Feeling so low about life after going NC with my parents.

[HappinessWhereAreYou]

In July, a number of things happened between me and my emotionally abusive mum that basically made me realise I couldn't put myself through this any longer. My dad, who has been manipulated by my mum for my whole life, is truly a lovely man. He's been there for me through thick and thin until now but he has now turned his back on me because I can't deal with my mum's abuse any more.

I'm finding that the more time that passes, the harder this is getting. To be rejected by him is absolutely killing me. I've tried reaching out to him but his replies are short, sharp and to the point. He doesn't want to converse with me anymore. It's like he's using me as a scapegoat and directing all of his pain and suffering towards me and blaming me for everything. The way he sees it is that we all know what my mums like and I should just be the bigger person but I just can't any more.

My husband is deployed with the army and he has been away since June. I've got 2 young children and I just feel so lonely. My parents would have been who I would lean on whilst my husband was away but I've lost that now.

I had friends visit this weekend. We all drank rather a lot and I ended up crying. Some of these girls are new friends so I'm absolutely mortified. I also ended up getting so drunk I was sick. I haven't been in that sort of mess for a long time and I'm absolutely mortified. I confessed to one of the girls that I used to suffer from bulimia (something I never tell anyone).

I'm absolutely mortified at the mess I got myself into and just feel like I'm not coping with this. Does anyone have any advice? I'm just so alone just now 😢

Bump

That sounds really tough. When will your husband be home?

I hope those friends turn out to be good friends who'll be able to give you some support.

I’ve been NC with my parents for four years now. My mother sounds like your mother and my father always sides with her. At first it was a relief to be NC, but after that it was like a bereavement. To me, it was like my parents had died and I had to grieve for the relationship I no longer had. It really does get easier though. It’s still hard on occasions, but I realise that I will never have a “normal” relationship with my parents.

Give yourself time, it’s still early days. Talk to your friends as I’m sure they’ll support you and don’t beat yourself up for getting drunk. Be kind to yourself.

And I’m really really sorry to say this, but if you’re dad was truly lovely, he wouldn’t be using you as a scapegoat.

A couple of years ago, when my mum was being particularly cruel to my dad, I took him to one side and told him: "if you ever decide that you want to leave Mum, I want you to know you'd have our (me & my siblings) full support"

What has really hurt me so much is that obviously this isn't reciprocated. When I've decided I can't take any more, he has deserted me. He was actually quite cruel to me the day of the fall out which is something I have never experienced with him ever before. The pain from losing him hurts so much. He is everything that I thought was good about my childhood. He is all my happy memories. He is the person I aspired to grow up to be like. He has always been my inspiration. And now he no longer cares for me or wants me in his life. He's not even bothered about my children either. It makes all my happy memories a lie and I'm finding that extremely hard to come to terms with.

Do you think it’s more that he’s more scared of upsetting your mum than of showing you love?
I’m not saying that’s right of course but if she turned against him then maybe he would feel unable to cope.

My husband is due home in March. He has 2 weeks leave in January also.

I have a few friends here. I don't work because my DC are young.

This is going to sound so pathetic but I just wish there was someone out there, someone older, who would take me under their wing and mother me. I just want to be loved and cared for. I want that unconditional bond of love that every child should have with their parents. Everyone deserves that, dont they?

Do you think it’s more that he’s more scared of upsetting your mum than of showing you love?
I’m not saying that’s right of course but if she turned against him then maybe he would feel unable to cope.

I think he's gone into some sort of denial about the whole situation and thinks I'm being unreasonable. Either that or it's some form of brainwashing, I really don't know. But he has well & truly been manipulated on this. He is usually a man of strong morals but he has sided with someone who has been cruel, manipulative, controlling & hurtful over his own child and he's standing by that.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Other family member or old friends? Would you consider counselling?

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Other family member or old friends? Would you consider counselling?

I don't have many old friends - that's a side effect of not being allowed to socialise by my controlling mum. So no school friends. And with our lives being packed up and moved to a new place every couple of years, it's difficult. My best friend in the military community is now based overseas. I can't do counselling as I have no one to watch the children. I've spoken to my siblings about it but although they all dislike my mum, they all still have a great relationship with my dad so none of them are in this position.

I feel so so alone and constantly on the verge of tears.

My best friend is my husband so having been apart from him for so long is really exacerbating the whole situation.

OP, I really do know how you feel. I am LC rather than NC. I don't have the feelings of bereavement you have but I do understand your need to be looked after and loved. How close are you to your siblings?

I can also understand you feel betrayed. I experienced that in my family, with people defending terrible behaviours and being in denial. It was probably the most hurtful part of it all.

I started a thread just yesterday as I'm full of anger at the moment about my childhood and feel like I'm the scapegoat for everything.

I don't think you should feel humiliated by crying or being drunk in front of your friends. Hopefully they can offer you some support. You need it.

Is there any chance of you having some counselling to help with your feelings?

Surely another mum could look after the children for an hour or so a week? I think you will find support if you reach out.

It is so hard to discover your DF has chosen this path, it's massive I went through something fairly similar and ended up with PTSD. Everything I had built by life on was ripped apart and shown not to be true,

You really do need therapy/counselling.

Surely another mum could look after the children for an hour or so a week? I think you will find support if you reach out.

Ordinarily yes, and it my best friend hadn't just been posted overseas, I would have asked her. We are based in the sticks though and I don't drive. The place is most likely have to go for counselling is an hour away by bus. The few friends I have around here all either work full time, or have multiple small children of their own and also have husbands who are deployed. It doesn't feel right to ask any of them to take my children for a few hours at a time.

Is there no support from the army - we have already been given all kinds of support information for service parents and our dd hasn't even finished university yet.

Your parents sound like they have a similar setup to mine. I have low contact rather than no contact. It makes life so much more peaceful but I have a supportive husband who is at home most of the time- that helps. I see your dad as having a kind of Stockholm syndrome, just like mine. Hopefully your new friends will prove to be kind and supportive.

Yes they do deserve that. OP I've got to say you sound like one of my DD's - she accused us of abuse and cut us both out of hers & our grandchildren's life. I can honestly say that there was never any abuse (if there was my other 2 DD would not be so upset that she hade this allegation) by saying this my DD has devastated me and my DH.
I think from a non personal objective perspective it might be helpful to outline exactly what you mean by 'abuse' to your parents. Most parents are doing their best with what they've got, it wasn't your fault as a child that your mum brought her damage with her, but I would ask, where was your DD when all this was happening? Wouldn't he have stopped it if you were suffering?
I'm sorry that you are feeling bad about things but it seems like your parents are sticking together on the situation. Is there anyone who could offer to be a middle person like a family member prepared to help?
You'd have to be clear about what you want from the situation & to some degree accept their relationship.

Same thing happened to me. My entire family have sided with the mafia boss.

For a long time I thought my father was the innocent party, but actually, he was her enabler all along.

We have 3 children. Absolutely no family help. And I don't have any friends either. My only rock was DH, which is why it's hard on you with your DH being away.

If you go for counselling, you must make sure it's someone who has dealt with abuse, narcissistic behaviour etc, as the wrong counsellor can make it worse.

You are much better off without them, and you are MUCH stronger than you realise.

This is a grieving process, as you are coming to terms with the loss of your parents, even though they are alive. Coming to terms with not being loved is very very hard.

But you will get there

Is there no support from the army - we have already been given all kinds of support information for service parents and our dd hasn't even finished university yet

Yes, there is lots of support. We have a welfare department but one of the so called "welfare officers" has been in my company a few times as we have a lot of mutual friends and at one point he was DH's boss. Each time he's been in my company I've heard him telling everyone about all the welfare cases. This will be completely against the rules in his job but that's the reality. It has put me off going to welfare. The last person I'd want to know about my personal struggles is him.

I realise i keep giving you all reasons why I can't seek help. But that is why I've posted on here. I literally have no where else to turn to. This is my only means of help/support right now.

In that case OP, I'd seek help here, as you are. Talking about it will help. There are plenty of relationship boards here, one in particular is the stately homes threads (if you feel that's what the issue was).

There's plenty of reading knowledge on the internet. I managed just fine without counselling, and just researching what had happened, other people it had happened to, how to get through it etc.

Good luck x

Chocolate I'm sorry about what you feel has gone on in your family but your post does not belong on this thread. It's the worst kind of thing you can say. Some parents are bad parents. You may even be yourself. Do you think bad parents think they are bad parents?

Been where you are with a parent. After the grief I was much stronger so there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you. Now is the time for you to get to know yourself - who are you? What do you like? Meanwhile, given that counselling is difficult, there are online versions, and when you feel really desperate, call the Samaritans - they are not only for people on the edge and they will listen to you whenever you need them to. They have been a constant throughout my life. Just know that you will get through this.

Chocolate50 I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I'm unsure if your trying to ask if the situation with me could be similar to that in your family so I'll try to give some details of the abuse to hopefully clear this up.

There is a lifetime worth of stuff but some things that will get the point across quickly:

She never spoke to me about periods, bought me a single sanitary towel or tampon in my life. My parents were well off. I had extremely heavy periods and had to rely on toilet paper which never worked. I soaked through my underwear and school clothes every day when I had my periods.

I had head lice and she never bought me treatment lotion.

She never washed my clothes or made me dinner (I was vegetarian) from the age of 13.

She used to call me fat. Or say "I was never that fat at your age"

The day my grandmother died. She told me, didn't even hug me, drove me home and screamed at me to tidy my room before we could drive through to my grandmothers house. She always screamed at my to tidy my room but to be so cruel straight after telling me my grandmother died was awful.

There are a million more things but there's no point in going down that route. I don't even feel sad that I don't talk to her anymore.

It's just the situation with my dad that is breaking my heart and like I said, I've reached out to him and been rejected numerous times in the last few months.