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Original poster

Open relationship

170 replies

Purpleprints · 26/11/2018 21:18

Name changed as I know a few people on here.
Married 10+ years, DH and I haven’t had sex in about 3 years. His choice; I initiate and he’s not interested. We’ve talked about it a few times and in the beginning (ie when it first started to dwindle), he would make a renewed effort but it became sporadic duty sex and there is nothing worse than having sex with someone who doesn’t want it so I stopped asking.

We had a chat about a year ago and at the end, I suggested opening the relationship and he looked surprised but didn’t assent nor decline. A couple of weeks ago, I re-visited the subject of our sexless marriage and mentioned an open relationship again. To my surprise, DH agreed to me having sex with other men because, amongst other things, he admitted he is just not a sexual person and feels like he had neglected me when it comes to my needs. His demeanour has changed for the positive since this, he appears more relaxed if we hug or touch, it’s like the pressure is off.

I actually don’t know where to start with this new freedom. I have made it clear to DH that my priority is our family and as I see love and sex as two completely separate entities, I’m not going to fall in love with anyone because they are a great shag. Is anyone in an open relationship (one sided or both) who can shed some light on how it works for them?

OP posts:
ElonMask · 04/12/2018 13:25

If you believe that love is a real thing, and you accept that most adults have the closest bond of their lives with someone who was a sexual partner...is this a coincidence to you ? The result of social conditioning etc ?

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2018 13:31

Oh for fuck's sake. There is proper, genuine evidence to the fact that some cultures favoured (admittedly an abusive, sexist version of it) polygamy - the most powerful men had multiple wives. There is proper, genuine evidence to the fact that the Egyptian royal families in the days of the Pharoahs were very inbred because they liked to marry women off to their siblings and had a belief system which justified it.

You also keep ducking any discussion of the fact that some people are gay, some people don't want to have children yet do want to have lots of sex, and some people have no interest in sex or procreation at all. You're just banging on about the inevitability of heterosexual monogamy despite all the evidence that it's simply one option among many, and one which fails completely for many, many people. Why on earth does it upset you so much to think of other people doing what works for them?

ayeplesandbaynaynays · 04/12/2018 13:33

Lots of different types of love. For me personally the strongest love I feel is for my children. So no not sexual at all

ayeplesandbaynaynays · 04/12/2018 13:34

Passionate love (all mixed in with lust) is great, but not sustainable in a long term relationship

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2018 13:37

I don't accept that 'most adults have the closest bond of their lives with a sexual partner' because, again, there's plenty of evidence against this. Some people retain the closest emotional bonds with parents or siblings, some consider friends more important than the people they are having sex with at any given time, some give their loyalty and time to a team or a gang or other group... look at all the threads on here from people whose partners are far more invested in their friendship/hobby group than in their couple-relationship.

ayeplesandbaynaynays · 04/12/2018 13:48

Elonmask just admitted this is all based on her opinion. He/she obviously feels strongly about monogamy. And maybe trying to justify to themselves and others why that is.

ElonMask · 04/12/2018 13:49

Again apples, you are fudging it. Do you not notice how most people, be they homsexual or heterosexual will love someone with whom they have a sexual relationship ? If you genuinely do not see that, or don't think it then fine, I strongly disagree with you however.

Children grow up and have their own lives, most people actually spend a shortish time of their whole lives active parenting.

The assertion that because the agent Egyptian royal family were polygamous or that because harems exist is absolute proof that most humans did not value monogamous loving relationships is incredibly weak to say the least. FFS indeed. You must be aware that there is a lot of evidence arguing that a monogamous mating system was evolutionary successful for humans. If not Google it.

ayeplesandbaynaynays · 04/12/2018 14:02

And do you not notice that the majority of these loving relationships include either affairs or divorce?

ElonMask · 04/12/2018 14:05

Ooof well if that's what you think.

SantaBabycharly · 04/12/2018 14:11

...back later , no time atm

SantaBabycharly · 04/12/2018 14:56

Ok OP , I have not read whole thread.

It is good that you have discussed this with your husband.

Have you explored self love ? Do you really need to have a man ?

You say you can be detached .
Perhaps you can , BUT , if you can't that could lead to a lot of turmoil.

SantaBabycharly · 04/12/2018 14:57

Sorry , I could not shed any light on an open relationship.

SantaBabycharly · 04/12/2018 15:02

Gosh , 2 pages of some info , 4 of an argument !
Good luck Op .

NotANotMan · 04/12/2018 15:03

most adult humans relationships (which are monogamous)

Perhaps, they are largely monogamous, for a period. What we do know is that cultures with low divorce rates also have very poor rights for women either to obtain divorce or to live independently post divorce. To assume those relationships are 'monogamous' by choice or even loving is a stretch.
We also know that in cultures where women have decent rights and the capacity to live independently long term monogamy is rare. Most marriages end in divorce, most unmarried relationships end. Many long term marriages are not entirely monogamous - one or both partners will be unfaithful at some point.

The evidence that monogamy is the norm/majority relationship type is simply non existent, let alone any evidence that is has an evolutionary basis.

ElonMask · 04/12/2018 15:19

I don't think there's is definitive evidence either way. Individually I prefer to be in a monoagmous relationship, even if that relationship might not last for the rest of my life. When I talk about monogamy I mean that the relationship is sexually exclusive not that it necessarily lasts forever.

Most people in my experience will fall on love and want a monogamous relationship at some point in their life.

ElonMask · 04/12/2018 15:22

What evidence is there that most "relationships" are not monogamous !? Clearly judging from this board alone (and my own experience) monogamy is very much expected, and thus the norm.

OnlineAlienator · 04/12/2018 15:41

In developed western countries yes monogamy is encouraged, alternatives are illegal! But the evidence doesnt suggest that this has been the norm for the majority of human history. Branch out of british history, peruse some anthropology and you find all sorts of combos. The contraceptive argument only flies if the paternity of the offspring is a concern (which it is in a patriarchy). In a matriarchy/matrilineal society (like the muoshuo) where what matters is who your mum is (like our close relatives bonobos) the mums, grandmas and aunties raise any children that comes out if the daughter's vagina. The fact we have the menopause points to matriarchy being an important aspect of human social arrangement - why bother keeping non breeding females alive in the population? They are needed to raise the young. Especially if the hunter gatherer model is correct - fit young adults, esp men (but not always) are needed for hunting and feeding everybody, not doing the bulk of childcare in pairs.

This isnt to say its how we should do things. Personally i think if monogamy fits you, do it. If it doesnt, dont.

ElonMask · 04/12/2018 16:17

According to the Wikipedia article the mosuo[sic] practice serial monogamy and it is a source of embarrassment if a mother cannot identify a childs father.

NotANotMan · 04/12/2018 17:01

I didn't say that most relationships were not monogamous; I said that long term monogamy was rare. Most relationships end before one partner dies; in many relationships one or both partners will be unfaithful. The expectation might be long term monogamy but the fact that this is so difficult to achieve demonstrates that long term monogamy isn't 'natural' (or any more natural than polyamory)

Dirtybadger · 04/12/2018 17:17

I don't particularly like to continue bickering but Elon you have built a strawman and it is frustrating.

No one is saying we don't love people who we have sexual relationships with. Just that we don't necessarily. We don't have to have sex to love someone, and we don't have to love someone we have sex with. If you have to be in love to have sex or fall in love as an effect of sexual relationships that's fine and I'm sure the same as lots of people but that isnt how everyone works and it's frankly quite insulting that you believe you know better of other people than they know themselves. It's also a convenient position to take it you believe they are "really" in love but don't know it. Because how can that be disproved? It can't. You get to decide.

Why can you not accept someone else's experience for what they say it is? Why do you know their feelings better than themselves? Confused

ElonMask · 04/12/2018 17:18

I didn't say that most relationships were not monogamous

Yeah you did. You said :

"The evidence that monogamy is the norm/majority relationship type is simply non existent"

ElonMask · 04/12/2018 17:30

dirtybadger

Fair enough. I think that people love things and people in different ways..so they don't like using the word love. If I really like doing something (having sex with a guy) and I look forward to it and get excited about it, and I would miss it, then I would say that I love him to some degree. I might not love him as much as my dad, but I still love him. It's become cool to reject the word love unless you are planning on moving in together or some other arbitrary signifier of love over and above regular great sex.

So that's what I mean when I say people use the word in a different way. I love my old next door neighbour, doesn't mean I want to live with them.

Anyways...

ElonMask · 04/12/2018 17:33

I guess its like they have replaced old fashioned hang ups about sex with a dead of admitting they love someone. It has to be planning on marriage or its not love.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2018 17:42

Now you're shifting the goalposts again rather than admit you're pushing a line of utter nonsense. Going by your previously-posted nonsense, how can you 'love' your next door neighbour if you haven't had sex with that person? And if you love that neighbour, what about your other neighbours (given that you insist love has to be monogamous...)

ElonMask · 04/12/2018 17:50

There is no way I think any fair reader of my comments would conclude that I was saying the only kind of love that exists involves sex. Did you think I was arguing that I didn't love my children or my mum because I didn't have sex with them ? Of course not.