How can I show my husband I love him?

[sunshine05]

I wrote on here months ago about my husband complaining I don't show him enough affection, I thought I'd managed to be more tactile, show him more that I love him but tbh I don't think anything has changed.

I feel like neither of us get what we want from our relationship. I want more romance, he wants more affection/touching/sex.
Sex is always a lights out groping affair. He never 'sets the mood' - we don't work up to it which I think makes it hard for me, I'm sure he doesn't need all that!

It was his birthday 2 days ago and despite giving him nice pressies, making dinner for him, the fact that I was so tired I fell asleep and didn't give him a bj means he was upset! I mean really? Is that fair??

Im struggling with a health condition at the moment - it's chronic and makes me really tired. He doesn't buy that as an excuse saying I've always been this unloving.

I need to turn this around asap as I'm worried one day he'll just up and leave.

Any advice??

Sounds a shit and exhausting way to live OP. He is selfish, doesn’t care about your needs and just wants sex on tap. And as for making you feel guilty for being tired 🙄

It doesn’t sound like he is going to listen to you or compromise. And those are integral parts of solving relationship issues.

When you're in a LTR with small kids and very limited couple time then foreplay has to start at breakfast, by which I mean that you pay each other erotic attention without any actual sex.

When DH and I were in this position we were too tired for a lot of sex so we'd plan "date nights". Then we'd exchange glances over the DC's heads through the day and give each other special intimate smiles. A quick stroke of the shoulder as you walk past.. That sort of thing. By the time we were alone we were both very much focused on each other and seriously turned on.

Your DH doesn't seem to realize that unless you are finding sex meets your needs for emotional intimacy and romance you're not going to be keen. He needs to make the experience better for you.

Perhaps talk to him on those terms - that sex isn't working for you and you both need to change things. He may never have considered that your lack of enthusiasm is caused by him being a selfish lover.

Prawnofthepatriarchy yeah perhaps we should set a date night- sounds like it might be a good idea. In the past we used to have a takeaway, light candles, watch a film, now we just watch a film, all other romantic ideas have gone out the window. Perhaps like you say, building it up more would work.

He seems to think I'm abnormal- that other women like spontaneous sex (and I'm sure they do) and they jump on their man in fits of lust....well I'm just not like that! I have done it in the past....once or twice but I admit these days I just don't get turned on by the flick of a f*king switch and why should I be apologetic about it? Sometimes I don't feel like sex but a bit of touching etc and then I do- that's just how my body/mind works.

I get that I might have to make extra effort when I don't feel like it to keep him happy...but at the same time it makes me feel like some sort of sex slave/sad housewife who has 'duties' to perform.

He's always thought it's my issue/my fault so I don't know how I can make him see it's a two way thing. He does buy me flowers sometimes, he is tactile (although admittedly it's more groping than gentle touches!- which sometimes piss me off) and he does tell me how much he loves me but he doesn't do those thoughtful romantic gestures...pouring me a glass of wine and telling me to have a bath whilst he makes dinner. When I heard a friends hubby did that I was amazed, some men actually do that?!!

combatbarbie I agree with you....but he doesn't! Men seem to get turned on instantly….doesn't happen that way with me

and this health issue...a chronic uti that is being treated...has really affected me. first I was diagnosed with IC (like irritated bladder) he's just bloody lucky I can still have sex as some people with this can't!! I get waves of exhaustion sometimes (like today) but he's not very empathetic. he tries to be but its like he just can't put himself in someone elses shoes very easily. When I tell him he's not being sympathetic enough he apologises but then it's like all his sympathy is a bit false?

Stereomum I sympathise then if you're going through the same! I think my dh gets REALLY agitated if he's sexually frustrated which makes him blow it all out of proportion at the time. Last night it was 'you don't give a shit about me' I mean ffs he knows that's not true. Talk about trying to make me feel bad!

No a lot of men like foreplay OP, they don't just dive in straight to it, I think you are confusing your OH with every other man.

The more you post the more horrid he sounds, groping and expecting sex on the spot, he does fuck all and expects you to run around after him, why are you doing this.

And I can tell you he wouldn't make me feel bad, his actions are vile towards you, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with such a selfish self entitled prat, sorry but can't think of one positive to say about him.

bittheby thanks I'll look that book up. I think I've heard of it....I tried another book Men are from Mars.. etc but it was a bit rubbish

I need to turn this around asap as I'm worried one day he'll just up and leave.

I'd be opening the door wide for him now, do you seriously think a good kind man would leave his partner because one, she has a chronic condition with exhausts her and two, after cooking him a meal and buying him a lovely present she forgot the BJ, I mean really, are you so much in awe of this git?

thanks RivanQueen yeah you're right, I'm not really that happy but doesn't sound like he is either. We're happy 'as a family' we have 3 gorgeous kids, a good life together but he's quite a strong character and has a temper...which leads to him upsetting me then I get upset and don't want to give him affection...then he gets upset with not getting any affection. I've said to him before 'well if you were nicer to me I'd want to!' but he STILL doesn't think it's about him, he thinks it's my issues with not being able to be intimate/tactile. For me emotions/issues in the relationship are directly linked to whether I want to be close to/have sex with him. To him I think he can compartmentalise so we'll have a fight or whatever, he may say sorry (but sometimes even if he's said sorry I'm still hurting) and then later he'll want sex. We're SO different

Believe it or not OP men want the same, they are not all jumping on our bones in order to satisfy themselves, they also want to be close to you first, be romantic, kind....makes the sex much better as well.

I can't believe your serious health issue, is, for him, your own fault; I feel really sorry for you having to live with someone so uncaring.

I don't know any woman that would want sex with a man so obviously apathetic to a woman's wants.

Adora10 I can see I'm not posting a very rosy picture of him....but of course this post is all about the negative stuff.....

I feel mixed emotions about it. Sometimes all is rosy and I'm happy...other times I wonder if I married the wrong man. But when I see the future without him all I see is pain and heartache. I know I've not married the easiest of people. He IS good, he is kind, he is an amazing father, he is a great role model for them in terms of being driven, focussed, achieving things, doing lots of sports etc....but he can also be grumpy, unreasonable and demanding. But doesn't everyone have their flaws?

Adora10 he never said my health condition is my own fault.

it's chronic and makes me really tired. He doesn't buy that as an excuse

Sorry if I got that wrong then OP but the above would make me think he has not a jot of concern for you.

Yeah we all have flaws but to me he sounds really selfish and uncaring and not kind at all; that would destroy a marriage.

I will bow out now, you ask how you can show him how much you love him, I would say you already do that, I think the issue here is him thinking you are there to service him sexually with no thought for your enjoyment etc health condition; I couldn't be with a man like that, he's too negative and far too selfish.

thanks for your opinion Adora10 I don't know what to think right now.....head is a right mess x

Heavens above you have a chronic UTI-type issue and he’s pressuring you for sex? I cannot imagine wanting anything to do with sex if something was amiss in that department.

This is an intimacy thing. You sound like you are affectionate. But he wants more. There is a big difference between sex and intimacy and for a lot of folk in committed long term relationships it’s the intimacy that is a prelude to sex. Otherwise it’s just a command that “NOW WE FUCK” and that warms nobody up.

Also: someone cleverer than me will be along to tell you about a sex therapist who has her own podcast... Ruth something... it’s a myth that ace is always spontaneous and that a lack of spontaneous bonking = your relationship is in the toilet. It’s a myth.

Your DH sounds like a man who needs to rein in his ego and approach this a different way. He sounds like a bombastic selfish arse, and blaming you is a very worrying sign.

he is a great role model for them in terms of being driven, focussed, achieving things, doing lots of sports etc..

But is that what's really important? Is he a great role model in terms of showing them affection, making them feel safe and loved and able to go out into the world from a secure emotional base?

Is the way he treats you symbolic of the way he approaches all his relationships?

bittheby the kids get all the role modelling of those things you mention from me. At least they get it from someone! Yeah I know what you mean....

PaulHollywoodsSexGut (nice name by the way) yeah sometimes if I have bladder pain obviously having a man on top of me is the last thing I want! Luckily symptoms aren't that severe usually...it's just something that might take a long time to eradicate (I'm on longterm antibiotics to try and get rid of it). We probably dtd around once a week on average which I don't think is all that terrible. I'm sure he'll say it's once a month

PaulHollywoodSexGut Yes exactly....I need intimacy/a build up to sex. He reckons if I fancied him I should want to have sex with him when he wants it! I think he's having a mid life crisis - or maybe he's always been an egotistical arse. We've had a few instances where he's flirted with other women I know I'm only painting a worse picture of him here....and he's really upset me. He was so sorry for what he did but he said he felt like he wasn't getting the attention he 'needed' from me. (one incident happened maybe 8 months after the birth of my 3rd)

ok I'll come clean. He actually sent pics of himself half naked to an ex work colleague via email. I found it 4 years later....he was mortified, said it hasn't happened since etc.....but I'm not sure if I'm over it.

in his boxers with a boner....

god it's so ridiculous. At the time I sent him an article about whether sexting is cheating as although he was sorry he said it wasn't cheating. After reading it he said he could see now why I thought it was cheating. This is what I mean when he doesn't believe my arguments. It took me sending him something to read to convince him!!

What made you post that update op?