Open relationship

[Purpleprints]

Name changed as I know a few people on here.
Married 10+ years, DH and I haven’t had sex in about 3 years. His choice; I initiate and he’s not interested. We’ve talked about it a few times and in the beginning (ie when it first started to dwindle), he would make a renewed effort but it became sporadic duty sex and there is nothing worse than having sex with someone who doesn’t want it so I stopped asking.

We had a chat about a year ago and at the end, I suggested opening the relationship and he looked surprised but didn’t assent nor decline. A couple of weeks ago, I re-visited the subject of our sexless marriage and mentioned an open relationship again. To my surprise, DH agreed to me having sex with other men because, amongst other things, he admitted he is just not a sexual person and feels like he had neglected me when it comes to my needs. His demeanour has changed for the positive since this, he appears more relaxed if we hug or touch, it’s like the pressure is off.

I actually don’t know where to start with this new freedom. I have made it clear to DH that my priority is our family and as I see love and sex as two completely separate entities, I’m not going to fall in love with anyone because they are a great shag. Is anyone in an open relationship (one sided or both) who can shed some light on how it works for them?

Jeez Elon, some people just don’t feel it the way you do; it’s not about being “cool”, it’s about not loving/being in love with someone you have sex with. If you cannot accept that some people don’t require some element of love to shag someone then you are pretty narrow minded. Almost everyone you are arguing with has said they accept your beliefs of sex and love, why don’t you accept theirs?

Santababy you’re right about the ratio of info:arguing! I self love loads but even that gets a bit old. I don’t need a man, I want one, I cannot snog myself (amongst other things).

If you cannot accept that some people don’t require some element of love to shag someone then you are pretty narrow minded.

Of course i know that. The most black and white example is men who use prostitutes. Most people think that's pretty cold and distasteful for various reasons. Most sexual relationships are not like that and involve some investment in the others pleasure so that it is mutually rewarding. There are emotions involved I just don't understand why some people are determined to say love implies some kind of codependency over and above getting excited about someone and wanting to make them happy. It's just a degree of the same thing.

The chances are if you have sex with someone you fancy you will get excited about seeing them and you might miss them etc. To me this is just a different degree of love.

Elon, I had a FB for years. We would meet up for tea and sex. He was probably one of the best rides I ever had. I fancied him because he was fit and our sessions were brilliant. Did I love him? No. I know what love is and that wasn’t it, it was lust. There you go: an emotion for you.

So you didn't care whether he enjoyed himself ? Because if you did we are up to 2, did you look forward to seeing him, get... excited about it ? Would you have been even a smidgen disappointed if he blew you off right before one of your hot "sessions" ?

I know what love is

Care to enlighten us ?

I had a boyfriend like that too, absolutely loved getting the shit ridden out of me by him.

By extension, I had to admit I was a.bit in love with him too

Wikipedia is not the greatest source of info....

If I really like doing something (having sex with a guy) and I look forward to it and get excited about it, and I would miss it, then I would say that I love him to some degree

Umm I think this is the problem. You're using a meaning of the word 'love' that isn't shared by 99.9% of the population

I’m surprised you need an description of love when you are the master of it Elon! You made it quite evident that your version encompasses every feeling from fancying/butterflies right through to angels singing. I couldn’t possibly compete.

Of course I was bothered whether he enjoyed himself. I was fucking him for years and he was good at it so I wanted to do it again. If I got totally selfish, I could lose out on good sex. I like sex with another, I can pleasure myself but some of the things I like I cannot do to myself. Did I look forward to seeing him? Yes, seeing him naked.

Care to enlighten us?

Not whatever you seem to think it is

OP I was in a sexless relationship, he didn't want it. I really missed it and tried to forget about sex but it didn't work. I'm single now and so glad to be having regular sex again. I would definitely try an open relationship.

Can I just add @Elon
Sex does not stop when you are no longer able to have children.

You're using a meaning of the word 'love' that isn't shared by 99.9% of the population

I disagree. You can love many aspects of a person, I don't tote them up and say, well I love the way he looks and feels, the way he makes me laugh and the little excited feeling I get in my tummy when I think about how much fun I'll have with him next I see him. But he only gets 4 points and I won't call that "love".

I'm still waiting for the an explanation of what extra feelings need to exist before it becomes enough to say yep, I love this person to some extent ?

Thanks for your vote of confidence Snowballs.

Elon: no one cares exactly how you define love for a person you have had sex with a couple of times except maybe that person you have had sex with a couple of times. People often like those they have sex with on a non-exclusive, not-intending-to-procreate basis (having sex more than once with someone you actively dislike or who appears to actively dislike you is... fairly unhealthy and unnecessary when there are nice people to fuck.) But, in many cases, the liking is all that's needed: one or both partners has no interest in love in the sense of romantic monogamy, because there are either other things or other people that are more important.
One of the reasons the co-parent relationship between me and my son's dad works so well is that neither of us is interested in romantic monogamy. We don't have sex with each other these days, though we both occasionally have sex with other people, but neither of us has any interest in forming a couple-relationship with anyone. We are both focussed on our seperate work projects and neither of us has ever been particularly bothered about couple-relationships.

The more variety in the way people conduct their sex lives, the better. We need to get well away from this belief in the superiority of monogamy - it's just another kink, after all. When it comes to childrearing, a small group is really more effective than a couple with one doing waged work and the other being the domestic support system ie the house servant.

I love the fact you use this board as an example of the norm of monogamy @elonmask- has it not occurred to you that every other post is about affairs/crushes/separation. Almost like using Wikipedia to reference your scientific ‘theories’ ;)

ayeplesandbaynaynays

Wikipedia is generally pretty reliable. An article about a people whom you did not mention calls out the misconception repeated here with referenced research. Your argument is simply to say "well it must be false as it is on Wikipedia". This bears no further consideration by me, as it clear you cannot say why the article and the referenced work is wrong. Because you know nothing about it and probably never heard of it until another poster brought it up.

People having affairs or suffering emotional pain because of them does not undermine my point at all. Clearly posters who's partner cheats did not expect it and they suffer emotional distress as a result, a manifestation of the evolutionary mate guarding instinct which triggers a kind of fight or flight response characterised by heightened anxiety etc.

People who have affairs usually attempt to defend them on account of an overwhelming draw to the person they cheat with, evidence of strong feelings, they are usually torn about this because they have bonded with the person they have cheated on as well, confusing them.

Again, if there were no such thing as reliable contraception would they be having PIV sex with other people let alone their partner ? No.

It happens because people think that you can shag without consequence and there should be no emotions involved and this board demonstrates that is not the case and you should be respect and selective about whom and when you shag.

I’m in exactly the same position as you OP.
After years of rejection I was given the ‘green light’ to find someone else as long as I was discreet.

So, I found someone and have been seeing him for the past four years, meeting up every couple of weeks for an afternoon or evening.

I am very fond of him and look forward to our meetings but it’s not love. I love my husband and feel much happier and closer to him now as I’m not burning up with resentment.
I too see love and sex as completely separate entities. It works for me and has massively enhanced my life.

That’s great Rez, I’m glad that it’s working out for you. I see a positive difference already in my relationship with my husband since the talk.

Ok @elonmask I take it back. You do sound a little bit religious . Do you also insist the earth is flat? I’m sure you could google some links to ‘prove’ it