How can I show my husband I love him?

[sunshine05]

I wrote on here months ago about my husband complaining I don't show him enough affection, I thought I'd managed to be more tactile, show him more that I love him but tbh I don't think anything has changed.

I feel like neither of us get what we want from our relationship. I want more romance, he wants more affection/touching/sex.
Sex is always a lights out groping affair. He never 'sets the mood' - we don't work up to it which I think makes it hard for me, I'm sure he doesn't need all that!

It was his birthday 2 days ago and despite giving him nice pressies, making dinner for him, the fact that I was so tired I fell asleep and didn't give him a bj means he was upset! I mean really? Is that fair??

Im struggling with a health condition at the moment - it's chronic and makes me really tired. He doesn't buy that as an excuse saying I've always been this unloving.

I need to turn this around asap as I'm worried one day he'll just up and leave.

Any advice??

OP I have had interstitial cystitis for 27 years and off and on I've had pain with daily life and sex would be very painful and my husband would never dare pressure me. I've not had a lot of pain lately but I'm on a Rx for it. Your posts do not paint a flattering picture of your husband tbh. If you want a good relationship both of you should be willing to work together through counseling be it joint marriage or individual. Good luck.

Ok so I have to jump back in; this just gets worse.

Of course he knows it's cheating; he's hardly going to admit it especially when he blames you for everything, no doubt what he did was your fault as well.

Honestly, good luck, I have no idea why you think you deserve so little in a relationship; it's all on his terms; you sound borderline subservient to him to him; I think if you had time away from him you would realise how much he has conditioned you to ensure you meet his every whim, and take his every negative comment on and blame yourself, it's really sad reading.

I would suggest you both go to counselling if you want to carry on with this; he needs someone to seriously give his head a wobble, having said that, I think it's just his nature.

Sorry to be so direct but I think you need honest advice here; stop letting him control you.

What a strange update, you’re saying he’s great (apart from the sex/touchy feeley stuff) and you don’t want to break up as you have a family, but you’re now saying he has little respect for the boundaries of both you and your relationship?

It doesn’t sound like you’re over it no, and how could you be when he was probably just acting sorry, when really he thinks you’re overreacting.

Oh dear, it just keeps looking worse and worse from what you're saying about him OP. It doesn't sound like he takes your feelings or needs into consideration at all. I felt quite sad to read this: he does tell me how much he loves me but he doesn't do those thoughtful romantic gestures...pouring me a glass of wine and telling me to have a bath whilst he makes dinner. When I heard a friends hubby did that I was amazed, some men actually do that?!! Yes, absolutely there are men that do this, lots of them. It's so easy to say the words 'I love you', just open your mouth and out come the words. To show someone you love them, respect them, cherish them take far more effort than mouthing a few words at them and then expecting they will roll on their back so they can be groped in the dark while they have an ongoing medical condition just so he can get his rocks off Words can be no more than wind and the old saying 'you are what you do, not what you say' is very true.

Purely based on what you have written about him, his actions towards you and how you are feeling I would be taking a BIG step back and really assessing your relationship. Not just what he's getting out of it but what you are getting out of it, what you want to get out of it and whether you are both demonstrating how to have a healthy relationship to your children.

IliveInSalemsLot I don't know....I guess I felt like I haven't given the whole story and it could be part of the reason we have issues in our relationship

EKGEMS I was diagnosed with IC too...until I went to see a specialist who said I have an infection (even though dip stick tests at the doc were negative) I wish you all the best, they're both horrible things to have and I wouldn't wish it on anyone

Storminateacup I don't think it's a strange update, just being honest. I thought if I didn't tell the whole story then people can't really see what the issues are....

RivanQueen I can see what you mean. I think I'm going to have to broach seeing a marriage counsellor again....but I can't force him. I think it'd help me to talk to someone but if he won't go how will he ever know what he's doing is wrong/not fair/selfish?

Op you said you haven’t got over it. How do you really feel about your dh?
It seems like you’re focussed on trying to fix things but not really addressing what’s actually really going on for you emotionally.
I was wondering if your update is a way for you to start really addressing some deep issues.

That bladder thing sounds horrendous.

Not all men are like that honestly, my DH has a high sex drive when I was pregnant I had a cervical stitch and was in a lot of pain, he was fab about it. I'm not trying to brag he's far from perfect just show you being pressured for sex when your poorly isn't normal and sounds a lot like abuse.

I think putting it to him that you want to see a marriage councillor is a good idea. Would him not going to see someone be a deal breaker for you? I'm not a big advocate of ultimatums but given that he's been so stubborn about it in the past you might have to really put your foot down, push the point and make it an ultimatum to get him to go. If he refuses even in the face of you explaining how important it is to you and the future of your relationship then that speaks volumes about his commitment to making it work and where you sit in his priorities.

I hope he agrees and puts you first but I must admit I think he's going to refuse and show you with his actions once again that you don't matter to him and his comfort and sexual requirements are all that are important to him.

I think that you seeing a councillor on your own is a very good idea, it would help you to realise that you are important!. You are worthwhile. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You are worthy of being loved and treated with love.
You are not in this life just to give a man sexual gratification, bear his children, make his food, clean up after him and blindly accept that he is going to sext other women because 8 months after you've given birth to your 3rd child he isn't getting enough attention (poor didums ).

Get yourself to a counsellor on your own.
Talk about your life and how you feel.

This is not normal btw. Every man I’ve been with enjoys enjoying the whole sex process.

I really don’t understand why you would want to be with someone who is basically using you as a wank sock once a week, and is pissed off that you don’t want to be used as one more often.

Everything in life is about respect. If it was your birthday and you wanted some action, would you get into a sulk if it didn’t happen.

And that’s aside from him being a cheating cunt. Which is a whole other level.

Also about this - if he won't go how will he ever know what he's doing is wrong/not fair/selfish? ; even on the off chance that he does agree to go to counselling, there is no guarantee that he will ever see that the way he is behaving is wrong/not fair/selfish, no matter what you or the counsellor say. The chances that someone will change are slim and as you've said he's pretty much always been this way so you might want to prepare yourself for the outcome that nothing changes because he's not willing to change.

He is the problem, not you. He is a selfish, cheating twat!

As a guy, I'm generally up for sex, but if my DP grabbed me by the belt and said "Right here, right now" apropos nothing at all, I think it'd be about 50-50 as to whether I would actually enjoy it all that much. Like, yes, it'd feel good physically, but I'd feel a bit... cheap?

I really like the buildup to sex - long kissing, touching, taking clothes off step by step, taking turns with the oral, any toys we fancy, etc etc. Candles and nice music are a plus.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that all men are happy or even satisfied with "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am". A quickie can be fun, but both partners have to be aware that it's coming, and be equally turned on by the idea, and even then, there's at least SOME making out beforehand.

The whole "lights out, clothes off, penis in vagina" approach and expecting a blowjob on his birthday sounds straight out of the 1950s. A bit weird in 2018 tbh. Like... what's going so badly wrong the other 364 days of the year that blowjobs never happen? I can't even imagine how my DP would respond if I said that I was only going muff diving on her birthday... I think I'd be just a little bit less sad than she was! Reciprocal oral is really kind of entry-level stuff when it comes to the bedroom.

It sounds like you've tried to talk to him about this, but it hasn't made much of an impact, apart from the suggestions above, I'm not sure what else you can do. Just wanted to make it clear that he's very abnormal, from my point of view.

Thank you OP! I wish you better health and peace.

OP, I had an ex like this. I did not have a marriage or kids to think about though. But I was with him for 10 years. He was my second ever relationship and I spent a long time being afraid of leaving. Consequently, I put up with a great dealing psychological crap that damaged me.

My ex used to do the same. Say I didn't care about him, get stroppy and grumpy if I didn't have sex. It was the worst turn off. He didn't give a toss about my depression or whether I wanted it. He said he did but ultimately his frustrations were paramount to everything else 🙄

This led to years of grinding me down til I would have sex with him when I didn't really want to. Co-erced into it. Towards the end, he used to make my skin crawl. I just didn't want to even be touched by him.

Coupled with finding myself and my freedom again, I saw the relationship for what it was and called off our engagement.

I am not saying your OH will do the same but you need to be careful he doesn't grind you down. I think an honest and open conversation (either between you or in therapy) is required. You both need to listen to each other and not be offended. It's a touchy subject but the better option is honesty.

I can't just jump into bed either. I need a bit of a build up. In fact, the bigger the build up the better. Ultimately, you may be one of those people that shows your love in other ways and he isn't acknowledging them - it certainly seems that's the case with his comment about "you don't give a shit about me" after you'd given him a nice birthday 🤔

Listen to Sethis, OP. He talks sense. The thing that turned DH on most was my excitement. And vice versa. If I wasn't up for it he didn't want to know. We had a great sex life because we were loving, empathetic and erotically generous.

Your DH is crap in bed: selfish and entitled. No wonder you're not interested. Add to that your health problems and he's bloody lucky you're prepared to even contemplate sex with him. I wouldn't. And if a man told me I ought to give him a BJ I'd get as frosty as a snowman.

You feel unloved because his attitude is unloving. If you can't get your DH to seek counselling with you, going yourself, as PP have suggested, might be helpful.