Open relationship

[Purpleprints]

Name changed as I know a few people on here.
Married 10+ years, DH and I haven’t had sex in about 3 years. His choice; I initiate and he’s not interested. We’ve talked about it a few times and in the beginning (ie when it first started to dwindle), he would make a renewed effort but it became sporadic duty sex and there is nothing worse than having sex with someone who doesn’t want it so I stopped asking.

We had a chat about a year ago and at the end, I suggested opening the relationship and he looked surprised but didn’t assent nor decline. A couple of weeks ago, I re-visited the subject of our sexless marriage and mentioned an open relationship again. To my surprise, DH agreed to me having sex with other men because, amongst other things, he admitted he is just not a sexual person and feels like he had neglected me when it comes to my needs. His demeanour has changed for the positive since this, he appears more relaxed if we hug or touch, it’s like the pressure is off.

I actually don’t know where to start with this new freedom. I have made it clear to DH that my priority is our family and as I see love and sex as two completely separate entities, I’m not going to fall in love with anyone because they are a great shag. Is anyone in an open relationship (one sided or both) who can shed some light on how it works for them?

OP the groups are mostly closed. You can search for them, see who runs them, and ask to join. Only members of the group can post in them or see what any other member has posted.

Search Polyamory in Facebook and you'll see all sorts. The groups I'm in are all lovely, inclusive and (as you'd expect) openminded

I'm in a couple of fb groups and have posted in them etc, and nothing has ever come up on my timeline that I wouldn't want others to see.

I'm not fully 'out' yet - my aged parents just wouldn't get it and would worry about me. A lot of my friends and family do know though.

I had my poly-epiphany () about 2 years ago, following a lot of pretty terrible dating after a long-term relationship ended. Got together with now DP about 18 months ago. Have also had a few nice flings and have a steady FWB. So far it's working well.

Purpleprints stay safe.

I'm also in a few open/fwb etc type relationships. I have one who I consider to be my main partner - but I am not his. I would like to see and be with him more than he is able to, so it is unfulfilling for me, for the most part. he has a cuckold fetish and therefore likes me to see other men as often as possible.
I also have a lovely FWB who I see monthly - he is fun to be with, but I don't want to see him full time. he fulfills some of my more extreme sexual needs.
I also had a brief relationship with a man in an open marriage. he was lovely, but once again, his commitment to his marriage meant time together was tricky to arrange and it fizzled out.
I now have a new man on the horizon, who I may consider giving up everything for. He's aware of the open aspect of my relationships and is fine with it. But since meeting him, I have been turned somewhat.

One thing that makes all of this work is communication and you need to prioritise that over all else. you must talk to your husband constantly about how he is feeling about what you are doing. Give him only the details he wants and respect that he is doing something very special for you. Never take advantage of that. You love him - therefore you need to put him first. In this way, you could find that there is renewed love in your marriage.

I have been in open relationships for 2 years and have only now found someone to rival the original partner. And that is because I am ready for it. If you choose not to be emotionally involved, it is very easy not to be.

OP I can also completely separate sex from love & have always been able to do that.

When I'm committed in a relationship, I am monogamous.

DP is quite a lot older than me (& now in his 60s), & he suggested that if & when he becomes unable to keep up with me in the bedroom, then he'd be accommodating & accepting if I looked elsewhere.

Not on the cards at the moment though!

I have always been polyamorous but didnt know it, iyswim. When younger i 'played the field' in that i usually had a couple of men on the go who i refused to agree to be the girlfriend of but it was more than one night stands or 'just sex'. Then i settled down for 4yrs with a boyfriend. That sadly ended and i very quickly met my husband and was happy monogamous for a good few years. Long story short, it, 'the poky instinct'or whatever it us, started to niggle at me and over the course of a lot of careful conversations it emerged that my husband felt the same way too and we agreed to open up.

Now, i dont claim it will happen for everyone, but i was shocked at how happy this made us. We werent unhappy before, but this gave us a whole new level of honesty, trust and intimacy. We genuinely felt excited for each other when we had dates. I thought i might struggle with terrible guilt when i first had sex with another man - what if i preferred him to dh? What if dh went like that guy in Indecent Proposal? In the event it was just a penis and the sky didnt fall in lol. Husband never did manage to convince a woman to be with him, he had a particular one he liked, but i think its tougher for married men than women to hookup for a few obvious reasons! I was rooting for him though.

We split for financial reasons and remain friends! Now, i have done a bit of dating but struggle with the idea of one, fulltime man and do not want a man living in my home. Im finding poly men much more accessible for something part time and can tolerate the fairly close presence of exDH (because of DD) without any jealousy or awkwardness.

Poky instinct! Lol! poly instinct!

Namechanged for this and have reworded it about 8 times because it’s difficult to describe.

I’ve been in a kind-of open relationship for the past 7 years. It works very well for us. It’s one-sided as my husband isn’t too fussed about sex but he’s supportive if I have the desire to see other people, something that has only happened twice in the 7 years, and neither were long term.

For us, the key is communication. We have boundaries and discuss things in advance so we’re clear. So, for example, bringing someone back to our house while my husband is away or going away for a weekend with them is out of the question.

In my case, both the other partner have been a FWB kind of arrangement, and we were friends before anything happened. I’m happy with this as it is. My husband has said he’d be happy for me to have a full secondary relationship, and would even be open to living in a poly household, but that’s not something I’m interested in.

By the way, I read The Ethical Slut and I wasn’t too impressed. Mainly because not much of it applied to my “monogamish” relationship (although I did learn that word in the book and feel it’s the perfect descriptor for us)

TBH the Ethical Slut has its place but not everyone likes it (even I got a little bit irritated with the US-orientated therapy-speak). I am slightly inclined to prefer Tristan Taormino's book Opening Up, which is better on things like 'monogamish' people, different relationship styles and even acknowledges what she calls 'solo poly' ie people who are not currently dating or having sex with anyone but remain fully aware that they will not enter into a monogamous relationship in the future.

I’ll look into that Reanimated Thanks for the recommendation

Another when you say that your FWB were actual friends before they became FWB, were they people both you and your DH knew or a just friends of yours? I cannot imagine having sex with someone DH knows, think it may be a little too close to home.

After researching “monogamish”, I’m wondering if that is the word to describe me too. I’m not looking for a secondary relationship, just sex so I’m definitely not polyamorous.

I would be careful OP. I know a friend did this by having an affair which is not quite the same but she ended up falling in love.

The thing is that biologically, sex leads to pregnancy or at least high risk thereof. It's only recently been the case that you can have sex and be pretty sure you won't end up pregnant. Always bear in mind that were it not for contraceptive technology you wouldn't even be having this discussion.

The vast majority of humans who ever existed would not be out shagging multiple partners because of the biological reality of it.

We didn't evolve to be having PIV sex with different men every week, it's technology that's enabled this.

I think thats why we've evolved to "love" and why love and sex go together usually. It's not socially constructed, it's so a pair bond would form to look after the uniquely vulnerable human infant that likely results from sexual intercourse.

Anyway, you may well disagree with that and that's fair enough, but you're playing with fire. Your husband has to be prepared to lose you.

Out of interest though if you don’t want sex with your partner or vice versa , why not just go off and be single? Or is it that you don’t just want one partner so may as well stay partnered up but have other partners too

Purple My husband doesn’t know either of them as they’re friends from areas of my life that exclude him- one from my teenage clubbing days and one from work.

He has met them both briefly though. The first one he met once on a night out a very long time ago, just after we became an item. The other he has met twice in passing- just long enough to say hi and walk on, that kind of thing. I don’t think he’d recognise either of them if he saw them in public so he really doesn’t know them at all.

People who say 'feelings might develop from sex' aren't wrong but they are different to the people who can have fulfilling sexual relationships without romance.

I've never had a poly relationship but I'm currently non monogamously dating with no intentions of having serious relationships with anyone. I'm a pretty avoidant person in my attachment style and this type of relationship works very well for me. I'd be very interested in exploring polyamory but I'm not interested in being someone's casual partner if they already have a significant relationship so haven't pursued any of the non monogamous guys I see on dating apps as they all seem to have primary relationships already.

For me, 'love' isn't a thing that will just 'happen'. I need to make effort to attach to someone in that way and I need them to make effort too. I had a somewhat jealous moment with one of my guys and my response was to work on detaching myself from that feeling and to an extent from him (emotionally). I still feel affectionate and caring towards him but I am very good at squashing romantic feelings if they pop up.

That's not for everybody of course but for people who form relationships like I do it's quite easy.

ElonMask could do with reading a book called 'sex at dawn'. It puts forth the evidence that actually, we really DID evolve to have PIV with lots of men. It's not appropriate in modern society to throw caution to the wind like that, sure, but thats modern societal conditioning, not biology.

I'll check that out Bimwit thanks, it sounds interesting.

My point about it was really that biologically adult females would not be having sex with a man without being prepared to possibly have his child, that's the way it works.

The pill and reliable condoms have totally changed that, but I still think we have that pair bond instinct that has evolved as "love".

The pair bond instinct is all very well but it definitely doesn't mean long term monogamy is 'natural' or desirable

Yes anyone having heterosexual sex must be prepared for pregnancy really, it could really throw the cat among the pigeons!

But they arent prepared for it because modern contraception is so reliable. And supposing they did get pregnant they can access MAP and lastly safe abortion(in civilised countries at least).

Point is the biological reality of what sexual intercourse means and the responsibilities of that, no longer apply, but a lot of the emotions we have around sex are evolved based on the reality of it. Love might well be one of them, but heartbreak etc etc are too probably. They are certainly "real".

I actually think we go through three stages of relationships based on what we need at the time. The first stage is when we are looking for the "one". That involves lots of serial monogamy, dating and one night stands. Then we meet the one person we decide to settle with and have children. Then later in life (once child rearing is done) we move into a more fluid approach to relationships and often try different things - with our own Independence fully established (even if we are still married).

I'm in that third stage. I have no desire for children, I have a good job, I have money, I have a settled life - I just want fun and friendship.

Yes 👏🏼

These stages are again only possible due to modern contraception. Every generation of women prior to the 1950's went through no such stages and for good reason as outlined above.

There seems to be a great desire for some to seperate completely sex and love and I don't really think it is natural or understand why. Its like people want to remove the potential for all the perceived bad bits of intimate personal relationships (heartbreak, jealousy etc) and keep all the best bits. The good and bad feelings evolved at the same time and for the same reasons. You can't have all the good with no potential for any of the bad.

Everyone living on their own and occasionally shagging one of a few friends is unsustainable and sounds unfulfilling anyway.

It may sound unfulfilling to you Elonmask but that is probably because you associate sex with love, there must be some element of emotion involved. Where you mention “the great desire to separate sex and love...” are you speaking of women only? Men have been openingly compartmentalising sex and love forever which society almost expects. Women admit that they also do it and it is deemed unnatural.

It's not a 'desire' to separate sex from love. They just ARE separate, in most cases, for me.

Likewise Notanotman