and waiting till someone not involved in your relationship comes in and points out what you're feeling. Realistically when is that going to happen? Outside of a councillor or therapist you have asked to take on the role of 3rd party who in your life would willing put themselves in that position and in the middle of your relationship? By doing this he is simply dismissing his responsibility to be a part of the relationship and taking no accountability for his actions and your subsequent reactions.

I understand that it's not so simple to just up and LTB but I think you need to have a serious think about what your DH is bringing to your relationship, what you're expectations are and if it's worth finding a way to make it work. It's clear from your posts that things cannot continue the way they are, you don't sound like you're happy and you should be.

Stereomum · 29/11/2018 12:44

Going through similar with mine, it seems he is only happy with sex on tap and it's getting right on my nerves. All my fault of course as I've changed!

OverTheHedgeSammy · 29/11/2018 12:45

Bullshit it's not all about the sex. Of course it's all about the sex. He's just saying it's not all about a the sex because he knows full well that it would make him sound and look like an arse otherwise.

The proof is in what you have said here, you are tactile, you make him special meals, you go out of your way to make him feel wanted and special.

Adora10 · 29/11/2018 12:50

He sounds really horrible and massively immature, why would you want sex with someone that made you feel so shit; about time you told him to get to fuck with his attitude OP.

combatbarbie · 29/11/2018 12:54

Erm it's a two way street.... If he wants sex, he needs to set the scene.... simples..... both are happy