It's November 2018, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.
Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.
This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)
So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families
toomuchtooold · 28/11/2018 16:34
NameChange you shouldn't have needed to be the daughter that your mother wanted - you get the children that you get, and a good parent will learn to love them however little you have in common. But in any case, you and she not being naturally sympathetic to each other doesn't explain why she screamed and shouted at you, why she wouldn't let you in the house, why she didn't let you play with your friends, why she wasn't interested in your progress at school, why she would leave you alone when your allergies and asthma meant that you should be supervised or why she made you an unpaid skivvy in her house. That's abuse and neglect, and nobody deserves any of that. I'm guessing it has already occurred to you that your OCD and other behavioural issues were probably caused by the neglect and lack of love (your mother may feel attached to you, but she didn't actually show you very much love at all)? Your mother has probably told herself (and others) the story that the difficult circumstances of your birth, coupled with your intelligence, made you unparentable, and I think you believe that as well a little. But from where I'm standing the idea that you would react to your child that was because they were born premature and had serious possibly life limiting health conditions is abhorrent, frankly. I think you are trying too hard to understand your mother in the hope that you can meet her halfway. But I think she has no incentive to meet you halfway. She wants to think of herself as a saviour - to your aunt (an adult), your grandpa (ditto), your sisters (who presumably decided to have children on their own initiative) and at the middle of it there's this little kid who really needs help and has no other place to get it than her mother - but nobody gives you any pats on the back for looking after your own children, there's no glory in that. I think she will always want to deny what life was like for you, sweep it under the carpet, and retain her view of herself as infinitely caring and giving. Have you come across the concept of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Obviously none of us here is a psychiatrist (AFAIK 
) and we haven't met your mother so we couldn't diagnose her but if you haven't come across it you might find some of the ideas and dynamics familiar.
Lizzie it's hard isn't it? IIRC your mother keeps everything very nice on the surface and your relationship is quite cordial? But the problem with these dysfunctional relationships is that they don't tolerate any conflict - I'm guessing there's no way that you and your mother could acknowledge to each other that a 6 hour car trip together might be hard going, no way to acknowledge that the relationship may not be completely sweetness and light - but at the same time if you do try and remove yourself from the situation, your mother will correctly suspect that it has to do with her.
Can you cut down the amount of time that you spend there? Tell them the kids are very tired from school or that you're worried that xyz cold/virus they've just had is a sign of them getting run down and you want to spend a few days holed up in the house getting some rest? But if you can't shorten the trip, can you find escape routes? plan to do some stuff just with your kids while you're there, or even offer to take them all out for the day? Can you make the sleeping arrangements better - if there's not much room or privacy, if you or your mother are going to be sleeping in the dining room or whatever, could you go to a hotel? Can you get your DH to run interference and change the subject if your mother's getting on your nerves? Or use my MIL's technique which is to feign a headache and go and take a nap? I really like that my MIL does that at ours - I like to think that she and I have sort of silently accepted that we can deal with a certain dose of each other, and that's OK - like I say, I think it's a sign of dysfunction when family relationships can't tolerate being imperfect.
God, I really miss my dad at these times.
Steve if I had your phone right now I'd be sorely tempted to steal it off you and text "who dis?" back to your brother. Is it some sort of "Christmas won't be the same without you, brother who we pretend is responsible for all our problems" type thing?
Sorry to hear you're back in hospital again - I hope you're back out soon 
Hi Steve
Sorry to read that you need a further op; I hope it has gone well for you and that you can go home asap .
Happy birthday also for the 26th December
.
Will raise a glass to you and all fellow Stately Homers at Christmas time .
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.