How do I deal with my own feelings about this

[PookieDo]

I have posted before about my sometimes difficult relationship with my DD16. It had been better lately but this evening I feel sad and rejected and I am not sure how to deal with it internally

This morning we were running behind schedule but not late - we leave earlier than we need to get to the school/Work. If we leave later than the agreed time DD feels angry about it. We were late because DD did not tell me something in the house wasn’t working properly after she last used it and I went to use it and it caused a delay. When it came to leaving the house time everyone else was ready except me, and I asked both DC to take some rubbish out. DD16 became super angry about the whole situation of me being late and it escalated into her calling me (horrible) names. On the way to school I told her this was unacceptable language and totally disproportionate to the situation, and there would be a punishment - she has been watching a series on Netflix and I said I would change the password until she apologised and it sounded sincere. She also is grounded on the weekends for 2 weeks. She laughed at me and mocked me. I felt myself getting angry but dropped them off as normal but this was yet another bad start to a day.

After school it poured with rain and DD16 did not take a coat. I got a phone call loudly complaining about the weather and being cold wet and dark but no polite request of ‘please’ to please collect them and no apology for the name calling. I told them to wait under a bus shelter until I could arrive, I got out 10 mins early - no thank you either. Silence. I asked why DD did not take a coat and she shouted at me to shut up.

We have come home, DD still being hostile, not speaking to me and I have changed the password. She’s in her room ignoring me now.

My ex, her father FaceTimed her about 15 mins ago and she instantly changed to laughing, jolly, so happy to hear from him. I feel really sad and crappy that my own DD seems to hate me, is never happy to see me or spend time with me and there is all this hostility

I try to be affectionate and fun and sometimes she is in return but I am feeling like a great big fat failure. I don’t want a crap relationship with her. A couple of weekends ago I took her out for the day and it was quite nice then suddenly she had enough of being with me and was unreasonable and rude until we got home and I felt the day was a bit ruined. I have asked her what I do that she doesn’t like and she just says that I am very annoying, but nothing specific so I don’t know what I can work on!

Please someone tell me it gets better in a few years?

@pookiedo she's not stupid. My ex was whining to my children that I can pay for stuff whenever they asked him for money for things. So I sat my daughter down, explained clearly that he's been earning a 6 figure salary throughout our relationship whilst I've been looking after the children. He has x amount of houses etc whilst I have nothing and am on a part time salary. I said clearly that someone had to be home to look after them whilst he was away working etc.

Also, keep remembering that she's lashing out at you and not her father because she feels safest with you. You know you love her unconditionally whilst she's obviously unsure of her father.

I could have written your opening post ten years ago. One angry daughter, blaming me for everything. Absolutely agree with the last comment here that she is lashing out at you because she feels safest with you. You have done a fab job to improve your circumstances, but she won't necessarily see that, when the glitz of £500k houses are rammed down her throat. It will get better - they grow up and realise how the world works and how much a good mum does for them. I had an apology last summer, my daughter saying how sorry she was about how she treated me and spoke to me. I never got heavy or into the whole punishment thing, it doesn't work and in the end it's more like punishment for yourself having to do these things. Hang on in there, try and chill out and ignore - the more you bite the more she will behave this way. It really will get better - don't be frightened of losing your relationship - they are starting a process of separation at this age, which I think lasts about a decade, from my experience - and then you get a lovely adult back.

Kill with kindness

I know she is being a brat and awful.

But kill with kindness. Hormones -or something else going on.

Read Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town

I had 3 teenage DDs at one point and the rule "Pick your battles" needs to be top if the list.

I also think that you need to recognise that some teenage girls simply do this - it is their way of asserting the need to break free of the apron strings - I know, on the one hand she is wanting you to treat her like a child (not taking a coat, demanding to be picked up) but that is all part of the seesaw ride that gets her to being an independent adult.

Primarily you need to recognise this as a necessary phase and not take it personally - we all want a good relationship with our children at any age, but sometimes we cannot have it. You need to love them enough to let them hate you sometimes.

Don't let her see she has upset you - either ignore some of it or be firm and clear - "It is not acceptable to talk to me like that." But truly she does not need you to tell her that - she knows. The more upset you appear, the more she will do it.

Tell her how much you love her at least once a day.

It does pass I promise you - I have 3 lovely adult DDs who are the joy of our lives - there were times when I never thought I would be able to say that!!

This really did help from all you guys, I think last time I posted (before this) and I was frustrated with DD I got plastered because it came across I don’t like her. I just don’t always like our relationship and I am part of that too. It is nice to talk to other mums who have been there and makes me feel so much more positive.

I can’t even start to explain how frustrating it has been trying to parent with her dad, and I feel horrible for her that she is in this position - at the same time she’s old enough to know the effects of speaking to me like she does, it chips away at us.

I could sit and list a hundred things he does that’s is shit parenting and I am angry with him that he is so bloody ignorant (or careless) to his decisions and behaviours having to be cleaned up by me.

My anger is at him the most. But this anger can hurt DD as she doesn’t feel the same way I do

Her rude behaviour is unacceptable but I see why she gets angry when leaving late for things. Does she have anxiety or is she just rude asking because I have anxiety, and it would always make me really angry when other people made me late because it set off my anxiety. Might be completely wrong about your daughter, of course, just offering a different perspective.

I wouldn’t be leaving work early to pick up a 16yo DC from school: she chose not to wear a coat or make sure she had money for a bus. Her problem.

Yes she has GAD and possible ADHD/ODD. She did not want to accept intervention/further investigation down this path so I stopped pushing. We have done counselling and psychotherapy, again she is quite non compliant with this too

If it helps to explain that she is very rude and this is quite impulsive. She has trouble with the part where you feel an emotion and then deciding whether to act on it. And usually her main emotion is Pissed Off

See now it’s escalated AGAIN and i am at my wits end

Took DC out last night had a nice time

DD1 just got up this morning with a cold. I am on sofa working on my laptop. DD1 asks me a question from another room and I respond. She calls back I CANT HEAR YOU... but had asked me the question in the first place. This happens 3 times. I then say ‘stop repeating you can’t hear me and don’t ask a question if you don’t want to come closer’
She comes into lounge and pulls out a cushion from behind my head where I am working on laptop and hits me around the head with it. I had a drink on the table next to me and drink flies across the room hitting the TV all across the carpet. I get up in shock and say to her ‘clean this up now’ to which she backs me into a corner saying ‘wirh what? With what? My fingers?’ And wouldn’t let me get past her because I wouldn’t tell her what to clean it up with. I’m sitting in my bedroom now. I want to physically leave the house (not dressed yet) and don’t even know how to deal with what just happened