When you know a relationship will never progress, how do you deal?

[Itiswhatitisso]

So I have a relationship with someone - its not conventional but brings a lot of joy and fun into our lives.

But we are never going to be following the traditional romantic arc. We will never get married, do that sort of thing.

What we have now is all it can ever be.

How do you stop yourself from being sad about that and just enjoy each day you have together?

Hi op....

Are you or this other person involved with someone else? Do you want more?

You need to decide whether you actually want something more; whether you want something more with this person; and, either way, whether what you have with this person is preventing you from finding the something more with somebody else.

If you’re answering “yes”, “yes” and “yes” - and particularly if the third “yes” then you need to be forthright with them and have the courage to end things and move on.

If there are some “no”s or some ambivalence, then you just need to keep an awareness of your feelings and be literate with them. I have a great long-term FWB: he’s always been upfront about not wanting anything further. There was a point over a year ago at which I felt a little the same as you - sadness that I couldn’t weigh up to his ex partner (the reason he isn’t looking for anything more: he is still slightly clinging to the hope they’ll get back together); rejection that he doesn’t want me for a partner. I talked things over with a very good friend, and did a good bit of my own thinking and concluded that, actually, as much as I’ve felt the above, I’m also reasonably sure I don’t actually want a committed or monogamous relationship with him and the feelings were probably more because the situation is different to what I’ve always previously expected from relationships. A year or so later now and I do just enjoy what we have for what it is. I also don’t “tease” myself with any notion that things might change, because I’m certain they won’t. It’s a good thing. He’s a good guy. At the moment, that’s all I want.

If you're falling for him and he's unable or unwilling to commit, you deal with it by cutting contact OP. It's the only way.

If you were genuinely happy with this arrangement you wouldn't be on here, seeking opinions. Something has obviously happened to make you question it.

Why would you be sad about it? If the relationship gives you both what you need and doesn't do harm to anyone else what's the problem?

Could be dependent on where you are in life op.

If you are young with a future of possibilities ahead of you to experience then I would say push forward for what you want, if that's a committed relationship, a family and a future with someone.

On my side I'm 48 and a single mother my partner of 4 years moved in a year ago, but we just couldn't make it work, parenting styles too different, values and expectations not aligning. So he moved to his own space, and I have mine. He's 5 mins down the road, there when I need him in most respects but with space to be who we are.

It's feels a little strange, a bit like failure, and a little unconventional but I've done the whole marriage, family stuff before and I think it's the best move. I will miss somethings but on the whole this is how we will do our lives and compromise not to start hating each other and to stay fresh, undemanding and in love.

But it doesn't sound like you are completely convinced?

You might not be the type of person who is cut out for that kind of relationship. A sign you might not be is that it is already making you sad rather than feelings of joy and happiness.

I know that I'm not and discovered that recently. The pain it caused didn't outweigh the good side in the end.

If you decide it isn't, the only way to get past it is complete no contact, i.e. Block, delete and ignore.

I was once in a relationship that I was very happy with. But I went through a stage of being sad that he wasn't obviously wanting to make it official etc. and that I felt a bit ambivalent as well. I started having doubts about whether I could carry on without knowing that it was going to "progress", to use the phrase people prefer recently.

I journaled about it for a few weeks. In the end, I realised that what I was hankering after wasn't "progressing". It was certainty. And in reality there's simply no way to be certain of anything.

People and their feelings change over time. We can't be sure of anything. EVERY relationship ends - the best case scenario is that one of us dies first! But the relationship will still end.

So I decided to compassionately refuse the feelings of "wanting to progress" and instead work on living in the moments that I had. We carried on for many more months with everything very nebulous, respecting each other's space and being kind to each other.

In the end we fell in love completely, our lives are integrated, we are fully interdependent and now say things to each other that we would both have massively cringed at a couple of years ago.

"Progressing" is often code for "hit the relationship milestones that make me feel validated, at a pace that is generally socially acceptable". I think as human beings, we miss out on developing true intimacy when we are too focused on that sort of thing. JMO

Thanks all. I think this is unlike anything I've had before so without the normal milestones I'm feeling insecure.

I can't imagine not him being in my life tho - so i need to rationalise that - something that isn't maybe what I'm used to, or nothing at all.

Normally I'm on a high after we've talked - tonight I just feel a little empty.

And...I should have been a little clearer I suppose.

It's an affair.

So it will never go beyond what it is.

I hope all the joy and fun you two experience is worth the devastation you're causing to someone else. Assholes.

Aaah hugs to you OP. You'll face plenty of judgement on here, but every situation is different. Affair often do start as something light and fun, but it can quickly become more complex as feelings deepen.
If you want more from him and it just isn't going to happen, I'd really try to end things for your own sanity. Or if you just don't feel you can, try to emotionally disconnect (I can do this by concentrating on their negatives, which everyone has a surfeit of!)
Take care of yourself OP x

You'll face plenty of judgement on here, but every situation is different.

Yeah the guys wife probably doesn't understand him like the OP does........

Thanks DeeStopia

Yes at the the beginning there was a mad rush of finding yourself with someone, doing something you could never have imagined you would ever do. A madness about it.

Now, it's become part of the everyday part of living and you know this is it - there is what there is now, no more (neither of us will leave our partners).

That's not a healthy situation for you to be in OP, especially as it sounds like it's with a person with no intention to leave a partner.

And the risk of ruining someone else's innocent life is just an awful thing to contemplate alongside having fun on the moment. It would certainly stop me from fully enjoying time together.

Hugz hun. Make sure u hide ur tracks so ur hubby don't find out. x

Yes, there is an element of making sure that the risk is worth it. Making sure that what we gain from it is worth the threat to the rest of our lives.

I make no claims to understand him more than his wife. I think perhaps he knows more about what I need than my DH but that's probably my fault because I can talk to him easier

I hope this is a trolling thread ffs

Op - out of interest do you feel any empathy for yours and the other guys partners?

Like how devastated they would be if/when they found out and the sheer pain that they are going to feel for months and the rest of their lives about it?

Oh dear. I knew it was an affair. As soon as I read. It can't be anything else.

Empathy - yes of course. For my partner, of course.

I love him, love my family, and won't leave them and not for this other man.

But for now I am being utterly selfish and having what I need to survive. Without the affair i would be going slowly mad.

Does the other person involved have a wife or partner?

Why would you be slowly going mad without the affair?

"But for now I am being utterly selfish and having what I need to survive. Without the affair i would be going slowly mad"

The bullshit people come up with to justify affairs never ceases to amaze me.

Yes, we are both married.

Because I'm not getting what I need from my marriage and one day i need to address that. I never even guessed I'd ever have an affair. Never occurred to me and then I met someone and realised what my life had been missing.

It's not fair on anyone, and despite all the films and tv that makes it look fun and carefree, it's hard.

Hard realising you aren't the person you thought you were, hard lying, hard feeling so much for someone. Making life so complicated and playing with fire.

I think that if something is missing from your marriage then you needed to deal with that before having an affair - speak to your partner about the problem & then separate if necessary; once you are separated you can date (single) men & get what you need so to speak.

Some married men can be very tempting & spin all kinds of lines - as a single woman working in a hospital with doctors whose wives often live abroad I've been tempted myself (but not given in) & have been asked out a lot by them. I would never trust a doctor btw!

Think about how you would feel if your husband had an affair- if it wouldn't bother you then perhaps you're just not as in love with your husband as you should be.

It's hard work to break up a failing marriage especially when you have kids & a good lifestyle but if your husband finds out about the affair it will break up anyway.