How do I deal with my own feelings about this

[PookieDo]

I have posted before about my sometimes difficult relationship with my DD16. It had been better lately but this evening I feel sad and rejected and I am not sure how to deal with it internally

This morning we were running behind schedule but not late - we leave earlier than we need to get to the school/Work. If we leave later than the agreed time DD feels angry about it. We were late because DD did not tell me something in the house wasn’t working properly after she last used it and I went to use it and it caused a delay. When it came to leaving the house time everyone else was ready except me, and I asked both DC to take some rubbish out. DD16 became super angry about the whole situation of me being late and it escalated into her calling me (horrible) names. On the way to school I told her this was unacceptable language and totally disproportionate to the situation, and there would be a punishment - she has been watching a series on Netflix and I said I would change the password until she apologised and it sounded sincere. She also is grounded on the weekends for 2 weeks. She laughed at me and mocked me. I felt myself getting angry but dropped them off as normal but this was yet another bad start to a day.

After school it poured with rain and DD16 did not take a coat. I got a phone call loudly complaining about the weather and being cold wet and dark but no polite request of ‘please’ to please collect them and no apology for the name calling. I told them to wait under a bus shelter until I could arrive, I got out 10 mins early - no thank you either. Silence. I asked why DD did not take a coat and she shouted at me to shut up.

We have come home, DD still being hostile, not speaking to me and I have changed the password. She’s in her room ignoring me now.

My ex, her father FaceTimed her about 15 mins ago and she instantly changed to laughing, jolly, so happy to hear from him. I feel really sad and crappy that my own DD seems to hate me, is never happy to see me or spend time with me and there is all this hostility

I try to be affectionate and fun and sometimes she is in return but I am feeling like a great big fat failure. I don’t want a crap relationship with her. A couple of weekends ago I took her out for the day and it was quite nice then suddenly she had enough of being with me and was unreasonable and rude until we got home and I felt the day was a bit ruined. I have asked her what I do that she doesn’t like and she just says that I am very annoying, but nothing specific so I don’t know what I can work on!

Please someone tell me it gets better in a few years?

I feel like I can’t really talk about that on here. When I have before about feeling demoralised and upset I got a torrent of verbal from a few posters who said I hated my own child and they felt sorry for her with a mother like me.

I just kind of wanted to talk about my own reactions to things and some good suggestions. I left early in part for the other DC who did have a coat but was stuck with DD16. I went back to work though and they had to sit in the car. I have a jar of bus money in the kitchen and they have keys. They choose to forget or not bother getting the bus and also I am driving directly past the school for my own job at the same time. Forcing them to use the bus is another battle isn’t it! And at more cost to me. They can’t walk we live a few miles from School and public transport is patchy

I see.

Sorry you've had that experience here.

Hey, you know, you're doing something right - she does for herself: cleans, does laundry, cooks - so there's a lot of positives here too.

I think what pps have said about letting it hang is good.

Dear OP...I had an awful relationship with DD1 from aged 14 until 19. She would hit me and tell me she would move out and I would never see her again. I quietly prepared for having a distant relationship with her when she moved out. It broke my heart to pieces. She was also awful to her dad but less so. We ignored unpleasantness as much as possible...sometimes we failed as by god did she push us...and kept being loving. She changed six months ago. She is suddenly so loving and I get nice texts...taken out for tea in her car... she felt second best I think as her sister was a very easy child and teen..plus naturally very academic. Finally DD1 seemed to realise we love her to bits. Dhe also got older and more able to manage her temper and anxiety. Try not to get too down and assume an awful future. I warn friends that from age 15...teen girls are often BONKERS and the closer they feel to you, the more horrid they are as they seek to start growing up and imagining a life without you. Big hugs. I cried many tears over this but try to keep believing things WILL get easier xxxx

Thanks it has helped. I don’t want to just slag her off and make her feel like a black sheep I love her and I want to get along more than anything! She is just incredibly hard work and at a hard age. No one can predict if she will be like this in 10 years and that doesn’t help me now does it 😂

Mini argument this morning. She borrowed something of mine as she has lost her own, then didn’t give it back when I asked. It’s all really petty petty stuff! Then had a mood because she has exams and wanted a bottle of water from the shop (my water at home tastes ‘filthy’ apparently but was demanding me to go out in the rain to the shop and buy it because she HAD NO COAT 😡. So I drove to the petrol station under cover and she went in. It’s all the little parts of life that you can drive each other bonkers! Bonkers!!!!!

but it is infuriating that I end up leaving work early because she has no coat in the pouring rain, didn’t take bus money or house keys!
Unfortunately, you are enabling this.
Why did you leave work early and HOW did you leave work early?
It's work. She will just HAVE to wait.
She wants water - off you go then, otherwise she just doesn't get any.
You really must stop giving into her so much.
It's not making her like you any more. In fact it just means she can disrespect you even more because she always gets her way.

On another note entirely, can I just say that my DD was far worse than this.
She was horrendous.
But.... at about 16 she totally changed.
Completely turned her life around.
We are best friends now and she is a wonderful person who I am very proud of.
So it does (maybe not always) get better.
Just do your best.
You'll get there!

I have no advice to offer here, but wanted to extend my sympathies and hope something can be sorted out. Sounds as though your life is a living hell. A teenage girl, 16 no less, yikes. Dig trenches and wear a tin hat!

I do think it is really easy for people to criticise your parenting but actually you are doing fine and just expressing how hard it is. And it is hard and I would just try to have faith that they DO improve and they DO appreciate trips in the rain and leaving work early and you have prented her well... you are not an over-enabling mum, clearly...she sounds pretty independant (eg cleans her own room etc). Just hang in there and yes...the name calling and shouting can be very hurtful. Remember...she may look adult but is still a child when it comes to many things. So try to remember she will say vile stuff without really meaning it. Frontal lobe development in the brain is not finished until mid twenties...(aka 'teenagers can be right arses')

The thing about the rain or the water is just parenting isn’t it? (She bought her own water FYI...) you do things for your kids is it supposed to all be on a transactional basis? If so then I honestly had no idea. 😂

OP, you are too available and pandering. She won't appreciate anything you do for her until you scale it back and by implication make her feel she has to ask nicely and be grateful.

I second the grey rock approach. Ignore the bad behaviour for now. Pretend you didn't hear it. The Netflix action smacks of trying to hurt her back since she hurt you. You've got to avoid that as it will lead to more hatred and confrontation.

When I was 16 I was foul. My DM had a bf that I didn't get on with and I felt very low in her priorities. I remember that all I wanted after every screaming row was for her to come and hug me and tell me it would all be ok. I felt very alone and unloved, and playing up was a way to get attention.

Have you tried the love bombing technique with her? Just giving her random hugs and affirmations/compliments. Not in front of anyone though as she will be embarrassed. Combined with grey rock over bad behaviour might just give you the breakthrough you both need.

I've had 3 go through this phase. It's hard and it passes

This is honestly why I am so confused when I post asking for advice

I think that a lot of these things is parenting. You pick your kids up you do stuff and you don’t always get a thank you. As she is 16 is the advice to withdraw from a lot of the parenting side of things? Would she not feel a bit abandoned?

You get lots of conflicting advice and try a few things out. From my point of view your relationship seems very normal and par for the course and I think you are doing fine. If you put this much thought and effort into parenting you are one of the good ones and you will, eventually, see see the effects. In the meantime, sharing a house with anyone isn't easy and sharing with a 16 year old struggling with what she is and what her place is, is even harder. I would go for more demonstrative affection, expect it to be rebuffed but look for the toes curling in hidden pleasure...

Yes she would feel a bit abandoned. Don't feel that you are asking for problems just because you look after her OP. Remember too...she is your child so nobody really knows but you what she needs. It is ok to say it is hard. It is hard!!!! I would personally ignore the 'get tough' brigade. My two daughters needed very different parenting...hence I don't listen to others trying to give advice based on their parenting of their children. You sound great tbh

A hand hold here from one mother to another when I was going through this with my DD I tried the grey rock method it worked for me and my daughter said some truly awful things! Hang in there she is pushing your buttons because she is able to you are doing a great job she is pushing back nobody ever tells you how hard it is when they grow up!! I also imagined a huge big toddler in front of me and it truly helped me to stay calm and rational 💐

OP, it's not a case of abandoning her at all. I'm not suggesting that. Sitting down and calmly saying that if she wants a lift to school, shops, parties, friends, whatever.... then she needs to ask nicely and if you are free you will do it, but if not then she will have to find her own way. Make it clear that it's not a punishment. It's part of her growing up and being responsible for herself.

An alternative would be to say you will take her to school and she gets the bus home, or whatever other arrangement you suggest. It's more about stopping treating her like a child and encouraging her independence. She is demanding you ferry her to the shop for water ffs. You can say no. You are not in a popularity contest. She won't love you more for doing that trip. She will at worst probably despise your willingness to be so accommodating to her, and at best just be using you and taking you for granted.

I'm not even preaching tough love here, just more of treating her more like an adult. Even though she is behaving appallingly to you.

Another tip would be never to lose your shit with her. At this age, she needs to know you are her rock, that you will always be the calm rational one in every situation, especially when she is losing her shit with you. It's the weird sense of stability that teens need. When she has calmed down, I second the advice to tell her how she has hurt you, calmly. You may be surprised at the compassion she can show when she isn't riled up with angst and anger.

Look I’m not a complete drip who gives in to everything, we were already on the way to school when she asked for the water and she went herself because I said no. I do hate not using manners and reprimand when this happens (although this is pointless it seems) but I am not about to start trading things with her because all that will do is cause more issues and rows. If I refuse to do some things I don’t see how that’s really going to help. It is different when it’s going out with friends but because public transport is a bit crap where I am I don’t want to trap her in the house with us that will also make it worse. I just need to not take it really personally and do the grey rock thing. Other than having a foul mouth on her she’s actually a good kid. She’s not an adult and nowhere emotionally near one either! She’s still at school and has a lot of maturing to do

It is just the frustration of living with a teenager and their wildly unreasonable minds. Tonight she is perfectly happy in mood and in her room with a load of rubbish music blaring out.

I think I am slightly mourning the whole childhood slipping away, there are no hugs and making fun memories is more difficult when a teenager finds you SOOOO ANNOYING. Of course I want her to like me! Do people really not care if their kids seem to hate them? This seems like something people say but it’s not really true

Sounds totally normal to me!
I’m sure I was like this.
It’s pushing and testing each other’s boundaries.
My mum would just end up having a massive argument with me, and I tell you this. She wouldn’t win, I would save all the resentment up for another time and then hit her with it.
The more I fought, the more she fought, the more I fought. It was a loose loose situation, only I cared less than her. So I was more resilient!

Shrug your shoulders and move on. Don’t enable but still tell her you love her and do nice things sometimes, but not every time she demands them.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

She'll come round. I found my mum irritating at that age, but we are close and have a good relationship. I think it's just pushing away, pushing against you: the process of cutting the apron strings.

Of course it bloody hurts when they treat you like an idiot or are nasty.

You just have to let go of the cute childhood her and enjoy the emerging adult as much as you can. It's funny how grown up they can be one minute and how like a little kid the next. But I'd go with talking to her more on an adult level for the most part.

I had similar problems with my DD1 when she was mid teens. She is now in her 20s and settled.

I bought lots of books for advice, but the one that really helped us was called "Get out of my Life (but first can you drop me and Alex into town)" by Suzanne Franks.

I really recommend it, it is quite cheap on Amazon.

OP, it is tempting when faced with such hostility and verbal abuse from a teenager to try and give them what they want, because even parents want to feel loved, right? At this stage, it's more important that you respect each other. You can't try and be her friend, you are her parent and always will be.

My comment above about treating her more like an adult was not intended to imply she was an adult or mature. But...she will respect you and appreciate being treated more like an adult rather than a child with grounding, removal of privileges, etc. Kids this age often respond really well to trust being placed in them. Trust to do the right thing, to be responsible etc. They won't always step up to the plate, and they will make mistakes, but that's part of the process.

IME reprimanding them for bad language or disrespect just fuels the conflict. It is an age of confusion, hormones, emotional chaos...

Set clear boundaries and be consistent, fair and never allow your anger to cloud your best judgment in the long term. She needs to know you love her unconditionally, regardless of how much she is a PITA, and in fact is most likely testing that parent/child bond deliberately or subconsciously every time she acts out. She wants you to prove it every time, that no matter how awful she is to you, you are there for her and always will be. This is part of her emotional journey towards the unknown realm of adulthood. Every teen does it in some form. Not every parent fulfils it. I'm sure you will because you obviously care.

Oh poor you, you are doing a fantastic job, I did similar as your daughter, maybe not as bad but not far from it. I did it because I used her to vent at, your daughter will be very hormonal and emotional more often than not; she feels safe with you, it's just a shame she is going too far with it and won't even realise how much she is hurting your feelings. She will grow out of this.

Have you tried actually explaining to her how hurtful it is; I mean when things are good and you two are out shopping or whatever, try and tell her how it makes you feel; she just sees you as mum, a strong woman who will probably put up with whatever because, well, you're a mum!

Having said that I would definitely let her face some of her own consequences, that is actually teaching her to stand on her own two feet; let her get wet, it's her responsibility to put a coat on her back fgs; things like that, let her feel the result of her own actions, don't baby her so much.

I don't have teens. However I am on the receiving end of occasional stroppiness and forgotten manners.

My DS often announces that he is cold, wet, thirsty, etc. as if I am meant to jump and solve the problem for him. I reply "Are you asking a question?".

If he comes round with a "please would you get me a jumper?" "please could you pass me my water bottle?" I might help him if it's convenient for me, but I say no politely if I'm doing something else. When I read the coat story, I did think, "gosh so OP solves her children't problems without involving them in defining the problem, or choosing a solution... not great for the kids who need to learn independence". Maybe that's an oversimplification, but there might be something in it.

Your DD is in charge of her own problems. If she needs your help, she needs to ask for it (i.e. define the problem) nicely (because if she wants help, it's reciprocal, you don't abuse people who you want to be on your side).

You're talking about doing things for your children - yes of course we serve our children's needs. But she's not 3, she is 16, she needs opportunities to develop consultative and collaborative skills of problem solving.

Can I suggest this book called "Raising Human Beings"? It's about how to build a collaborative relationship of equals with children, rather than a top-down, punishment-respect thing. The top-down approach is vital when kids are small but a 16yo is getting way too old for that stuff to work! I cringed a bit at the Netflix punishment... that's just escalation. And then to still ferry her around, etc! Talk about mixed messages...

It’s a teenage thing, surely she’s testing you. She’s feeling like an adult and should be treated as one. In the real world, away from the homely bubble, if she was rude to someone who was otherwise being helpful she’d get at least an earful. It has the be the parent’s responsibility to introduce her to this concept, regardless of bad feelings it may leave. She’ll carry on getting pissed off but will eventually learn the lesson the hard way.

Just by way of example:

I was being unnecessarily rude to my mum as a 17 year old, anyway, my otherwise placid dad condoned it for a while but eventually got annoyed so immediately after one particular episode, and while mum was out of view, pinned me to a wall and told me in no uncertain terms that if I wanted to behave like a man he’ll treat me as one. Scared the shit out of me. Worked though, wasn’t rude anymore and now as an adult myself, can say that my old man was/is a complete legend!

Regardless of her age, consequences are the right approach. Stop doing stuff for her and tell her why. You don't give lifts and lend things to people who speak to you disrespectfully. It may be a stage sine teenagers go through but it doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, whatever her age.

Also its training for the real world. She speaks to you badly because she can.

It escalated a bit yesterday which I should have seen coming

Anyway her explanation a lot of the time is that essentially I am quite useless. I’ve tried quite hard to show her that you can do anything if you work hard. She also knows I have given up a lot. I’ve also done it all by myself with no input from a man for 10 years. All for what? A DD who didn’t get my feminist message it seems

I have 2 jobs and did have 3 till recently working 60 hours a week. I’m also studying. We have more money than we ever had but DD is very much living in the negative of we are poor and I have failed them

But in the past we have had a shit time. Her dad left me and 2DC homeless. He also left us poor. It’s taken me 10 years to get on my feet. Meanwhile he’s looking at £500k houses - he’s taken DD16 to look round some tonight. I am angry. I feel like that man already ruined my 20’s and now he continues to ruin my relationship with DD16. What comes out of her mouth is all from him

FYI everything they have comes from me. I spend more on presents than he does. He gives me £60 a week for both DC and I pay for absolutely everything. DC do not even have a proper bedroom at his house. At mine their bedrooms are the nicest rooms in the house. I feel totally shitty what a number he’s done on DD. I do blame him