"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's November 2018, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

[avocadoincident]

My eldest and I are close and open. She has witnessed my mother's behaviour so many times and been on the receiving end of it herself. Bless her, she offered to tell my mum about the baby if I wanted her to but I would never put her in that position.

The reason we are NC...where do I start? She was lovely (I think) when I was very little and also close to my daughter when she was very young but as soon as anyone gets a mind of her own she doesn't like it. She's manipulative, lies, and thrives on arguments. She does not have any stable relationships with anyone. She will not take any responsibility for any argument. She never respected me when I was a parent to my own daughter, often over riding me and doing her own thing.
There are many examples I could give but so many I have blocked out.

I paid for counselling last year and it helped a lot. The counsellor said it sounded as if my mother has borderline personality disorder. That helped to know but then I think k should I be supporting her through her mental health problems.

She has never tried to see me or contact me during 6 years. I would never allow that to happen with my own children.

[Milliy]

Avocado. my Mother and Father went to another country and didn't try and see me for over 25 years. They turned up when one was ill. I brought up my children without them in my life as I didn't know where they were but I was very happy to do so. I didn't want their toxic behaviour focused on my children.

[Milliy]

Avocado counselling helped me too. Just because your mother has a personality disorder doesn't mean it's your responsibility to support her. She won't ever see that she needs to work on herself as she thinks she's always right. The guilt is hard but accept you feel guilty as an emotion but learn to step back from the feeling and not act. Let it go

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Avocado

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

It is not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way, her own family did that. Guilt is truly a useless emotion in your case and you are not responsible for your mother.

What forms of contact take place between your mother and your daughter. Has your daughter considered lowering contact levels?
I would read up on narcissistic personality disorder with regards to your mother and see how much of that fits in with your own experience of her.

[avocadoincident]

Well I'm really glad I posted here. Everyone has been really helpful. I think I'll just reread your comments over and over to keep me focused. Normally I don't think of it at all but Christmas is a test, it's both our birthdays this month too and I often feel sad that she's getting older alone and I wonder who will do the practical elements of her care as she ages.
Funnily enough I never feel sad on my own birthday that she's not been in touch yet like I said earlier I wouldn't dream of allowing a situation to keep me from my own children. That's what I can't get over really, the fact she can just walk away and stay away.

[avocadoincident]

@AttilaTheMeerkat there is sporadic text contact between my mum and daughter. Clusters of messages and then nothing for months and months. During contact periods they may meet for lunch but it's as little as twice a year. But still it's like a bomb waiting to go off. I feel it's inevitable that my mum will find out about the baby and my eldest will take the brunt of it. She says she's ok with that but already the guilt is obvious

[Milliy]

If your daughter continues this contact I hope she won't feel guilty and beholden to your mother and feel that she needs to attend to her in older age. It's hard isn't it. It is hard to deal with the guilt. I'm trying very hard to not feel responsible because I'm not.

[Lizzie48]

@avocadoincident

She was lovely (I think) when I was very little and also close to my daughter when she was very young but as soon as anyone gets a mind of her own she doesn't like it.

Yes this is familiar to me as my abusive father was like this. He could be a very fun daddy with us, and would often play with us. But when we started to have our own opinions about things, he hated it! We were never allowed to disagree with him. (He was an ardent Tory, and that was the only right way to vote according to him.)

I do think looking back that he was a narcissist. He was made that way by his family history and through bad things happening to his family during World War II, and he wasn't a well man in later years, with Parkinson's Disease. So we always made excuses for him.

But a lifetime of walking on eggshells and always having to tow the line is exhausting and it's very emotionally damaging.

My DM used to walk on eggshells as well. She taught us that the person wronged in an argument should make the first move to put it right, be the one to make a cup of tea. So wrongs weren't addressed, they were buried under the carpet, as it wasn't right to hold grudges. It sounded very noble and I bought it for many years, but it's resulted in a lifetime of hurts that weren't dealt with.

I only now understand how wrong that was.

Thankfully for me, I don't have to even think about contact with my F, as he's dead. (There was SA involved as well in any case, so it definitely wouldn't be happening!). It's more complicated with my DM, as she means well, but she doesn't like talking about anything unpleasant, she just gets upset, which is hard work.

[Wrybread]

Ack. Dm phoned me yesterday. I only answered because my sister has been ill and I was worried something had gone wrong.

No.

She wanted me to meet up with them so I could reconcile with them. And that means that as well as my dad bring willing to apologise. I would have to apologise.

Except they have rewritten what really happened to a version full of lies where I caused all the problems. Rather than the actual version where F behaved badly and I left.

And they forgot about the abusive and manipulative emails they also sent....I didn't mention that though.

Mum said how she wants to see us over Christmas. I said she was welcome to take the dc out. But she insisted that we all needed to come together.

I made the mistake of trying to explain why I can't do that, naming some specific things F had done over many years.

DM firstly tried to say maybe F has dementia.

Then that the things I mentioned didn't happen.

Then she tried religious coercion.

And that's when I got angry.

I told her that she was trying religious coercion and that she was being abusive.....so that really didn't go well, and she kept saying the same religious coercive things. And I ended up shouting at her that she was abusive and I wouldn't let her use religious coercion on me.

My dh heard must of the phone call and he agrees that she was being manipulative and abusive. It was good he was there because I'm so used to second guessing myself and minimising their behaviour.

I don't even know what I think or feel about it, today.

I can't believe that I actually named the behaviour. I wish I could have done it calmly. But I'm so anxious when I'm on the phone or face to face with either of them. It feels like I can only dare to say it like that. So she'll probably explain it away as me being hysterical etc.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Wrybread

Did she call you on your landline; I would get caller id for your landline if you do not already have it. I would block her number anyway and prevent all means of her contacting you going forward.

I do not blame you at all for acting as you did, anyone would have done the same. You cannot reason at all with the unreasonable. But you need to protect yourself more going forward.

Would suggest too that you do not let your parents anywhere near your children. If your parents are too toxic/difficult/abusive for you to deal with, its the same deal for your kids also. Do not inflict them on your children. Toxic parents turn out to be toxic grandparents more often than not and use the kids to get back at the parents.

[Wrybread]

It was on my mobile.

My siblings and my F all have ill health, so I've not blocked their (DM and F) numbers in case of emergencies. But I'm starting to think that I need to. Or just to ignore phone calls and then they can always text in an emergency?

DM has always been very good with my dc and they miss her. It's very sad.

She did actually say during the phone call (when talking about us all needing to be there with them) something along the lines of me needing to be there too and not wanting to say something that might upset the dc if they ask why I'm not there. Grr!

I told her that the dc already know that there's a problem at the moment.

But I did feel like she was almost threatening to say something not nice if I wasn't there too.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I feel bad for reacting like that towards them. I would love to be calm and reasonable. I actually did manage it until the last bit of the phone call.

But she really refuses to understand that I don't feel that emotionally safe around F.

And she has completely wiped out from her memory, some stunningly bad behaviour by my dad. She even told me that the one thing she did remember, happened in a completely different time and place.

It didn't.

I get flashbacks. I know exactly where I was when it happened.

But my F is a headworker. He's probably worked on her memory of it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Wrybread

I would in any case keep your children well away from your parents because of how you as their mother is treated by them. I would also look into ignoring their phone calls, perhaps your sister can call you on a separate phone number.

[Wrybread]

I think you're right. I've just been hoping that it wouldn't come to that.

Excuses I'm telling myself:

• My dsis and I have each others numbers. But if something serious happened, it's likely my dm would ring.

• If I block their number then my dc won't be able to ring them on Christmas day /birthdays etc to wish them well etc.

• I want to keep communication possible in case a miracle happens and they respect my decision

But basically it feels like a really big step to take.

All their behaviour shows they don't respect my boundaries and have no understanding or wish to understand how harmful their actions are.

Dm has a shared religious belief with me. My dad supposedly does but his actions over the last few years say otherwise.

I reckon dm has been praying and feeling that we need to reconcile. I don't think they realise that reconciliation isn't possible when there's gas lighting going on and continuing manipulation. Given they're not willing to admit what they're actually doing, and say sorry for that, I can't exactly forgive them for it.

And I'm not willing to lie and pretend I've done things that I haven't, and that I'm sorry for the pretend things...Just so F doesn't lose face and can tell himself/others that I apologised too. Especially as I'm pretty sure they'd want me to also apologise for saying he's abusive.

[TheDistantSky]

Checking in. Dreading the holidays. Still think it "wasn't that bad" but the critical voice in my head is quieter now.

NC for a year and a half. Ended up in a wheelchair this summer and they didn't even get in touch to see if I'm ok; they just keep moaning about how awful I am.

The FOG is lifting. Slowly but surely. And I've been offered CAT therapy on the NHS; 24 sessions to help deal with it all.

[TheDistantSky]

@SpareBedroom just wanted to say that what you said about your mum being two people; mum and X really helped me.

[TheDistantSky]

I have a question actually; could one change from being the Golden Child or Saviour and become the Scapegoat over time?

Could the dynamics change and siblings switch roles?

[Wrybread]

TheDistantSky Yes, I've seen it happen with some extended family. Golden child was revealed as a not nice person. And their not nice behaviour had affected the parents.

Other child has become more favoured, but I wouldn't say they're completely the golden child. Firstly because they refuse to be Secondly because old habits die hard and they forget to treat him that way

[Wrybread]

TheDistantSky it's horrible when you realise they don't really care. Are you still in the wheelchair?

I hear you on trying to minimise their behaviour. I'm going through that too. What is helping me at the moment is seeing how well dh's family treat each other. That puts my parent's behaviour in stark contrast and makes it hard for me to explain it all away.

Remember that they've spent our whole lives training us to accept and normalise their abuse. It's going to take time to deprogramme from that.

[TheDistantSky]

@Wrybread only in the chair part time now, thankfully.

My DH's Family is a stark contrast to mine. It's lovely to spend time with his normal family but very bitter sweet. Makes me realise how much I missed out on and that lovely assured self-esteem you have when you've been loved and raised securely.
I'm glad his parents are there for the DC though and I'm hoping I'm loving them enough to break the cycle.

[Wrybread]

Oh I hear you about the bittersweet bit. I love his family. They're not perfect (as in I'm not putting them on a pedastal) but they treat each other well and clearly love each other.

It's probably what helped me make the break with my F. Knowing how differently I get treated by them and dh, and realising that's how normal families treat each other.

I've also been able to be honest with them about some of this stuff with my family and they.....actually give me hugs. Real hugs. Not trying to make it better or explain it away, but simply giving me some uncomplicated genuine comfort when I need it.

[IBlameJulieBindel]

Hello all,
I don’t particularly want to post any of my family backstory, but just wanted to say hello and to ‘be here’ if that makes sense. I’m sure that many of you can relate to feeling like you’ve spent hours IRL over the years talking out and reasoning through the whole bloody mess, and just not having the energy to dredge the whole story up again. We’re doing the yearly visit this weekend and I’m in my usual pre visit place (anxiety, slightly tearful, sad for how my family are). We’ve got some good strategies for keeping me going through the yearly visit and it will be fine, but it does feel worse at Christmas. I just feel sad for me, sad for my parents own childhood and family experiences, sad for my siblings. Anyway, I figured this might be the place to say that, so thanks for reading if you did, and very best wishes to everyone for Xmas, whether NC or not.

[Milliy]

IblameJulie

[fc301]

Sorry I haven't read the new thread but have been helped (and hopefully helped others) on the last one.
I was doing really well having made it clear that I was not seeing the (birth) family at Xmas.
So instead of enjoying being left alone. And despite the fact that they know that I am working 3 jobs whilst trying to raise 3 children and safeguard my fragile health I have spent all evening sobbing. Once again they have rung me to lay all the blame at my door. They could not possibly have done anything to upset me.
So once again, and hopefully finally, I have told them not to contact me again and I've blocked them both on my phone.
How very sad and so totally fucking unnecessary.
My big crime? Asking to be treated nicer.

[NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound]

Can I join? I don't know where I fit or what my situation is but I know my family relationships are toxic enough to make me ill. I don't even know where to start. This is probably all garbled and makes no sense as I'm writing it while crying but here goes.

My mum is a carer for my grandpa and my aunts as well as providing childcare for my nieces and nephews (my sisters are much older than I am). When I was younger I spent 90% of my time with my dad. We'd go to the library, museums, art galleries, libraries and the theater. My mum did the housework and cooking and her caring responsibilities and I rarely saw her until the weekend when we'd go away to a cottage on the coast she owned. But even then I didn't see her, and I so desperately wanted to. I craved her attention so much it was pitiful. My sister and her baby would come and my auntie who my mum cared for. My sister would lie around and mum would look after the baby and unless I was ill or it was a thunderstorm I wasn't allowed to stay inside the house. I'd be kicked out to play or with a book. At one point they'd set up my tent in the garden with my art supplies, cushions, blankets, juice, snacks and toys and a book and I'd only be allowed back in at mealtimes or bedtime. When my sisters baby was old enough to play I'd be send outside with her and told to look after her. At this point I'd of been about 8 and my niece 3. I wasn't allowed to play with my friends or do what I wanted, I had to look after her, but she was allowed inside. I hated her so much, she was fawned on by my mum. Now I have several nieces and nephews, and my mum still favours that sisters three children (with the main preference being the middle daughter) and another sisters youngest two children and I don't even think she realises. She goes out of her way to make sure she doesn't spend more on one than the other or give any of the others more than she gives one but you can see it, no matter how hard she tries to hide it.

When my dad died my mum had a mental breakdown and I became selectively mute. (Later I was diagnosed as being autistic) I also have several severe potentially life limiting conditions and my early life was one death prediction after another and I was a difficult child. Autistic with learning difficulties, mental health issues and behavioural problems while having a high IQ and testing into MENSA at 6. By that point my older sisters were 22-30 and I did not match any of my parents previous experiences of child rearing. I wasn't what she was prepared for or able to parent, however I am very much like my late father, who shared my diagnosis and IQ and he doted on me. Until they fought and then he'd need to escape to do his own thing. (His dad was physically abusive so when his temper spiked he'd leave, just in case) and my mum would sulk and yell and go on with what she needed to and just leave me there, first time that happened I was 6 or 7 and I should not have been left. I was severely asthmatic and have several allergies that cause anaphylaxis, but being taken with her while she was in that mood was terrifying. I'd not know how she'd react but I'd also know that even looking at her the wrong way would result in her screaming at me.

My dad supported and facilitated my learning, he taught me things and took me places, he wanted to spend time with me and enjoyed my company. When he was with me I had 100% of his attention. Thanks to him I had the confidence to do things and try. I sang solo in competitions (and won) I took guitar, drum and piano lessons, I had art shown in galleries, took part in community theater and got scholarships to the best schools. When he died my mum wouldn't let me take the scholarship because it was a boarding school and she didn't want to 'lose' me, but she didn't 'want' me either. I couldn't talk to her. She didn't care how I did at school, I wasn't allowed to take part in extra curricular activities because I needed to be home to look after my sisters kids or generally keep house. By the time I was 12 I could make a full sunday roast balancing a newborn, minding a toddler and helping primary school aged kids with homework. Mum and I would have horrific screaming matches, I'd tell her how much I hated her and how I wished that she was the one to have died when I was a teenager. Which is a horrific thing to say but I meant it. I never doubted how much my dad loved and wanted me, despite his temper and lack of domesticity, my mum however has always said had I of been her first born she'd never have had anymore.

My dad loved us all equally, but he worked nights when my sisters were younger and didn't work when I was born, so I was essentially his 'project' and his golden child, I was precocious and loving and difficult, which amused him. My mum doted on me when I was ill. When I was fine I was an inconvenience, because I wasn't what she wanted or expected in a child. I don't doubt that she loves me, but I've always been an afterthought. Whenever I'm/was with her her mind was always somewhere else, she was rushing off to do something else, or she was tired and wanted to be left alone. She regularly exposed me to people who are bad for my mental health and not only allowed them too but encouraged it. I've never been allowed to fight back because 'they don't mean anything by it', I'm 'oversensitive'. I do more for my family than anyone I know does for theirs and I'm regularly treated like shit for it. There are times when I'm home and mum comes in in a temper and my sisters is in and she sees it and they know I'll be going home with them or to thiers later if the temper continues as I can't cope with it. My sisters need my mums help so they don't say anything, and I don't say anything because I don't want to hurt her.

My mum is difficult and emotionally abusive, she regularly neglected me in favour of doing for others and when I bring any of her failings up she claims I'm misremembering things or that she doesn't remember or that it never happened. I have an eidetic memory, I CAN'T forget anything. Even now I try having a normal conversation with her and she ignores me completely. There is no response unless I yell at her for one and then I get, I heard you the first time, but no answer. I bring up how I found something difficult as a child because of my disabilities and it's always rerouted back to how difficult things were for her, how she had no help or support and she tried her best but I was an awful and difficult child and how I made everything harder but look at the nice things we did. I can remember three days between the ages of 11 and 16 where we did something together and there was no arguments. The 'nice' things she remembers were actually hell for me.

She loves me, I know this and I know my sisters love me even though they tease me but I can't say anything to her because some of the home truths would kill her. She is incredibly sensitive and I genuinely believe that she did her best given the hand she was dealt. She freely admits that I wasn't something she knew how to deal with and that because of my IQ and undiagnosed disabilities and learning difficulties she had no idea how to parent me because I could and would scream for days, but what she doesn't realise is that I was screaming because I was scared and confused and wanted her. I remember being punished and punished when all I wanted was a hug and reassurance that everything was ok and that she was there.

I'm now a mature student away at uni in my first year (I'm 24) and I'm struggling to balance uni work and relationships and her demands that I come home to help out most weeks (I'm stopping this in the new term because it's making me ill and I can't afford it).

It's only now with the support of one of my best friends that I can see how unnatural it is for me to be the scapegoat and the saviour/doormat for my family. It came to ahead while I was on holiday with him and other friends and I mentioned that I can't act obviously autistic because it's wrong and makes other uncomfortable and marks me out as different and he responded by angrily asking who says so and when hearing it is my mother and extended family was very firm in the view that there isn't anything wrong with me or the way I act and if it makes someone uncomfortable they can look away, and if my family feel like that they ought to find another skivvy.

I love my mum and my sisters, and I know that they love and are proud of me despite their actions. I know that if anything were to happen or if I were on the other side of the world and needed their help, they would be there in an instant to support and help me, but our relationship is so toxic. I have so much resentment in me against my entire family and their actions and I need to get it out. I NEED my mum to acknowledge them and validate them. But I know that she won't. In her eyes she is blameless and does more for me than anyone else but she doesn't and hasn't. She bought me things and made my dinners and did my laundry and when everything was calm and easy she was there and able to love me. When things were difficult I was the first person she punished.

I'd go low contact but I adore my nieces and nephews, and as hard as it is, I adore her.

[fc301]

So I've had a long email today. Apparently it's all my fault and I have hurt them. Of course. Why do I keep banging my head on the same wall and expecting not to get hurt!

Namechange what a sad story. I would say you definitely need some therapy to help you work through this. And some distance from hoping that they will change and provide what you need 💐