Am I overreacting? DH is too affectionate to the point I feel objectified

[Chatnel36]

My DH thinks he is entitled to grope me whenever he likes because “he just loves me so much” and he can’t understand why it makes me uncomfortable. He thinks I should just learn to deal with it as he is a super affectionate person and this is how he expresses himself. We are having “sessions” 2-3 times per week so it’s not like he is missing out there. The groping is always in the most inconvenient times like when I am cooking or with my dd asleep right next to me. When I tell him it makes me uncomfortable he just gets the huff and excuses me of not loving him.

He thinks I should just learn to deal with it
Fuck that!
Why?
You don't like it.
You've told him not to do it.
He continues.
It's called being fucking disrespectful.
You need to address it otherwise it will turn you off of him over time.
He needs to listen to you.
He's already learning to control you via stonewalling and getting moody if he doesn't get his own way.
Do NOT allow this to escalate. Because it will if you let it go.

Urgh, mine does this. Fucking octopus hands straight down my top and into my bra when I'm trying to do the sodding breakfast/get the kids clothes ready, packing food away in the fridge etc. And when he rubs is penis against my leg in the morning in the kitchen. Fucking hate it. But then I feel bad for feeling that way, because surely if he never touched me I wouldn;t feel "liked" at all. Such a head fuck.

I wouldn't consider groping to be a sign of affection, holding your hand or hugging you, or a peck on the cheek etc yes grabbing your boob not so much

It's not affecting, he's showing you that he owns you and he is entitled to do anything he chooses to you. Your body is his and he's making damn sure you know it.

How depressing that there are so many women who are married to revolting sex pests

Errr groping isn't affectionate. Affectionate would be a peck on the cheek or stroke on your arm or a cuddle on the sofa or head on shoulder, etc. Not groping you! You dont have to put up with that.

Groping is not the same as being affectionate.

Want to show you love me?
Pick your socks off the floor.
That makes me feel loved.

Chatnel36

"I do believe he truly loves me and does not understand how I don't like the constant touching, he has even suggested I need to get counseling. He thinks if you are madly in love with someone they you can't keep you hands off them." Love is not just a feeling it's a way of being. If he loves you that should lead to respect of you, your body, your opinions. You do not need counselling to fix how you feel when you feel normal!

"He thinks I should just learn to deal with it as he is a super affectionate person and this is how he expresses himself." It's not affection though is it, it's making you uncomfortable. And things that make you feel unhappy should not be put up with.

"The groping is always in the most inconvenient times like when I am cooking or with my dd asleep right next to me." Sounds like he plans it so he can show who is in control, him!

The huffing is his attempt to exert more control. Totally agree with zzzzz "Well get in a huff back and say groping you makes you feel he doesn’t love you, because he doesn’t care if you like it or not."

AtrociousCircumstance I love that cartoon.

MistressDeeCee "You married him OP so he surely must have shown these tendencies before you married...? "

That's not necessarily true though, many of our less desirable traits come out after we have 'courted' and 'caught' our mate. Once we have married someone we may let them see more of us less lovely traits!

If this is the case then it does show he knows this is not great. Maybe this has come about since the arrival of the child and the husband is worried he is going to get pushed out, that's a thing for some guys.

Maybe the OP was OK with more sexualised touching before she became a mum. If that is the case she just needs to be clear.

But I do agree OP that you need to make very clear what you don't like and for me that would include the little huffing tantrum he has when he doesn't get his way.

God, he sounds abaolutely awful. He really doesn't understand that sometimes you don't want to be groped?? He doesn't understand that you can think differently to him? He doesn't think your point of view is important? Eurgh. He wouldn't be getting any sex from me at all. What a turn-off.

By huffing when you reject him, he's trying to control you. Tell him straight how much you hate it and tell him to stop. You're not a blow-up doll for his pleasure. You have feelings and he should respect you.

And when he rubs is penis against my leg in the morning in the kitchen. Fucking hate it. But then I feel bad for feeling that way, because surely if he never touched me I wouldn;t feel "liked" at all. Such a head fuck.

But lovetherisingsun, why is it a head fuck? Surely you can see there's a huge difference between being touched in a loving, sexy way and being groped/rubbed up against when there's no chance at all of sex and/or you don't want it? It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I'd tell your h to get off you and make the lunches or whatever himself.

Oh god, my DH is like this too. Can never just be a hug, he always has to start pulling my clothes up, especially when I’m washing up or something. The worst thing though is the moodiness when I tell him to pack it in.

So take any form of sex off the table (so to speak) till they start respecting you.

Point out that it completely puts you off and they wouldn't want sex with an unwilling partner - would they?

Yes hardline on boundaries and the fact that its your body and you get to decide. Simply remove his hand and say no

Sure there was a post about this exact same situation last week. And it turns out the ops boyfriend was abusive. If you search back a few pages you will find it as there is some great advice given.

He does not have a right to your body when ever he feels like it. It is yours not his.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2869487-Am-I-overreacting-about-my-bf-groping-me-in-public

I found it. You should read through. There's honestly some amazing information on it.

I too have been in your shoes with a few dickhead. It's owner ship and control not affection

These are not loving respectful men. They are NOTHING more than sex pests and should received a kick in the bollocks every time they grope away.

My ex did this.... HUGE factor in me leaving him. He did it constantly tried to harass me into sex, huffed and swore at me when i told him no.
I got to the point i was avoiding him.

I don't miss it.

It’s not showing love though is it? It’s showing you that his desires matter more than your basic rights to ownership over your own body.

It’s revolting when someone gripes you like a sex pest and it will turn you ever more off him until you tense up with revolution every time he comes near you.

I would go to counselling to help you explain why you can not tolerate this level of disrespect from him and that he is slowly killing the relationship.

There is a huge difference between affectionate contact and intrusive groping.

I am a touchy feely person and a couple of times my boyfriend has felt a bit "glommed onto". So he told me how he was feeling - sometimes he liked to be snuggly, sometimes he wanted a bit of space. Basically, he's like a cat - sometimes he gets a bit over-touched. I apologised (of course). He said he didn't want me to stop all physical affection, so we agreed that if he was feeling a bit cat like he could just miaow and I would immediately back away and be affectionate in other ways.

So that's how a normal person reacts to being asked not to touch their partner. No sulking, no accusations of not loving each other, no big drama. And actually, he's never had to miaow - because I can tell from his body language if I'm being a bit much and I stop straight away.

Sticking your hand under someone's clothes, grabbing their boob, rubbing your dick on them - this is not affection. And sulking and refusing to change when you've been told clearly that it is unwelcome is crossing over into a dark and coercive place.

He sounds like an overexcited dog trying to hump your leg.
Maybe threaten him with a trip to the vet?

I used to go out with some freak who used to put his hands in my knickers in public. Fucking hell he was gone asap. Made my fucking skin crawl

I had this too - always when I was standing at the hob stirring something hot. I also got accused of not being affectionate enough. Due to his controlling behaviour I eventually just let him do it. I'd stand there allowing him to rub up against me - while inwardly every part of me wanted to just run away.

On one hand I think they do this to feel connected with you, because they sense that you are distanced from them in some way. They want reassurance from you. On the other hand, it is purely control - they want to prove that they can do whatever they want to you.

it's horrible.