How do I deal with my own feelings about this

[PookieDo]

I have posted before about my sometimes difficult relationship with my DD16. It had been better lately but this evening I feel sad and rejected and I am not sure how to deal with it internally

This morning we were running behind schedule but not late - we leave earlier than we need to get to the school/Work. If we leave later than the agreed time DD feels angry about it. We were late because DD did not tell me something in the house wasn’t working properly after she last used it and I went to use it and it caused a delay. When it came to leaving the house time everyone else was ready except me, and I asked both DC to take some rubbish out. DD16 became super angry about the whole situation of me being late and it escalated into her calling me (horrible) names. On the way to school I told her this was unacceptable language and totally disproportionate to the situation, and there would be a punishment - she has been watching a series on Netflix and I said I would change the password until she apologised and it sounded sincere. She also is grounded on the weekends for 2 weeks. She laughed at me and mocked me. I felt myself getting angry but dropped them off as normal but this was yet another bad start to a day.

After school it poured with rain and DD16 did not take a coat. I got a phone call loudly complaining about the weather and being cold wet and dark but no polite request of ‘please’ to please collect them and no apology for the name calling. I told them to wait under a bus shelter until I could arrive, I got out 10 mins early - no thank you either. Silence. I asked why DD did not take a coat and she shouted at me to shut up.

We have come home, DD still being hostile, not speaking to me and I have changed the password. She’s in her room ignoring me now.

My ex, her father FaceTimed her about 15 mins ago and she instantly changed to laughing, jolly, so happy to hear from him. I feel really sad and crappy that my own DD seems to hate me, is never happy to see me or spend time with me and there is all this hostility

I try to be affectionate and fun and sometimes she is in return but I am feeling like a great big fat failure. I don’t want a crap relationship with her. A couple of weekends ago I took her out for the day and it was quite nice then suddenly she had enough of being with me and was unreasonable and rude until we got home and I felt the day was a bit ruined. I have asked her what I do that she doesn’t like and she just says that I am very annoying, but nothing specific so I don’t know what I can work on!

Please someone tell me it gets better in a few years?

Hey, I'm sure this is an age thing and fingers crossed it will pass in time....

Have you thought about counselling together? Maybe a bit drastic but you never know, it may help?

Sorry but your daughter sounds like a nasty piece of work. She is 16 no need for this. You need to nip this is the now otherwise she will continue to use and abuse you and set a bad example. Send her to live with her dad. You don't deserve abuse. Stop collecting her. Turn of Wi-Fi. Change the password. Withhold pocket money. And embarrass her with your x with what she said. Regardless of your relationship I guarantee he will be in your side the though if having her full time. You seriously need to have it out now. And when she screams just laugh and say" your so funny to remind me what you were like ad a toddler" also explain this behaviour does not work in the real world and friend and boyfriends will not tolerate it. Because when she leaves for uni she will share housing. What do she screams at her flat mate because you are not around. And boyfriends will not out up with this shit. Ffs you have her life and run around after her bug you need to value yourself and stop. My 2 behave no where like this and there daddy has cancer and they have a reason to be angry and scream and shout and cry out but no people like your daughter and that behaviour make it seem unacceptable at all... I mean wtf does your other child think about this. Have you bothered to find out how they feel with a sibling being such a nasty..... your worried about dd16 what about other dc.

I’m not sending her to her dad he doesn’t want her, and I do want to live with her. I’ve said she can go if she’s happier there but he said no.

I’m well aware she won’t be at home forever, I do not want to live in a war zone and I just want to know how to manage my own feelings about a difficult mother daughter relationship

Other DC is fine. DD16 is mostly battling with me

I have a couple of thoughts -

Next time, don't make the punishment where she has to apologise and sound sincere before it's lifted, it makes it a battle of wills (that you may lose! ).

There was no point asking her why she didn't take her coat. It was bound to antagonise her. A teenaged me would have been pissed off by that question. I think you'd have been better just ignoring that she could have taken her coat - she knows it, you know it, it didn't need pointing out.

What's driving the anger about lateness, do you know?

She's pushing back against you because you're the one there all the time and she takes you for granted. It will get better, you'll come through it.

No decent informated advice, sorry. But reassurance. I was an absolute cunt at times at 16. I fortunately turned out alright (I think?). But no "punishment" would have ever worked. I think I would have laughed at being grounded. Unless you are going to lock her inside (including windows) you won't be able to keep her inside.

Can only speak for what worked for me. Which was having a while to cool down and then speaking calmly with my mum about things. I normally ended up apologising (sincerely). I came to the conclusion to do that on my own rather than her telling me I must apologise or X. I began to understand the actual effect of my behaviour. Be open with her- it was more useful to see I had hurt my mum than that she was angry. I didn't feel sorry when she was just angry. Being open about how she felt meant I realised she cared, my actions mattered, etc, rather than I was just being inconvenient and irritating to her.

An easy solution to the morning issue seems to be for her to make her own way to school. Unless you live miles away she's old enough to do that and can then be in charge of what time she arrives.

Informed** advice. Oops.

This may sound like horrible advice but it actually eases so much tension when you and teenagers are getting too intense. Try 'caring less'. Don't sweat every encounter and try to make it a situation of " if she's rude to me now then she'll be a terrible human being later if I don't fix it". Probably most teenage rattiness is hormonal. My own daughter was a lot like this - a bit of mental space has worked a treat. So, instead of immediately responding to rudeness let the clanger hang about in your silence. Usually 3 minutes does the trick. Child has time to realise complete rude twit behaviour and apologise on own initiative. Don't go thermonuclear on punishments, but do follow through. And let her know when she's upset you. Like category12 says, it does get better.

16 year olds can be pretty foul. I found my two improved once they left school and went to college. There's a lot of pressure on them in year 11. Not an excuse for being so rude, but it is fairly normal, it's not just you!

It's a case of of biting your tongue and picking your battles I'm afraid. And find things to do to get away from her when she's driving you mad - dog walks, Costa, yoga.. my dog find himself walking his paws off when then teens are being vile!

Oh it sounds hard, OP.

Firstly try not to take her behaviour too personally (ruining the nice day). There is no particular thing that annoys her. Accept what she says is true. You are her parent, therefore, you are, ‘just annoying’.

Agree do not comment on coats etc. She’s more than old enough to take the hit on that.

Can she get to school by public transport/by foot? If so I would have left her to make her own way when she started to become abusive. And wouldn’t be dashing to collect an angry teen complaining rudely it’s cold&wet when she has forgotten a coat. No siree. Practise your grey rock impression for those moments.

It’s not you

It sounds like you're in a bit of a viscous cycle - treating her like a child (punishment) and her acting like a rude stroppy child. Read up on transactional analysis. You break the cycle by pulling communications back to a respectful adult level. Eventually, hopefully, she will become more adult in her communications back.

You could start by asking and really listening to why being early for school matters so much to her. Listen and show respect and you'll more likely get it back.

I am on my third teen now - youngest also a DD16. She also gets anxious about being late. I don't get everything right but I have found the transactional analysis approach helps. They are quite adult at 16 and you get a lot more back if you treat them that way. I couldn't imagine grounding or punishing my DD. If she's rude - after time out we talk about it. She isn't rude much and when she is there's usually some anxiety at the base of it. Bring 16 isn't easy.

She is doing this at 16 and still at school, just think what she will be like by late 20s and 30s.

You need to come down hard as fast and as hard as you can. I didn't and I am advising you as strongly as I can not to let this continue

I know I think I am annoying because I would make a point about the coat, but it is infuriating that I end up leaving work early because she has no coat in the pouring rain, didn’t take bus money or house keys! And I think it’s a respect thing, after hurting my feelings for what felt like no good reason and just generally being rude you get stuck in a trap where I am maybe going on at her and not dropping it quickly enough

I don’t know about the late thing. We are never late because we leave much earlier than we really need to which gives us a good head start but this is a battle ground when I can see I still have plenty of time but she starts getting stressed about being late. Not keen on getting public transport - and I have to go past the school to work directly anyway!

She is doing this at 16 and still at school, just think what she will be like by late 20s and 30s.

I don’t think she will still be living with me by her 30’s and she will me an independent adult!

Let her feel the consequences of her actions. If she forgets her coat, she gets cold. If you're late for whatever reason and it annoys her, let her make her own way there. She's like this with you because she feels the safest with you and not with her dad, so she has to show her good side to him. She knows you love her unconditionally so can vent to you.

She was so so so rude I felt like I had to make a point and do something and changing the Netflix password has just annoyed her more. I was late because she made me late by being inconsiderate about not telling me something wasn’t working properly. We just go round and round 😭

I agree with making absolutely no response to her rudeness so that her words hang in the air.

One thing I would do is to speak to her tonight and say, "I've had enough of this. You are rude and nasty. If you were like this to your friends they wouldn't have anything to do with you. If you were like this to your dad he wouldn't see you again. In future if you want me to do something for you, you ask nicely. Apart from that if you can't say something civil, keep your mouth shut."

Then get out of the room before she can respond.

If she's in the same room as you in future and is nasty, leave the room immediately. Don't respond to any nasty texts. Don't pick her up unless she's polite to you.

She will change, but bloody hell, it's so hard!

I can see now where I am being annoying 😂

I need to not bite. Totally agree. Leaving it hanging is my new mission to work on

I may get an apology next time she wants something

So sorry for you. Been there a couple of years ago.
Why do they call it sweet 16?
I thought it would never pass, no matter which approach i tried, I was the worst person in the world. But it did, after about 2 years my daughter started being more reasonable and sensible.
It is hard to believe it is just hormones and growing up, but it is.
Meanwhile look after yourself, this is like being constantly bullied,

Do you know what her problem is? She’s spoilt and you’re giving into her demands. My mum would have made me catch a bus home...

Honestly, changing the Netflix password is a childish punishment for a 16 year old. My suggestion would be to just start doing less for her. At 16 she is more than capable of suffering the consequences of forgetting her coat. Has she got a part time job? That might encourage her to act more maturely.

The Netflix password is because she is very deeply into a TV show and really loves it. That is why I chose it

She is pretty independent when she wants to be. Does all own laundry, cleans own room, goes to shops, makes food and the like. The main thing I do is give lifts. She is supposed to be looking for a job but she has mock GCSE’s right now

“Not keen on public transport”- so you run around after her?! This is why she is too lazy to look after herself and remember her keys/money for the bus. There are 12 year olds who have to get themselves home safely from school...16 is far too old to be pandered to

OP, you didn't actually need to rush out of work. She'd lost that privilege by being so rude earlier and by being so daft to leave her coat behind. I mean getting wet and cold and having to wait are direct consequences for being a rude berk. (Much better than the Netflix password imo).

As it's a battleground, you need to stop doing the lifts and get her to make her own way in. She has control then, (or the fall-back option of coming in with you at your speed) - but I would make it that she goes by bus every day - it's no point having this flashpoint there every morning. It might be worth talking about this and seeing if she's willing to be patient and polite in the mornings in order to have the lift, and see how it goes for a while.

@PookieDo Most A children would not be living with parent(s) at late 20s or 30s but that does not mean that they become totally pleasant people. Even without living in the same household they can still put you down with verbal abuses. The way your DD talks at present will eventually become demoralising.